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« As The Cuteness Continues... | Main | Second Lives for One Life to Live Characters, Installment #1 »

June 21, 2011

Limping Along To A Spectacularly Unsatisfying Conclusion

The denouements to most General Hospital stories are ridiculous and illogical, as if they were conceived in the midst of a fever dream and jotted down on napkins before hastily being handed out to the actors who were already on set, waiting to tape their scenes, but the end of Lisa's overlong reign of terror was staggering in its what-the-fuckery.

After sneaking into General Hospital with a cunning security guard disguise, Lisa engaged in all sorts of supervillainy, such as taking people hostage, ranting at length about her hatred of Robin and shooting Spinelli. She then segued into an extended (and tortured) courtroom metaphor, putting the rest of Port Charles on trial for the crime of ruining her life.

Lisa: You are all so repressed that you'd rather burn me at the stake then admit that people cheat. I am not the one who is on trial. You are. And you are all found guilty of scapegoating. For blaming me for your inabilities in life, for attacking my character, for destroying my career. You took away everything that I worked so hard for. And the punishment is death.

What about the crime of boring people to tears, my good lady?! You are guilty on all counts! HA! Hoisted by your own insane petard.

Incidentally, I had to cut about 2/3 of that soliloquy out, because the quote was eating up the entire page. To say that crazy bitch is verbose is an understatement. Is there anything more irksome than an overly chatty whackjob?  

Yes, there is, actually, and that's this show's steadfast devotion to Jason, The Holy Hitman And Knower Of All Things. He saved the day, natch, and did so with the complete blessing of the police commissioner! Not only did Mac practically moon over Jason's heroism and status as PC deity, but he and Dante actually lectured Ronnie when the latter was less than enthused about turning a police situation over to a hired killer.

Dante: Ronnie, saving these people's lives is a hell of a lot more important than the grudge you carry around. Try and remember that.

Yeah, Ronnie, try and remember that murder is only bad when it's not mob-related!

(Also, I'm incapable of even typing the name Ronnie without having it narrated in my head by Sammi from Jersey Shore, so this segment of the post is seriously difficult for me)

Ronnie:I thought the department wasn't allowed to cooperate with the mob anymore. Isn't that what you said?
Mac: Yeah, I meant it.
Ronnie: Then what's Morgan doing inside the building?
Mac: I'm allowed to make an exception to my own rule.
Ronnie: Yeah, but we've been making those exceptions a lot lately, especially when it comes to Jason and Sonny.
Mac: Are you questioning my authority?
Ronnie: No. No, more like Dante's judgment, ok? Jason Morgan is at the top of the most wanted list. And Dante's treating him like de facto cop. You don't have a problem with that?

Mac was basically like, "Nope, no problem with that at all. Yeah, it's 'against the rules' and 'hypocritical', but only one person can sit in judgment of me and that person is Jason, so suck it" and Ronnie and I made the same befuddled face, mouth agape, eyes narrowed with disgust.

Oh! So then, Jason and Dante charged into the tense hostage crisis, guns blazing, like something straight out of an episode of a 70s cop show (a comedy, in particular).

Gunsblazing 
And then Lisa made a run for it and Dante chased her out into the hallway, where she was soon knocked unconscious.

Chase 

Outcold 
For reasons that do not exist, Dante dragged Lisa's unconscious body back into the conference room and handcuffed her. Figuring that the situation was under control, because an unsupervised room in a hospital is nearly the same as being in police custody, Dante strolled around GH and had a heart-to-heart with Maxie.

(At this point, I actually felt bad about myself for watching this. Like...I was filled with shame)

Then Lisa...unlocked her handcuffs? With one of the paperclips from the pile she had passed out in?

Paperclips 
And Patrick and Robin didn't hear her, because the writers were like, "Why are you asking so many questions?! ART DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!"? And then she jumped up from behind the couch all crazy-like?

Lurkerlisa 
And grabbed Robin and held a syringe filled with drain cleaner to her throat!

Syringe 
Because Dante was like, "Well, if she got knocked unconscious after tripping over her own two feet, it stands to reason that she'll never wake up, period, let alone wake up and threaten someone with a weapon that she had hidden on her person, so frisking her is probably not even remotely necessary"! And I was like "This show is so fucking stupid and the writers have nothing but contempt for me!"

So Lisa talked some more and then all of a sudden, she and Patrick struggled and she stabbed herself with the syringe.

