Serial Drama

Soapy Italian Weddings and One Good Thing About Todd Manning

Last week, One Life to Live gave us torturous scene after scene in which the people in his life stood by Todd before and after his surgery begging him to come back, sniffling and crying all over the place about how horrible it would be if he died without the daughter he verbally and psychologically abused making sure he knows how sorry she is that he verbally and psychologically abused her. None of them could come up with one single redeeming characteristic of his, and so all of them collectively decided that they love the fact that he treats them all monstrously and cannot wait for him to regain consciousness so he can come back and continue to abuse them all in various ways. This was a little funny the first time since, well, he's a lead character on the show whose love life we're supposed to be invested in and whose survival we're intended to care about and even the very writers who ask us to show such interest cannot think of a good reason why. The first time. Then it became more and more tedious as it became clearer that we were meant to find this somehow endearing. "Dad, Dad, please come back so I can fear for my life at your hand again!" ADORABLE.

His daughter Starr has been bland and vapid for years now and has lost most of what made her interesting. His daughter Dani is played by a talented actress, but that doesn't really help the fact that the character exists primarily to yell and cry. His son Jack has always been a jerk (albeit a funny one in the past) but is now evolving into a full-scale instigating bully and is played by a newcomer who seems miserably uncomfortable in his skin. So that leaves us with what is now One Good Thing About Todd Manning. 

His youngest son, Sam. So freaking cute. I want to take this kid to the zoo. And really, it's renewed my optimism and faith in humanity. You'd think the biological child of two sociopath rapists wouldn't be so damn adorable. But you'd be wrong.

In Which Emma Lavery Captures The Hearts of Millions

Okay, so anyone who pays even slight attention to daytime ratings knows that title is hugely hyperbolic, but "Emma Lavery Captures The Hearts of Tens" just didn't have the same ring to it and regardless of just how many worshippers this adorable little moppet has, the point remains: the girl is all kinds of amazing.

Emma: If Mommy's at the hospital, I want to go, too.
Greenlee: Emma, that's not possible.
Emma: Fine, I'll go by myself. I know how to get there.
Ryan: Hey, Mommy's not at Pine Valley hospital, sweetie.
Emma: Where is she?
Ryan: She's at a hospital called Oak Haven.
Emma: I've heard of that place. Mommy was scared of it. She said she'd die if she went back.
Ryan: That's not going to happen, I promise you. That's not going to happen.
Emma: I don't believe you, Daddy. I hate you. I HATE YOU.

 
I hate you. I HATE YOU.

I hate you. I HATE YOU.

I hate you. I HATE YOU.

I am not going to tell you the number of times I rewound that scene just to drink in those beautiful words again and again, because you'd judge me (or you'd share your own absurd number of re-watches and then we'd get into a "Who Hates Ryan Lavery More?" contest), but let's just say it was a lot.

And Ryan's baffled reaction was just the icing on the cake.

"Nobody's ever said those words to me in that order. Emma, are you sure you weren't trying to say "I hate your awesomeness?" because you're slightly jealous of me?"

Probably The Greatest Rumor Ever

Voice of a generation Lindsay Lohan may have claimed she's "tired of rumors starting" (remember when Lindsay Lohan attempted a music career and it was hugely embarrassing? Who would have guessed that we'd look back on that and it would be her peak!) but I'm more than okay with rumors, especially when they hint at something so amazing...

From Soap Opera Digest:

We're hearing that Robert Guza, Jr. is on his way out as GENERAL HOSPITAL's head writer. ABC Daytime doesn't comment on rumors, but an insider tells us there's a good chance it's true.

My rational side is telling me to calm down because it's just a rumor and hardly set in stone, but my easily excited side is on a pretty major caffeine and sugar high, thanks to a huge iced coffee. So if you need me, I'll be trying to relax while simultaneously flailing my hands in hysteria.

UPDATE: Boo-Urns!

A GENERAL HOSPITAL spokesperson reports that Bob Guza is not exiting the show.

I need a .gif that expresses limitless sadness.

It's Like "Groundhog Day", Except It's Written Terribly. And Also A Tragedy.

I cannot even, you guys. I cannot even.

