A Port Charles Shocker: LOGIC!
I am TORN.
On the one hand, I watched Jasper Jacks and the epic way he hit Carly with some knowledge and I felt a feeling of euphoria. I was twitterpated, even.
On the other hand, I will now spend the rest of the night worried about the safety and future of Awesome Writer. Who knows what sort of torment poor Awesome Writer will face for letting such reason and such rightness hit the airwaves? It could be bodily harm or, worse, being forced to spend hours watching Jason and Spinelli fan videos on YouTube. I wish General Hospital would at least air a disclaimer at the end of the episode. "No Awesome Writers were hurt during the filming of this show", or something. It would really ease my fears.
What has me all twitterpated (this is my current favorite word so, fair warning, you'll be reading it a lot)? Oh, I don't know, the way Jax schooled Carly with FACT, maybe?
(I was going to pick and choose only my favorite lines, but all of them were my favorite. And then I was going to italicize the very best bits, and then all of them wound up italicized. I loved it all. I am also on a sugar high...)
Carly: This is Jasper Jacks, my husband. This is Shawn. He was injured. He's been trying to help save Brenda.
Jax: I'm assuming that this is the same man Sonny tried to interrogate? The same man that works for Theo?
Shawn: I don't work for him anymore.
Jax: I'm supposed to take your word for that?
Carly: You don't know him.
"See, I DO know him. We go way back to like, two weeks ago. There is literally nothing I don't know about him. Literally. Nothing."
Jax: No, that's right, I don't know him and I don't need to know him. But what I do know is you brought a criminal into our house.
Carly, grasping at straws for something that can make this defensible: He has information that can help us find Brenda.
Jax: Then why isn't he at Sonny or Jason's, huh? Why does it always fall on you to help scum like this?
Shawn: Hey, you need to dial it down, Mr. Jacks. I can see you're not happy with the situation, but that doesn't give you the right to throw around insults.
Yes, "scum" was a low blow. I mean, it IS a four-letter word.
Jax: You're right. He's absolutely right. My problem isn't with him. It's with you.
Carly: Don't start with me.
Jax: You may think that it's okay to subject the kids to situations like this, but I don't. So from now on, Josslyn is going to be staying at the hotel with me.
Carly: So now I'm an unfit mother?
Jax: Yes, I'd say this qualifies you to be an unfit mother right now. And you haven't exactly had the best judgment when it comes to Michael, have you?
Carly: Oh, that's great, thanks Jax.
Jax: Well, there's a total stranger on my couch, bleeding!
"Do you KNOW how hard it is to get a bloodstain out of a sofa?! And also, unhygienic!"
Jax: Does it bother you at all that he's bringing violence into this house? He's been targeted by Theo Hoffman. His men are probably still after him. They could be surrounding the house as we speak.
Carly, operating under her "When in doubt, SCREAM LIKE A BANSHEE" theory: I WAS TRYING TO HELP AND FIX THE WHOLE SITUATION, JAX!
Jax: What about Sonny? Any chance that he'll stop by with some of his thugs and rough Shawn up while Morgan watches?
Shawn: Right now, the only person being attacked seems to be Carly.
Jax: You just told me that you wanted Morgan and Joss to grow up to be like me, not Sonny. Well, actions speak louder than words, Carly. Exposing the kids to this kind of danger is irresponsible parenting.
Carly: I will be by the hotel later to pick up Josslyn.
Jax: No, you won't.
Carly: Don't push me, Jax.
Jax: How do you expect me to react? If you're not going to protect our kids, then I have to. You're not getting Josslyn.
You know what's not at all surprising? That there is a custody battle for Joss. Who wouldn't want that fat-headed cutie in their company at all times?
And that ended Jax's reign of awesome. No, just kidding, it totally didn't because then he had words for Sonny and those words were harsh and every blunt assessment he made of Sonny's life warmed my heart. See, Jax called Diane (why didn't he call Alexis?) to ask her to revise the custody agreement to put in a sanity clause (no, that's really what he said. No, he didn't make a snarky joke about how Carly's never been sane, although he should have) and Sonny interrupted. Jax, on a roll and figuring that he ought to make the most of this before tragedy strikes (spoiler? But not really, because we all know that when good things happen for a person in this town, tragedy strikes), got bitchy.
Okay, he got bitchy after this:
Sonny: A madman has Brenda. I'm not waiting for the cops. Now, you go ahead and do what you want to do, but stay the hell away from me.
Says the man who interrupted a private conversation Jax was having! What the hell?
Jax: Morgan and Josslyn, they need to be protected from the violence that almost destroyed Michael's life and if Carly won't do it, then I have to.
Sonny: You want custody of Carly's kids?
Jax: Yes, for now, I do.
Sonny: And you think she's going to cave into your paranoid demands.
I've gotten more generous in recent years, because I figured that even Sonny wasn't so deranged and so lacking in self-awareness that he could look back on the last, say, three years in Port Charles and all of the violence experienced by anyone who has ever spoken to him and act like there's not a problem and that the problem isn't named Sonny. I was wrong. So very wrong.
how can anybody, even Sonny, look back on the last three years in Port Charles and all the violence that has followed everybody Sonny has ever spoken to and
Diane: If Carly's not willing to compromise--
Sonny: You are out on a limb. Fighting a losing battle. Even Diane, right Diane, is going to bail out.
Jax: You know, I hope to god that you wake up before you kill off your entire family.
Dear Jasper Jacks,
Marry me. I realize that would make me one of those crazy people who consider themselves wed to fictional characters, like that group of crazy women who considered themselves married to Severus Snape and no, I am not making that up, but really. You have me twitterpated.
Other things of note that happened in Port Charles--and "of note" is a relative term:
- Oh! Dante suspected and Spinelli confirmed (not to Dante of course because, ew, cop cooties) that Adrienne Barbeau is a sketchy, possibly villainous person. Spinelli tracked her down and learned that Adrienne Barbeau's (character's) real name is actually Stephanie Wade! And that she married The Balkan 35 years ago. Jason's mind was blown by this shocking, retconned revelation, which must be why he was so off his game when Suzanne arrived at his penthouse because he basically waited five whole seconds before blurting out, "You're Theo's wife?" That was a rookie mistake for such a seasoned criminal!
- Johnny got jealous seeing Olivia with Steve and flaunted his relationship with Lisa in front of them. First of all, ew. Second of all, Brianna Brown's hair on this show is SO BAD. Why has she not sued yet? I will testify on her behalf. Third of all, they went back to Johnny's and started to grossly have sex which, hilariously, Matt and Maxie were forced to watch, since they were there snooping around to find the infamous syringe.
- I don't believe that Jules is long for this world, which distresses me.
- Lucky and Siobhan are getting married! They sealed this proposal not with a kiss, but a formal handshake, ha.
Luke: What is it with us Spencer men and our weakness for damsels in distress?
Alexis: Probably the same reason you like to drive big long cars.
Dear Awesome Writer,
If you have survived your punishment for the above-mentioned Jax awesomeness, please make sure to work in many (many!) more scenes between Luke and Natasha because HILARIOUS.