Serial Drama

The Worst Part of a Horrible Thing

We all knew it was coming. We knew that All My Children couldn't wrap up without Greenlee and Ryan having another, legal wedding filled with smugness and bitchface and smarm. We knew that there would be FLASHBACKS and unbearably CHEESY WEDDING VOWS and DOUCHEY facial expressions. We even knew--we hoped it wouldn't come to it, but deep down, we knew--that each of them would affirm their deep and true love of the other and ONLY THE OTHER, because they had never been in love with anybody else before, no matter what history and YouTube clips say.

Ryan: I do love you more now than I ever have before. Ever. And that's saying a lot, because I have loved you so much. People talk about soulmates, and I don't think until you have one you really know what that means. But I know. I know exactly what a soulmate is. Even when we've been apart, it's always been you. I've always been deeply connected to you. Just you.

Greenlee: I know how you feel. All the things that tried to keep us apart, they never really could. And no matter how I tried to stay away, I couldn't. It's always been you.I've always been deeply connected to you. Just you.

Gross, right?! I mean, even though we expected it, nothing can truly prepare you for that. "Just you...and the other loves of my life who I discarded on a whim". "Just you...and, you know, LEO, who actually WAS the love of my life".

But I at least thought, perhaps foolishly, that Emma would at least be given the opportunity to stick it to her stepmonster one more time! Perhaps hitting her father with some knowledge when it came time to speak now, or forever hold [her] peace,or cocking an eyebrow at the end of the ceremony, as if to say "This isn't over, Greens". But nothing! In the blink of an eye, one of my favorite plots in recent memory was completely erased. THANKS FOR NOTHING, AMC WRITERS!

Another Day, Another List Of Unanswerable Questions

I know that the answer to each and every question that follows is "because the General Hospital writing staff maps out plotlines by saying 'and then this will happen because...it sounds awesome'" and that sitting down and expecting sense or, like, a point on this show (at least for the time being--I'm legitimately considering throwing a party to celebrate Garin Wolf's first episode. I just need a clever ruse, because "celebrating the tenure of a new soap writer" is seriously embarrassing) is a losing game, but I am confounded, people. CONFOUNDED.

REALLY, Michael?

Michael: The worst thing that happened to me growing up was a custody fight between Mom and Dad.

THAT is the lowlight of a life that has been filled with grief, tragedy, and crime? You've been kidnapped, witnessed the deaths of all sorts of friends and families and nannies, were the prime suspect in your biological father's murder, you shot a woman and you also got shot in the head before you turned 13. The worst thing that happened to you is EVERYTHING. Please, dial the smug back a notch or six and kindly stop lecturing Jax on custody settlements.

...um. Lulu in the bordello*: why?

I know, I know, it's because the show likes to objectify women and put them in positions where they can easily be victimized but really, what is the point of this whole plot tangent? As soon as she found out Luke wasn't there, shouldn't she have left? It seems so...exploitative.

Javier: You'll smile and say thank you when they stuff bills in your panties. You'll do what I say when I say it with no more talk about it.

Full body shudder.

* I vastly prefer the term "bordello" to "whorehouse", which they used about a dozen times in an episode last week. Also, bordello always makes me think, randomly, of a passage in Starring Sally J. Freedman as Herself where Sally's father describes their lavender and black tiled basement as being reminiscent of a bordello. Although, to be fair, a lot of things make me think of Judy Blume books)

How are they going to wrap up Nikolas's arc and his part in the paternity story in approximately four minutes?

Tyler Christopher's last airdate is this week, which means that the show has a whole lot of story to tell if--I was going to finish that sentence with "if they are at all invested in giving a legacy character a proper sendoff", but then I realized how patently absurd that is, because the writers are not. I wouldn't be surprised to tune in Friday to see Lucky telling Liz, "Hey, Nik just texted me: NVM, Aiden is prob urs. In Greece for a bit, TTYL!"

Did anybody else yell at their screen "Yeah, like giving in to a deadly tumor, forsaking their son, family and friends, because sex with a ghost is just that good"?

