Rylee Part 987: The Sickening
While it goes without saying that the Ryan/Greenlee pairing and the breathless lead-up to another one of their weddings doomed to fail is offensive and lame and, I'm sure, responsible for a large spike in the number of viewers self-medicating in the mid-afternoon, the last few minutes of Thursday's All My Children were exceedingly soapy.
You have Madison retrieving her lost cell phone from Emma who, it needs to be said, is too cute for words and just begging to be squeezed
and suddenly doubling over in pain which, surprisingly, doesn't escape the notice of Ryan; I would have thought that his obliviousness would have ruled that out, but it seems like his hero complex is even more powerful.
And Ryan is like "Say what?"
And I, for one, was delighted (and not just because it will delay the ceremony legally uniting the smug and the douchey. Although now that I think about it, I am conflicted: would I rather these two just put us out of our misery and get married now, or deal with the fallout of Greenlee keeping Madison's secret, which will make Ryan angry--and we are all so impressed by Cameron Mathison's arsenal of angry faces--and force us to sit through weeks or, god forbid, months of the two of them working their way back to each other? Is death an option?). Something entertaining happening at Ryan and Greenlee's wedding--this is truly the plot twist we never saw coming.
Now that I've gotten that shockingly out of character positivity out of my system, let's move on to the grossness.
Greenlee: Ok. I've got to admit I'm getting kind of excited now. Have you written your vows yet?
Ryan: No. I am a man of action. You know? Uh-huh. Acciones.
Greenlee: Mm-hmm. You better get on it because I'm expecting nothing less than Shakespearean poetry.
Ryan: Wow. That's a lot of pressure. Yes, ma'am.
Greenlee: You know you can't spend the night.
Ryan: I know. I know. I wouldn't tempt the gods after everything we've been through. Parting is such sweet sorrow.
2. What, exactly, have Ryan and Greenlee been through? Okay, so there was the time she fell over a cliff and then hated him for a while when she came back from the dead, but other than that?
3. Please don't bring Shakespeare into this.
4. Don't they know that Romeo and Juliet ends in a double suicide? The writers could either be showing their complete ineptitude and staggering lack of reading comprehension OR...they could be giving us some mighty impressive foreshadowing, but I feel that may just be too much to hope for.
That was merely the tip of the disgusting iceberg.
As Wednesday's episode ended, viewers were treated to a Ryan Lavery voiceover, which fittingly related to the stories other characters are tangled in (what does it say about Rylee that Ryan's thoughts on their great love easily apply to Crazy Annie and JR as well?). Did you know that voiceovers can be douchey? They can.
Ryan's Voice: This has been a year of so many changes, the highest highs, but also the greatest loss: Zach, our friend. I'm hoping our wedding will offer a chance to help heal some of that pain, but I know it won't be easy. It's not easy when you have two strong, stubborn people trying to make a life together.
Probably not the two words I would have used, but then again Ryan's never been good at self-awareness.
You always want to handle things on your own, not drag anyone else into it, until you discover that you're always strongest when you fight together.
...you drag EVERYONE into EVERYTHING you do!
There is nothing more powerful in the world than hope. The belief that no matter how many times you fail, this time things will be perfect. And even if they can't be perfect, even if we do lose our way, we take responsibility--
Did I miss the episode when that happened?
--and we do what we can to fix it. Sometimes your future can hit you over the head when you least expect it, so you better be ready to act or you might lose out. And sometimes that future is filled with a lot of bumps along the road, but if you know which way you're headed, you can always find your way...But the true test, the one we face over and over again, is no matter how many times you get knocked down you get back up again. That has been our strength. It has gotten us through the worst and will get us through the rest no matter what. What did you used to tell me? "God laughs at those who make plans." Well, we didn't plan any of this, yet here we are at least, on the verge of happily ever after.
Gross as it may be, I have to admit that it does so perfectly encapsulate Rylee: cloying, cliched phrases about love delivered in a smug tone by someone completely unaware of the horrors he and his beloved leave in their wake.
Then there was the "something old, something new, something borrowed, something blue" bit between Greenlee and Amanda, who brought all of these items on Kendall's behalf.
OLD: they didn't actually need something old, because this go-round of Rylee fits the bill, but Kendall sent over the first lipstick she and Greens made.
NEW: Moonstones from Ryan.
BORROWED: Earrings Zach gave Kendall (I have no words. Only curse words)
BLUE: a gumball from Spike, who is the only person in town to realize what a damn farce this pairing is.
Also, I so rarely understand Greenlee's wardrobe, but her wedding dress might just take the proverbial cake. I am all about unconventional wedding dresses and if she wore a white puffy cupcake gown, I'd mock her mercilessly for it, but the dress she chose was so...ugly.
I couldn't get a really good screencap of it, because the camera crew was as appalled as I was and could only stand to linger on it for a second, but there were tiers. And beading. And the color was so dreadful! "What's the one color Rebecca Budig would look horrible in? Let's put her in that, yeah? Oh, I know, put her in SATINY THAT!"
Did anything else happen the past few days in Pine Valley? I feel like something must have, because if it was all Rylee all the time I probably would have, literally, gotten sick, but...nothing really sticks out in my mind. Well, there was JR finally realizing what he did to break Annie. And Annie once again broke Marissa's head by knocking her out, which is always good for a giggle. And Bianca talked about Reese a lot, which hopefully indicates that that ridiculousness is going to be over for real. But it really seemed like it was mostly Rylee, so it was mostly icky.