LisadyingAnd...that's it. After a year of crazy plots, attempted murder, stalking and kidnapping that took place on an endless loop, Lisa is in a coma and out of our lives--am I jinxing myself by saying this?--forever. FINALLY! If the writers had continued to tread water any longer, I probably would have been the one to start taking hostages. Maybe that's why absolutely nothing about this resolution made sense on any level; the writers were just so anxious to put us all out of our misery that they cobbled together a few ideas and filmed them.

The characters were as over this as we all are, because after this near-death experience, Robin took a break from her busy "coping with almost getting killed" schedule to deliver test results to Sam and Jason, like not even a thing had happened.

(Also, after an episode of Sam saying she didn't think she's pregnant, she found out that she's not pregnant. THRILL-ING!)

Divider

Oh, Spinelli survived his shooting. It was all very tense and dramatic*. The most important thing to know is that the writing is on the wall for a Maxie/Spinelli reunion. Or, should I say, the writing is scrawled on the wall in an evil, psychotic matter in the nature of REDRUM in The Shining.

Spixie 
*Lie: the show took a break from all things tense and dramatic to give us zany music and an interlude with Spinelli's noir detective alter ego. Horrible.

Divider

But there was a bright spot. A single, solitary bright spot. Elizabeth told Lucky the truth and confessed that he is Aiden's father. And she did it all in the first two minutes of the show, in the form of Rebecca Herbst! Martha Madison did a pretty good job of stepping in temporarily, but the past few weeks have not been the same without Herbst; I missed her bitchface immensely. And, you know, her emotional connection to and history with the story. But also the bitchface.

So Lucky knows the truth! He was at first angry, and thought Liz was lying to him to keep him from falling off the wagon.

Lucky: You want to hear how many times I held him in my arms and prayed to god that he was my son? Why are you telling me this now? I mean, do you like playing god or something? Giving me things and then taking them away and giving them back like some kind of savior? Stop tormenting me! Just leave me alone. Just let me go.

Lucky 
But she--heartbreakingly--explained her side of the story.

Elizabeth: I got the tests in the mail. I was opening the envelope, reading the results. The truth about Aiden, when Jakey ran out the front door. That's what I was doing. That's why I wasn't paying attention. After he got hit, it just seemed like nothing else mattered, and it was one of those "be careful what you wish for" type moments, because I wanted you to be Aiden's father more than anything. I just didn't realize I'd have to pay for it with Jake's life.

Liz 
BH and JJ were so, so good.

Elizabeth: I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I'm going to tell you anyway. You're stronger than your dad. You are, Lucky, you are and I believe in you. I always have and I always will.
Lucky: You always know how to talk me down from the edge, don't you? (Grabs her hand)

Hands 
Mallory: (Flails!)
Lucky: You saved me tonight, Elizabeth. Your faith in me. And I'm going to try to not let you down.
Elizabeth: You could never let me down.

So, so good!

All this and SIobhan is out of the shortest coma ever! It's like actual, legitimate entertainment! I'm sure it will now be backburnered indefinitely and Nikolas will learn the truth about Aiden off-screen. You know, all the things we've come to expect from this show.

Comments

The whole show was horrible. I can't believe they are even thinking of putting Maxie back into that hell. One unending fantasy from the 1950's... that's just what GH needs.

The Liz and Lucky scenes were adorable. Scrubs were robbed of their story at the 11th hour.

I'm just not sure I even want to watch anymore of this for awhile I think since TB is coming I can hold out until the end of July when Wolf puts his spin on it. I just can't take it anymore and the storylines don't interest me. I wanted to check out how it went.

Stefan, Tony, Georgie, Emily, Justus, Alan, AJ die, but Lisa gets to live?!?! F.U.G.

I was re-reading the "General Hospital: Killing Machine" Feb 2008 article and found this comment by Kle:
"BJ died during the Labine era. I shudder to think how tacky and offensive one of the best and most memorable storylines in soap history would have been if Guza wrote it."

vm...Add Jake to that list of folks who died under Guza's poisoned pen.

Okay, I am tired of Liz having to use a baby to save Lucky's life. He wouldn't go to rehab for Liz and Cam, but the minute he found out that a "Spencer" baby was on the way he ran to rehab! Now, he's about to fall into a bottle of booze and "Aiden" is being used to save his life. Lucky needs to go to rehab until he gets his addictions under control and stop using Liz's kids to stay clean.

So they took Spinelli nearly dying, with Maxie and Jason and Sam all serious, sober, and concerned, and... made it into a zany "noir" fantasy? Holy tone-whiplash, Batman! Also, W. T. F! You know, I actually watched and enjoyed Friday's show and the first half of yesterday's, but then it's right back to awfulness and me not-watching!