Nikolas: You're grieving. When you're grieving, people do things that they wouldn't normally do otherwise.

Will Carly EVER realize the disservice she did to Michael?

Carly: I've made plenty of mistakes since, but that night, I made the right choice.

Probably not, right? Unless Michael finally collapses under the weight of his past traumas and inherited sociopathic character traits and violently murders her. But even then, her last thought would probably be "Damn you, Quartermaine DNA!"

Was it really necessary to spend quite so much time on Jason's reaction to Aiden's paternity which, remember, has absolutely nothing to do with him?

Also, what the hell?

Elizabeth: Do you believe me?
Sam: Yeah, I do. And I know Jason will, too.

Bizarre, right? Although it did seem to give Liz some peace of mind. I guess having the support--or support by proxy--of the local deity must be sort of soothing...

Asshole, PA (or The Day Vimal Got Hot)

I may be alone on an island here, but for me? On today's One Life to Live when Vimal learned Rama had faked her pregnancy, he turned on a dime from a cute one-dimensional archetype into.... kind of a hottie. 

I just thought that was important to mention.

So, Rex is an asshole. Even though he's been a total dick lately, I could sort of give him a little wiggle room. He's lost his fiancée, the mother of his son. Maybe he wasn't ready to pull the plug on Gigi -- that's certainly understandable. I could even go out on a limb and say maybe he would have had as stubborn a reaction had anyone been the recipient of Gigi's heart, and the fact that it was Clint and he hates him was a convenient outlet for his feelings. But today we learned that he'll use Gigi's heart as currency. He'll pull the plug right away, no problem! As long as he gets control of everything Clint and his family own. For revenge. 

Now This Is Just Not Playing Fair

Call me old-fashioned, but try as I might to see them with other people, to see them as other people, I'm a sucker for Viki and Clint. I've loved their friendship, I've loved their romance, and I've loved both of those with both Clint Ritchie (I seriously get misty even typing his name) and Jerry verDorn portraying Clint. Maybe it's because Viki and Clint's love story was the first major story that really drew me into a soap opera. Maybe it's because it's Erika Slezak and two men with wild charisma. Maybe it's, uncharacteristically, writer after writer on this show getting one thing very right. I don't know. But it gets me every time. And today?

Clint: I'm not the man that you married. 

Viki: Twice. I think that's proof that maybe you weren't all that bad.

Clint: Maybe not back then. But I changed.

Viki: Everyone changes, Clint.

Clint: Yeah, but you're supposed to get better with age. You did. And maybe I would've, too, if... 

Viki: If what?

Clint (with tears in his eyes): If I had somehow found my way back... to you. I was my best self with you. Hell, I had to be because you wouldn't settle for anything less. And that is what I'm going to take with me. Knowing that there was one point in time where I did something good. Because there was a certain someone there that brought it out in me. Dear Viki, I'll die owing you for that.

Viki (now with tears in her eyes... and most certainly in mine): I think... I think we'll call it even, huh? 

I just have one question: why are they trying to kill me?

Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.1, "She's Not There"

IT'S BACK, YOU GUYS, TRUE BLOOD IS BACK!

After a nine-month hiatus that can only be described as excruciating, True Blood returned last night and brought JOY back to my Sunday nights. I was walking around today with an extra spring in my step, which did not go unnoticed by people I encountered (although I felt silly sharing the true reason for my glee--"Oh, it's because True Blood is back! What's True Blood? Um, a show, about vampires. And fairies. And witches. So..."--and tried to play it off as though I was extremely excited about the weather, which I actually was, since it was the first totally sunny day in a while, but that is beside the point). But can you blame me?! So many delicious cliffhangers we needed resolutions on!

You know the drill: spoilers obviously abound after the jump, so hurry up and get yourself caught up on any episodes you've missed and join us for discussion of "She's Not There"!

