Serial Drama

Lennie Briscoe Would Not Stand For This!

I know that murder investigations in Pine Valley are so common that they've lost their mystique and have taken on sort of a casual air, but seriously, I feel like the police should be conducting their conversations with murder suspects in interrogation rooms, not in the middle of the police station joined by a group of pals!

 
Are we solving a murder mystery or trying to come to an agreement on where to order takeout? Somewhere, S. Epatha Merkerson (if she took her Law & Order role even half as seriously as I did) is shaking her head in disgust and she doesn't know why.

I especially like how Griffin could just have private chats with everyone.

 
"Oh, you and Kendall need to talk? Okay. Here, we'll turn our backs and give you some privacy".

Shoddy police work, PVPD! Not that this is breaking news or anything, since every investigation this police force conducts can be described as hopelessly inept, but still!

Oh, they also just let a random reverend hang out at the crime scene. Oh, sure, they objected for a whole half a second, but then shrugged their shoulders as if to say, "Can you add a line about taking back the contamination of this evidence when you're done with your prayer, Rev?"

 
And they didn't even notice how glaringly EVIL said reverend was, but more on that in a minute.

I guess I should back up: Griffin, like every person who has ever stepped foot in Pine Valley, is suspected of murder.

Specifically, the murder of the evil Diana, who was killed by the equally evil Ricky, who did a pretty impressive job of framing Griffin.  
Although, considering the police force he's dealing with, maybe it's not so impressive after all.

If I'm This Easy To Please, Why Do They Please Me So Rarely?

Okay, so "please" is a bit of an overstatement, but truly, today's General Hospital did not make me rage-y! Probably because I fast-forwarded through most of it (and, frankly, the parts I fast-forwarded through looked positively DREADFUL: so much Abby and Michael and Kristina being played by Lisa. She should at least be savvy to recognize what Lisa is!). And mostly because it introduced us to the unfortunately (though, eyeroll, meaningfully) named Lucian who is ALL SORTS OF FREAKING CUTE.

 
He is as precious as precious can be.

You may be wondering--probably not, because they've been dropping anvil-sized "hints" about it for ages but, just in--who Lucian is. He's the son Brenda thought she miscarried and, judging by his dark hair and eyes, is truly her son with Alexander and not the secret Jacks baby I had been hoping for (call me a crazed 'shipper if you must but seriously, how amazing would it have been for Brenda and Jax to have had a child? CRAZY AMAZING is the only acceptable answer to that question. Imagine the storyline potential! Imagine Carly's head literally bursting with rage and jealousy! I love the GH that plays in my head). Adrienne Barbeau dropped him off at Sonny's today in a series of bizarre scenes where she basically said, "I stole your child and lied to you for years, but Theo was way crazy. So if you really gave this some serious thought, you'd be thanking me for this."

Brenda was, as you'd imagine, enraged and confused and Sonny was both fiercely protective of and obviously concerned for Brenda, and can I just say? Maurice Benard was spot-on today. I am surprised as anybody that I just typed those words in that order, but he was great and was especially so in the moment where he interacted with Lucian. He does some of his best work with children and I seriously believe that if the writers ever wanted to redeem Sonny, all they'd need to do is have him interact only with the children of Port Charles and I'd be on board. Or I'd be on board if they managed to pull it off in a way that seems a little less creepy and Pied Piper than that sentence reads to me, but I suppose it's a moot point since the writers don't think Sonny NEEDS redemption.

I will say that it's a bit...concerning that they didn't immediately hightail it to a lab to have a DNA test done. I know it was late (I think? I can never tell what time it's supposed to be on this show, especially since it has a habit of changing from scene to scene) but Sonny has been a part of so many paternity scandals over the years that I'd think a lab would bend over backwards for their best customer!

The Tale of The Poor, Persecuted Hitman

Really, Sam? REALLY? We're just going to ignore the giant Glock in the room?

Sam: Why do the police always suspect Jason first?

