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« Silver Linings? (or Why Don't The Shooters Ever Have Better Aim?) | Main | Notes For The Midterm Evaluations... »

March 16, 2011

Who's The Lunatic, Anyway?

If I had to describe General Hospital in three--let me revise that. If I had to describe General Hospital in three family-friendly words, I would say: Bitches be crazy.

I know that Bob Guza will read those words (not that I think he reads this blog, but he does seem like the type to have a Google alert for himself. I'm just saying) and assume that, by bitches, I mean "Women" because that is the definition in his world and then he'll crow "Was I right or was I RIGHT?" and start doing an Arsenio Hall "Whoop whoop, whoop!", and I find a lot of things in life to be immensely distasteful, but that is one of the most immensely distasteful things I can envision, so let me be clear: I consider everyone on this show to be a crazy bitch right about now, regardless of gender. Everyone in Port Charles has exhibited a stunning lack of sense that really calls for a mass institutionalization.


Let's start with the first person who comes to mind when you say the word "crazy". Or the words "delusional heifer": Dr. Lisa Niles.

The writing staff has really relished the task of ripping off dialogue from the "Woman Scorned" section of the Lifetime catalogue.

Lisa: Patrick and I have a history longer than he's ever had with Robin. We've had all these great times together. Now he's acting like none of it even existed. How can he do that? How can he just block that from his mind?

Lisa: Well, it's hard to stand by and watch Robin slowly kill the Patrick that I loved...[...]well, sometimes it feels like I don't have a life without Patrick.

Lisa: Ok, I am not the psycho stalker that his wife wants him to believe. Patrick and I are an amazing team. We'll handle the case, do the surgery, then he'll remember all the reasons he wanted to be with me.

Lisa: God, you are so tedious. So when are you going to give this victim thing a rest? Your husband cheated on you. It happens all the time. You need to grow up, get over it and stop blaming me for your inability to keep his interest.

Yes, Greasy Sae (yeah, I just dropped a Hunger Games reference. In a related story, I am a nerd), Robin is the tedious one. You, with the same meager lines of dialogue you've been spouting since JUNE, are the epitome of fresh and exciting and OMFG, this story is never going to end, is it? Robin and Patrick and Lisa will be bickering about deadly syringes when they are residents at Shady Pines. Either that, or the show will get canceled before this story has a proper ending.

So now Johnny, who is inexplicably involved in this story and even MORE inexplicably into Lisa literally and figuratively and I just grossed myself out, is sending Robin and Lisa on a scavenger hunt all around town to find the fabled syringe that...I don't think will be of any use to Robin anyway if she finds it, right? I am not getting how it is airtight proof, but whatever. Two questions:

1. How awesome are his hand-written invitations?

The man is all class. The only thing that could make them even better is if they had been in calligraphy.

2. How the hell did he stroll into all of these places to drop off his clues? Nobody had a problem with him rifling through patient files, or walking into the Chief of Staff's office or blowing past the security Sonny allegedly provides for Carly to go into her house? The hell?

Also, can we talk about that last part for a second? Carly discovers Robin rummaging through her house and Robin tries to explain that it's a life or death situation.

Carly: You need to get out of here.
Robin: Do you think I'd be here if I didn't have to be?
Carly: I don't give a damn! Get out, Robin, or I will throw you out.

Completely out of character. Carly is a gal who loves a good trainwreck and capital-L LOVES when Robin finds herself in a life or death situation, since it means there is a good chance that she could die. I don't buy for a second that she'd kick her out immediately. She'd ask for details first, make a few snarky comments and THEN kick Robin out.


Then there is the Chief of Staff himself: also crazy. And orange.

Yesterday, Patrick is standing in the middle of the hospital ranting at Lisa for being a mentally ill wretch of a human being, Steve gets pissed that Patrick didn't hear his page and then...threatens to fire Robin and Lisa if that happens again. What? "Robin, you were once again observing someone yelling the truth loudly. I am going to have to ask you to leave. Security will escort you out".