 
I cannot even tell you how much I am dreading spending the next few days/weeks/months, depending on how long before the General Hospital writing staff gets bored with this story, watching something horrible happen to an adorable little boy. I just...the never-ending despair that is life in Port Charles and the quickness with which soap writers go the dead/dying/in peril hurt and offend me.

I cannot even tell you how annoyed I am, pre-emptively, at how this will be spun to make it seem like Jason and Sonny's lifestyle isn't so dangerous after all. "Sure, the mob is quote dangerous un-quote, but you know what else is dangerous and/or deadly? Doors that open. Yeah. That's the REAL danger!"

I cannot even roll my eyes hard enough to fully express my irritation at how Jason-focused this story is going to be. The promo is all about him! "A hitman with a painful past..." Let me finish that sentence for you, Gravelly-Voiced Promo Man: "A hitman with a painful past is, literally, involved in every single thing to ever happen on this show. Granted, not very much happens on this show, so that is sort of a hyperbolic statement but still. He's everywhere".

I cannot even muster up the energy to rant at how often and how blatantly Bob Guza rips off his own stories. Another accident that could have been caused by any one of the harried drivers on that road at that exact time? We're doing that AGAIN? REALLY?

See? I can only angrily spit out three sentences and a mere 26 words. They've finally broken me.

Notes For The Midterm Evaluations...

Note to self: formalize (and clean up?) before submitting to higher-ups with midterm grades and written evaluations. Set up some parent-teacher conferences but do try to avoid some parents (T. Manning, C. Buchanan, R. Ford, R. Balsom).

Little Johnny McBain: Uncooperative. Perhaps earn his respect by offering a few St. Patrick's Day beers. Apparently can consume several liters of hard liquor and still stand. Appears to be struggling with several lessons. Going through a hell of a time after being tricked into a family and then learning he'd been lied to egregiously, but seems to have a great deal of confusion on the points of betrayal. Classmate Kelly uses phrases like, "Brody went behind your back and slept with your fiancee" and Little Johnny fails to correct her. Perhaps offer refresher course on definition of fiancee (i.e., someone you are currently engaged to). Perhaps remind Little Johnny of then-romantic-commitment to Little Marty Saybrooke. Speak to school nurse about addressing rancid-breath issues as a result of several-day bender. (Self: possibly bring air fresheners or Bad Air Sponge to class as his pores are starting to secrete Jack Daniels.) Possibly set classmate Brody up as a tutor for him on how one mans up. Midterm Average: C-

Jack Manning: Is he sleeping okay? Perhaps recent growth spurt has rendered him unable to comfortably make gestures and form convincing sentences. Has always been a little prick but lately directing it more specifically. Seems to goad a female classmate into fake sexual situations she's clearly not comfortable with -- genetic? A major concern. Also confused in chapter on "poor white trash," as he thinks it can apply to family with no housing costs living in giant home on wealthy estate. (Note to self: make appointment only with mother. Avoid father and stepmother, as might be perpetuating problems.) Midterm Average: D+.

Shane Morasco: Showing major improvements. Almost opposite trajectory as classmate Jack, as Shane has become more competent at convincingly communicating words and feelings. Awkward but great potential. Keep eye on for future roles in class play. Midterm Average: B+.

Sam Manning: Absent. Almost all of the time. News says father shot and in hospital -- called home and no answer from mother, siblings, aunt, or staff. Called hospital and no sign of him. Possibly call CPS. Concerned for whereabouts and well-being. Midterm Average: Incomplete.

Who's The Lunatic, Anyway?

If I had to describe General Hospital in three--let me revise that. If I had to describe General Hospital in three family-friendly words, I would say: Bitches be crazy.

I know that Bob Guza will read those words (not that I think he reads this blog, but he does seem like the type to have a Google alert for himself. I'm just saying) and assume that, by bitches, I mean "Women" because that is the definition in his world and then he'll crow "Was I right or was I RIGHT?" and start doing an Arsenio Hall "Whoop whoop, whoop!", and I find a lot of things in life to be immensely distasteful, but that is one of the most immensely distasteful things I can envision, so let me be clear: I consider everyone on this show to be a crazy bitch right about now, regardless of gender. Everyone in Port Charles has exhibited a stunning lack of sense that really calls for a mass institutionalization.