Because he is an actual factual murderer? Because he has spent the past decade and a half pledging to do whatever it takes to protect Michael (who has really stopped deserving such a level of seflessness on account of his horrible life choices, but that's a rant for another time. And since I'm already foreshadowing a larger rant, let me ask you this: the story about Brandon's death is going to last about ten times longer than Jake's, isn't it?) and has, in fact, killed on Michael's behalf before? Because it's a contractual obligation that Jason be a part of every single story on this show? Should I keep going on or have I made my point, and in case I haven't, that point was DUH.

 

Tuesday's Gift

No lie, I am on a One Life to Live high today. I thought this was the third good episode in a row. What? No, seriously. The well-timed Roger Howarth news came right as Tomas showed up again with a photo of Howarth's Todd and a few (ostensibly) throw-away lines about the face-changing surgery Todd had once gotten. I don't read spoilers but sometimes these things are telegraphed from a country mile away, but quite frankly I'm delighted that I have no idea where any of this is going. Add that to the Echo/Charlie reveal, the revelation of Matthew as Eddie's shooter, and the high gear of the bullying story (and it finally bringing in most of the adults), and this is a really strong showing for our perpetually-on-the-verge-of-cancellation show. 

Monday crushed me. Watching Viki get her heart broken is like watching my TV mom's heart get broken. Or it is watching my TV mom's heart get broken. And sweet mercy -- Slezak's still got it. In spades. She gave me chills in her confrontation with Echo and Charlie yesterday. Today I was worried for Viki because she seemed to be looking at Charlie as some poor victim (and buying into his horrific argument that somehow sleeping around on his wife was, at the very least, better than taking a drink!), blaming Echo entirely and feeling bad that she expects too much of him or some sort of bullshit, but then she got crushed all over again when he confessed he has legitimate feelings for Echo. Erika Slezak ran the gamut from rage to disgust to humiliation to devastation and back again. I wanted to give her a big fat hug.

Another performance worth singling out was Kassie DePaiva's. She hit every note of Blair's horror and disappointment at what her son has turned into before her very eyes. In particular, after Jack's comment about how Marty was probably asking to be gang-raped and she slapped him (and while I'm never in favor of hitting one's kids, that took a crap-ton of restraint on Blair's part to only slap him), when she was shocked at what she'd done while not losing any of her anger but added the fear for her boy on top of that. I might add that Andrew Trischitta stepped it up in that scene as well -- and I hope it signaled to the writers that youngsters are better trained opposite experienced actors because they have no choice but to elevate their effort. (Also, holy shit! I can't believe Jack said that!) Here's hoping that scenes like this that really attack the meat of the matter keep coming.

Whoa.

Well, folks, I'm at a loss for words. Wait, here's a few. By now many of you have probably heard the rather enormous news that Roger Howarth (i.e., the original Todd) is returning to One Life to Live. Wow. I admit I did not anticipate that this would ever really happen. I thought we were all just supposed to be in a massive state of anxiety right now since we keep being told that cancellation is imminent! And hey, it may still be. Bringing Howarth back and somehow explaining the Todd we've known for several years would be a pretty monster farewell story, but I'm not going to muck around in the worst case scenario here.

I don't really even know how I feel about this. I think Roger Howarth and Trevor St. John are both highly talented actors (and I might add I have a lot of respect for their non-soap work in particular), but also that they both can have a tendency to telegraph their own boredom or frustration in their acting. This could very well light a fire under both of them, and of course I'm dying to see how they're going to play this. I hate the character Todd right now, of course, but he was once a fascinating character study. Never a great, swell fellow. But fascinating as a fictional individual. We don't even know at this point if he is coming back as The Original Todd Manning, so I shouldn't go too crazy with speculation. But they definitely have my attention.

If he's really Todd, I sure hope he's had a bird to confide in during his time away.

What's everyone else thinking? Am I the only dope that's shocked here?

The Kid Is All Right

Perhaps it's because I have younger brothers, years of babysitting experience and the bad luck to almost always wind up in line at Target behind toddlers in the midst of a meltdown, but I never considered a child having a prolonged temper tantrum to be the very definition of a good time.