And today! Lisa skips out on work, which, obviously, is also Robin's fault. "Robin, how could you not...be...you know...this is on you, Robin!"

Steve: You're not getting this. I changed the game my doctors are going to start acting like doctors. They're going to leave their personal crap out of my hospital or heads are going to roll. If you want your wife to keep her job, you better dust off your refereeing skills.



Carly passing up the opportunity to grill Robin for details of her predicament in order to point and laugh at her was not her only instance of crazy this week, as there was a harebrained scheme to plant stolen jewels on Jax in order to get him to back off on requesting full custody of Joss and Morgan and it was even more implausible and lame than you'd imagine it to be. Two highlights? The look of disdain that remained etched on Jax's face from start to finish and Alexis's line to Agent Bates (...yeah) after being forced to act as attorney for Jax and Luke and Ethan (...yeah):

Alexis: Are you getting the lay of the land? My clients are wackjobs. Do you really want to parade these clowns in front of a crazy judge who will not be amused by their antics?

Preach it, Lex.

We had to sit through every bit of that ridiculosity, from the planning all the way through the execution, but scenes that I actually WANTED to see vanished into the ether. Like, say, the follow up to Lulu's smackdown of Elizabeth.

Elizabeth, see, was not pleased to hear that Siobhan and Lucky are getting married and that Lucky wouldn't be able to take the boys for the night, since there isn't anyone to watch them (Audrey was at her book club at the moment, which is basically the cutest visual ever). She snarked, she rolled her eyes, she let out a big "Oh, I don't think so" when Lucky sarcastically asked if he should bring them to the wedding, and said that she feels uncomfortable with exposing her children to someone who is "using their father to subvert immigration laws".

Then, this:

Elizabeth: You are so caught up in all of this that you can't even see that you are dropkicking your family.

Unfortunately, she had the bad luck of saying that within earshot of Lulu.

Lulu: Oh my god, I'm sorry. Who are you to accuse Lucky of anything? Were you thinking of Cam and Jake when you were screwing his brother every chance you had?

And then? NOTHING. NO follow up. So now I just have to imagine that Lulu and Liz either got into a huge physical fight or bitchfaced each other in stony silence for hours. Lulu could probably take the former, but Liz would trounce her in a bitchface fight.

Also, the less said about Brook Lynn and Elizabeth's fight over Nikolas, the better. I can't think of a less worthy prize, except maybe Spinelli...


The craziest of the crazy? Michael.

Sadly, his obsession with being a part of Sonny's business is very much in character, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. He's been to prison. He's been shot in the freaking head. That should really be all he needs to make a run for it and live at 123 Law-Abiding Citizen Boulevard, but no. He's going behind everyone's back to oversee the arrival of shipments of whatever illicit things Sonny imports and he once again finds himself at gunpoint and if I didn't think it would lead to another three months of people snarling at law enforcement, I'd hope that he gets sent back to jail. But I just don't have it in me to sit through more of that, so we can just hurry up and have Dante sweep the whole thing under the rug like we all know he will...


Am I the only one who noticed that Johnny's handwritten crazy notes were not written by the same person?! I'm surprised I even noticed, given the incredible amount of fast-forwarding I do during this hour of "television," but I did, and now it's my latest pet peeve. This show irks me.

did anyone notice the now crusty syringe is at the haunted star? lol

Hmmm....no comment on the strangest line of the day? When Brenda (it may have been a VM adlib) just randomly asks Sonny to take his shirt off when he is discussing their honeymoon plans. I mean that had no context in the discussion and made absolutely no sense. I rewound it three times just to make sure I heard it right. Does GH even edit and if they do, do they watch the finished product? Are VM and MB just allowed to adlib their scenes and if so do they know the fuckery they are being forced to say and just throw random lines in there to see if they will make it past the cutting room floor? I found it to be so strange and out of place, but I actually thought SnB were all kinds of adorable today.

