Serial Drama

Notes On Seventh Grade Scandals

No, wait, I take that back; describing the witless scheming we saw on today's episode of General Hospital as "seventh grade" is really selling a generation of middle school mischief makers short. They'd take one look at Lisa's half-baked plan to break Robin and Patrick up some more and Brook Lynn and Elizabeth's battle to out desperate the other, scoff and then bombard the GH writers with cruel texts designed to make them cry and/or quit their jobs*.

Lisa Niles has gone from being...well, she's gone from being a drip to a stalker to a criminal mastermind to a lovesick weirdo rehashing plans that failed the first place, and now she is choreographing awkward run-ins while blatantly lurking in the shadows. Seriously: she charms Terrell into going to the MetroCourt, bribes a hapless employee for his room number, had said hapless employee give Robin (who was looking for Patrick in order to go over a patient's chart with him, which...was that part of Lisa's plot as well, or just a happy coincidence?) Terrell's room number and then had said hapless employee send Patrick to that very room so that he might stumble upon the sight we saw at the end of the episode--Terrell opening the door in just a towel and then sharing uncomfortable laughter with Robin. Wow, good for you, Lisa, you've seen Three's Company.  

Then. Then! Brook Lynn and a profoundly disinterested Nikolas (seriously. As I mentioned elsewhere, Tyler Christopher's lack of interest in this show is so blatant that he may as well pull a Stanley Hudson and just start doing crossword puzzles during his scenes) were at Jake's when Elizabeth and Steven walked in. When Steve went to chat up Olivia, Elizabeth took the opportunity to crash the party, leading Brook Lynn to mark her territory. By getting up and singing. WHAT? I know, it was horrendous and I felt profound embarrassment for all involved (not just because of the singing. MOSTLY because of the singing because holy moly, but also because this war of the words is over NIKOLAS. Who lost his last redeeming quality sometime in late 1998! You could both do better! Yes, Brook, even you! Not much better, but a little better).

I don't know how much longer I can sit through these juvenile and simultaneously DULLER THAN VERY DULL, DULL THINGS stories; I am sorely tempted to wish for Brenda and Sonny's wedding to hurry up and get here, but considering this crop of writers, I know I will wind up regretting that in a big big way.

*Note to self: hire a middle school intern.

Get On With It!

Today's One Life to Live was more of a big set of teasers than a real episode that moves plot forward (which is fine), so I just have a few stray thoughts...

After listening to Jessica talk today as if today was her first happy, worry-free wedding, I realized my memory is foggy. Someone give me a history reminder-- Jessica's wedding to Nash was...what? I loved that couple, but I can't remember their wedding and have some bad feeling it was one of those hospital-bed weddings. Someone fill in the gaps! Otherwise, there was Tico and there was Antonio, right? I can see the inherent drama with the wedding to Tico, but remind me what the drama was at her wedding to Antonio?

It's nice that everyone in town has an experience-based point of view about paternity lies.

Blair and Tomas were apparently, like, the H-story today (their first few scenes were about two lines of dialogue). But how sexy did Ted King look in those glasses? 

I want to drink wine with him!

Any chance that while Cutter and Kelly are faux-dating each other (well, they're dating, but one is doing it to serve a con and the other is doing it on the rebound) they might actually fall for each other for real? I'm seeing a little spark there. Maybe it's just that he's so much more interesting than this incarnation of Joey?

Also, Charlie has become utterly unbearable. It's one thing to disagree with your wife on an issue or a person, but it's another to treat her like she's gone off the deep end into human abomination for not agreeing with you. He needs to shut it, and fast.

I admit I'm a little bummed that the shit's going to hit the fan at least in part due to my favorite couple:

It's a little cartoonish, but I did love that Rama was the one physically protecting Vimal. But if they're the ones to blow this out of the water, it seems to me that they're essentially just plot points who can easily be dismissed, so I'm making a concerted effort not to get attached. But it's not easy.

I guess tomorrow's a big day! Maybe the rest of their family and friends will show up to the big wedding then? Yeah, probably not.

Destiny out.

All My Children: I...Have Questions

As you have probably guessed, thanks to my habit of discussing AMC only on Sundays and only in brief, I have an almost pathological inability to write about All My Children in any sort of meaningful way. It isn't for a lack of trying--I always sit down and make a...well, maybe it's not a valiant attempt, but it's more than a half-hearted one! And I can only come up with the same things I always say (such as: "Why not pile even more melodrama on top of Kendall, who is once again having the worst year ever?" "Poor Denise Vasi" and "Ryan Lavery is the most horrific human being, and I don't even KNOW how accurate that is, to ever stomp douchiley across the planet to shout at people"), and if I am going to rail against the writers for their tendency to be repetitive, it would be hypocritical for me to do the same.