Boy, was I wrong! It turns out that temper tantrums can be hilarious, especially when the child in question is Emma Lavery and the meltdown is spurred by her complete and utter disgust with Ryan and Greenlee's "great romance".

 
Emma: Get out of my way!
Greenlee: Listen, listen. We're gonna have a great time together today. I have that lemonade that you like, and I have tons of Fusion samples--body lotion and that lip gloss you like.
Emma: I don't want your stupid makeup. I want Mommy!
Greenlee: Ok. You can't see her. Emma, Emma, don't do that. Emma, stop.
Emma: Let go of me.
Greenlee: Ok. Listen. Take it easy, ok? Just take it easy. It's ok.
Emma: You don't want me to see Mommy.
Greenlee: That's not true.
Emma: Yes, it is. She said you broke up our family.
Greenlee: What? No.
Emma: You took Daddy away from her, and now you're trying to take me.
Greenlee: Listen. I would never, ever try to come between you and your mommy. You love her, and she loves you.
Emma: I hope Daddy finds out what a horrible person you are and leaves you forever.

Emma: I don't want you here.

This is the epitome of Must-See TV! I know I am getting ahead of myself here, but I can't help but imagine how amazing it would be if the great Rylee villain were vanquished once and for all by an elementary schooler.

I'm sure this won't last for long and that Emma will eventually be subdued, and she and Ryan and Greenlee and Madison's baby (because you know at some point Madison will do something to irk Ryan and he'll retaliate by taking custody) will be one big happy family, wearing matching t-shirts and frolicking around Pine Valley, blinding the rest of the town with their smugness, but for now? Capital L L-O-V-E.

Interview With a Show-Killer

Despite the fact that the headwriters and executive producers of at least two ABC soap operas have demonstrated a staggering inability to speak to the press without offending...everybody, ABC Daytime hasn't imposed a gag order preventing them from giving interviews. I guess the folks in charge of ABC Daytime have more important things on their minds, like possibly cancelling All My Children AND One Life to Live in order to make room for a reality show and a talk show hosted by Tori Spelling, which makes me so livid that I can't even compose an eloquent rant about it. It upsets me, so I am just going to put it out of my mind and focus on the thing I started writing about: Bob Guza's habit of sticking his foot in his mouth every time he speaks to the press.

Speaking to TV Guide Magazine's Michael Logan about current and upcoming stories (so there are some spoilers, for those of you who want to be surprised by the show. Unfortunately, the plot twists have been telegraphed so obviously and in neon that it's nothing you haven't guessed already), Bob Guza said things that made little to no sense.

TV Guide Magazine: Why so many kid stories right now? [...]
Guza: It's this whole notion of the sins of the fathers in its many, many forms. Some of our characters have gotten away with an enormous amount for a long time. Our heroes are bad guys. They're criminals. They are certainly haunted by what they do but now we're showing them the consequences of their actions. We want to show the ramifications as their legacies are passed on.

Our heroes are bad guys, but not as bad as, like, EVIL guys. They're criminals, but they're not criminals. Okay. I am glad that we've finally got that out in the open. So here's my question: why are viewers the ones being punished for the sins of the father? How is that fair?!

TV Guide Magazine: Jake's death and the organ transplant that saved Josslyn struck many viewers as a replay — if not a downright rip-off — of Claire Labine's great death of B.J. story in the '90s. What's your comment?
Guza: We absolutely thought about that, and it was a very real concern for all of us.  But that was a long, long time ago and, more importantly, we found a way to do a big variation on it. If the rollout couldn't be different there was no point, because Claire did the story magnificently.

But...I thought that Stone's death was, and I quote but cannot put as much derision into my voice as I assume was in Guza's when he first made this statement, "all that [Claire Labine] had". So now he's admitting that her stories are totally worth ripping off and making substantially worse. I guess that's one way of giving her her due.

