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« As The Cuteness Continues... | Main | Second Lives for One Life to Live Characters, Installment #1 »

June 21, 2011

Limping Along To A Spectacularly Unsatisfying Conclusion

The denouements to most General Hospital stories are ridiculous and illogical, as if they were conceived in the midst of a fever dream and jotted down on napkins before hastily being handed out to the actors who were already on set, waiting to tape their scenes, but the end of Lisa's overlong reign of terror was staggering in its what-the-fuckery.

After sneaking into General Hospital with a cunning security guard disguise, Lisa engaged in all sorts of supervillainy, such as taking people hostage, ranting at length about her hatred of Robin and shooting Spinelli. She then segued into an extended (and tortured) courtroom metaphor, putting the rest of Port Charles on trial for the crime of ruining her life.

Lisa: You are all so repressed that you'd rather burn me at the stake then admit that people cheat. I am not the one who is on trial. You are. And you are all found guilty of scapegoating. For blaming me for your inabilities in life, for attacking my character, for destroying my career. You took away everything that I worked so hard for. And the punishment is death.

What about the crime of boring people to tears, my good lady?! You are guilty on all counts! HA! Hoisted by your own insane petard.

Incidentally, I had to cut about 2/3 of that soliloquy out, because the quote was eating up the entire page. To say that crazy bitch is verbose is an understatement. Is there anything more irksome than an overly chatty whackjob?  

Yes, there is, actually, and that's this show's steadfast devotion to Jason, The Holy Hitman And Knower Of All Things. He saved the day, natch, and did so with the complete blessing of the police commissioner! Not only did Mac practically moon over Jason's heroism and status as PC deity, but he and Dante actually lectured Ronnie when the latter was less than enthused about turning a police situation over to a hired killer.

Dante: Ronnie, saving these people's lives is a hell of a lot more important than the grudge you carry around. Try and remember that.

Yeah, Ronnie, try and remember that murder is only bad when it's not mob-related!

(Also, I'm incapable of even typing the name Ronnie without having it narrated in my head by Sammi from Jersey Shore, so this segment of the post is seriously difficult for me)

Ronnie:I thought the department wasn't allowed to cooperate with the mob anymore. Isn't that what you said?
Mac: Yeah, I meant it.
Ronnie: Then what's Morgan doing inside the building?
Mac: I'm allowed to make an exception to my own rule.
Ronnie: Yeah, but we've been making those exceptions a lot lately, especially when it comes to Jason and Sonny.
Mac: Are you questioning my authority?
Ronnie: No. No, more like Dante's judgment, ok? Jason Morgan is at the top of the most wanted list. And Dante's treating him like de facto cop. You don't have a problem with that?

Mac was basically like, "Nope, no problem with that at all. Yeah, it's 'against the rules' and 'hypocritical', but only one person can sit in judgment of me and that person is Jason, so suck it" and Ronnie and I made the same befuddled face, mouth agape, eyes narrowed with disgust.

Oh! So then, Jason and Dante charged into the tense hostage crisis, guns blazing, like something straight out of an episode of a 70s cop show (a comedy, in particular).

Gunsblazing 
And then Lisa made a run for it and Dante chased her out into the hallway, where she was soon knocked unconscious.

Chase 

Outcold 
For reasons that do not exist, Dante dragged Lisa's unconscious body back into the conference room and handcuffed her. Figuring that the situation was under control, because an unsupervised room in a hospital is nearly the same as being in police custody, Dante strolled around GH and had a heart-to-heart with Maxie.

(At this point, I actually felt bad about myself for watching this. Like...I was filled with shame)

Then Lisa...unlocked her handcuffs? With one of the paperclips from the pile she had passed out in?

Paperclips 
And Patrick and Robin didn't hear her, because the writers were like, "Why are you asking so many questions?! ART DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!"? And then she jumped up from behind the couch all crazy-like?

Lurkerlisa 
And grabbed Robin and held a syringe filled with drain cleaner to her throat!

Syringe 
Because Dante was like, "Well, if she got knocked unconscious after tripping over her own two feet, it stands to reason that she'll never wake up, period, let alone wake up and threaten someone with a weapon that she had hidden on her person, so frisking her is probably not even remotely necessary"! And I was like "This show is so fucking stupid and the writers have nothing but contempt for me!"

