Serial Drama

Families Worth Rooting For (And Others)

I'd say I don't care about Jessica anymore (especially in light of her alter's sudden "feelings" for Ford) but Viki and Clint's concern makes me care. They break my heart. Clint breaking while he told Joey to never be like him? Oh, Weezie's easily-won-over, forgiving heart (and for real, ask anyone, if you feel bad about something for about one-third of a second I'll pretty much forgive you for anything if I ever enjoyed you; it's... not a strength, probably). Jerry verDorn playing Clint's rejection of Rex as something closer to trying to "save" Rex from becoming just like him? Yep, I love me some Lord-Buchanans and all their many flaws and strengths and heinous crimes and acts of love. I'm easy. With them.

From the cold open I thought we were given the great gift of a Ford-free Tuesday, but alas, we got possibly the worst day yet of the Ford Redemption Tour 2011. We had Ford having flashbacks to when Tess was heartbreakingly carted off to the Funny Farm, where she belongs and where Jessica needs to be to get help and to be there for her (AND FORD'S) son. (Do people still call it the Funny Farm anymore? Let me get my spectacles and look it up on my mantle's dictionary -- it's right next to my gramophone.) Oh, my heart bleeds for Ford having to deal with the mother of his child actually getting treatment so she can be there for her infant. Because remember, Ford and Tess totally bonded. Their love is really one for the ages. It's so forbidden because it's between a whiny asshole sexual predator and a symptom of a mental disorder -- hot, forbidden love! I swoon. How romantic. My greatest fantasy.

And then Ford continued being our heroic champion by eavesdropping on Shane's conversation with his mother about his suicide attempt (in fairness, Shane was having this conversation in public) and then going over and telling Shane he knows just how he feels. Apparently Ford was awkward and gangly and poorly-dressed in high school and got mocked? Oh yeah, he's got all the classic symptoms of a high school misfit. SPARE ME. Whenever I hear his pathetic sob stories of his childhood, I can't help but think about how he ditched his helpless little brother in that situation and never looked back. So forgive me if I don't bleed sympathy upon hearing this brand new sniffly backstory.

And then... WAIT A MINUTE, HOLD THE PHONE.

Gigi: (to Ford) I still think what you did to Jessica last year was wrong, but I think Ryder's very lucky to have you as a Dad and I hope you get him back.

I don't know what the sweet fuck that sentence was about, or why Gigi thinks Ford is all of a sudden a super father and that Jessica shouldn't have custody of her son when she gets out of treatment, but I guess it's just another in a long line of characters to magically decide that all children should be handed over to child-whisperer Ford, Daddy of the Year. Honestly, at this point I'd appreciate it if they'd leave the "what you did to Jessica was wrong, but" business out of any Ford praise, because it's just lip service and it's insulting. If they're going to sink a character by making them do an about-face on this piece of boring crap, they should just embrace it completely so that I can choose to view the whole thing as some sort of absurdist exercise. 

Placing Blame and Self-Effacing Lies

I know that Brooke is the big trashy inappropriate naughty one, historically, but I'm finding myself a little baffled by the fallout from the big "Brooke and Thomas had sex on the island" lie on The Bold & the Beautiful (by the way, did anyone else find it hysterical that they kept calling it "making love?" I'm pretty sure hallucinogenic/aphrodesiac-inspired sex would not be considered "making love" by any standards, but okee dokes). We've got Stephanie swearing to Thomas that this will help heal their family and bring them closer together because Ridge will never be able to get past it, and will therefore never be able to make things work with Brooke. So somehow, "Dad, I banged your wife" equals a closer and healed family? If the idea is that Brooke magically knew what she was doing despite being drugged and having no idea what was actually going on, how exactly is Thomas absolved? I mean I'm not new to soaps here, so naturally the woman is going to get more of the blame than the man in the situation, but all of it? 

Also, all of this vowing to get Brooke out of the family -- isn't she the mother of, like, half the family? She and Ridge share two children, one by adoption, and she's also mother to two of Eric's kids, isn't she? So how exactly is this going to excise her from their lives forever? (Wait, and doesn't she have a son named Jack? Where is he?)

And...how do I put this delicately? I feel sad watching Hunter Tylo because of what she's done to her once breathtakingly beautiful face and so I feel guilty saying anything at all, but that big showdown between Taylor and Brooke today was so uncomfortable to watch because...I mean I don't really what to say about that scary squeaky thing Katherine Kelly Lang does with her voice when she's upset, but to give credit where it's due, I do believe her. I believe that Brooke's madly in love with Ridge, I believe that she's horrified by what Thomas has said she did, and I believe she's appalled and disgusted by herself. As for Taylor?

I don't believe a thing. Obviously it's a handicap to not be able to move her face, but she seems to compensate for that by moving her head -- a lot -- while her arms stay gracelessly at her sides.