This Is Some Seriously Poor Time Management

I feel like this shouldn't even have to be said, because "When you only have a couple of months to wrap up a decades-long show in a satisfying fashion, you maybe shouldn't spend large chunks of episodes focusing on Colby as she sings--or, to be more to the point, 'singing, because that was painful--because what...you know, is the point?" is such a total DUH that any writing and production teamed staffed with breathing human beings would scoff at the very idea, but apparently it does need to be said, based on two full segments of Thursday's All My Children featuring a very detailed look at Natalee Hall's screeching skills.

(Here, I was going to link to a YouTube video of said segments of AMC, but I thought that would be mean to do to my lovely readers. Also, the internet, in a kind and gentle mood, seems to have eaten all evidence that said screeching ever happened)

Aside from that...well, aside from that that happening, AMC did its usual boring thing. There were a few standout moments, though:

• David is a smarmy bastard, isn't he?
  
  David: I guess you're just going to have to take that leap of faith.
  Angie: And what if that leap leads to a fall?
  David: Consider yourself lucky. At least you won't see the ground coming when it hits you.
  
  On the one hand, that's a pretty horrible thing to say to a blind woman. On the other hand, it made me cackle.
• Apparently, Pine Valley is a land where accidents just don't happen. Car accident? ATTEMPTED MURDER. Stubbing your toe? PART OF AN INSIDIOUS ASSASSINATION PLOT. Much like Aidan's immediate and angry assertion that Ryan and/or Zach were personally responsible for Greenlee's (presumed) death, Ryan has, years later, connected those same dots and arrived at a similar, less Ryan-hating conclusion: David totally did it, you guys! It wasn't Greenlee getting involved in a situation that had absolutely nothing to do with her and hopping on a motorcycle in her wedding dress to meddle like she's Mary Worth; it was ALL DAVID.
  
  Ryan: When Greenlee drove her motorcycle off that cliff, she came back a year later.
  Jesse: A resurrection attributed to Hayward.
  Ryan: What if that motorcycle accident wasn't exactly an accident?
  Jesse: You think he had something to do with it?
  Ryan: He just happened to be there to rescue her? The fact that he had her--he gained control over Greelee. He used her to rebuild his entire life, Jesse.
  Jesse: You're starting to see a pattern?
  Ryan: Don't you?
  
  Do you know how badly I wanted Jesse to respond with, "No, because that's the most fucking asinine thing I've ever heard"?! But he didn't. He totally came around to Sherlock Douche's half-assed and meandering reasoning!
• Could Madison be getting her gumption back? After passing out and being relaxed by Kendall and Griffin, Mads went to sleep peacefully...except for the part where she happily dreamed of strolling into Fusion and shooting Greenlee! If this show had--sob!--more time, I'd eagerly welcome a story about Madison fully embracing her original dark roots, but right now, I just want her to wake up realizing that she wants to get back together with Scott and live happily ever after, together, forever. I'd even accept Colby singing at the wedding reception if that's what it takes for that to happen!*

*Hopefully it doesn't come to that.

I Do Not Remember This

Because if I did, this would've been discussed already. Long, long ago. A lot. I mean, did I know this back then? I did not. Because I would remember this.

I know I would remember that. I remember finding this man attractive, but in a "he's so haunted and such a fascinating character played by this actor who's brought so many layers to someone who's ostensibly just a bastard, so isn't that kind of sexy" sort of way. But not in this sort of way. I mean I think I get it. Present day One Life to Live is heavy on the hot-bodied men (generally with little-to-nothing to back that up in the substance department) and we see a lot more abs than we ever did back then. More importantly, Roger Howarth's Todd was never paraded as a sex symbol (even though he became one to the actor's own -- and many of our -- ambivalence) because a tremendous amount of his characterization was solely based on how incredibly repressed and, let's face it, fucked up he was about anything sex-related, both because of his own childhood and because of the heinous ways in which he'd used sex for violent means himself. So it was never about how hot he looked out of a shirt, though he may very well have. But, as I said, I DO NOT REMEMBER THIS. Because... I WOULD REMEMBER THAT.

