Serial Drama

The Failure Is Legendary

I can't believe--no, that's not true. I can believe it. I am offended by and confused about it, and it makes me want to toss a piece of stemware across the room and let loose a primal scream that would do Bruce Weitz proud, but I believe it--that Lucky Spencer was nowhere to be found on an episode about his young son's memorial service.

I know, I know--I should just be grateful that Elizabeth had a speaking part during today's General Hospital because it would have been so typically General Hospital to have the only mention of Jake's parents be part of Michael's brief and self-pitying memorial service recap to Abby ("Steve Webber gave the eulogy. Lucky was a wreck...and Elizabeth was crying too, which was weird. How did they even know Jake?") and asking for a scene or two of Lucky getting ready for and recovering from the memorial would have just been ridiculously selfish, especially since it would have drastically reduced the amount of time Abby and Michael would be able to talk about, well...Michael* but REALLY. REALLY! Dante has been onscreen practically every day for over a year, even in stories that have nothing to do with him (remember when he went to Ireland?! Call me a crazy grudge-holder, but I'll never forget!), and Carly, Jason and Sonny find themselves awkwardly inserted into all of the stories taking place in Port Charles, no matter how far removed they are from them, but Lucky and Elizabeth can't be on for a full week when the story is the death of their child? They don't get a standalone memorial episode? WHAT THE HELL?, THIS EFFING SHOW, I HATE EVERYTHING, ETC.

*Just so I'm clear on this, are we supposed to hate Michael these days? Because I do. When he admitted that he was carrying a gun, I wanted to start chanting "Pentonville! Send him back!" but that would have been weird.

Fascinating. Morbidly, But Still: Fascinating

If Angie hadn't delivered her baby today, marking the start of a story that could wind up being the slowest motion trainwreck All My Children has seen in weeks, I probably would have deleted this episode from my DVR sight unseen because really:

Caleb learns from Erica's maid that Erica has gone off to get married; Jesse delivers his baby; JR, AJ and Marissa reconnect.

People can't really be wondering why the ratings are so terrible, right? Because the four-letter long answer is staring them in the face: D-U-L-L (although S-H-I-T would be another acceptable answer). Much like he was with her twin sister, JR and Marissa are completely toxic together. Or at least, I experience the symptoms of a deadly toxin whenever they are onscreen, in that I instantly become listless, lethargic and find myself praying for death. Caleb? Please. I just cannot. I don't know what he said or did during his seemingly interminable airtime today, but I know that it was boring and delivered by Michael Nouri with the passion and inflection of a man reciting his grocery list.

But I just had to see the start of the Jesse and Angie story unfold, just to gauge exactly how much of a trainwreck it is going to be. And maybe I am grading on one hell of a curve, because compared to the rest of the show it was some downright Emmy-worthy writing, but it doesn't seem as heinous as I assumed. Sure, it's preposterous. And it's only JUST started, and could very well go down the drain tomorrow with Darnell Williams moving from heartbroken to "manic and also, crazy". And it might have felt more organic if the writers had just left Williams and Debbi Morgan go offscreen and get a few minutes of screentime each week just acting out random DRAMATIC scenarios for their Emmy reels.

For now, though? The performances were definitely worth watching.

Jesse: No. NO! I did everything I could. I begged you to open your eyes. I begged you to take a breath. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Oh my god, we loved you so much. We loved you!

Angie: Ellie? Ellie? Jesse, I heard our daughter. I heard her crying. Mommy's here, Ellie. Don't worry.

I mean, Jesse's look of horror and shock at the episode's end was amazing. And it's probably the same look I will have on my face during tomorrow's episode, so...

Angelic Hitman Says WHAT?

I know that grief makes people say and do crazy things, and I know that Jason is in the throes of a grief so powerful and so overwhelming and so heartwrenching that nobody else on the planet (not Lucky and certainly not Elizabeth, who probably shouldn't even be mentioned in the same sentence as Jason and Lucky when it comes to grieving for Jake, because who was she, really? Little more than an acquaintance, if we're being honest. She certainly never spent fifteen minutes bonding with him over toy motorcycles like Jason did!) can possibly understand what he is feeling right now, so part of me wants to soothingly pat him on the head and excuse him for saying the following words which, strung together in this particular order, are INSANE.