So in lieu of my usual comments, I have questions:

• Does this show have a shit sense of pacing or what? Kendall escapes from the hospital, runs through the woods, collapses, is rescued and then in an ambulance accident ALL IN ONE EPISODE? What the hell is that about? It's not that I wanted five full days of Kendall unconscious amidst the trees (although a week of Kendall moaning "Mama!" would be more entertaining than much, if not all, of the show. I'll let you judge whether or not that's a backhanded compliment), but throwing more and more stereotypically soapy plots into Kendall's story all at once makes her seem like the poor, put-upon heroine in a soap opera parody.
• Why was Griffin still driving the ambulance once Kendall was found? Shouldn't the heart doctor, you know, be treating the heart patient?
• And why did the Chief of Staff need to tag along? Also, does anyone else want to kick Jake in the face? I cannot stand him.
• Why does Melissa Claire Egan have to leave? I know I should be a kind person and want the best for her, and the best certainly isn't staying on this show, but...I am going to miss her. Her skill at playing demented is but one reason why (although that doesn't make it any less irksome that the writers are so quick to drive Annie crazy again when they need to spice things up).
• What are your thoughts on Sarah Glendening's Marissa? She has much more presence than Brittany Allen did, but her Marissa comes across as incredibly smug, so she's no more enjoyable than Allen was.
• Why did the show try so hard to make me care about Natalia's exit? "Remember that blatantly uninteresting character we created and then put on the backburner most of the time? She's leaving! So sad, aren't we all going to miss her? Sad face!"
• What does Natalia's exit mean for Brot? Will he see his (already minimal) screentime dwindle even more?
• Is there even a slight chance that something exciting will happen this week? I'll even settle for borderline interesting!

DVR Alert!

You know you've been cooped up inside for too long, thanks to more snowstorms than anyone can even remember, when you start to think, "Oh, I hope there are some good Oprah's this wee!"

And it turns out that there IS a good Oprah this week! This Wednesday, February 9th: Legendary Soap Stars Reunite. Luke and Laura! Jeanne Cooper! Erica Kane and her husbands! Make sure to tune in (and check back here, because I am sure that I will have something to say about it) on Wednesday and cross your fingers for some classic flashbacks, since we know we won't get any on the actual soaps...

A Glare Full Of Loathing Is Worth A Thousand Words

I don't often give Maurice Benard credit for anything (with unintentional, Shatneresque hilarity being the major exception), and to give him and Steve Burton kudos in the same week is just staggering and shocking and a host of other semi-hysterical adjectives beginning with the letter S, but it's true! He was great when Carly told him about Michael's rape and when she started in on one of her usual "Dante is evil! Betrayer! Liar! HATE! HATE! HATE! [Completely unintelligible screeches]" screeds, he proved that he's capable of more facial expressions than the patented "duh".

Carly: If you want to blame anyone, then you point your finger at your first born. Because if it wasn't for Dante, Michael wouldn't have been in prison to begin with.
Sonny:

"Sorry, what? Did you say something? I'm just replaying, in slow motion, my memories of that time I shot you because GOOD GOD WOMAN there is something wrong with you".

Really, I enjoy Carly more than most/all, but her insanity was out in full force today. Her ability to rationalize the most dire situation and assign blame to everyone except herself is legendary, but I think she may have topped herself today, with the one-two punch of blaming Dante for Michael's rape and blaming SONNY for the pain Michael will feel when Sonny has a breakdown when he learns (from Carly, mind you!) the truth about Brenda and Dante's past. No, really.

Carly: Michael doesn't just need Jason and me. He needs his father, so right now would be a really bad time for Brenda to push you into a breakdown.

What?! And also, the fuck?

More thoughts to come later this weekend!

The Proper Use Of Air Quotes

One Life to Live has not always been the place to go for proper use of air quotes, of course. But I don't know what it is about this Rama that has me so filled with glee... after all, we've gotten tons of new characters in the past year and the vast majority of them have been duds and I'm ready to get back to basics, but this chick?

I really just love this woman. Looks like all I needed for the show was a little Bollywood (seriously, that's where the actress is from -- it's not just me making assumptions!). Rama is totally my favorite new character.

Today was also a nice surprise because of Tea. It was almost like today we saw the Tea who wants to exist -- the gal who knows how to have fun and is a real woman's woman. Florencia Lozano is always awesome, but today she just lit up the screen. You know, when she wasn't around Todd.

And yes, the bachelorette party was incredibly silly and seriously lacked some Blair (and the fact that Viki and Dorian were only one room away was wrong on so many levels), but I've always been a fan of soap episodes that put unlikely people in a room together and just let ordinary rites of passage go on without incident. And a big plus goes to the fact that while all this was happening, Viki was telling Echo that Dorian is "twenty times the woman" she is and then finally kicked Echo out. When Viki paid Dorian that compliment, Robin Strasser had such a classic Dorian/Viki-moment look that spoke volumes about their history of rivalry and deep, deep mutual admiration and respect. Really, any excuse to put Slezak and Strasser in a scene together is a good one for me.

