Serial Drama

Sorry, Charlie. (No, Really, I Am.)

Disappointing but unsurprising casting news today at One Life to Live. Looks like Brian Kerwin (Charlie) is on his way out.

 

Unsurprising because you really do not give the Queen of Llanview a husband and then have him carry on sexually behind her back with one of her worst enemies and get away with it. Poor Charlie's been little more than a total sad sack ever since the death of his son Jared, and these latest shenanigans were sort of the writing on the wall. I'd say they had written themselves into a corner with the character, but really? Our leading men have all been much more pathetic and behaved much worse than Charlie has and we're somehow still being asked to swoon.

As of this writing, there is no news other than the announcement itself (I will come back and fill in more after we get a little more info!), so who knows if it was his choice or if he's been dropped from the show. If it's the latter, it's truly baffling as he's a respected and award-winning actor in television, film, and theatre, and has pretty consistently gotten himself Daytime Emmy nominations (or at least pre-noms) for this show even in years that barely feature Charlie in any substantive way. He's really always been quite a "get" for OLTL, regardless of how they've written and treated the character.

Are you as sad to see him go as I am? But is anyone truly surprised? And what will this mean for Viki's love life?

A Port Charles Shocker: LOGIC!

I am TORN.

On the one hand, I watched Jasper Jacks and the epic way he hit Carly with some knowledge and I felt a feeling of euphoria. I was twitterpated, even.

On the other hand, I will now spend the rest of the night worried about the safety and future of Awesome Writer. Who knows what sort of torment poor Awesome Writer will face for letting such reason and such rightness hit the airwaves? It could be bodily harm or, worse, being forced to spend hours watching Jason and Spinelli fan videos on YouTube. I wish General Hospital would at least air a disclaimer at the end of the episode. "No Awesome Writers were hurt during the filming of this show", or something. It would really ease my fears.

What has me all twitterpated (this is my current favorite word so, fair warning, you'll be reading it a lot)? Oh, I don't know, the way Jax schooled Carly with FACT, maybe?

(I was going to pick and choose only my favorite lines, but all of them were my favorite. And then I was going to italicize the very best bits, and then all of them wound up italicized. I loved it all. I am also on a sugar high...)

Carly: This is Jasper Jacks, my husband. This is Shawn. He was injured. He's been trying to help save Brenda.
Jax: I'm assuming that this is the same man Sonny tried to interrogate? The same man that works for Theo?
Shawn: I don't work for him anymore.
Jax: I'm supposed to take your word for that? 
Carly: You don't know him.

"See, I DO know him. We go way back to like, two weeks ago. There is literally nothing I don't know about him. Literally. Nothing."

Jax: No, that's right, I don't know him and I don't need to know him. But what I do know is you brought a criminal into our house.

"A-fucking-gain..."

Carly, grasping at straws for something that can make this defensible: He has information that can help us find Brenda.
Jax: Then why isn't he at Sonny or Jason's, huh? Why does it always fall on you to help scum like this?
Shawn: Hey, you need to dial it down, Mr. Jacks. I can see you're not happy with the situation, but that doesn't give you the right to throw around insults.

Yes, "scum" was a low blow. I mean, it IS a four-letter word.

Naptime On The Main Line

Recap day!

Gigi arrives at work to find a drunken John at something-o'clock in the morning.

Kelly is late for work and hopping around on one shoe and wearing some sort of lycra/leather combo skirt. Dorian is onto the fact that Kelly's been getting it on with John McBain.

Aubrey, Joey, and Cutter are having a traditional Main Line breakfast of the wealthy. Cutter pretends that he's working with a charity and therefore doesn't need a job. Will anyone ever question the fact that this "brother and sister" seem to be independently wealthy for no reason?

Matthew takes a look at the newspaper headlines about Eddie Ford's murder still being unsolved as Destiny approached.