The other part of me is like, "What the actual fuck?"

Jason: I thought I was doing the right thing for Jake. I thought I was keeping him safe. It turns out, he might have been safer with me.

It...does not turn out that way, actually, Jason. Here is a list of examples illustrating just how much that is not the case.

1. Everything that has happened to Michael, ever.

It's a short list, but I think it makes my point. Though if it doesn't, we can set aside the next eight hours running down a longer list of all of the people who have had their lives tainted fatally or almost fatally by mob violence and not an accident.

Poor Little Bobby Ford Feels Like Crap

Cry me a mothertrucking river.

If you check in here often, you probably knew this was coming, and I'm happy to deliver. Well, "happy" isn't the word, really, because I am still seething today. I am not seething only because of today's episode but also because I made the foolish choice of exploring various pages and message boards to see what the general viewer consensus is and I've learned that I am clearly insane and watching a different show from much of the viewing public. Apparently there is an alternate-universe One Life to Live out there that also has a character named Ford who has recently found out he has a biological son, but in this alternative universe, he didn't get this biological son by sexually exploiting a mentally ill woman, he did it during a run-of-the-mill one night stand and he is, in fact, a really decent guy who needs to rescue his son Ryder from a handful of evil people -- and this handful of evil people has a ringleader named Brody. Brody is super-evil! He has the nerve to hate this innocent Ford who has truly turned from a player into a wonderful man all for the sake of his new li'l boy! That bastard Brody! 

See, on the One Life to Live I've been watching, Ford did sexually exploit a mentally ill woman and, doing so, neglected to use any sort of protection and impregnated her. He then blocked the mother of his newborn son from getting the professional help she so desperately needed and planned to live in a home with her alter (a woman who has attempted to, in fact, blow people up in the past) having regular access to said infant and wants to completely restrict the child's mother's family from having any contact at all with the child. This includes the child's sister. Any bonding that this baby did with his mother or his mother's side of the family in the weeks after his birth has been deliberately cut off by Ford, and he planned to continue this arrangement indefinitely. Possibly forever.

Why Did This Happen?

It's really a simple question. What was the point of this?

I mean she was bad. Bad as in, I've worked with children who were forced into the drama program because they beat up their classmates in art class and broke a drum set in music and could, in fact, barely read and they were better actors.

I'll freely admit that my entire knowledge bank regarding Kourtney Kardashian has to do with the impersonations of her and her sisters (it's three sisters, right? or is one a mother or cousin or something? are they like the Judds?) on Saturday Night Live and, otherwise, I have never actually seen or heard one of them speak. SNL, it turns out, is not exaggerating. And I don't honestly know what they're famous for. I know they have (had?) a reality show and are maybe heiresses of some sort and are ostensibly attractive -- is that really it? Are they moguls or designers or club owners or anything?

Anyway, I really hope we're not subjected to that again. I have no idea what the point was. On that note, I did point out to a friend yesterday that Cristian always makes everything 15% better, so I'm just going to take a moment here with my very favorite in-show character bumper:

 
 
 

Just a little something to dull the pain.

The Unbearable Darkness of Being

Anguish, along with literally and like, is a word that I have a tendency to both over- and mis-use ("There isn't a new Parks and Recreation until April 14th! I'm totally anguished!"), but really, is there a word that better describes the feeling one has throughout a legacy-killing, continuity-free, endlessly repetitive episode of General Hospital?

This week, the residents of Port Charles mirrored our anguish, as they were all uniformly miserable, which is to be expected, since the major themes of the week were "dead child", "who is responsible for the death of said child?" and "toddler with cancer". They (and we) were heartbroken, pained, and dejected and the dark got even darker with Friday's reveal that Luke was the driver who hit Jake.

