Port Charles, The Land of Unanswered Questions
Sometimes...no, often. No, always! Always, I get the sense that no matter what story Bob Guza spins about his OCD, uber-planned white board, the General Hospital writers don't give one second of thought to anything after they write a single line of dialogue.
GENERAL HOSPITAL WRITER 1: Uh, why is Lisa drugging Kristina?
GENERAL HOSPITAL WRITER 2: Why not?
GENERAL HOSPITAL WRITER 1: Good point! Oh, look over there, it's SHINY!
Continuity? Coherence? Not even on their radar, which leads to episodes like the past few we've sat through, where we don't even have a chance to fully formulate a question to express our befuddlement with some backwards plot point before ANOTHER backwards plot point waltzes up, all poorly conceived and ridiculous. And before I can ask what the hell that's all about, the FIRST backwards plot point is completely contradicted in an especially half-assed way.
That's a roundabout way of saying that I have questions...
- So, yesterday, when Carly confronted Johnny about recruiting Michael to be part of the Zacchara organization and she promised that she'd do anything to make sure that didn't happen, the music got all seductive-like, right? It's completely in character for Carly to feel that she's an irresistible prize and that offering herself will immediately get any man to do her bidding, but still: odd.
- And why was there no follow-up with that today?! I want to know if Johnny (A) laughed her out of his penthouse (B) took her up on her offer, reasoning "Hey, I'm already boning one deranged blonde, why not try another?" or (C) contemplated taking her up on her offer but got too annoyed with her screeching and kicked her out.
Patrick: I don't think I should talk to you about this.
Sam: Really? You can talk to me about anything.
"Do you not remember when we bought this best friends necklace, Patrick? I took the ST ENDS half!"
- It's not surprising, exactly, that Robin is taking most of the blame for Patrick's infidelity, but still, I have to ask: What the hell, and also, why is this show so committed to being offensive?
Elizabeth: I'm sorry for the pain I've caused. I've hurt so many people, and I just don't know how to stop.
WAY TO STOP CAUSING PAIN #1: Be honest and tell the huge, life-altering secret you've been holding on to.
WAY TO STOP CAUSING PAIN #2: See #1
- Is it weird that I covet most of Kristina's wardrobe? Her cardigan yesterday had me squealing.
Now when people ask about my fashion role models, I'll have to say "Kate Middleton and also, a girl on a soap opera who is about ten years younger and four feet shorter than me".
- Did anybody else's skin crawl with secondhand embarrassment when Kristina asked Ethan to prom? It was horrible. I couldn't watch, but I also couldn't look away.
- And really, though, why is Lisa drugging her?
- And were we supposed to giggle and say, "Oh, Johnny and Lisa and their shenanigans!" today?
Johnny: Because I would have walked in here with you ransacking the place and probably slipping a little something something in this bubbly.
Lisa, touched: Aww, you know me so well!
Uh, because I wasn't giggling at the woman who is drugging a teenager admitting that it's right up her alley to drug people.
- Am I the only one who clapped with delight at the sight of Anthony Zacchara and Bruce Weitz's amazing, wonderful mugging?
Anthony, on Johnny: He's a little slow but what am i going to do i have to leave he farm to somebody.
The other day, I was watching the Lifetime Movie Network while I was folding laundry, as I often do (recapping Lifetime movies in one or two seconds, while referring to the actors by the names of their most famous characters, is one of my favorite things to do. Try it! Watch, No One Would Tell: Kevin Arnold--spoiler!--kills DJ Tanner. Also, one of the Mamas of the Mamas and the Papas is in it, and suspicious) and the particularly disturbing A Cry for Help: The Tracy Thurman Story was on, featuring Bruce Weitz as a crusading attorney! I kept expecting (and hoping for; the movie really needed some levity) for him to go on a comedic rant, but alas. The point is: I adore this man.
- Because how could I not adore someone who calls Fat-Headed Joss a beautiful child?!
- When Sonny was talking to Abby, I was...well, I was first distracted by wondering how long it would take for him to eventually bed her, but then, I was struck by this line of dialogue: "You need to understand something..." I wonder if that was the first time Sonny has gotten to speak those words to someone?! And by the blank-eyed stare on Abby's face he got in response, I'm guessing that she didn't even understand that five-word sentence, let alone the Zacchara/Corinthos backstory that followed.
- So, Carly wants Jax to take Michael on a month-long yacht race? Is, you know...school just an optional thing?
- Who did Awesome Writer bribe for the privilege of writing this beautiful exchange?
Carly: Sonny's life is the last thing I want for Michael.
Jax: Well, you should have thought of that a long time ago.
Jax: I tried to tell you, but you wouldn't listen to me. I can't help Michael, but maybe now you can understand why I'm trying, why I'm fighting to keep Josslyn with me.
However much it cost him/her, it was totally worth it.
- Ugh, Molly. Oh, that wasn't a question. Let me rephrase: Ugh, why is Molly?
- Why are Jax and Alexis not on everyday, being awesome and hilarious?
Jax: Sonny and Jason have always been front and center with Carly. That's probably why our marriage failed.
Alexis: And you're just realizing this now?! Never mind, that's completely unproductive.
Actually, I know the answer to that, and the answer is "Because they usually keep Awesome Writer locked in a cage. Also, because Bob Guza hates joy."
- What does it say about the writing for Michael that this is the most effusive compliment his own father could come up with? It says A LOT and none of it is good.
Sonny: He's one of the most, you know...[long pause] the...strongest people I know.
That's basically on par with "He's, you know...all right, I guess. Average, pretty much".
Carly: I know you're the biggest person in [Michael's] life.
I'm glad that she's capable of cracking jokes in the midst of a crisis!
- Lastly--how AMAZING was Carly's face when Molly mentioned Brenda's "little boy"?
VERY AMAZING, but not AS amazing as Sonny's look of complete glee in response.
"I can see brain matter leaking from your ears! Best birthday ever!"