Serial Drama

Even Gods Get The Blues

Thursday was not a good day for Jason Morgan, which you may have noticed based on his stone-faced, dead-eyed stare of sadness (it's a totally different look than his stone-faced, dead-eyed stare of anger and his stone-faced, dead-eyed stare of confusion).

First, he was on the receiving end of a cruel, cold, truthful rant by a suicidal Luke Spencer.

Luke: You're always so quick to sit in judgment, aren't you, Morgan? At least I know what I am.
You hide behind masks. The soulful gangster, the cold executioner, the grieving papa...except you weren't really a papa, were you? You left that job to Lucky, because you couldn't be bothered.

Luke: I've appointed myself, since no one else in this crappy town will call you out on your jaw-dropping hypocrisy, the guy to do it. Let me ask you something: what was Jake's favorite color? What was his favorite bedtime story? Did he like cereal in the morning or pancakes? You don't know. You don't have a clue because you were just a glorified sperm donor.

Either Awesome Writer was allowed to play or the writing staff opted to plagiarize Serial Drama commenters instead of their own scripts, because SERIOUSLY.

Then! Alexis, speaking for the entire General Hospital audience, questioned his decision-making skills.

Alexis: You were realistic about what those dangers are and you chose not to expose your child to them.
Jason: I gave up Jake to protect him and he died because he got hit by a car. All I did was miss out on Jake's life.
Alexis: I know it probably seems that way in hindsight, but the way I see it, you did what was best for him. You put him first.
Jason: If you're leading somewhere, Alexis, just get there.
Alexis: It just occurred to me that if Sam's surgery is successful and you two have the option of being parents...how are you going to assess those risks? I mean, if your life was too dangerous for Jake, wouldn't it be dangerous for any child?

WOULDN'T IT, JASON?! Thank you, Alexis, for pointing out the myriad flaws in this thought process and this storyline.

Yes, Friday's episode will pick up with a moment of self doubt on Jason's part before the rest of Port Charles rushes to the penthouse to assure him that he's the best ever and that nobody has ever made a better decision than him, but I enjoyed these moments all the same.

(Uh, what I didn't enjoy? Johnny Zacchara. "Kristina let herself get beat up by some preppy punk"? Are you kidding me? This is why I hate this show)

Susan Lucci Is Awesome, Reason #3,854

More often than not--so often that "always" is probably the best phrase to use here--the interviews we feature here at Serial Drama are cringe-worthy, completely absent of self-awareness and offensive on almost every level. But there are some members of the daytime world who are capable of speaking to the soap press in complete, coherent sentences and manage not to insult actors and audiences alike. Imagine that!

To the surprise of absolutely no one, everybody's favorite tiny, large-haired diva is part of the latter camp. Susan Lucci talked to Nelson Branco about her book, the cancellation of AMC and, awesomely, the regime of Charles Pratt, confirming what we all knew, which is that he is HORRIBLE.

“Because I have thought about this very question for quite some time. My feelings are that Brian Frons was handed a very healthy daytime line-up when he arrived and then he hired Chuck Pratt to be head writer. Chuck said to all of us in a big team meeting that he didn’t care about characters. He said, ‘I will not be writing character-driven storylines. I don’t care.’ In individual meetings with him, people would come out weeping and distressed because he would [dismiss their characters and histories]. Almost immediately, our ratings dropped. As actors, we did everything we could to save and respect our characters and their histories; although on paper nothing was there for us to work with. The producers listened to the fans in the focus groups, and fans are sophisticated because of columns like yours and talk shows and so on, and they knew the writing was the problem. Chuck Pratt taking AMC down didn’t happen over night. And he was allowed to stay for two years. And unless it was Agnes or Lorraine, no one could dig us out of this hole.”

I mean, we all knew that he had nothing but contempt for history, the characters ,and the show's audience, but having it confirmed angries me up all over again! The mental image of AMC actors literally in despair after meeting with him is sad (...and also, kind of funny, if you imagine really tough actors wailing and weeping. Just picture it for a second!) and sort of comforting, since his writing regime often had me distressed and weeping. Stars, they're just like US! 

The rest of the interview is definitely worth reading--she is the cutest, basically.

All My Children itself? I have to say that today's episode was sort of enjoyable. Now, I have to admit: I'm still sort of floating on air following the news that Bob Guza was finally given his walking papers at General Hospital (is it ghoulish to be celebrating the fact that someone is out of a job? Because if so, I'll start shouting "BOO!" at people to complete my transformation), so maybe I'm biased. But if you fast forward through all things Colby and Asher, and ignore the fact that tragedy is coming with Madison and Ryan's daughter (I mean, I'm not spoiled, but the writing is on the wall there, right? And that's tragic, because I don't want another dead baby story, hence my ignoring all of it) and focus completely on Erica's doppelganger, it's entertaining! I especially liked Jack's look of suspicion when he walked in on FauxErica berating Opal. How refreshing would that be, if he realized something was up and solved the mystery in a few days? Very refreshing, is the answer.

DELIGHT! ECSTASY! GLEE!

Today's top story: little girl on cloud nine as dreams come true!

From Entertainment Weekly...

