Stop Me If You've Heard This One Before
General Hospital's attempts to think outside of the box often go...let's say poorly. They go poorly, thanks to a writing staff with a limitless reserve of antipathy for their audience and an unearned level of comfort with flauting years of character history and the laws of logic. So I realize that asking this is a huge risk but, seriously, I am at my breaking point right now: PLEASE, GH. PLEASE start to think outside the box. Because I am pretty sure that the box only has three ideas in it and we've watched them on a loop for the past weeks/months/years.
Really, tell me that these plotlines aren't straight from last summer or 2007 or, like, 1999.
- Lisa is totally crazy, y'all! And also, surprisingly fond of convoluted plans of destruction.
- Carly and Jax fight over Josslyn. Jax is like, "I don't want contract killer spending time with my daughter" and Carly screeches in response, "OH MY GOD, DID YOU FORGET ABOUT JERRY, HE IS AN EVIL KILLER! KILLER! KILLER!"
- Lulu being kind of a bitch.
Lulu: I just called [Brenda] out on her lack of appreciation...
Oh, shove it, Lulu. And why are you hanging out and making out with Dante in the middle of the PCPD?
- Sonny blusters about something in a blustery fashion and makes vague threats on Jax's life.
Yeah, I'm seriously worried about Jasper.
Sonny: You're not going to fight alone, because I'll do whatever I have to do to help you save your daughter.
I see either a meat hook or a gaping bullet wound in his future...
Really, though, they are just copying and pasting huge chunks of dialogue.
Jax: You can't provide a safe environment for our daughter, so I will be going for primary custody. I also want a written agreement signed by the court that Jason and Sonny aren't allowed anywhere near her when she's with you.
Carly: You think it's going to be that easy to take my daughter from me?
Been there, done that, don't even have the energy to give Jax half-hearted props for continuing to tell it like it is.
And again, I TOTALLY understand why they are fighting over Joss, on account of the whole adorbs thing--
I mean, so cute, right? Not to mention SO OVER HER PARENTS--
but this prolonged custody fight is seriously starting to wear on me, mentally.
I think Port Charles is starting to do the same to Brenda. If she decides to say "Screw it, I'm going to Tahiti", I really hope that she and Jax and Alec and Joss jet off together because ohmigod, I love Jax and Brenda so much. When she went to him for advice? And he was so sweet and supportive and made hilarious "WTF?" faces when he heard about Suzanne's ridiculous plan and told her that he was nervous around Morgan at first and then earnestly told her she's going to be a wonderful mother?
Brenda, who has been on the verge of a nervy b for months now, finally reached her breaking point after learning that CARLY was part of the mission to get Alec (who is her real son, not Lucian, who was a decoy son. Yeah, I know. I KNOW. There is all sorts of eyerolling going on right here and also a judgmental badger face saying, "Maybe if you had just gotten a DNA test done right away, you could have saved a lot of people a lot of hassle...") from Texas and she was stuck in Port Charles. She practically twitched whenever she heard Carly's name. But maybe that had something to do with the epic amount of "Wait, WHAT?" that accompanied every mention of her.
Brenda: Did you just want her with you?
Sonny: No, I thought she would be more objective, that's all.
Sonny: I brought her because she doesn't know Suzanne. She wouldn't engage with Suzanne, and I thought you would.
I'm sorry, are we talking about a different Carly? Because this shrieking harpy (I say that with love) engages with everybody about everything. She doesn't need to know them! She doesn't even need to disagree with them; she's the type of person to pick a ridiculous screaming match just because she's bored. And objective? As if. The Carly I know and love-whilst-cringing is the kind who can get apoplectic during a discussion of, like, her favorite cereal. So cram it up your cramhole, Sonny!
Vanessa Marcil Giovinazzo turned in a nice performance today, I thought--all sorts of pain and anger. I loved her confrontation with the dastardly Adrienne Barbeau who, as the villains on this show so often do, spoke the truth.
Brenda: I guess what I really do need to accept is that you really hate me that much.
Adrienne Barbeau: No, Brenda. What I hate is the life that Alec is going to have in the next couple of years.
Brenda: Oh, please. Alec is going to be with his mother in the next couple of years.
Adrienne Barbeau: Mmmm. And his stepfather. Sonny Corinthos, a mob boss whose children have been shot, kidnapped, almost killed more times than anyone cares to count. And now, thanks to you, Alec is going to be raised in that environment. Unless you can save him.
Brenda: Don't you worry. Nobody that I love ever has to be protected from my own husband.
Adrienne Barbeau: You listen to me, Brenda. If you want Alec to have any kind of a future, a future that doesn't contain danger, violence, and death, then you better pack him up and get him as far away from Sonny as you can.
Somewhere like TAHITI with JASPER JAX, maybe? Is that what you were thinking, evil and useless, yet surprisingly wise, guest star? I hope so.