Also: WHAT THE HELL WAS THE "BIG VARIATION"? Because the only new aspects I'm seeing are the focus on Jason and Carly and the comically/tragically inept pacing.

 A few more (SPOILERY!) answers after the jump!

As Subtle As a Sledgehammer

All My Children has never been known for its grasp on subtlety; whenever there's a situation where the audience knows a secret while a character is in the dark, the writing goes absurdly over-the-top marveling at their own cleverness. Like with Ricky: whenever he's onscreen, you can hear the writers elbowing you. "HAHAHA! Watch this--he's SO BAD, but people think he's GOOD! Oh, my, are we a bunch of cards or what?"

The writers are treating Angie and Jesse's baby-switch with similar amounts of nuance (like...none). For the most part, I do have to say that this story has had me glued to the past couple of episodes. I was appalled when I first heard about it and I think it's very dark and depressing, but I can't deny that it's compelling. And Darnell Williams has just been a revelation, with the terror and the desperation and the crushing pressure of bearing this big secret and knowing what will happen if the truth is uncovered. If the Emmys meant anything, I'd start campaigning for him now!

But. BUT!

• Ellie? Ellie? Jesse, I heard our daughter. I heard her crying. Mommy's here.
• But I know God would've never taken her away from us. Never, because he knew how much we needed her, how much we wanted her. Right? Right, my precious? Oh, it's ok. It's ok, sweetheart. Mommy's here. Oh, Mommy's here. Mommy's here, sweetheart.
• Please, Ellie, it's Mommy. It's Mommy.
• Ellie, it's ok! It's ok! Mommy's right here!
• Baby's got strength. Our baby. Shh. Mommy's here. Mommy's here.
• Can I tell you a secret? Mommy was scared, so scared.
• Is someone calling for Mommy? Does she know I'm right here?
• But I know God would've never taken her away from us. Never, because he knew how much we needed her, how much we wanted her. Right? Right, my precious? Oh, it's ok. It's ok, sweetheart. Mommy's here. Oh, Mommy's here. Mommy's here, sweetheart.
• Jesse? Jesse, the baby. Mommy's coming. Hold on, sweet pea. Mommy's coming. Hold on, baby. Mommy's coming. See? Mommy found you all by herself. Yes, she did! Yes, she did. Mommy got you. It's ok.
• Mommy loves you.

Good lord. I don't know how much more I can take of the "Mommy's here" and the vision of the writers saying "GET IT? Because that's not Angie's baby!" and giving each other gleeful high-fives before I just lose it.

Also? Did you know that Griffin SAVES LIVES?!?!?! I'm sure you did, since you remembered that he's a doctor and that's what doctors do, but the writers clearly have no faith that you're able to retain that information.

• Cara: Griff -- he saved Kendall's life.
• Kendall: Is there anything you wouldn't do to save lives?
• Kendall: You are a globetrotting doctor who saves lives.
• Kendall: You've pulled people out of trenches. You save lives.

On the bright side, at least the actors don't have to learn many lines...

Then there is some BIG news, courtesy ABC Soaps In Depth: All My Children is not being canceled (for now, at any rate, which is maybe a Debbie Downer thing to note in the midst of what was intended to be a celebratory opening sentence) and. AND! Lorraine Broderick is going to be the new headwriter! That's exciting, right? Her stint as interim headwriter showed us that she is an innovative thinker, willing to try bizarre things like "drawing on history" and "writing true to character", so it's possible that we could soon see a sorely needed uptick in quality. Let's all flail our hands excitedly to celebrate and ignore the fact that the past few writing regimes were even worse than their predecessors (well, almost always--nothing and nobody could ever be worse than Charles Pratt)!

Quick! Start A Fund-Raising Drive For The Llanview Public School District!

Call me crazy, but Friday's One Life to Live really kicked things up a notch and got me way back into this show. I still couldn't possibly care less about Deanna and her almost-foray into porn (from which she was rescued by James, of course) and am hoping in vain that this means the end of that little subplot (except that for some reason the porn guy apparently wants to make her sorry she quit, which... I mean, isn't this a legal adult film? Can't he just hire another freaking actress? Why is this porn director so preoccupied with recruiting performers from the unwilling?). But the Nora/Bo/Clint business and the Echo/Charlie/Viki triangle and the bullying storyline all went into high gear and, for the most part, it was some damn good soap and I'm eager for Monday's episode.