Bo and Nora chat on the phone, and Rex shows up to wherever Bo is in Morocco. It's just wherever anyone would first go in Morocco when flying in from the States, naturally. "In a Moroccan prison" apparently just means the one possible place. Bo isn't pleased by Rex's appearance, and the Moroccan Prison Warden tells Bo that David isn't there.

At the Buenos Dias, Clint and Nora chat about Matthew.

Matthew assures Destiny that Darren won't ever hear about their kiss. 

Aubrey boringly tells Cutter he shouldn't hang around at the Buke mansion so much. Cutter suggests she find the flash drive that reveals their con.

Dorian accuses Kelly of having feelings for John. Which... eww. In what way is John appealing at all at this point?

I...I Can't Even Think Of A Pithy Joke About Predictability

Jason: It would help to know what Theo is trying to accomplish. Taking Brenda, blowing up the limo...it's almost like you're his target, not Brenda.
Sonny: You're right. This all started with Theo avenging his son. He's messing with me. He wants a war? I sure as hell will give him one. 

I...am confused. Like, my confusion is at the same level as my marked disinterest.

1. WUT? And also, WHY?
2. Must everything on this show be about Sonny? Seriously? Couldn't this have just been a Brenda story with marginal Sonny involvement? 
3. Is it too much to ask for that this war actually has, you know, consequences for Sonny? It probably is, right? But then what is the point of dealing with an evil criminal mastermind for months if he's not even savvy enough to take out Sonny?!
4. Not that I'm advocating even MORE screentime for Dante, but wouldn't this make way more sense if DANTE was Theo's other target, since he was actually involved in covering up Alexander's murder?
5. I obviously just spent more time writing this brief post than the writers have spent writing this entire storyline. The question is, how much more time? Double the time? Triple the time? Are they even writing, or just having a helper monkey or robot photocopy old scripts for them?

Asshats Of The Day

Oh, I'm in a mood.

"John, you're not going to try to take responsibility for this, too, are you?" Oh, Viki, who do think you're talking to? Of course he's not going to try to take responsibility for this or anything! John doesn't seem to realize his own culpability in Tess coming out even a smidge. Did it ever occur to him that moments after Jessica learning that her child's father was really Ford and not Brody, he forced Natalie to tell her another catastrophic truth while Jessica's entire support network was either involved in the betrayal or running around town dealing with a whole other family crisis? John didn't think maybe the truth could've been revealed to Jess in some safer, more structured environment? He's right that Natalie is responsible for the lies that made Tess emerge, but he's responsible for how the lies were brought to her attention. 

John is an asshat.

The Twist We Never Saw Coming: An Uptick In Quality

I felt profoundly unsettled upon finishing Friday's episode of All My Children--it was kind of enjoyable and not once during the episode did I go through my normal routine of huffing (as in "huffing and puffing", not huffing paint, although I do understand the urge to do the latter during some episodes of AMC) and rolling my eyes and squawking things like "Are you--I can't even!" at my television, a routine that is purely for drama's sake, as I almost always watch AMC by myself. What's that about, people?

I have four theories:

1. Rumors are swirling about AMC's future and they are stressing me out a little bit and, perhaps (?) boosting my fondness for the show, as though I am using "Big Yellow Taxi" as a cautionary tale and making a point of knowing what I've got before it's potentially gone.

2. Reese and her rampant hateability are responsible for a good third of my AMC-related enjoyment in the past couple of years. She is the WORST and mocking her is so much FUN, and Friday's show and her actions, which I can describe only as assed-up and terrible, gave me ample opportunity to point and laugh at her. Plus, she wasn't even on-screen, so it was a win-win.

3. No Krystal, Greenlee or Ryan = awesome.

4. The show was genuinely good.

Let me recap!

We opening with Jackson brooding at Erica's place. She enters, all breathy and charming, and he drops a bombshell: he'd been waiting for her to come home so that he could say goodbye to her in person, as it would be ungentlemanly to move out while she wasn't move.