The bachelorette party moved across town into some bizarre impromptu strip tease by Cutter, Joey, Rex, and Shaun, and... well, it was a little weird that Roxy was there drooling over it considering Rex is her kid, but fortunately she wasn't actually drooling over him in particular. It was also very much a celebration of the good looks of the men on this show and, whether or not this crew would be all my top choices, it resonated with me that (for once) hot men and their abs were being celebrated and none of them were Fords. Oh hell yes! And did anyone else find it especially spectacular that Roxy particularly lamented Viki's absence, since Viki would love this so much? I love Roxy's version of Queen Victoria.

On a final note, it just occurred to me that if this wedding goes through, Natalie will no longer be Natalie Banks. And Jessica will no longer be Jessica Brennan. What can I say, I adored their late husbands and this makes my heart hurt.

Destiny out!

So Many Depressing Things

In the days after a snowstorm (another snowstorm and at least one full day of being snowed in!), all people talk about is the weather: how much snow there was, when the next snowstorm will be and what we did on our day(s) off. I am panicking about this last one.

Because what I did yesterday was read and watch TV which, yes, is generally an ideal way to spend a lazy afternoon, but what happens if they press me? What if they ask what I read and watched? I can't answer them honestly, because what I read was Hush, the gut-wrenching story about the death of a child who had been molested by her brother and what I watched was General Hospital, which showcased Michael's confession that Carter raped him in prison. If that one-two punch of disturbing and depressing doesn't get my name passed along to a criminal profiler, I don't know what will!

IN MY DEFENSE, both things were really well done: Hush is just masterfully written and Michael's big moment brought us some genius work from Chad Duell, Laura Wright and Steve Burton (not a typo!).

I have a lot of problems with the way General Hospital chose to let this story unfold, dragging it out ambiguously for so long so that they could pull the "What? No, that didn't even happen a little. My goodness, you people jump to the worst case scenario!" card in case there was viewer backlash or network trepidation and I am disappointed and angry that they didn't bring Elizabeth into this story and I am irked that Jason's pain is as much a focus of these scenes as Michael's, but I have never had a problem with the acting. Chad Duell handled the initial fallout remarkably well and I had faith that he'd do the same if/when the truth came out. And, oh, did he ever. When the Emmys roll around, his biggest problem is going to be deciding exactly what to submit for his reel. And also hoping that I am no longer an Emmy jinx. Remember how I spent months shouting "They might as well engrave Drew Garrett's name on the Emmy right now?" and then he lost and also got fired? Yeah.

While Jason and Michael's conversation was really well done (and I have to say again that Steve Burton did a great job. When Jason teared up, I...well, I actually didn't tear up, but I did see why other people would!) (How sad is it that an actor doing, you know, his job is cause for celebration?), Michael's confession to Carly had me completely gutted. It was fantastic.

Jason: Abby was attacked tonight and Michael stopped the guy. Abby's in the hospital, but Michael's really worried about her.
Carly: Oh, god, is she okay? How badly was she hurt?
Michael: She's pretty beat up.
Carly: Oh, Michael.
Michael: She said she wasn't raped, but, uh, she might be covering, you know? Trying to pretend it didn't happen, not telling anybody, hoping that it would just go away. That's what I did, Mom. I didn't want anybody to know this, but when I was in prison....I was raped.

They rocked it: Carly's worry as Michael struggled and faltered to find the right words to use, and then the way she swallowed him in an enormous hug? I got goosebumps.

(Do you know how valiantly I am struggling not to make a "Laura's got the Wright stuff" joke?! VALIANTLY)

The rest of the show was...also dark and depressing, in a variety of ways.

And Then My Head Explodes

I'm sorry, so according to John McBain and Bo Buchanan, Clint hired Mr. Black (Schwarz) and Mr. Blue (Bluestein) to beat up Robert Ford because "he might have gotten one of his daughters pregnant." 

My veins are literally exploding out of me. Just about. That's why he hired men to rough up Ford? And here I was, thinking he did it because Robert Ford took advantage of his amnesiac crazy-cakes daughter and had unprotected sex with her while she was in the middle of a traumatic situation! Foolish, foolish me. It was really just poor, fun-loving Ford having completely reasonable mutually-desired casual sex with a perfectly rational adult woman and then MEAN OLD CLINT went all crazy and over-protective about it and had some bullies beat him up simply because this totally innocent act might've resulted in a pregnancy!

There is seriously an aneurysm likely in my evening.

And Bo and John sitting there being all douchey and smug about it didn't help matters. Of course they're angry at Clint for myriad justifiable reasons, but having someone beat up a dude who violated his daughter (Bo's niece, John's future sister-in-law) is not an act that should lead to haughty self-righteousness from anyone, much less two people who are supposed to give a damn about Jessica and should, quite frankly, be self-righteous on her behalf right now. And sure, it was street justice, and Bo doesn't stand for that... but John sure as hell does.

And speaking of John, he concluded the questioning of the two thugs by making a homophobic crack after they said they had to get to a PTA meeting ("Yeah? You two have kids together; which one's the mom?"). So charming.