I did have to chuckle at the fact that everything Ronnie was saying abut Jason was factually and morally correct, but he's just such an annoying douche with a shoe polish dye-job that it lost all moral authority. Absolutely no author manipulation there!

Just dreck. The whole hospital crisis closed like a weird afterschool special with Robin, Uncle Mac and Patrick chuckling as if no one had been nearly killed. Robin casually saunters off to deliver JaSam pregnancy results in a hospital corridor like business as usual. Seriously? The last three episodes were awful with the exception if Kristen Storms and the return of Rebecca Herbst.

Also, I am so sick to death of Lucky. He has joined the ranks of Jason and Dante for me. Glad the paternity reveal was swift but every scene with Lucky is Emmy-bait for Jonathan Jackson. Today, Rebecca Herbst mostly stood and received Jonathan Jackson's monologue. He is a fantastic actor but Lucky Spencer has become completely unappealing. His constant crying and whining. His reckless behavior and burning down his childhood home with no care of Laura, Leslie or public safety was too much for me. And Siobhan's reaction was absurd and like "aw shucks, you set a fire that nearly killed me_ no biggie!" Again, WTF? A normal person would have reacted with fear and/or disgust at the thought of someone burning down a building. I am so tired of Lucky's pain induced by Luke's pain and we cannot forget Jason's pain. Only someone with a penis is allowed to feel pain or anger in Port Chuck. Ugh.

While I am one of those who would like a Maxie/Spinelli reunion, and while I am looking forward to Spinelli having a little more front-and-centre time, I am definitely not looking forward to Spinelli's post-shooting issues being played for laughs. If the writers want to alter his personality, by all means, go for it!! But not his fantasy-version of himself.

I think we all can agree that Bradford Anderson is a gifted comedian. However, my favourite Spin moments are when he plays it straight. When he drops all of the nicknames and starts acting like a grown up: like the non-wedding or when he wouldn't take Maxie back. I look forward to those moments (far and few between though they may be).

Also, the writers need to let him move out of Jason's penthouse. Keeping him there makes him look like a child. He's been there for how many years now? For crying out loud, he works for the mob AND has his own PI business! The man can afford to live on his own.

One more thing (I promise): is anyone else wishing that GH would delve into Spin's backgroud a little more? Meet his parents, learn some deep dark secrets from his past, etc.

Do they even have medical consultants on this show? Lisa injects herself with cleaning fluid--not even that much--and she immediately lapses into a coma.

The whole hostage thing was completely contrived from start to finish. Ugh.

I saw a lot of nasty comments about the LL2 scenes on the web. People thought they were anti-climatic. I thought they were fantastic. BH and JJ are still stunning together! I won't even touch the Lisa/Scrubs/Spixie/Dante, etc. story because it jumped the shark after Lisa threw herself in front of Robin's moving vehicle ( it was awesome, but how could you go up from that amazing wackiness?)

And also congrats to Vanessa Marcil (last name redacted because it is hard to spell and for historical reasons) because she announced she is pregnant. Love it when pretty people procreate!!!!

IA with the ones that are sick of Lucky's pain. First off, I'm not totally convinced that Lucky is so 'in love' with Cam and Jake as he pretends to be. Like someone pointed out, Cam wasn't enough to make him go to rehab the first time, so Elizabeth had to tell him a 'Spencer' child was on the way to make him do that. His constant crying and whining for the past few weeks haven't been so much about Jake's death but more so about Luke's drinking problem and the way Luke has hurt his feelings. Feels like Jake is more of an afterthought to Lucky. But then again, Cake has always been an afterthought to Lucky since the whole travesty of Elizabeth being written OOC for the Niz affair with Lucky going in and out of town on whims without even thinking about Cake and not even bothering to let the kids live with him when their mother went away to SB. Now once again Cam is not enough for Lucky to rethink about spiraling(after all he's only seen Cam one time since Jake's death and that was because Cam called him worried about Elizabeth)so Elizabeth has to once again tell him that he has a bio kid because evidently she's learned since the first time around that those kids that Lucky claims to love as his very own will not be taken into consideration for a means for him to stop spiraling. And just to reinterate, Lucky isn't spiraling because of Jake, he's spiraling because his daddy who has always been a little on the wishy-washy side when it came to fatherhood anyway hurt his feelings. Second, the scene between Lucky and Elizabeth points out how self absorbed Lucky is. Elizabeth tells him that Aiden is really his and he spends like 90% of the convo talking about himself like he has practically done with almost every convo he has had with anyone in the past few weeks. Then we have to endure the torture of Elizabeth once again enabling him and telling this weak man who does nothing but cry and whine how strong and capable he is in order to boost his ego. And really, all I was looking forward to was this torture to end so Elizabeth could get away from his snotting and stop enabling him. Hopefully, and I'm crossing fingers here, that role can be turned over to his wife so that Elizabeth can once and for all be free of having to be the 'you're the strongest man I know' cheerleader in order to to build up Lucky's weak mind and ego.

