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« Lennie Briscoe Would Not Stand For This! | Main | All Good Things Must Come to an End, or at Least a Semi-End (Yes, Semi-End is a Word Now) »

April 12, 2011

Say What Now?

Monday's One Life to Live certainly provided us with some fascinating dialogue, despite not even checking in with any of the most interesting storylines currently in play (Viki/Charlie/Echo, the Matthew-shot-Eddie reveal, the bullying story). I'm not one to be ungrateful, so I will give thanks for (a) the absence of the "James rescues his ex from a life of legal adult films" plot and (b) the following lines that offer so much to rage at, celebrate, and laugh at:


Oh, Natalie. Natalie, Natalie, Natalie. I love her dearly and hope yesterday was actually a move in the right direction of becoming a little less delusional and... I mean I get that she's in pain and it's clouding her thinking, but honestly? If she thought John would happily be with her and raise another man's baby, then she never would have lied to him in the first place. Her shock and indignation in the aftermath have been a little difficult to swallow and, frankly, it's giving John McBain more to play uber-douche off of, which drives me crazy. Admittedly, I prefer John all bitchy and bitter like this as it's worlds more entertaining than dull, brooding, and saintly, but...

Natalie: Liam doesn't care about DNA!

Translation: John, even Liam is morally superior to you! He totally understands how science and biology work and I've given him a heads-up about the whole paternity situation, and he's totally still on board with you as daddy! So come on home!

I really have no idea why that argument didn't totally change John's mind.

And then....

Natalie: He wants two parents that love each other and that love him!

Translation: Liam is so the biggest Jolie 'shipper in town. You don't even know. He is seriously invested in our relationship status. He told me he wants us both in his MyFace "family." He may have me and Brody, two parents who totally love him, but he is seriously opposed to being raised in a broken home. He's only interested in a different set of two parents and they have to be in a relationship or else his life is ruined! I suppose I could tell you that you do seem to still be attached to Liam and suggest that we maybe work out some arrangement where you still get to spend time with him, but that really only works for me if you take me back. Package deal! YOU ARE BEING SO UNREASONABLE, IT WAS SUCH A TINY LIE! YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE SECRETLY WISTFUL ABOUT IT! YOU'RE SO OVERREACTING TO THE FACT THAT I WAS PLANNING TO PASS OFF ANOTHER MAN'S BABY AS YOURS FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE! Sheesh.

Natalie: You're either Liam's father or you're not.

Hey, Nat? I think he went with Option B. Like a while back.

And look. The oh-so-subtle hints of late have made it pretty clear that Marty actually switched the tests and that John is really the father (oh, joy), but according to the information they all have right now? Brody is Liam's father. Brody has stepped up and is very much involved. There are two parents. Is Natalie's desire that Brody just drop out of the picture and Liam calls John daddy because at one time it was what she and John wanted? I don't even get how she thinks that arrangment would work.

I'm also clueless as to what John meant yesterday about how he keeps trying to go "resolve" this situation. Ass. I'm pretty sure he resolved it when he told Natalie they were done. If he wants to have some relationship with Liam regardless, he has made absolutely no indications that this is so. I am seriously dreading the big reveal we obviously have coming because (a) it doesn't change anything about Natalie/John even though we all know it will and (b) poor Brody.

Meanwhile over at Serenity Springs, Ford walked in on Cutter and Tess fooling around and told Cutter to back off and...

Ford: Unless you want me to go tell Joey that you've been messing with his mentally ill sister again!

So, let me get this straight, Ford. You think messing with mentally ill women is wrong? I'm just making sure. Because, you know, I think it's wrong. But doing it? IS YOUR PURPOSE ON THIS SHOW.

I guess he should have clarified that he just thinks other people messing with mentally ill women is wrong, but when he does it? IT'S FOR HIS SONNNNN!

And then finally over at Statesville Correctional Facility, when Rama asked her husband Vimal if he'd found any friends or anyone to talk to in prison...

Vimal: Some have tried, but I don't think they have my best interests at heart.

Tiny, innocent, boyish Vimal. In prison. I'd say he's drawing the right conclusions. I mean come on, I saw Oz.