Let's start with the first person who comes to mind when you say the word "crazy". Or the words "delusional heifer": Dr. Lisa Niles.

 
The writing staff has really relished the task of ripping off dialogue from the "Woman Scorned" section of the Lifetime catalogue.

Lisa: Patrick and I have a history longer than he's ever had with Robin. We've had all these great times together. Now he's acting like none of it even existed. How can he do that? How can he just block that from his mind?

Lisa: Well, it's hard to stand by and watch Robin slowly kill the Patrick that I loved...[...]well, sometimes it feels like I don't have a life without Patrick.

Lisa: Ok, I am not the psycho stalker that his wife wants him to believe. Patrick and I are an amazing team. We'll handle the case, do the surgery, then he'll remember all the reasons he wanted to be with me.

Lisa: God, you are so tedious. So when are you going to give this victim thing a rest? Your husband cheated on you. It happens all the time. You need to grow up, get over it and stop blaming me for your inability to keep his interest.

Yes, Greasy Sae (yeah, I just dropped a Hunger Games reference. In a related story, I am a nerd), Robin is the tedious one. You, with the same meager lines of dialogue you've been spouting since JUNE, are the epitome of fresh and exciting and OMFG, this story is never going to end, is it? Robin and Patrick and Lisa will be bickering about deadly syringes when they are residents at Shady Pines. Either that, or the show will get canceled before this story has a proper ending.

Silver Linings? (or Why Don't The Shooters Ever Have Better Aim?)

Tomas yesterday and Alex Olanov today. It's like they know this show has been dreadful since February ended and they just need to throw a bone our way so we don't jump ship. But Alex Olanov! Hot damn do I love Alex Olanov.

However, most everything else was bleak, weak, or infuriating. The first half of the episode was pure torture, but a few things picked up later. I'll save the best for last.

On the "bleak, weak, and infuriating" side of things, I cannot deal with histrionics over Todd. "Who would do this to my Dad?!" Oh, Dani, how much time do you have? It's going to be a long list. Todd's youngest daughter had a great revelation today as she decided that she'd been the one in the wrong in her recent showdown in which Todd pointed a gun at her and her sister and friends: "I acted like Dad was just something getting in the way of what I want, but he's not!" You're right, Dani, he's not. He's so much more than that! He's a heinous beast who think you're his possession and he has an especially inappropriate and warped obsession with your sex life, which should really give you some serious pause since he's a convicted rapist. 

I do have to say it was a little hilarious that not a single person who was flailing about and crying over Todd having been shot could come up with one solitary kind thing to say about him. It was all, "Come back to us, we miss your awful self! We love it when you're horrible to us, we can't wait till you wake up and yell at us again!" Oh it's so charming how he doesn't have one single redeeming quality! Even Blair was giving unconscious Todd a pep talk that went something like, "Come on, don't die! You need to stay alive for...other people." Lord knows she has no use for him.

Terrible, Horrible, No-Good, Very Bad People

That's the best way to sum up many of the characters in Llanview these days. But before I begin what will inevitably devolve into an inarticulate rant, I give you Tomas:

So not everything sucks. Now onto the business at hand...

Langston. Ford. Todd. Charlie. Echo. My head is exploding.

Shall we begin with the milder cases? Charlie and Echo and their little affair behind Viki's back allegedly "ended" today (and then re-started by the end of the episode), complete with a big discussion between the two of them about how Dorian is somehow the bad guy here because she made Charlie end his extramarital affair. Dorian is the bad guy in this scenario. You read that right. That's how they characterized it. (Infuriating as they were, Kim Zimmer and Brian Kerwin are still doing a bang-up job.)

Todd, on the other hand, didn't do anything today other than lie around bleeding after getting shot (can't anyone with a gun pointed at Todd ever have better aim?!), but what was and is being done around him and being done for him is just revolting on every level.

Tea refers to Todd as "over-protective" and Dani is all of a sudden becoming sympathetic to his abuse? Also, flashbacks to Todd and Tea's "hot" S&M sex the other day doesn't exactly comfort me. Raise your hand if you're comfortable watching a serial rapist have violent sex. If your hand is up, I.... am nervous. And Dani explaining to Tomas that when Todd loves you he has your back forever? That crap he pulled on her last week was "having her back?" Seriously? That looked to me like a man threatening his children and their friends with a gun and essentially calling his daughters disgusting sluts. If anyone ever has my back like that, please pry them as far away from my back as physically possible. (Thanks!)