All My (Shockingly Watchable) Drama

Maybe it's the warm weather and the feeling that summer is finally here after a particularly dreadful weekend (in two weeks, when I am three inches taller thanks to humidity-induced hair frizz and am cursing the weather, please feel free to send me a link back to this entry with the subject "You Mercurial Bitch"), but I spent much of the last few days basically floating on air. I sat in traffic with a smile. I made smalltalk with people that I normally avoid interacting with. And I said the words, "Wow, that was really good!" after an episode of All My Children ended. All of that is CRAZY, especially the All My Children praise, but here we are!

What was so good? Let's recap the episode.

We start with Erica in captivity, sadly looking at pictures of her loved ones when FauxErica's henchman enters. She pleads with him not to take them away. Seemingly concerned, he asks if she's all right and she says--not as snippily as I probably would have, but she has better self-preservation skills, obviously, after a lifetime of horrible things happening to and around her--that she doesn't really look like herself because she's, you know, being held hostage. She warns Henchman that:

Erica: Your boss, Jane, is going to find out that it's not easy being Erica Kane even when you are, actually, Erica Kane.

 
FauxErica is really learning this the hard way. She composes herself against a wall and takes advantage of the silence and the hard surface to have a flashback to herself immediately after her Erica Kane Construction Surgery.

 

 

At Pine Valley Hospital, Marissa's hand shakes as she tries to get coffee, but JR comes over to do it for her. This is seriously the lowlight of the episode--they are so BORING. Maybe I'm bitter because I grew to love JR and Annie together so much and maybe I'm also bitter because the writers ignored the obvious story here, which was to do a crazy and angsty story about how screwed up it is that Marissa basically took over her dead twin's wife, but whatever, I can't even pay full attention to their scenes, so I might not wind up recapping them.

Tastes of Payoff: Yum!

It's just morsels, I know, and we're owed quite a bit more. But yesterday's One Life to Live did offer up a few tasty ones. 

• After Tea and especially Todd behaved like completely offensive, condescending assholes to Brody who just showed up to follow a lead on the whereabouts of his son who's been kidnapped by a knife-wielding maniac, he got to one-up them by handcuffing them to the staircase while he searched the house. Fortunately, even though he found nothing and let them go, Tea stopped smugging it up after realizing that they were laughing at a father who is desperate to save his baby and the woman he loves (who Todd used to be very, very close to indeed... FURTHER PROOF THAT ROGER HOWARTH'S TODD IS THE REAL TODD, I might add!). Todd, of course, did not stop smugging it up because Todd, of course, never stops smugging it up because he's just a dick.

• Speaking of which, I have no idea what's going on or why Marty showed up to see Todd at the end there, but that was a damn fine ending. If there's one person who I'll be thrilled to see run over by Marty's Crazy Train, it's Todd. I am definitely looking forward to how all this ties together. Once again, they've got my attention!

An Issue of Tone

For so very long, the sight of Luke Spencer had me rolling my eyes completely involuntarily because I knew--I just knew!--that there would be some sort of "wacky" and "hilarious" shenanigans and that the poor scenery ran the risk of being eaten or covered in spittle following a particularly vigorous outburst of hamminess.

But the past few months have showcased a stunningly dark Luke. He killed Jake. He has been told, time and again, that he has a drinking problem and was forced to sit through a sad, albeit compelling, intervention. He screamed at Lulu in a fit of rage. And all of this was, frankly, horrible to watch: the man hit the rockiest of rocky bottoms.

And then. AND THEN! In rehab! This happened (please don't interpret my multiple exclamation points as exclamations of excitement, or joy; it's more shrill, Helen Lovejoy hysteria!)! (!) 

Welcome, Mr. Spencer.
Buy you a drink?

 

I swear to you all: if this is played for laughs, as I so fear that it will be, and the show's godforsaken twinkly music, GH's aural shorthand for "This is so hilarious! OMG! The hijinks! Laugh at the hijinks, monkey, laugh!", starts to play, I...I will scream at the top of my lungs, which none of you will hear, but please know that I will do it. Because REALLY. "Luke killing Jake was horrible until now, when it has suddenly become really funny"?

I mean, I could be working myself up into a lather over nothing, but let's be real: shifting abruptly and horrifically in tone is one of the few things this writing staff is good at.

Programming note: sorry for the lack of posting this week! I have been busy doing glamorous things* and fell behind on soaps and posting, but I should get back posting lengthy and often unintelligible rants soon.

*Lie: I spent much of the week at BookExpoAmerica which is many things (nerdy and awesome chief among them) but is not glamorous.