And yes, I know it's people that think that JJ is a great actor. I happen to disagree because I think he's limited and when I picture Lucky, JJ no longer fits that mold for me so seeing him on my screen constantly is killer enough. But then you add on his constant 'go to' to express any feeling whether sadness, anger, grief, disappointment, happiness, etc which is always crying, and it makes seeing him even worse because you're pretty much sure how the scene/convo is going to end. In almost every conversation he has, a tear will happen. And really, I'm tired of other actors having to downplay their talents or just have a few lines during scenes whereas he has these long winded monologues in order for him to have his many choices of emmy reels next year.

Sorry this is so long...but I had to get it out.

Just when I thought the metro court hostage situation was the worst ever, I was proven wrong again today. Often, I wonder how the in world Guza got his job to begin with.

I'm hanging in there though, to see what Garin Wolf will do.

I was really hoping that Maxie could move on and be with Matt. I'm not much of a Spinelli fan, but I do like Bradford Anderson a lot.

When Dante was on the roof w/Maxie I wondered did he even think about whether Lisa was just still laying on the conf room floor or what. He abandons his prisoner to go have a heart-to-heart about Spinelli. Who the heck is in charge? I have never understood why Guza writes the PCPD as so inept. And yes the one person who speaks the truth (Ronnie) is made out to be such a jerk that we are supposed to think he is an idiot and everything he says about the almightly Jason is totally unfair. Also, I was hoping that Robin would have used some kind of self-defense move on Lisa to save herself instead of Patrick saving her. Didn't her spy parents teach her anything??

Come on now.... did you actually think that Robin (who was taught self-defense I believe back in the day if my memory serves) would actually save herself. Women aren't allowed to do that on this show its got to be da man. LoL that's the Guza-way.

Not only that through this whole thing with Lisa Robin didn't display the sleuthing smarts she garnered from her Int'l super spy parents and Anna was a double agent.

I actually watched Monday's and Yesterday's episosdes. I haven't watched since Lisa came on the scene.


All I have to say is I actually enjoyed the episodes just for the simple fact that Sonny and Carly weren't in them.

Plus it seems Lisa would make a better lawyer for Casey Anthony then the one who's her lead now.

Great post Kermitklein! You made a much more eloquent argument than I did about being over Lucky.

Also, Kelly, I only love Spinelli BECAUSE of his subtle, beautifully-delivered, serious moments. I agree with everything you said about the character.

If that was a Dante/Maxie chem test, I say bring it on, because I really liked their scenes together.

Petty comment: I was glad to see that Becky's eyebrows were not overly manufactured. (Seriously, they distract like whoa.)

Siobhan LIVED? Oh for hell's sake, why? What's the point of her?

Gawd save me from a Maxie/Spin reunion. Of course my poor Matt is forever backburned so Kirsten won't get screen time paired with him.

As to Bradford/Spin, the actor is very nice in real life - a great guy. his character however SUCKS in a major, major way. Been over that guy since about 2 days after he first showed up in Port Charles.

If they MUST move Maxie on from Matt, then fine, put her with Dante. I don't really care for him either but ANYBODY, I repeat ANYBODY is better than Spixie, Part 39238347.

You are totally jinxing yourself, Mal, b/c the simple fact is the bitch is not dead. Of course they're going to bring her back. Of course. It will never be over. Why the tiic don't want to let go of this character, I'll never know. I couldn't even rejoice at Lisa injecting herself b/c all it did was put her into a coma. WTF?

Also, I hate that something so serious as Spinelli almost dying is going to be played for laughs, but it's what I've come to expect.

I think the Lucky and Elizabeth scenes were good yesterday, but I hate that, once again, Cameron is an oversight to Lucky. I'm glad Elizabeth said that after Jake died the paternity results didn't seem to matter b/c she's right. She's dealing with enough, now she has to deal with the mess Helena made.