My Heart Is Melting, Just a Tad (Pun!)

I know that when I look back on this post someday, I am going to cringe for my mid-March self and how hopelessly naive I was, getting swept up in the awesome potential of Tad and Cara, even though it will all likely be shot to hell in character-assassinating ways in as little as three weeks, but really. Look at them. LOOK AT THEM!

 
THEY ARE ADORABLE!

If the headwriters have even half a working brain between them (ha, I made a joke), they'd do a slowburn story with Tad and Cara falling in love for real (and then they can have another wedding, like Jake and Amanda did, and that wedding will probably also be ADORABLE) because Michael E. Knight and Lindsay Hartley are just SO good together, and I would do a whole lot of swooning and squealing, and I'm not saying that the writing staff should make storyline decisions based on whether or not I'd enjoy them; I'm just saying that it would be nice, considering some of what I have sat through.

But since history has a habit of repeating itself, mostly because the writers seem to do little more than photocopy old scripts, that probably won't happen, so I might as well enjoy the squealing while I can.

During the wedding itself, Tad and Cara were trying their hardest to put on big smiles and speak in the chirpiest of voices to send a message to Agent Trumbull and the various naysayers that this isn't a terrible mistake, so their best moments came after the ceremony. Specifically, way after the ceremony, when they were cleaning up from the festivities...can I just say that this hastily put together marriage of convenience seemed to have a better turnout than the elaborate wedding of Sonny and Brenda?

 
Because really.

Anyway, as they tidied, Tad realized that immigration officials were lurking outside spying on them.

Tad: No, that's what I mean. It doesn't exactly scream "crazy in love wedding night," you and me hanging around, cleaning up.
Cara: Ok. Fair enough. So, what, you want to crack the window, and I can fake a Meg Ryan?

Tad giggled in response. Seriously, he actually giggled and it was genuinely adorable.

Instead of faking orgasms for Immigration's benefit, Tad suggested that they check into a luxurious honeymoon suite at a hotel where they shared a sweet, goofy first dance.

 

 
So much cuteness!

Oh, Plot Point Writing. I Hate You.

There is some serious Invasion of the Body Snatchers stuff going on, because Kendall--KENDALL!!--said these words today:

Kendall: What good is a purpose if it just leads to a dead end? 

Kendall: I haven't been "here" in a very long time. So this is me. This is me stopping right now. I am going to stop all the craziness and stop all the obsessing and I am moving on with my life.

The writers of All My Children ask me to believe all sorts of crazy things on the regular, like Ryan being the most sought after man on the planet or Marissa becoming a lawyer in less than half an hour or Rebecca Budig having any interest in staying with this show for the long haul (I love her and all, but what's with her lately? She's about as disengaged and over it as Tyler Christopher), but believing that Kendall is going to just give up finding out the truth about Zach's death is just ludicrous. When does Kendall EVER let go of something she's been obsessing over? NEVER, is the answer to that question.

We've watched her fixate on all sorts of trivial things and sat through the interminable period of time that she was consumed with reuniting Ryan and Greenlee, but she suspects that there is more to Zach's death and she just moves on after a couple of hours? Because she seemed excited to get her Nancy Drew on and said on Tuesday:

Kendall: Trying to find Zach's hidden message -- it's given me this energy, this drive, and I haven't had that in a really long time.

And now it's, "Never mind, moving on"? What the hell? This is sloppy and out of character, which isn't completely surprising considering the show we're discussing here, but seriously.

Silver lining?I now have a new game to play during AMC called "Where is Ricky lurking in the creepiest of ways?" Today we saw him spying on Kendall at Krystal's with his eyes peering out over the top of a large menu and then again, staring in her window. It is kind of hilarious.

And a PLATINUM lining?

I love them. I know. I am setting myself up for all sorts of disappointment, but I can't help it, Tad and Cara have completely won me over. Tad is like a totally new character with this re-invigoration and Lindsay Hartley is the cutest. The wedding deserves a proper post of its own, so check back over the weekend for a recap!