Three Cheers For Soapy Reactions

The fast-tracked demise of our beloved genre is sad for so many, many reasons. There are daytime serial tropes that really exist only in this milieu, and I'm going to love them for all they're worth while we've still got them. Today's The Bold and the Beautiful gave us a slew of them, but at the top of the list was the random, out-of-nowhere, "I was happy with my current wife two weeks ago but now we're separated," lightning-fast marriage proposal in order to "reunite" a family... a family with exclusively adult children, I might add. (In fact, Ridge -- the proposing Lothario in question -- actually does have minor children, but no matter!)

No matter that one of his adult sons he's working so hard to "do right by" by reuniting this family was 50% of the (alleged) act that made him decide his wife is perverse and beyond redemption (although he certainly doesn't treat Brooke as though he thinks that about her... dude's all over the place!). Who cares? The important thing is that seductive women don't sex up his adult, heavy-on-the-chiseled-features, sexually active son, because when that happens? They are evil! His son is just a baby and a victim!

But the other daytime serial trope that got the best moment in today's episode? The "I announce to my loved ones the ridiculous, hyperbolic thing I've done!" moment.

Second Lives for One Life to Live Characters, Installment #1

We have to assume that in the months to come, we'll be getting a string of actors returning to One Life to Live to re-visit their former characters, whether they be characters from way back when (c'mon Karen Wolek!) or characters we've seen more recently but might come back one more time to wrap up a storyline somehow (Alex Olanov? Tina? [pleasepleasepleasepleaseTina] Cord? Mitch?). I've said before that I don't think we're going to be getting many of them till closer to the finale date (I'm thinking the parade, if there is one, will start around late October), but we did indeed get one announced today: Amanda Setton will be back as Kim!

Now we all know I've always been very quiet about my feelings on Kim. Virtual silence here. I barely even remember what I thought of the character. I wonder if her departure bothered me? It's so hard to think that far back. I probably completely forgot her after she left.

So, you know... cool.

Limping Along To A Spectacularly Unsatisfying Conclusion

The denouements to most General Hospital stories are ridiculous and illogical, as if they were conceived in the midst of a fever dream and jotted down on napkins before hastily being handed out to the actors who were already on set, waiting to tape their scenes, but the end of Lisa's overlong reign of terror was staggering in its what-the-fuckery.

After sneaking into General Hospital with a cunning security guard disguise, Lisa engaged in all sorts of supervillainy, such as taking people hostage, ranting at length about her hatred of Robin and shooting Spinelli. She then segued into an extended (and tortured) courtroom metaphor, putting the rest of Port Charles on trial for the crime of ruining her life.

Lisa: You are all so repressed that you'd rather burn me at the stake then admit that people cheat. I am not the one who is on trial. You are. And you are all found guilty of scapegoating. For blaming me for your inabilities in life, for attacking my character, for destroying my career. You took away everything that I worked so hard for. And the punishment is death.

What about the crime of boring people to tears, my good lady?! You are guilty on all counts! HA! Hoisted by your own insane petard.

Incidentally, I had to cut about 2/3 of that soliloquy out, because the quote was eating up the entire page. To say that crazy bitch is verbose is an understatement. Is there anything more irksome than an overly chatty whackjob?  

Yes, there is, actually, and that's this show's steadfast devotion to Jason, The Holy Hitman And Knower Of All Things. He saved the day, natch, and did so with the complete blessing of the police commissioner! Not only did Mac practically moon over Jason's heroism and status as PC deity, but he and Dante actually lectured Ronnie when the latter was less than enthused about turning a police situation over to a hired killer.

Dante: Ronnie, saving these people's lives is a hell of a lot more important than the grudge you carry around. Try and remember that.

Yeah, Ronnie, try and remember that murder is only bad when it's not mob-related!

(Also, I'm incapable of even typing the name Ronnie without having it narrated in my head by Sammi from Jersey Shore, so this segment of the post is seriously difficult for me)