Who's The Lunatic, Anyway?
If I had to describe General Hospital in three--let me revise that. If I had to describe General Hospital in three family-friendly words, I would say: Bitches be crazy.
I know that Bob Guza will read those words (not that I think he reads this blog, but he does seem like the type to have a Google alert for himself. I'm just saying) and assume that, by bitches, I mean "Women" because that is the definition in his world and then he'll crow "Was I right or was I RIGHT?" and start doing an Arsenio Hall "Whoop whoop, whoop!", and I find a lot of things in life to be immensely distasteful, but that is one of the most immensely distasteful things I can envision, so let me be clear: I consider everyone on this show to be a crazy bitch right about now, regardless of gender. Everyone in Port Charles has exhibited a stunning lack of sense that really calls for a mass institutionalization.
Let's start with the first person who comes to mind when you say the word "crazy". Or the words "delusional heifer": Dr. Lisa Niles.
Lisa: Patrick and I have a history longer than he's ever had with Robin. We've had all these great times together. Now he's acting like none of it even existed. How can he do that? How can he just block that from his mind?
Lisa: Well, it's hard to stand by and watch Robin slowly kill the Patrick that I loved...[...]well, sometimes it feels like I don't have a life without Patrick.
Lisa: Ok, I am not the psycho stalker that his wife wants him to believe. Patrick and I are an amazing team. We'll handle the case, do the surgery, then he'll remember all the reasons he wanted to be with me.
Lisa: God, you are so tedious. So when are you going to give this victim thing a rest? Your husband cheated on you. It happens all the time. You need to grow up, get over it and stop blaming me for your inability to keep his interest.
Yes, Greasy Sae (yeah, I just dropped a Hunger Games reference. In a related story, I am a nerd), Robin is the tedious one. You, with the same meager lines of dialogue you've been spouting since JUNE, are the epitome of fresh and exciting and OMFG, this story is never going to end, is it? Robin and Patrick and Lisa will be bickering about deadly syringes when they are residents at Shady Pines. Either that, or the show will get canceled before this story has a proper ending.
So now Johnny, who is inexplicably involved in this story and even MORE inexplicably into Lisa literally and figuratively and I just grossed myself out, is sending Robin and Lisa on a scavenger hunt all around town to find the fabled syringe that...I don't think will be of any use to Robin anyway if she finds it, right? I am not getting how it is airtight proof, but whatever. Two questions:
1. How awesome are his hand-written invitations?
2. How the hell did he stroll into all of these places to drop off his clues? Nobody had a problem with him rifling through patient files, or walking into the Chief of Staff's office or blowing past the security Sonny allegedly provides for Carly to go into her house? The hell?
Also, can we talk about that last part for a second? Carly discovers Robin rummaging through her house and Robin tries to explain that it's a life or death situation.
Carly: You need to get out of here.
Robin: Do you think I'd be here if I didn't have to be?
Carly: I don't give a damn! Get out, Robin, or I will throw you out.
Completely out of character. Carly is a gal who loves a good trainwreck and capital-L LOVES when Robin finds herself in a life or death situation, since it means there is a good chance that she could die. I don't buy for a second that she'd kick her out immediately. She'd ask for details first, make a few snarky comments and THEN kick Robin out.
Then there is the Chief of Staff himself: also crazy. And orange.
Yesterday, Patrick is standing in the middle of the hospital ranting at Lisa for being a mentally ill wretch of a human being, Steve gets pissed that Patrick didn't hear his page and then...threatens to fire Robin and Lisa if that happens again. What? "Robin, you were once again observing someone yelling the truth loudly. I am going to have to ask you to leave. Security will escort you out".
And today! Lisa skips out on work, which, obviously, is also Robin's fault. "Robin, how could you not...be...you know...this is on you, Robin!"
Steve: You're not getting this. I changed the game my doctors are going to start acting like doctors. They're going to leave their personal crap out of my hospital or heads are going to roll. If you want your wife to keep her job, you better dust off your refereeing skills.
Carly passing up the opportunity to grill Robin for details of her predicament in order to point and laugh at her was not her only instance of crazy this week, as there was a harebrained scheme to plant stolen jewels on Jax in order to get him to back off on requesting full custody of Joss and Morgan and it was even more implausible and lame than you'd imagine it to be. Two highlights? The look of disdain that remained etched on Jax's face from start to finish and Alexis's line to Agent Bates (...yeah) after being forced to act as attorney for Jax and Luke and Ethan (...yeah):
Alexis: Are you getting the lay of the land? My clients are wackjobs. Do you really want to parade these clowns in front of a crazy judge who will not be amused by their antics?
Preach it, Lex.
We had to sit through every bit of that ridiculosity, from the planning all the way through the execution, but scenes that I actually WANTED to see vanished into the ether. Like, say, the follow up to Lulu's smackdown of Elizabeth.
Elizabeth, see, was not pleased to hear that Siobhan and Lucky are getting married and that Lucky wouldn't be able to take the boys for the night, since there isn't anyone to watch them (Audrey was at her book club at the moment, which is basically the cutest visual ever). She snarked, she rolled her eyes, she let out a big "Oh, I don't think so" when Lucky sarcastically asked if he should bring them to the wedding, and said that she feels uncomfortable with exposing her children to someone who is "using their father to subvert immigration laws".
Elizabeth: You are so caught up in all of this that you can't even see that you are dropkicking your family.
Lulu: Oh my god, I'm sorry. Who are you to accuse Lucky of anything? Were you thinking of Cam and Jake when you were screwing his brother every chance you had?
And then? NOTHING. NO follow up. So now I just have to imagine that Lulu and Liz either got into a huge physical fight or bitchfaced each other in stony silence for hours. Lulu could probably take the former, but Liz would trounce her in a bitchface fight.
Also, the less said about Brook Lynn and Elizabeth's fight over Nikolas, the better. I can't think of a less worthy prize, except maybe Spinelli...
The craziest of the crazy? Michael.
Sadly, his obsession with being a part of Sonny's business is very much in character, but seriously. SERIOUSLY. He's been to prison. He's been shot in the freaking head. That should really be all he needs to make a run for it and live at 123 Law-Abiding Citizen Boulevard, but no. He's going behind everyone's back to oversee the arrival of shipments of whatever illicit things Sonny imports and he once again finds himself at gunpoint and if I didn't think it would lead to another three months of people snarling at law enforcement, I'd hope that he gets sent back to jail. But I just don't have it in me to sit through more of that, so we can just hurry up and have Dante sweep the whole thing under the rug like we all know he will...