Sponsored By Nonsense
Most Port Charles residents are completely incapable of stringing together a coherent thought under the best of circumstances, which might have something to do with the fact that they are written by a writing staff who is, well, completely incapable of telling a story with a beginning, middle, and end (let alone a small fraction of intentional entertainment!). Lately, though? The stupidity defies explanation.
Actually, that's not exactly true. There is a perfectly sensible explanation for this cacophony of dimness: the writers have no idea what the eff they are doing and are content to just tread water for as long as it takes for them to get out of their writer's block, and by "get out of their writer's block", I mean "think of a new and even more CRAZY AWESOME way for Jason to save the day".
Between Abby's plan to plead guilty to a murder no jury in the world would convict her for (unless they, like me, got so annoyed at her valiumed manner of speaking that they sent her to prison out of spite), Lisa's ever-baffling choice to drug Kristina in order to bug Patrick and Robin's house and her random decision to cause a gas leak (thanks, Spyder Finder!) and Michael's...existence, sense is fighting a losing battle. Let me break it down for you: Carly (!!!) (!!!!) is the only person with any logic. CARLY. WHAT? I KNOW, I'M SCARED, TOO.
But her palpable frustration with the failure that is Michael has been on-point and also hilarious.
"How can I phrase this nicely? I...am giving him about ten times more credit than he actually deserves."
"I don't follow."
"He's the most frustrating thing to ever happen to me and that includes chronic pain from the time Sonny shot me in the head."
"Yeah, it's fine, we were married at the time and it was an accident and I married him, like, five more times after that, it's a long story..."
Jason: The harder you push Michael--
Carly: What the hell are you saying? We just let Michael call the shots here? You think Michael can handle Anthony Zacchara?
"Here's a list of things Michael can handle, Jason."
"Am I right or am I right?"
"Did you hear that long pause?"
"And you didn't think it was weird?"
"Well, I spend a lot of time talking to Sonny, so...no."
"Sonny's pauses are just stupid, Jason, that was a MEANINGFUL PAUSE. Okay? It was silence, Jason. Because the kid can't handle shit. HENCE THE MEANINGFUL SILENCE."
A few other things happened in Port Charles, few of which made any sense or entertained me in any real way.
- How cute are Matt and Maxie? And how little do the writers care about them?
- Seriously, what is the point of Lisa drugging Kristina? I am going to keep asking that question until I get a suitable answer and no, Guza, "because she can" is not a suitable answer.
- Anthony: You have this very nurturing, albeit war-like, aura about you.
Dear Anthony Zacchara,
Thank you for being a friend.
- The fact that Aiden's paternity is still being kept from Lucky and, seemingly, will remain a secret for the foreseeable future is so ridiculous that I can't even express it. I hate it and I feel that, by the time the word is out--which, I'm sure, will come after every single person in town will have sashayed into Elizabeth's house and caught a glimpse of the paternity test results, because it was so endlessly entertaining the other time Lucky was the last person to hear something that had a profound impact on his life. Can't you just imagine the writers talking? "OMG, it will be like what we did with Jake, but OPPOSITE! High five!"--I will hate everyone involved.
- Speaking of that poor, ignorant boy, his facial expression after Elizabeth confessed that she had known about the wedding was just amazing.
It was like a master class in conveying discomfort.