 
Luke: I didn't see him. It was dark. That stretch of road is dark. There's no shoulder, there's no sidewalk. My music was blaring. I was rushing to get across town to get to you before your wedding. I drove fast. I always drive fast. I'm a good driver. I--I never ran a light. God, no, I--I never felt anything h-hit... oh, my god, I never saw him. I never saw...I--I--I never saw him.

I mean, honestly. DEPRESSING.

There's a small part of me that wants to, grudgingly, give the show a little bit of credit for not taking the easy way out and having Theo or Franco be the hit-and-run driver. And having the driver be Luke is definitely a bold move, because how does a character come back from that? In the hands of a competent writing staff, there could be a must-watch, albeit terribly sad, story in there about redemption and an irreparable rift between father and son; Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson are more than up to the task.

But this story is not in the hands of a competent writing staff; it's in the hands of a writing staff overseen by a man who will almost surely tire of this story, possibly as early as Wednesday. There is a very real chance that we'll get one huge confrontation between Luke and Lucky, a few scenes of an angry Jason and then the whole thing will peter out and we'll have once again sat through character assassination for the sake of a (small and short-lived) ratings spike.

Putting On A Happy Face. For Now.

I spent the better part of this week with my nerves completely frayed, worried that the rumors would be confirmed and that All My Children would be officially canceled. The show's grisly possible fate had been discussed everywhere from Deadline to The Wall Street Journal to People.com to the conversation between two women in line in front of me at Starbucks and I was starting to bug. I refreshed soap news websites about [REDACTED because it's just...embarrassing. I don't think even the cast was as into it as I was yesterday] times and found myself seriously worried! I mock it a lot--perhaps a more honest statement would be "I mock it always"--but the prospect of not having All My Children to watch (and, yes, complain about in increasingly wordy and increasingly vulgar ways) left me depressed and dejected and despairing and other painful adjectives that begin with D. 

When the official word came that AMC had (temporarily?) been spared, I decided to do something to show my appreciation. "As God is my witness," I cried, because I love grand gestures and Scarlett O'Hara impressions, "I will say something positive about All My Children EVERY DAY!"

Then I watched Wednesday's show and immediately amended that to "...starting tomorrow" because yesterday's episode was a quagmire of just boring awfulness. There is literally--literally!--nothing in the world more boring than watching Caleb navel-gazing about who even knows what, while Michael Nouri looks off-screen at something he enjoys more than being on this show. And liberal doses of Krystal and Marissa? I was in a stupor, from boredom.

But then today came and it was...a lot of the same, but also: A BACHELOR CHARITY AUCTION. It's so old school soapy and ridiculous that I can't help but love it already. It's more than a little bit silly, but in the way that basically guarantees at least a few minutes of delight.

But then a few minutes ago came and several people gave me a heads up about an upcoming story. After the jump a SPOILER. It spoils the story AND your appetite.

Dear Afternoon Television Program,

I am writing today to suggest something that you may very well want to avoid in the future.

So, as you can see above, we have one young fellow who looks like and very much is a teenage person. Perhaps even early teens!

Bear with me here.

 

And as you can see above, we have another young fellow who looks like and very much is a bonafide grownup person. Perhaps even late twenties!

Here's the thing, Afternoon Television Program. Casting actors well into their twenties (and heck, thirties) is a time-honored tradition in the television medium (see: Hills 90210, Beverly). A grownup with a SAG or AFTRA card is easier to employ and work with regularly than a minor with a SAG or AFTRA card. A grownup actor might even have a more honed craft and have more actor training and experience under his or her belt. I understand that. However, the effect is jarring when not done in the proper context. One might consider having a grownup playing a teenager act only in scenes with other grownups playing teenagers so as not to be conspicuous. Here's something conspicuous, for example:

 

Oh dear! Why is the gym teacher beating up his freshman student?! Someone might want to call Child Protective Services.

Also, a quick note: I know you're just an Afternoon Television Program so these things might not make sense to you, but normally when one is job-hunting and is on an extremely limited budget, one should make sure one has an operating telephone above all else. This includes flannel shirts, designer jeans, laptops, and professional body waxings.