ABC announced today that Garin Wolf was named the head writer of General Hospital, effective immediately. “Garin is a talented writer and storyteller who has been a part of the General Hospital family for nearly 15 years,” said Brian Frons, ABC’s daytime president. “His in-depth knowledge and adoration for the show’s legacy will help make a smooth transition and an immediate impact on story. I’m sure he will succeed in taking General Hospital to new heights as he develops characters and storylines that will engage and thrill our viewers.”

Wolf replaces Robert Guza, Jr., who had been with the ABC soap on and off since the ’80s. Wolf has been on GH since 1997.

If something happens the week of my birthday, albeit AFTER my birthday, it can still count as a birthday present, right? Because if so, BEST PRESENT EVER OHMIGOD. TOO EXCITED TO THINK RATIONALLY ABOUT WHAT COULD HAPPEN NEXT. EMBARRASSINGLY FLAILY AND SQUEALLY AND TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHICH I KNOW IS ANNOYING, BUT OHMIGOD!

Catharsis!

If you have a moment, do indulge:

poll by twiigs.com

I don't know about you guys, but today's One Life to Live was really upsetting to me. I think maybe the cancellation is giving me more of a "point of no return" feeling when watching, so basically anything horrible that a character does now feels final. Matthew is a murderer. Marty is a murderer. Jessica basically does not exist. Clint is a ruthless criminal. The Fords exist. Deanna is a character.

Point is, I was feeling a little down. Melissa Archer and Susan Haskell and Jerry verDorn and Eddie Alderson were all terrific today, but it all just made me sad (and just plain sad, not that "soapy satisfying sad" feeling), so I thought this poll might be a little cathartic for some of us. Okay, "cathartic" is a hell of a stretch. Therapeutic, perhaps?

And now this? Robin Strasser won't be able to finish out the run of the show? Well. Rip my heart out, world, why don't you! Luckily, there's some decent news in soaps tonight. I'm just exhausted.

Things That Aren't Teen

A moment of your time is all I ask. Just a moment.

Things That Aren't Teen, Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Really. That's all.

Also, I don't know if anyone else's brain is in some sort of a crazy time-warp right now because of Roger Howarth's return, but after the undisclosed interrogator in the undisclosed location asked Roger Howarth's character, "Do you know where you are?" yesterday, did anyone else immediately hear, "You're in the jungle, baby, and you're gonna diiiiiiiiiiie!"

Because I did. I also listened to an actual record and swept with a regular broom tonight, so thanks a lot, Howarth. Whatever, y'all. Don't judge. I'm going to go watch MTV now, where I hear there's totally some TV show where they put a bunch of people in a house in New York City and turn on actual cameras to just observe their daily lives. Crazy, right??

Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before

General Hospital's attempts to think outside of the box often go...let's say poorly. They go poorly, thanks to a writing staff with a limitless reserve of antipathy for their audience and an unearned level of comfort with flauting years of character history and the laws of logic. So I realize that asking this is a huge risk but, seriously, I am at my breaking point right now: PLEASE, GH. PLEASE start to think outside the box. Because I am pretty sure that the box only has three ideas in it and we've watched them on a loop for the past weeks/months/years.

Really, tell me that these plotlines aren't straight from last summer or 2007 or, like, 1999.

• Lisa is totally crazy, y'all! And also, surprisingly fond of convoluted plans of destruction.
• Carly and Jax fight over Josslyn. Jax is like, "I don't want contract killer spending time with my daughter" and Carly screeches in response, "OH MY GOD, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT JERRY, HE IS AN EVIL KILLER! KILLER! KILLER!"
• Lulu being kind of a bitch.
  Lulu: I just called [Brenda] out on her lack of appreciation...
  
  Oh, shove it, Lulu. And why are you hanging out and making out with Dante in the middle of the PCPD?
• Sonny blusters about something in a blustery fashion and makes vague threats on Jax's life.

Yeah, I'm seriously worried about Jasper.

Sonny: You're not going to fight alone, because I'll do whatever I have to do to help you save your daughter.

I see either a meat hook or a gaping bullet wound in his future...

That's Our Guy!

Which guy? Our guy! Whose guy? Ours! I don't mean to embarrass myself here, folks, but you have got to be a pretty cool customer if you're not at least a little curious and excited by Roger Howarth's return to One Life to Live! I, for one, am giddy like a schoolgirl because I have not seen one single spoiler and have not one single clue how this is all going to play out. Sure, I wish I hadn't known at all that he was returning, but aside from that one obviously major factor, so far is this is like old-school soap-viewing when you don't already know most of what's happening because of spoilers and internet rumors. Remember the element of surprise? I don't know if (a) I've just been lucky enough to avoid information or if (b) the folks in charge at OLTL have learned something and are miraculously keeping this thing quiet or if (c) the spoilers simply aren't out there because they're going to drag out this tease in tiny bits and pieces for ages because they haven't even written the actual reveal yet. (Are we all pretty sure it's option C?) (And wait! Dear readers, if it's option A, please keep me in the dark, I beg of you!)

Because seriously, y'all.

I mean, right?