So Lisa talked some more and then all of a sudden, she and Patrick struggled and she stabbed herself with the syringe.

LisadyingAnd...that's it. After a year of crazy plots, attempted murder, stalking and kidnapping that took place on an endless loop, Lisa is in a coma and out of our lives--am I jinxing myself by saying this?--forever. FINALLY! If the writers had continued to tread water any longer, I probably would have been the one to start taking hostages. Maybe that's why absolutely nothing about this resolution made sense on any level; the writers were just so anxious to put us all out of our misery that they cobbled together a few ideas and filmed them.

The characters were as over this as we all are, because after this near-death experience, Robin took a break from her busy "coping with almost getting killed" schedule to deliver test results to Sam and Jason, like not even a thing had happened.

(Also, after an episode of Sam saying she didn't think she's pregnant, she found out that she's not pregnant. THRILL-ING!)

Divider

Oh, Spinelli survived his shooting. It was all very tense and dramatic*. The most important thing to know is that the writing is on the wall for a Maxie/Spinelli reunion. Or, should I say, the writing is scrawled on the wall in an evil, psychotic matter in the nature of REDRUM in The Shining.

Spixie 
*Lie: the show took a break from all things tense and dramatic to give us zany music and an interlude with Spinelli's noir detective alter ego. Horrible.

Divider

But there was a bright spot. A single, solitary bright spot. Elizabeth told Lucky the truth and confessed that he is Aiden's father. And she did it all in the first two minutes of the show, in the form of Rebecca Herbst! Martha Madison did a pretty good job of stepping in temporarily, but the past few weeks have not been the same without Herbst; I missed her bitchface immensely. And, you know, her emotional connection to and history with the story. But also the bitchface.

So Lucky knows the truth! He was at first angry, and thought Liz was lying to him to keep him from falling off the wagon.

Lucky: You want to hear how many times I held him in my arms and prayed to god that he was my son? Why are you telling me this now? I mean, do you like playing god or something? Giving me things and then taking them away and giving them back like some kind of savior? Stop tormenting me! Just leave me alone. Just let me go.

Lucky 
But she--heartbreakingly--explained her side of the story.

Elizabeth: I got the tests in the mail. I was opening the envelope, reading the results. The truth about Aiden, when Jakey ran out the front door. That's what I was doing. That's why I wasn't paying attention. After he got hit, it just seemed like nothing else mattered, and it was one of those "be careful what you wish for" type moments, because I wanted you to be Aiden's father more than anything. I just didn't realize I'd have to pay for it with Jake's life.

Liz 
BH and JJ were so, so good.

Elizabeth: I know you don't want to hear this right now, but I'm going to tell you anyway. You're stronger than your dad. You are, Lucky, you are and I believe in you. I always have and I always will.
Lucky: You always know how to talk me down from the edge, don't you? (Grabs her hand)

Hands 
Mallory: (Flails!)
Lucky: You saved me tonight, Elizabeth. Your faith in me. And I'm going to try to not let you down.
Elizabeth: You could never let me down.

So, so good!

All this and SIobhan is out of the shortest coma ever! It's like actual, legitimate entertainment! I'm sure it will now be backburnered indefinitely and Nikolas will learn the truth about Aiden off-screen. You know, all the things we've come to expect from this show.

Comments

Why the hell do they refer to ever hostage situation as "the hostage crisis?" Who TALKS like that!? If I talk about people being taken hostage, I say, when so-and-so, or such-and-such were held hostage, I don't say, "did you hear about the hostage CRISIS!"

Since they also still refer to the Metro Court incident as "the hostage crisis," I guess they'll have to now add "Batshit Crazy Lisa Hostage Crisis" and "Metro Court Hostage Crisis."

What the Crikey FUCK?

I was so happy to see Becky Herbst back to do this paternity reveal. Of course GH managed to take a lot of the drama out of this too but IA Becky and JJ were wonderful in those scenes. I admit I am not an LL2 fan or a Lucky fan but, JJ and Becky do work well together. I was really worried that MM might be the one to do these scenes so happy that didn't happen. Glad my girl and her bitch face are back and this secret is out in the open. Now hopefully the show will give her a story that isn't sad and miserable. Yeah I am totally delusional here.