I doubt that they'll really bring Viki into the bullying storyline, but it was a nice touch having her "accidentally" walk into the middle of it by stopping by the carriage house and seeing Shane, who was home dealing with the trauma of how he'd just been humiliated at school. I was always a little uncomfortable with Austin Williams as an actor because of this squinting thing he does right before "meaningful" lines, and he's still doing it but for some reason it's working in this story. He's awkward, and now it's more like, "Of course he's awkward!"

Meanwhile, back at the high school, we learned that the Llanview Public School system is severely under-funded. Is no one paying taxes in this town? I'd like to start a fundraising campaign because, really, my heart goes out those schools and their inability to hire any staff. It was one thing the day prior when, over the course of what was really only a few minutes, a large group of kids got together to publicly humiliate Shane in the school gym. I find it somewhat implausible that there would be no adults present but, as I said, it was really only a few minutes. However, immediately afterwards? Three people who are neither students nor employees at the school just walked straight into the gym to have a lengthy confrontation about what had transpired, complete with yelling and screaming and physical altercations. And no one noticed. Wouldn't Starr, Gigi, and Rex have had to sign in and get a pass to even enter the school? And then Rex started basically throwing Jack around and even made a move to punch him -- and by the way, this all happened before Rex learned what had just gone down. All he knew about at that point was the MyFace comments (why is Shane MyFace friends with Jack, may I ask? And why does he not delete his comments? I guess MyFace really isn't like Facebook.) And Starr and Gigi screamed and screamed and, still, no teacher or custodian or guidance counselor in sight. 

Well, of course no one was there who worked at the school. Had there been, Rex would've been arrested. Then again, maybe Rex thought all of this out in advance and rationally concluded that the best way to communicate with Jack would be to speak Jack's father's language which is, of course, bullying and physically threatening teenagers. It's a good thing no one was there because Rex and Gigi totally couldn't get away with misbehaving at the high school using the typical Llanviewite method (offering up a giant donation to the school, which it could clearly use) since, and I don't know if you guys know this but, Rex and Gigi are, like, totally poor, you guys.

Tell Me, Is It Helping?

It's a sincere question. As much as I chide this show, there are no words for how hard it would hit me if it were canceled. So if they can come up with casting stunts or cameos or storyline ideas that are flashy enough to get publicity and ratings, I'm fine with that. Whatever keeps the show on the air is fine with me as long as it doesn't come at the expense of, you know, THE SHOW. Because my interest is not in keeping some sort of scripted television called One Life to Live on the air on ABC at 2pm EST every weekday, regardless of what the actual content is. I'm afraid some bizarre rotating-cast Swan's Crossing/Fifteen hybrid, just with less rehearsal and far more episodes, is not worth saving. Not to me. If some component has to be in that vein, I'll give 'em 50/50. If we get 50% awesome OLTL, I'll take 50% crap OLTL. My fast-forward button works just fine. In my 50% we'll have:

And maybe a little:

 

And some:

And in addition, maybe some Nora and Natalie and Blair and Dorian and Marty (oh yeah, oops!) and Roxy.

But I have a few questions about the other half, because in order to find it acceptable, it actually needs to be helping. And is it?

First of all, yesterday we were subjected to an entire storyline that involved one character we don't know (Deanna) being talked into something by another character we don't know (does this dude have a name? I can only be certain whatever his name is, it's never followed by the phrase "portrayed by a Juilliard Drama graduate").

 
 

Inexplicably, our "way in" to this storyline between strangers has been Rex, who the porn producer (unfathomably) is obsessed with getting to star in his adult film. Rex walked by yesterday and had an entire conversation with this porn producer while never making eye contact. Is Rex worried that porn is contagious?