I am just so excited! Straitjackets! Mysterious injections! Ambiguous interrogations! Undisclosed locations!

Who Does He Think He Is?

That Liam Spencer. He seems to be under some terribly mistaken impression that he is not a character on The Bold and the Beautiful, but instead that he is some sort of real person living in a world with regular values and logic. I mean what kind of nonsense is this? When he insisted to Hope that the two of them could make it work, we got this:

Hope: How? Tell me how!

Liam: We just... we just do it, we make it happen.

Hope: And the baby?

Liam: Hope, my kid will have everything that he needs from me. You and I love each other. I have plenty of love to go around. I have love for you, and the baby -- it's the twenty-first century. I mean, families come in all different shapes and sizes and just because Amber Moore is the mother of my child does not mean she's my family. You and I belong together, you know that. You know that.

I mean... the nerve! Who goes around saying things like this? This is a soap opera, buddy! In soap opera-land, a woman being pregnant by a certain man means he is required by moral law to commit himself to her romantically. And somebody needs to remind this guy that he's in a show that looks like 1989 so he might not want to be cavalierly tossing phrases about like "twenty-first century." It'll only confuse the fashion designers!

Of course, try as Liam might to not be trapped in a soap opera cliche, the bad news for him is that he's in a classic: the baby isn't even his anyway. It's all just a scam and, frankly, Amber doesn't seem particularly committed to the scam. But mama bear Tawny is as committed as ever, and has kept this whole "twenty-first century" theme going by masquerading as Hope and breaking up with Liam via text message. Apparently when you're in a text conversation with someone, you are bound by laws of nature to keep that conversation going by text and not to, say, actually make a phone call if the messages you're getting don't sound like that person at all, are totally confusing to you, and are about something that's as big a deal as the end of a relationship. Nope! Like Bo Buchanan on One Life to Live, you take it at face value! And in Liam's case, you apparently start making out with the nearest preggers chick. That clever Tawny, figuring out text-speak and putting her own phone number under Hope's name in Liam's phone. It's a heck of a trick, and one we all might like to keep in mind the next time we go to drunk-text an ex! Just saying.

Whipple out!

I Wonder How Much Doppelganger Surgery Costs...

Only on a soap opera is this a logical question and a most plausible explanation:

Erica: Were you born looking like that? Are you a sister I didn't know I had?

When Thursday's episode (which I am just catching up on now! An unexpectedly busy week has me cramming this weekend) ended with Erica confronting the captor who looked exactly like her, the story went from "I am enjoying this creepy tale completely, without reservation" to "This is sort of ridiculous and yet...kind of loving it".

Because, as all doppelganger stories are, this is utterly implausible and, were you to recap it to somebody who doesn't watch All My Children, sort of embarrassing. AND YET...I am interested in seeing where this goes, even if I can already see the writing on the wall and where it is going to go is "doppelganger takes over Erica's life, evilly, and does evil things. Jackson and/or Caleb--please let it just be Jack alone--saves the day. Erica tosses her hair and gets in a few bitchy bon mots." Or "doppelganger takes oer Erica's life, Lorraine Broderick's writing starts to air and entire story is scrapped". Either! But it does look like Susan Lucci is having fun, doesn't it?

That. Was. Awesome.

I am, of course, referring to Jess' new alter "Wes," who is based on Jessica's memories of Brody's old Navy SEAL buddy Wes Granger. Bree Williamson clearly did months of research for this, and is essentially channeling Justin Paul Kahn (who won the role of Wes by participating in the former SoapNet reality competition show So You Want To Be A Soap Star). She has absolutely disappeared into this role. Brava!

Okay, I'm an asshole and am obviously joking. In fact, the only part of this whole "Wes" catastrophe that's not pure horror was the look on Cristian's face and the fact that he interrupted Brody's worried call with, "Jessica's a dude." And everyone in the scenes looked half like their characters were laughing at how bad it was and half like the actors were laughing at how bad it was. Otherwise, sweet Jesus, somebody put this storyline out of its misery immediately. If I were to tune in tomorrow and there were just a white screen over several muted scenes and from then on all of the characters pretended that this never happened, I would not question it. FEEL FREE TO DO THIS, SHOW. YOU ARE EMBARRASSING YOURSELF, SHOW. Please stop it. As Kelly would say, "Stop it. Stop it. Stop it! Stop it! You are stopping it!"

What was awesome today on One Life to Live? The lovely scenes between Clint and Viki. I have always loved Clint and Viki, no matter who's playing Clint, and no matter if it's as co-parents or friends or lovers. The words "Sloan Carpenter" make bile rise in my throat to this day. In fact, I'm a little shaken right now that I just typed that name. And damn. They went way back today, back to Clint having adopted Kevin and Joey. We got Clint saying how he'd like to run that bum (Charlie) out of town for breaking her heart. Clint will always see Viki as the best woman he's ever known and Jerry ver Dorn (who, oh yeah, wasn't nominated for an effing Emmy) never forgets to play that for a second whether it's written into the scene or not.

You know what else was awesome? Marty's fast ride on the Crazy Train. It's been awesome for days. And now it's put Kelly in the hospital with a stab wound.