Ford made me laugh yesterday from his hypocrisy. He and Cutter are such disgusting characters. I don't get why the writers seem to like them more than Brody, the only stand up guy involved in the whole Tess/Ford/Cutter and Natalie/John mess.

What makes this whole Tess storyline so frustrating is it wouldn't take much make it soapy-good. All it would require is modicum of sense and apparently the writers left theirs at home. Stop trying to make me stop watching you, Show!

So I guess that now Fudd is an expert in DID? Did he learn all that during his breaks at Weenie World? And speaking of Weenie World,did you catch that riveting "he said she said" between Kelly and that Rex wannabe Joey?? The guy is making a big mistake taking his acting cues from JPL. He did everything but stamp his feet and go LA LA LA really loud.

Gnat, Gnat, Gnat....yesterday was bad enough, but did you all catch Gnat flashing Brody when she was breastfeeding last week? It wasn't enough that he saw her Kwakers, so then she had to open her robe and make him take a longer gander. Gnat has single-handedly set breast feeding back at least 50 years.

All it made me think of was the soft ice cream machines at the Dairy Queen and 7-11. The woman is about as sexy as the Bride of Chucky.

Vicki needs to check and see if the hospital gave her the real kids. Other than Kevin, and Jessica on occasion, these dopes do not seem like they're related to her at all. I think they're on the wrong show. Gnat, in particular, seems more like a Kwak Carey spawn than a Buchanan/Lord.

Oh I was so hoping you would highlight Ford's raging hypocrisy yesterday and my wish came true! I seriously can't believe Show had him accuse someone else of mistreating a mentally ill woman when he's been doing just that for months!

Awww...Vimal. He should try being friends with Sky!

In other news, it's been a year to the day since Kish last aired. SOB!

I miss Kish, Sierra Mist, Schuyler, Kim and Rachel.

Ford is a douche.

John is an even bigger douche.

Natalie? Shut the heck up! Ugh. Let McBore stew and sex up Kelly. Go to work and take care of that sweet little baby and flash Brody every day to remind him that "Le Moan" sex was hotter than a 1,000 suns!

My beef with Ford and the writing is that even though none of the characters have mentioned it, Jess/Tess has another child. Her name is Bree and she was conceived by Tess and Nash. She has spent no time with her mother or her baby brother Ryder and it's because Ford wants to fight for "his son"? So I'm supposed to maybe root a little bit for the creep. Nope. Not going to do it. Poor little Bree. She's probably upstairs trying on different personality's because we can bet she will develop DID with the neglect she has had. WTH are they doing with Natalie? Maybe she's unhinged because of post partum depression that just hasn't been discovered yet. A cranky John is kind of fun. Well, maybe fun is going too far. Less un-fun than a mopey John.

I totally agree Ariel! I keep saying to my television.. "Where is Bree? Why doesn't anyone ask Ford what he thinks about Bree and how she feels about what he is doing to her mommy?"

Also.. Inez is pretty much raising Ryder at this point. Ford isn't even taking care of his baby. He's at the gym.. seriously? You have a new baby at home and you are at the gym? When is he ever home to take care of Ryder? We never see them together!

The only good part of this mess was Cutter telling Ford to shut the f*ck up or he would tell the judge what a big lying ass he is. I hope Cutter and Tess destroy Ford before Jessica finally gets strong enough to come back.

Hello, Natalie. TAKE ANOTHER DNA TEST. Seriously, in this town, you think the first thing someone would do is re-test. If not because of the original mess-up, let's talk history. Remember your cousin Matthew, who thought for years that Rappascum (per Asa) was his father. Still not sure why anyone uses that lab. Send the test out of town, FAR out of town.

And kill me now with Ford. Where does he find all this time to work out? Playing a hotdog can't pay all that much - it must barely cover the monthly dues at the Serenity Springs gym. And if he's doing this all for his son, why isn't he WITH his son.....

Ariel, I'm already trying to decide what rhyming-names I prefer for Bree's inevitable alters. Leigh, DeeDee, Bee/Beatrice?

Bourgeois Nerd, don't forget Ryder's alters: Mustang, Camero, and other car names. Living with Ford and Tess is obviously going to make him want to dissociate from reality to protect himself.

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