I don't know what to say about Dante, but between him fighting for Jason to handle the hostage situation (again I ask WTF?) and not properly apprehending Lisa and Lucky walking away from the whole thing like it was optional to be a cop at that moment and Mac forgetting logic (which, btw, I'll take b/c I was totes happy to see him), it's clear that Ronnie may be the only hope for PC. He was the only one making any sense.

This was also a good Maxie day. KS was good, too.

Lastly, not that I ever expect anyone to have pointed this out on the show, but how did Sam's possible pregnancy come to be? I think the doctors would have picked up on the fact that Sam was pregnant before the procedure, b/c if that was the case, they wouldn't have performed it, yes? Then, after the procedure the healing process was said to be for weeks. Then, it's pointed out that Sam returned to work too early and started having cramps. Since it's clear she's been healing, I don't think she and Jason did anything. Are any of them aware that sex should probably have taken place for a pregnancy to happen? I'm just gonna throw that out there.

To "No more GH for me": SO with you on every count. I cannot stand Spinelli, and I don't want him back with Maxie. I liked hearing that Matt (hottie!!) & Maxie were dating (?-I don't watch any more, I just read this blog), so the idea of them reconciling Spixie is annoying as h#ll. That character is an idiot, mostly because of the St. Jasus worship. Bradford I'm sure is delightful, but Spinelli? ON. MY. NERVES. Even indirectly...just reading about him is annoying.

Oh realbrenda4evr...thank you, I was so busy on my Lucky diatribe that I completely forgot to bring that up. I too wondered how anyone could possibly think Sam was pregnant when it kind of solidified last week that Jason didn't think she was healed enough to go on a stake out so I highly doubt he had sex with her. I give Robin a pass because Sam dodged all over the pregnancy question by not telling Robin that her and Jason haven't had sex, but just went with the I'm not on birth control. Made me also think Jason was just humoring Sam's crazy ass because clearly last week when Sam first told him they were running a pregnancy test, he had this WTF look on his face on how she could possibly be pregnant. Spin I just have no words for where his thought process comes from and why he would even assume that she's pregnant. But then again I was floored at Sam's self absorption also. Spin is shot, in surgery, might die and she's spent majority of her time talking about herself and her cramps. Then pushes Jason out the door when he clearly wanted to stay to at least see Spin wake up after his surgery on the grounds that Maxie and an unconscious Spin needed alone time.

Sidenote: I find KeMo's 'rambling' awful. I wish the writers would stop trying to write Sam as a rambler when because KeMo can not pull it off IMO. I say just leave the rambling up to Maxie because KS pulls it off 100% better.

I'm not particularly a Liz fan, but just the recap & screencaps of this LL2 scene had me "awww"-ing. Brilliant job, Mallory! I have no comment on the Lisa shenanigans.

"Martha Madison did a pretty good job of stepping in temporarily."

My god, Mallory, you are a generous critic! I've been watching soaps for 30 years and I have to say that MM is one of the worst actresses I've ever seen. I cannot comprehend how she has twice recast such appealing soap heroines. She's wooden, lackluster and has the disposition of a New Canaan housewife on a cocktail of lithium and barbiturates. During her "rage against Steve and Olivia scenes," I actually wondered if they had begun medicating Liz to help her deal with the stress of Jake's death. I kept expecting them to pat her on the head and tell her that it's okay, she's just confused because of the drugs.

I'm sorry to post again, but apparently I've hit a personal nerve about Martha Madison and I need to get it out. I recently watched some old scenes with her as Belle on DOOL and have only now just placed how out of time she seems to be in her acting. I feel like the only kind of part she would shine in is as one of the those random Brett Easton Ellis 80s characters who is too vapid and out of it to recognize that she's dating a psychopath, sociopath or vampire. It's been a long while since I've read any of BEE's books, but I've been scratching my brain trying to find something complementary to say about her acting style, because it's too weird.

Needless to say, I'm happy to have Becky Herbst back, but I hope the recasting gave TPTB some insight into the gem that she is. Liz has always been a complex character--an essentially good girl, with a dark side and a touch of snark. And, man, can BH work the brow.

If JJ is a so-called acting genius, WHY did he have to comeback to daytime television to prove it.

So, does Lisa become to Robin what Oliva was to Anna? The crazy blonde that seemingly could get away with anything? She'll make it out of her 'drain cleaner coma' with no memory of her actions - and will get placed in a mental facility, only to re-emerge a little later hell bent on revenge...

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