Crossing The Line and the Un-apocalypse

Well, the big secret's out. Backed into a corner as a result of Taylor's unfortunate incident with the hallucinogenic berries, Brooke confessed to Ridge that she and Thomas had eaten the berries while stranded and starving on the island and then told him the absolute truth as she knows it: they tripped, they saw colors and shapes, they felt better, they blacked out, they woke up with their clothes on. And guess what? The heavens didn't rain blood down on anyone, the earth didn't seize and then tremble, and everyone's still breathing. (Sorry, Harold Camping!)

Instead, Ridge blathered on a bit, asking her if she could swear she didn't "cross that line" because "crossing that line" is something he couldn't abide. (I would like to see this line and all of the things on the other side of it.) The way this phrase about "the line" has come up repeatedly in this storyline, you'd think they've drawn out a chart. And, in fact, discussed the likelihood of Brooke and her stepson getting it on and what everyone's stance on it would be were it to happen, which is hilarious but also necessary in the world they live in, apparently. If I ever have a husband, I'll make sure we sit down and have a good long discussion about whether or not having sex with each other's children would be considered "crossing a line" for which we could not stand. It's important to clarify these things.

But meanwhile...

With Whom May I Register A Complaint?

Oof.

I mean, seriously, this episode started out trying to make me burst into tears by having Blair "rehearsing" the old Peabo Bryson One Life to Live theme song and getting choked up on the line "there's always tomorrow" and saying it was too sad. BECAUSE THERE IS NO LONGER ALWAYS TOMORROW. Ouch. Okay, so they got me. And I do have to say that it's nice to know we are officially seeing the post-cancellation episodes now; that's clear. Wait, that didn't come out right. There's nothing nice about the cancellation. It's just that there's been so much speculation on whether what we're seeing was taped before or after April 14th, so from here on out we have free reign to say, "Wha? They're doing this when they know the end is near?!"

Because... wha? They're doing this when they know the end is near?! And by "this," I of course mean this:

Aww. Look! Ford volunteers in the children's wing of the hospital and he goes there all the time and the kids just love him. And he wears his big hot dog costume because it's so charming and adorable. You've got to be fucking kidding me. He volunteers with sick children! Does he take bullets for puppies, too? Drive for Meals-on-Wheels? Did he do a Peace Corps stint while we weren't looking? You know, it actually is possible to be a father who actually does love his child without having to turn into a saint. I'd accept that he's a player who's trying to not be such a dick anymore and who actually does want to be a good father if they told that story with any sort of reasonable pacing and actually bothered with the necessary steps (though I'd likely find it impossible to ever warm up to the actor as he just plain does nothing for me). But none of that has happened. It was an overnight turnaround and now they are laying it on so ridiculously thick that it's no longer funny. It seriously makes my skin crawl -- mostly because I'm embarrassed for the show. 

Ford: I guess I've never treated women right. When I was first with my ex, she was fragile and I took advantage of that. Got her pregnant... I guess I don't have much of a defense. I was a jerk for a long time. But I am trying to change. 

Gag me with a freaking machete. Also, his "ex" is a symptom of a disorder and not a person and he was never with her. As far as Jess is concerned, well, we all know that he sexually violated her, so it's just darling to listen to him feel bad about it as if what he did to her was no worse than what he did to Langston. And are we supposed to somehow be charmed that his "game" with women isn't good anymore and that he can just so adorably and sheepishly admit it? (And I'm not going to even get into the fact that his most recent actions against Jessica -- deliberately keeping the mother of his child [who is in danger when exposed to Tess or any other alter, make no mistake] from getting the psychiatric care she so desperately needs because his own personal and financial gain was more important -- are remaining totally and utterly unaddressed by anyone on the show and are conveniently absent from Ford's recent alleged self-awareness and self-recrimination for past deeds.)

Did You Bring It?

In the 312 theatre classes I've taken over the years, one of the most frequent assignments I've gotten (and given) is to write a short play or improvise a scene that starts with the line, "Did you bring it?" And then you go from there. Sometimes this can yield something specific and imaginative, and other times I'll sit through scene after scene (sheepishly, I confess, often written by me) that never go anywhere and stay so vague that they feel like they're lifted from the middle of a David Mamet play ("Did you bring it?" "What?" "The thing." "What thing?" "Did you bring it?" "What thing?" "The fuckin' thing." "What the hell?" "You know what I mean, the thing with the fucking thing on it." "Oh, that thing?" "Yeah, that fuckin' thing!" and so on). So far, this "Who did you give it to" business with Roger Howarth's character (is it Todd? I don't frikkin' know!) sounds like the latter. It's so vague that I would actually believe that these scenes were written and taped in one fell swoop before the beats of the rest of the story were actually mapped out. It could mean anything! Which, sure, I'm game and I enjoy the mystery, but I still don't want to sit through the usual "big name actor returns!" song and dance on soaps where he'll stay isolated from the rest of the cast and be non-specific and mysterious until forever from now.