TY for you calling them out on all the stupid crap. I was just plain tired of hearing about Lisa. the whole jm thing is puke worthy to me. It bugs me no end that Mac goes along with this and the one person who speaks up is accused of not caring about the lives inside. Stupid.

I want EW away from Lucky and as it stands jm also. give her a real man not two cartoon characters. I'm sick to death of jm hero worship and of LUcky crying all the time.

Please Mr. Wolf change this I'm begging

Wow, I am stunned by all the Lucky/JJ hate here. Was it really, really stupid of Lucky to burn down the Spencer house? Yes. Absolutely. He admitted it himself, I admit it, we all admit it. But with everything he's going through, I think it's understandable that he cracked for a moment. C'mon, guys, how would *you* handle knowing that your father killed your son? Just the fact that Lucky is still standing up strong and trying to deal with this horror of a situation as best he can shows how strong he is. He stood there and listened to his father say some of the most disgusting things I have ever heard someone say on GH, not the least that killing Lucky's son was liberating. I don't applaud him for responding to that by burning down a building, but I can understand why he fell apart. Anyone would.

And, yes, Lucky is stronger than Luke. Luke is not brave enough to admit he has a problem. Luke is not brave enough to put the people he loves before his pain. Luke is not brave enough to trust the people he loves to love him back unconditionally. Luke is not brave enough to accept responsibility and take care of anyone but himself. Lucky is brave enough to do all of those things. He is a far better man than his dad. He isn't perfect, but he admits his mistakes and always tries to do better. Lucky has supported Elizabeth in the past when she was falling apart, and she has done the same for him. That doesn't make either of them weak, and it doesn't make the other one an enabler. It means that they both know firsthand just how strong the other one is.

About valuing Aiden more than Cam, I didn't like that either, but I think the explanation he gave Siobhan yesterday, that he was worried about the Spencer DNA coming out in Aiden and he doesn't have to worry about that with Cam, is the reason GH is expecting us to swallow. It's idiotic, yes, but I blame that on bad writing and not on Lucky.

Anyway, I thought the scenes with Lucky and Elizabeth were amazing. LOL, Mallory, I was flailing too when he took her hand.

I really don't think Maxie and Matt were given a real chance, especially the chance that Kirsten Storms/Jason Cook/Shelle fans wanted to see because even though they've been sorta dating for like a year now, there's never been an actual storyline. I absolutely HATE the thought of Maxie getting back with someone as morally bankrupt and completely annoying as Spinelli. I loved Bradford Anderson when he guest-starred on Veronica Mars, but Spinelli is godawful.

I loved the Liz and Lucky scenes. JJ and Rebecca Herbst are just magic together. I thought the scenes were very understated, but you could still feel the heartache and love and the first glimmer of happiness for these two in a long time. I hope it's the start of the road back for LL2.

Siobhan - I have no words except that this character is useless. She's basically only ever interacted with 4 or 5 other people on the whole damn show, and those interactions were completely boring. And I am so sick of "It's not my secret to tell" being the story of these characters' lives. Ugh.

Dante should just quit pretending to be a cop and join the mob already.

Bravo kermitklein! I couldn't have said it better. Every single word had me cheering. Fabulous read!

Spot on about the state of the show.

Scrubs were robbed of their own story way long before this latest Guza-penned hostage crisis.

There is a subtle feel to the show that is very different and it's probably Garin Wolfe's influence. But if this episode and his interviews are any indication, then he has his own favorites and that means the status quo continues...hopefully in a better-written way. RME

GH sucks.

No more Spinelli, please. Not ever. No offense to Bradford Anderson because I like him, but the character of Spinelli is horrible and I don't care if I ever see him again. If Maxie goes back to that, I will have to fast forward through her scenes again. I'll be down to just watching Robin & Patrick, Matt, and Lucky.

I still love Lucky and JJ's portrayal of him. I'd rather watch JJ cry every damn day than ever see Jason, Sonny, Carly or Spinelli for one single second.

I was beyond pissed off when Jason was allowed to go in after Lisa and "save" the hostages. I bitched and bitched at the television and fast forwarded through his ugly mug as much as possible. To have even one cop praising him made me SICK. Damn, I hate this show so much. And that entire drama with Lisa going on and on and on as judge and jury was stupid, ridiculous and the opposite of entertaining. Man this show SUCKS.

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