Over at Krystal's, Bianca is having Mommy & Me time with Miranda and Gabrielle before Reese arrives. Bianca is in an outfit that has led me to believe that she spent her time without a real story having off-screen adventures, one of which led to a run-in with the law that saw her going up against a judge who, in lieu of jail time, sentenced her to wear this thing because I'm sorry, I can't live in a world where a hot rich girl would voluntarily put on an olive green sack and then say, "You know what this needs? A drab, flyaway cardigan and also a belt worn in the most unflattering way".

 

 
Marissa, thankfully, is wearing a cute coat to make up for that eyesore.

 
I'm still not exactly sure how I feel about the new Marissa, although I will give Sarah Glendening credit and admit that she's much less boring than her predecessor. Marissa the character is definitely still dull and also kind of unnecessary, but Glendening at least brings some energy into her scenes. Also? Pretty hair.

Anyway, Marissa finds the news of Reese flying into town to be off-putting and is trying to coax Bianca into expecting the worst-case scenario, but Bianca blithely says that she doesn't want Reese's time in town to be taken up by lawyers. Blissful delusion is definitely a trait that she and Reese had in common. Marissa compares the custody dispute to her issues with JR and Bianca testily tells her that Reese is nothing like JR. Yeah, JR is occasionally entertaining.

Cara and Griffin's overbearing and stereotypical mother walks in on Cara and Jake hugging, leading her to make an expression that will remain plastered on her face for the remainder of episode.

 
When I discuss her following scenes, please remember that face and its judgment and derision.

The Entertainment Is, As Always, Purely Unintentional

I'm not sure this is what the writers were aiming for--actually, that's a poor way to phrase it, because it implies that the General Hospital writing staff is actually aiming for something, when I'm reasonably certain that their writing method is basically "You know what would be awesome? [INSERT SOMETHING THAT IS ACTUALLY NOT AWESOME]. But you know what else would also be awesome? [INSERT SOMETHING THAT IS NOT ONLY NOT AWESOME, BUT TOTALLY CONTRADICTS NOT AWESOME THING #1]. Let's do both, and make sure that Jason and Dante are involved!"

Anyway, I'm sure that the writers would be hugely surprised to hear that I clapped my hands (literally) with glee (GLEE!) twice (twice!) today during GH, and would be even MORE surprised to hear what I was so gleeful about. No, it wasn't Sonny's deafening pledge to find Brenda with no help from the police. And no, it wasn't Abby's sweet-yet-monotone counseling of the latest shitty thing to happen to Michael. And, nope, it wasn't the "shock" and "intrigue" of yet another episode ending with a variety of guns pointed at a variety of heads. And it definitely wasn't Jason's declaration of love curing Sam's temporary deafness. Please read that again: Jason's declaration of love cured Sam's temporary deafness. There is cheesy and ridiculous, and then there is that.

It turns out that, as highfalutin as I pretend to be, I am seriously easy to please and, to walk away from an hour of GH satisfied and smiling, all I need is (1) a character speaking the truth and (2) some hilarious ridiculousness.

Let's start with (1), a character speaking the truth. While Sonny was yelling loudly and...longly

Sonny: As my son, as my best man, who stood by me at my wedding as I vowed to....(more pausing) (another pause) (squints as he tries to read either a cue card or the lips of an anguished bystander mouthing "LOVE AND HONOR. SERIOUSLY, IT'S LOVE AND HONOR!") (Pauses again and thinks "Dove and Connor? That doesn't make a lick of sense")...love and honor for the rest of my life.

Dante was growing more and more frustrated with his father, eventually sharing with Lulu some amazing pieces of wisdom and sense, such as:

Dante: Just when I start to feel for the guy [Despite him SHOOTING YOU IN THE CHEST? --Ed.], I want to lock him up and throw away the key.

And:

Lulu: No mater what I think of Sonny, his kids are always the most important thing to him.
Dante: Yeah, he keeps saying that. Heaven forbid he would actually quit the business and set a decent example.

If Dante is going to eat screentime as though it were a particularly delicious Italian feast cooked by Olivia, the least he could do is make comments like this on the regular.