I should also take a moment to commend you for giving your character Nate one good personality trait. I almost liked him yesterday when he mentioned that he doesn't care if Todd Manning lives or dies, because on that topic? He and I are likethis. Speaking of Todd Manning, yesterday you had your character Blair Cramer mention that Todd is the only one who can handle his son Jack when he's at his worst and that she cannot parent Jack alone. When you get a chance, could you put together a bullet point list for me with examples of Todd doing any sort of constructive parenting when it comes to his son Jack (hint: enabling actually does not count)? Please support your argument.

Thanks for taking the time to read my letter, Afternoon Television Program. Also, the new girl is pretty.

Love,

Weezie

 

That Other Show

I realize that most of us soap viewers have been spending the week either panicking about the cancellation rumors regarding the drama that airs right before OLTL, or throwing things at the television and having rage blackouts regarding that little show that airs after OLTL, and I count myself among these viewers. I therefore apologize that I may be remiss in covering all the bases when pointing out the various infuriating and awesome and horrible and delightful details of One Life to Live. It's especially difficult at the moment when I'm finding it near impossible to determine the tone of the show much less respond to it.

On that note, David Vickers is back. I have no idea how long Tuc Watkins is sticking around this time -- it could be three days or three weeks, and I honestly don't care. Either way puts a crimp in our willing suspension of disbelief since we always know he's not staying. I'd like to be happy for Dorian. It's good to see her smile and have a little joy that just about her, but I can't help feeling that the happier we see her, the more miserable she'll be when David's latest visit comes to its inevitable end. And look. Sending someone to a Moroccan prison for eight months and letting his loved ones think he just abandoned them is a really, really bad thing to do. Clint was wrong and bad and mean to do it, and Rex was wrong and bad and mean to allow it to continue. I don't blame anyone for wanting Clint to pay for it (though I do blame everyone who has just given Rex one earful and then let him completely off the hook). But if they want this storyline to have any stakes at all for us, they have to clarify the tone. Because all we've had since David's return is "comedy" (I assume I do not have to explain why this is in quotes). Jokes that suggest the worst thing about being imprisoned for the better part of a year was that the guards withheld astringent and how David is going to avenge what happened to his pores... well, these jokes don't exactly up the ante. It just makes me shrug the whole thing off and root for Clint because he happens to be more interesting, which I assume is not the intent. Newsflash: it is possible to have a character who often functions as comic relief actually play the darker moments when necessary (Have they met Roxy? No seriously, sometimes it feels like they haven't.). In fact, David used to actually be a character with both lights and darks. Right now he's no more than a cartoon, so I can't muster up a hoot to give regarding his quest for justice.

This Show Is Heartbreaking. Interpret That As You Please.

If you pretend that today's episode of General Hospital isn't an episode, exactly, but actually a series of standalone vignettes that just happen to add up to sixty minutes, it was pretty fantastic: the performances by Rebecca Herbst, Jonathan Jackson, Steve Burton and Laura Wright were nothing short of phenomenal and there were some pieces of dialogue that gave me goosebumps and had me pausing the DVR so I could open another package of tissues.

 
  
Lucky: It's only the machines keeping his body going at this point.
Elizabeth, voice tiny and heartbroken: I know that. I'm just not ready to let him go.

Lucky: I can't tell you, man, how thankful I am that you gave me the chance to be Jake's father. Every day, man, every day he brought so much joy to my life...and now he's gone.

Lucky: You know, ultimately it's your fault that I took those boys in. You made being a father look like so much fun. I just couldn't resist. I wanted to know what that felt like. I wanted to be on the other side of things. I didn't know it was possible to love that much.  

But when you look at the episode as, you know, an episode, it was fucking awful.

Oh, yes, it made me sniffle, sob, and weep (it's hardly an achievement--I cry at everything. They could have just filmed Rebecca Herbst saying, "I am really, really sad right now" while wiping her eyes, and I'd choke out "Oh, Becky! Don't be sad!" while dabbing my eyes with a tissue, so really, they oughtn't pat themselves on the back too hard on that point), but you know what else it made me do? GASP in HORROR SLASH RAGE. HORRAGE, if you will.