Limping Along To A Spectacularly Unsatisfying Conclusion
The denouements to most General Hospital stories are ridiculous and illogical, as if they were conceived in the midst of a fever dream and jotted down on napkins before hastily being handed out to the actors who were already on set, waiting to tape their scenes, but the end of Lisa's overlong reign of terror was staggering in its what-the-fuckery.
After sneaking into General Hospital with a cunning security guard disguise, Lisa engaged in all sorts of supervillainy, such as taking people hostage, ranting at length about her hatred of Robin and shooting Spinelli. She then segued into an extended (and tortured) courtroom metaphor, putting the rest of Port Charles on trial for the crime of ruining her life.
Lisa: You are all so repressed that you'd rather burn me at the stake then admit that people cheat. I am not the one who is on trial. You are. And you are all found guilty of scapegoating. For blaming me for your inabilities in life, for attacking my character, for destroying my career. You took away everything that I worked so hard for. And the punishment is death.
What about the crime of boring people to tears, my good lady?! You are guilty on all counts! HA! Hoisted by your own insane petard.
Incidentally, I had to cut about 2/3 of that soliloquy out, because the quote was eating up the entire page. To say that crazy bitch is verbose is an understatement. Is there anything more irksome than an overly chatty whackjob?
Yes, there is, actually, and that's this show's steadfast devotion to Jason, The Holy Hitman And Knower Of All Things. He saved the day, natch, and did so with the complete blessing of the police commissioner! Not only did Mac practically moon over Jason's heroism and status as PC deity, but he and Dante actually lectured Ronnie when the latter was less than enthused about turning a police situation over to a hired killer.
Dante: Ronnie, saving these people's lives is a hell of a lot more important than the grudge you carry around. Try and remember that.
Yeah, Ronnie, try and remember that murder is only bad when it's not mob-related!
(Also, I'm incapable of even typing the name Ronnie without having it narrated in my head by Sammi from Jersey Shore, so this segment of the post is seriously difficult for me)
Ronnie:I thought the department wasn't allowed to cooperate with the mob anymore. Isn't that what you said?
Mac: Yeah, I meant it.
Ronnie: Then what's Morgan doing inside the building?
Mac: I'm allowed to make an exception to my own rule.
Ronnie: Yeah, but we've been making those exceptions a lot lately, especially when it comes to Jason and Sonny.
Mac: Are you questioning my authority?
Ronnie: No. No, more like Dante's judgment, ok? Jason Morgan is at the top of the most wanted list. And Dante's treating him like de facto cop. You don't have a problem with that?
Mac was basically like, "Nope, no problem with that at all. Yeah, it's 'against the rules' and 'hypocritical', but only one person can sit in judgment of me and that person is Jason, so suck it" and Ronnie and I made the same befuddled face, mouth agape, eyes narrowed with disgust.
Oh! So then, Jason and Dante charged into the tense hostage crisis, guns blazing, like something straight out of an episode of a 70s cop show (a comedy, in particular).
For reasons that do not exist, Dante dragged Lisa's unconscious body back into the conference room and handcuffed her. Figuring that the situation was under control, because an unsupervised room in a hospital is nearly the same as being in police custody, Dante strolled around GH and had a heart-to-heart with Maxie.
(At this point, I actually felt bad about myself for watching this. Like...I was filled with shame)
Then Lisa...unlocked her handcuffs? With one of the paperclips from the pile she had passed out in?
And Patrick and Robin didn't hear her, because the writers were like, "Why are you asking so many questions?! ART DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!"? And then she jumped up from behind the couch all crazy-like?
Because Dante was like, "Well, if she got knocked unconscious after tripping over her own two feet, it stands to reason that she'll never wake up, period, let alone wake up and threaten someone with a weapon that she had hidden on her person, so frisking her is probably not even remotely necessary"! And I was like "This show is so fucking stupid and the writers have nothing but contempt for me!"
So Lisa talked some more and then all of a sudden, she and Patrick struggled and she stabbed herself with the syringe.
And...that's it. After a year of crazy plots, attempted murder, stalking and kidnapping that took place on an endless loop, Lisa is in a coma and out of our lives--am I jinxing myself by saying this?--forever. FINALLY! If the writers had continued to tread water any longer, I probably would have been the one to start taking hostages. Maybe that's why absolutely nothing about this resolution made sense on any level; the writers were just so anxious to put us all out of our misery that they cobbled together a few ideas and filmed them.
The characters were as over this as we all are, because after this near-death experience, Robin took a break from her busy "coping with almost getting killed" schedule to deliver test results to Sam and Jason, like not even a thing had happened.
(Also, after an episode of Sam saying she didn't think she's pregnant, she found out that she's not pregnant. THRILL-ING!)
Oh, Spinelli survived his shooting. It was all very tense and dramatic*. The most important thing to know is that the writing is on the wall for a Maxie/Spinelli reunion. Or, should I say, the writing is scrawled on the wall in an evil, psychotic matter in the nature of REDRUM in The Shining.
But there was a bright spot. A single, solitary bright spot. Elizabeth told Lucky the truth and confessed that he is Aiden's father. And she did it all in the first two minutes of the show, in the form of Rebecca Herbst! Martha Madison did a pretty good job of stepping in temporarily, but the past few weeks have not been the same without Herbst; I missed her bitchface immensely. And, you know, her emotional connection to and history with the story. But also the bitchface.
So Lucky knows the truth! He was at first angry, and thought Liz was lying to him to keep him from falling off the wagon.
Lucky: You want to hear how many times I held him in my arms and prayed to god that he was my son? Why are you telling me this now? I mean, do you like playing god or something? Giving me things and then taking them away and giving them back like some kind of savior? Stop tormenting me! Just leave me alone. Just let me go.
Elizabeth: I got the tests in the mail. I was opening the envelope, reading the results. The truth about Aiden, when Jakey ran out the front door. That's what I was doing. That's why I wasn't paying attention. After he got hit, it just seemed like nothing else mattered, and it was one of those "be careful what you wish for" type moments, because I wanted you to be Aiden's father more than anything. I just didn't realize I'd have to pay for it with Jake's life.
Elizabeth: I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I'm going to tell you anyway. You're stronger than your dad. You are, Lucky, you are and I believe in you. I always have and I always will.
Lucky: You always know how to talk me down from the edge, don't you? (Grabs her hand)
So, so good!
All this and SIobhan is out of the shortest coma ever! It's like actual, legitimate entertainment! I'm sure it will now be backburnered indefinitely and Nikolas will learn the truth about Aiden off-screen. You know, all the things we've come to expect from this show.