Todd(?): I didn't give "it" to him because I don't know what "it" is! I'll tell you what, why don't you tell me what "it" is, and then maybe I can help you!

I think perhaps no one knows what "it" is, Todd(?). No one at all.

So they've already started the inevitable march back to the John/Natalie reunion, which makes me grumpy and sleepy. I like Natalie, but I think it was completely reasonable of John to be furious with her and leave her for her lies and, to me, the worst thing about his going back to her would be that she'd accept him with open arms and be so grateful that he deigns to be with her again after what she did. And it would be a huge thing to forgive -- she betrayed him in a big way. I don't really like the idea of Natalie's "forever" (as far as we're concerned as of January) to start with such an uneven playing field. If she has to be paired off in the end, I'd rather it be with someone who thinks she's amazing and isn't being somehow magnanimous by committing to her, and they can start off on more equal footing. And if John has to be paired off in the end, I'd rather it be with someone he doesn't think he's superior to (if such a person exists). I know I might get a hit taken out on me for this opinion, but at the moment I prefer John with Kelly -- and Kelly has committed worse sins than Natalie has (giving birth to her own step-grandson, anyone?) but none of them were about John, and frankly committing worse sins than Natalie has is exactly why it's fine if she ends up with a douche like McBain. I rather enjoyed their bonding over how pathetic they were, though clearly that's over now (which seems fast...I know everyone is freaking out that they need to get moving on the stories that matter but if so many of the "ending" couples are already reunited and then we have seven more months of daily episodes, well, zzzz...) and we can go back to John being all noble and rescue-y. Joy. (And yes, I still want them to reunite Natalie and Cris and, yes, I realize there's plenty to forgive there but the difference is that they'd have to forgive each other. And really? They already have.) (And since we're on the subject of never-gonna-happen fantasies I'd also settle for one last Mitch Laurence appearance before the conclusion in which he shows up with a not-at-all-dead Jared and Natalie reunites with him while all the women in town are finally the ones to take Mitch down. I will give them fifty whole dollars to do this.)

The Bold and the Beautiful: Week In Review

Jumping into the middle of the Liam/Hope/Oliver triangle right now on The Bold and the Beautiful is a little hard to to because it seems so truly bizarre. Those of us who watch soaps are pretty used to its tropes and the beats of a triangle, but here we are in a situation where Hope is essentially dating both Oliver and Liam and trying to decide between them, and both of them are completely okay with it. To be fair, Liam is pulling a little harder for his side put this poor little cutie Oliver... I mean, what does he stand to gain from this? Is there something in it for him other than the heart of this girl? He just sits around in rooms with her while she talks about her feelings for Liam and waits for phone calls from him and actually has the nerve to use him as a sounding board. And yes, it's pathetic of him to sit around and take it, but if she had a little more decency it seems like she would just cut the poor kid loose. Is he more nefarious than he seems? I do realize he has a darker past but he seems to be on the level with this one, and it just feels off.

While I say that Liam is pulling a little harder for his side, I guess that's a stretch considering he basically just accepted getting dumped by text message and has already made out with someone else without even speaking to Hope about what's going on. But it sure is haunting him in hilarious ways!

These articulate, heartbreaking texts are literally hurling around the air assaulting him! (Scott Clifton continues to be a trooper.) He should totally sit around being confused about them rather than going to talk to Hope for clarification!

Pine Valley, PA: Death Capital of the World

DAVID KREIZMAN: You know, people are pretty much begging for us to be fired, so I figure we should make plans to go out on top.
DONNA SWAJESKI: With an award-worthy, like, "POW!" that will have people begging for us to write for another show until it, too, gets cancelled?
KREIZMAN: Exactly. And what story on General Hospital had people buzzing?
SWAJESKI: Dead Jake.
KREIZMAN: And what was the last story that earned us kudos? Jesse and Angie's dead baby.
SWAJESKI: I can still remember what the critics said: "Amazing performances almost make you forget that the writing on this show is so shitty".
KREIZMAN: So it's unanimous, then. It's time for--
SWAJESKI & KREIZMAN, IN UNISON: Another dead baby!

It's sort of funny, isn't it?* The various All My Children writing regimes in recent years were terrible in different ways, but they have one similarity**: a willingness to go the easiest and most manipulative route possible. And that is Route Killing Kids. Yes, mere weeks after Jesse and Angie's daugther was stillborn, Madison and Ryan have lost little Sara Lavery to premature birth and a bout with pneumonia. And it was so, so very sad.

Madison: Ooh, Sara. I love you. I love you so much. You know we didn't get to spend very much time together, but I have to believe that you felt that. I need you to hold on to that, just like I'll hold on to you in my heart. You will always be with me, sweet girl. Always.

 
*Not ha-ha funny, obviously. More "This is why my show was cancelled" funny. So not funny at all really and more angry-making.
**Besides being terrible at their jobs.