And Gh, way to have follow up on the Jason and Johnny and CarJax scenes. One minute Jason has a gun to Johnny's head, the next he is skipping around his penthouse gleefully planning his syringe treasure hunt. CarJax have this huge fight and then all we see is Carly with Robin afterwards. I agree about the Liz/Lulu smackdown. I would rather watch that confrontation than watch Michael in James Franco's homeless outfit trying to be "gangsta".
Oh GH, so much hate and so little time. Can't wait til they start the Jake story tomorrow. Sigh.

Well, I'm thinking with what's going to play out over the upcoming days... you will look back and think this particular waste of an hour of your time today...

Wasn't that bad.

Carrie, you mentioned Franco. Has Jason discussed the fact with ANYONE that Franco called him after the car bomb? It's like it never happened.

No, ALC, he has not. There has been no follow up to those scenes! You think after months and months of hearing "Franco", "Franco", "Franco" last year we woulda got some explanation, but no. I believe that *spoiler alert* Franco reaches out to Carly on 3/25, so maybe we will hear something more. I honestly believe Guza is so happy to get JF in the studio that he has him film his scenes, but has no direction for them and just tries to splice them into any/every big event.

Lulu apparently forgot all about breaking up Dillon and Georgie's little "family/marriage" when she rode him on the boathouse floor at the Quartermaine mansion.

Brooklyn is a nasty piece of business and Liz shouldn't even bother being around that "jerk" Nicholas.

Lucky has spent the last seven months playing adventure/mob guy and rarely spends any time with Cake. Liz should have punched Weepie in the face and then socked Screecher in the mouth.

Thank you! I spent the whole of today's episode searching for any kernal of logic I could find. A. why would Johnny just up and decide to give Robin a 50/50 shot at finding this stupid syringe when two episodes back he was calling her a santimoneous witch and threatening the cops on her. Since when did he get so "tired" of the Lisa brand of crazy, because five seconds ago he was telling her how great she is but now he doesn't care which of the girls gets the stupid needle. Because...why?

And, correct me if I'm wrong here, but what the heck re: Lucky, right?? Since when does Mr. Love Ran Me Over With a Mac Truck decide a greencard freaking MARRIAGE would be a great idea, because wasn't marriage this sacred thing to him and weren't the kids supposed to be the most important thing in his life, and isn't Elizabeth making more than a little sense to say it would be straight up confusing to introduce the random Irish chick as the step mom when they barely know each other? He was just "oh, I'm getting married tomorrow, no biggie. The kids will be fine, I have no idea why this would be problematic, and why can't we find a babysitter?" Wha??

I know, I know, it's just the Guza magic at work. But seriously, points A and B were making me scratch my head in confusion today.

You are so spot on with the SCRUBS/Lisa/Johnny debacle. I have doubts that it is ever going to end myself. Is there a petition I can sign somewhere? I miss the days when Patrick and Robin were in a happy bubble with zero airtime. I want it back! And I want Lisa's ass GONE! Go find a shower back in Houston, witch!

I know this is a couple of days old, but when Sonny was frothing at Bernie about finding the Balkan, he said "if i have to sell my soul." Because nothing he's done up till now has cost him his soul?

In order to tell a good story, you have to have someone to root for. Just who in Port Charles would that be?

My Scrubs mantra since Robin came back from Africa has been "I'm waiting for the Fatal part of this story. When does Robin get to drop a house on that nasty deNiles chick to make it happen". My next thing is pod Johnny. Did he happen to stumble across those stupid/crazy pills that his father and sister had?Oh yeah, what is up with the COS always threatening Robin with suspension? Does Robin really need that job? It's so silly. I wouldn't mind watching Robin and Patrick doctoring at PC's Mercy Hospital! But seriously- I'm waiting for the Fatal part of this story. When does Robin get to drop a house on that nasty deNiles chick to make it happen?!

Lulu Rocks! If she had just stood there and said nothing she would've been called disloyal to her brother. I don't care if you're a nasty skank that just rolled out of bed with an entire football team if someone is calling out their family you can be damn sure it would be on no matter what they've done in their past.

