My Heart Is Melting, Just a Tad (Pun!)
I know that when I look back on this post someday, I am going to cringe for my mid-March self and how hopelessly naive I was, getting swept up in the awesome potential of Tad and Cara, even though it will all likely be shot to hell in character-assassinating ways in as little as three weeks, but really. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!
If the headwriters have even half a working brain between them (ha, I made a joke), they'd do a slowburn story with Tad and Cara falling in love for real (and then they can have another wedding, like Jake and Amanda did, and that wedding will probably also be ADORABLE) because Michael E. Knight and Lindsay Hartley are just SO good together, and I would do a whole lot of swooning and squealing, and I'm not saying that the writing staff should make storyline decisions based on whether or not I'd enjoy them; I'm just saying that it would be nice, considering some of what I have sat through.
But since history has a habit of repeating itself, mostly because the writers seem to do little more than photocopy old scripts, that probably won't happen, so I might as well enjoy the squealing while I can.
During the wedding itself, Tad and Cara were trying their hardest to put on big smiles and speak in the chirpiest of voices to send a message to Agent Trumbull and the various naysayers that this isn't a terrible mistake, so their best moments came after the ceremony. Specifically, way after the ceremony, when they were cleaning up from the festivities...can I just say that this hastily put together marriage of convenience seemed to have a better turnout than the elaborate wedding of Sonny and Brenda?
Anyway, as they tidied, Tad realized that immigration officials were lurking outside spying on them.
Tad: No, that's what I mean. It doesn't exactly scream "crazy in love wedding night," you and me hanging around, cleaning up.
Cara: Ok. Fair enough. So, what, you want to crack the window, and I can fake a Meg Ryan?
Tad giggled in response. Seriously, he actually giggled and it was genuinely adorable.
Instead of faking orgasms for Immigration's benefit, Tad suggested that they check into a luxurious honeymoon suite at a hotel where they shared a sweet, goofy first dance.
So let's rewind, I guess, to the ceremony itself. Or maybe we should start BEFORE the ceremony with these random bits of discussion:
- Kendall and Cara's friendship is adorable; I hope the show keeps this up and incorporates Kendall's friendship with Madison, because she needs some non-Rylee and non-evil shoulders to lean on the next time something HORRIBLE happens to her.
- Griffin offered to leave town with Cara, in case she didn't want to go through with the wedding and...sometimes Jordi Vilasuso and Lindsay Hartley come across as most decidedly non-related. I know that a brother could very well tell his sister that he'd do anything for her, but it came off as decidedly non-brotherly in this situation.
- The show is so hilarious when it tries to foreshadow, like when Cara told Griffin that Pine Valley has a lot to offer and at that exact moment, Kendall sauntered in, all gussied up for the wedding. Way to spell it out for us, AMC! Especially when that was followed by Griffin literally looking Kendall up and down. Like, when he said "I'm not thinking about your physical health", I expected him to follow up with "I'm thinking about your physical form and I like what I see". She did look ultra pretty, though.
- Jesse's sweet, albeit brief, support of Tad made me curse the show for turning the wonderful Jesse Hubbard into a hypocritical, self-righteous tool.
- Ricky Paull Goldin and Chrishell Stause went a very long time with nothing really interesting to do: Jake and Amanda kissed, and sometimes made kissy-faces at each other, and often talked about having sex, but that was it. So they must have welcomed all of this angst with open arms because they are seriously bringing it in all of their scenes.
- These are Opal's pajamas:
- Oh, AJ!
A.J.: But we're always alone, Dad. How come everyone leaves us?
How sad is that?! Poor AJ does not have an easy life at all. I think a visit from Grandpa Adam would be just the shot of happiness AJ and the audience need (I will forever look for a reason to incorporate a David Canary guest spot! I'm not going to lie, though...I seriously toyed with the idea of photoshopping Forever Aloneonto AJ's face, because I am a terrible person.
- Cara also found out that Amanda was the one who ratted her out and was late to her own wedding because she took a quick detour filled with righteous fury.
Cara: So I want to know why you are so threatened.
Amanda: Maybe because you're still in love with him.
Cara: That's not true.
Amanda: Oh, my God! Yes, it is! You were just wearing your engagement ring around your neck!
Cara: I gave it back.
Amanda: Because you finally realized how inappropriate it was, not because you're over him.
Cara: If you really believe that, then you have royally screwed yourself, sweetheart. Because I'm here to stay, for better or worse -- for three years, anyway. Unless I'm exposed as a fraud, and then you got reason to celebrate, because I'm gone -- and then probably killed. I'm so glad you're feeling better. I'll see you at the wedding.
- You'd think it would be impossible to make someone as undeniably gorgeous as Chrishell Stause look bad, but the AMC hair and makeup people have united to prove just how much that is not the case. She's been walking around with those big mermaid waves for weeks, and when she got dressed and attempted to go to the wedding, her makeup was just...ew.
- Speaking of dresses, Marissa looked like she just walked off the set of a music video produced in 1995.
- Opal's was sparkly.
She also cried at the wedding (even though she knows it's fake) and basically felt up Griffin, so it was a pretty good few days for her.
Then there was the wedding. To the surprise of no one, Cara looked super pretty.
Mrs. Castillo: You've done your homework. Are those the trece monedas de oro?
Tad: I'm not sure. If that means "13 gold coins in a box," yeah. Si.
And the vows were...basically what you'd expect of a couple only pretending to be in love.
Cara: Yes. In a whirlwind, right? One second I'm chugging along, doing my thing, bouncing from one spot to the next, and the next thing I know I'm here. I'm stuck. My whole world's on its head. Very scary place to be, but I wasn't afraid, because there you were. And I wasn't stuck. I was home. I just didn't know it yet. Tad -- you are sweet, you are kind, you are loving, and you are so generous. I can honestly say I thank God for you, and I promise you I will every day.
Tad: You and I are definitely a unique couple. There's no getting around it. I don't think there's anybody here that could argue the point, but I don't care, because in my heart I know this is right. I'm glad you mentioned being stuck. For the longest time before you showed up, I felt like I was standing in one place without a purpose, sort of waiting for something more. You are that "something." I'll be proud to call you my wife. I promise to honor and cherish and protect it for as long as you'll let me.
As excited as I was for this whole shindig, it doesn't even compare to Kathy's elation. The girl was in a constant state of glee from her first scene on Tuesday, all smiles and jumping up and down and hamming it up during the celebration. I sort of love her, like, a lot. And I also loved at how quickly Jenny jetted down the aisle while Kathy took very slow and serious steps.
Less excited? Jake.
The only person more overtly miserable was Joe, who was almost seething with anger over the shenanigans. All of his dialogue might as well have been accompanied by a "Get off my lawn!" fist shake.
Like, his toast?
Joe: Cara, you've just married a man who will stand behind you no matter what. May you be healthy, happy, and safe.
I've gotten form letters that were less impersonal and business-like, including those that misspell my name in new and creative ways.
Joe: It's a mistake, Tad. I don't know. Maybe even a crime.
Tad: Pop, I know it's not a perfect solution.
Joe: Not even close.
Ruth: I guess we're all family now.
Joe: [Rolls his eyes so hard he got motion sickness and practically vomited all over everyone and everything]
It's not that I don't see where Joe is coming from, since he's understandably concerned for Jake, but it's like Florida made him extra ornery.
Haters aside, I have to say that overall, the wedding was ADORABLE.
So now the question is: how quickly will this all blow up in our faces?