Then there is (2), ridiculousness.

 
I know that I should be bitter that Jules is a character who exists while people like Jax and Maxie languish somewhere off-screen and unexciting, but: his name is Jules, he works in a cave lair for a man he refers to as Mr. Big, he dreams of being a carnival knife-thrower (it's good to have goals! And how rare is it to encounter someone on this show who doesn't dream of running a crime syndicate?) and when he bumps into someone, he hisses, "Next time: the blade" in the most threatening yet totally not threatening AT ALL voice. Hey, if we're not going to get a well-written show, I have to embrace the camp.

Presented Without Comment

Unless "Oh my GOD, I hate this trifling heifer and every bit of hypocritical, country-fried wisdom that she drawls all high and mighty as if ANYONE is like 'Hey, you know who I want lecturing me on my life and my choices? A skanky babynapper who--oh, right--sold her child!' How the hell is the suicide rate in Pine Valley not much higher because seriously, if I was ever in a position that KRYSTAL was comfortable enough to judge me, I would just END IT ALL" counts as comment.

Krystal: What you are doing is breaking the law and lying to your best friend.

Krystal: You have two choices, Tad: you make them lie or you lie to them. You tell me which one's better.

Yes, Krystal said those words. KRYSTAL. Pretending that she's not totally down with lying and breaking the law. And she wasn't immediately struck down for verbalizing such utter hypocrisy. KRYSTAL CAREY. I KNOW, IT WAS TERRIBLE, HENCE THE ALL CAPS.

Access Llanview?

So...Wendy Williams. "Access Llanview." That happened today. So she guest-starred as the host of a tabloid TV show that served as a framing device for today's episode of One Life to Live, for... I have no idea what purpose. She didn't interact with any of the characters; she just offered up some exposition, but I didn't realize that today was a Very Special Episode for people who haven't watched in six months. I'm all for new viewers but this was just bizarre. And most importantly, where was Charlie Sheen? I thought he was going on all the talk shows from now on.

Well, if I got to host a show about Llanview, here's what I'd have to say to the three viewers:

Before Rex finally told the truth to Bo about where David is, Bo went all Clint on Rex about how David was such a traitor to his family, so they no longer care about him, which... doesn't that seem a bit at odds with his expectation that Clint should forgive him for getting involved with his wife? And should totally accept Rex as his son, despite Rex having tried to con the family in the past? Pick a philosophy, Bukes!

After Rex finally told the truth to Bo about where David is, Rex made some pathetic argument about how he put his own family ahead of Bo's. His living-rent-free girlfriend's tuition -- that's what he put ahead of Bo's family. It's not as if Rex's family's lives were at stake -- but Bo's son's life was and is at stake. I wish Rex had just stated it like is. He put Gigi's college tuition ahead of the life and freedom of Bo's son. 

Thankfully, Bo did not let it go. Today anyway.

Ladies and Gentleman, Your Romantic Hero

You know how I always, ALWAYS complain about how people are seemingly fine with Sonny SHOOTING DANTE IN THE CHEST? And that the way the show ignores this horrible event is ridiculous and angry-making? Well, I'm not normally one to change my mind on a whim, but I am maybe okay with this event being ignored, if this is the alternative:

Sonny, matter-of-factly. Brazenly, even! As if his honesty and ruthlessness are going to win him points. I award you no points, Sonny. The only person awarding you points is Luke and his whole "Having a cop son is a fate worse than anything, ever" was just...ugh: I don't want my kids knowing the ugly things I have to do. The things that are necessary. Dante, he already knows firsthand because I shot him.

I guess SHOOTING DANTE IN THE CHEST is going to work out well for Sonny in the long run. It shows his business enemies that he is so focused and relentless that he is fine with having shot his own child. And it shows his other children that when it comes to rules and discipline, he's not messing around. "Breaking curfew Morgan? Do you know how I feel about breaking curfew? Dante, he already knows firsthand. I shot him".