I FUCKIN HATE BOB LOSER GUZA!!!!! Why does he hate GH? why does he think that we sad people who still watch this shit hole are stupid? why can't he for ONCE write a GOOD character driven story????? WHY DOES HE STILL HAVE A JOB???????????????? Y??????????????????

Uggh, as a former Liz fan (from waaay back) and as someone who despised Lulu for the Georgie/Dillon debacle, I can't believe what I am about to say. *pauses to make sure I can go through with this*

Lulu was an 18 year old girl at the time. I still HATE what she did there, but at least she has the "excuse" of being young and stupid. The thing I hate most about that situation is her turning herself into a victim in all of it.

Liz is not only guilty of doing the same thing on multiple occasions (Zander anyone?), but is a grown ass woman. She has continued to make morally questionable decisions for years on end now and has the gall to still be self-righteous. If I wrote all the things that Liz is guilty of, I'd be here all night.

Finally a GH related post!

The lack of GH entries was as frustrating as Robin's reaction (i.e. non reaction at all) to Brenda dying in the hospital. Could she seem to look any more uninterested that her best friend was dying there?

Now back to reading.

"Lulu Rocks! If she had just stood there and said nothing she would've been called disloyal to her brother."

She was disloyal to her brother for years and years. The only reason she suddenly cares now is because GH now has the golden boy Lucky back to weep, be a deadbeat dad, and look like a hobo. Unfortunately Julie Marie Berman continues to mistake Ricki Lake guest mannerisms for acting in these scenes, and it comes across less like "loyalty" and more like shrewish, sourfaced waste of airtime.

omg, that last screencap....hilarious!! Michael lololololol!

in other news: love the recap, esp LuLu bitching to Liz, heee

Not that I watch at all regularly but I have a bit of a soft spot for Johnny for some reason and it saddens me that he seems to be legit into Lisa? Why? Did his momma drop him on his head when he was a kid?

Mallory: I <3 The Hunger Games. Who should play Katniss?

(I think this would be a much healthier discussion than anything GH-related!)

Holy Continuity Errors, Batman! I loved how Jason had a gun pointed at Johnny, and then BAM! The apartment is totally empty when Robin and Lisa show up, and then Johnny shows back up at his own apartment. I would also like to point out to Johnny that he should perhaps not leave his apartment wide open for people to just come in. It would, perhaps, decrease the frequency of people showing up and putting guns to his head.

Re: Hunger Games. I have cast the movie in my head already. Haymitch=Robert Downey Jr. Peeta=Alex Pettyfer Gale=Taylor Lautner Prim=Chloe Moretz Snow=Malcolm McDowell Katniss=Hailee Steinfeld

Oh, and to tie things back in, Greasy Sae=Jane Elliot!

Lulu is loyal to her brother? Ummm, didn't she keep a secret from him too? Like a really big one. Oh, those who judge.

JMB needs a role on a sitcom. She's way better at comedy than drama.

Lulu does Rock. JMB does well with everything. I think her 2 emmy's prove that. Liz is just trying to hold on to men who no longer want her. She accused Lucky of drop kicking his family but I guess it was ok for her to do the same. Lulu has done a lot of bad stuff too but Lucky is still her brother so I really don't care about how trashy her haters think she is. In that moment she was defending Lucky.

Emmys mean very little in terms of talent. JMB is a terrible actress most of the time and the show's writing makes her even worse. I don't believe Lulu with her family after the way she has been written over the years, and her own history regarding Lucky and lies make her look like a shrieking hypocrite.

Whatever Carl we can agree to disagree but I'm not gonna get into a pissing contest with you about fictional characters anymore. so please don't respond to me again.

JMB is awful, so is Lulu. Shrewlu is a freaking hypocrite. She screwed a married Dillon so she has no room to talk. While Liz was screwing Nik, she was still taking care of her kids unlike Lucky who's too busy with his Ireland adventures. Lucky isn't thinking about his family and Liz has every right to tell him. Lucky and Shrewlu sure didn't hold back when they were yelling at her last year.

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