Redefining "Life or Death Situation"
I mean, we all have different ideas of what we would do with our final moments if we indeed knew they were our final moments and were lucid for them. I would not presume to say that there is a "right" choice to make in such a situation. But I would go out on a limb and say there are a few things that would certainly not be on the list of possibilities. If, say, I were trapped in a room with an obvious carbon monoxide leak and I thought it was probable that death was imminent, for instance. If in that situation I had teenage son and a fiancé waiting for me at the courthouse for our wedding. If in that situation I came across a small tape recorder and happened to have a stock of AAA batteries right there in my purse, and I realized that in my final moments I had the chance to record a few words to leave for my loved ones -- not to mention a few words identifying the people responsible for my being trapped in a potentially deadly situation. If I accidentally realized there was already a recording on the tape of someone in a therapy session in which she might explain how she, as she put it, broke up two people I knew. If all of those elements lined up? Do you know what I can promise you I would not do? Here's what I would not do:
I would not spend several of my final moments listening to the tape. Because do you know what I would not care about in my possible final moments? Not in a million, trillion years? What some woman did to break up my friend and her fiancé.
Seriously so much of this show is spent on, "Hm, when Marty said she did something to break up <insert some variation of me and John, me and Natalie, Natalie and John here>, what could she possibly have meant?" First of all, it's absurd that no one's thought it might have something to do with the paternity test. But second of all, it really shouldn't be the greatest curiosity of a mother's (possibly) dying moments. And third of all? When John and Natalie first split, it made perfect sense to me because I understood it as John not being able to stay a with a woman who'd betrayed him so badly by lying to him (and planning to lie to him forever) about something so egregious. But now? John has spelled it out. It's not about that at all. He's thought about it and he understands why she lied. He still loves her. He forgives her. But he still can't be with her simply and only because she's the mother of a child that isn't his. That's it. That's his only reason for not being able to be with the woman he allegedly loves. So when this truth comes out, presto-change-o, the great loves can reunite! Do they not realize how bad this makes John look? And do they not realize how sad this will make Natalie look for inevitably taking back a man who is now admitting he's only rejecting her because she has a child that isn't his biologically? Okay, okay, I know I recently vowed to try to chill out about things that I'm anticipating but aren't actually happening (yet), so all right. I'll focus back on the here and now. Why the actual fuck does Gigi care what broke up Natalie and John right now??!
(Gigi looked really pretty for her wedding, though!)
I very much do not want to dignify the scenes of Tess and Ford overpowering, stripping, and tying up a legally-blind nun and then laughing about it (and making out afterwards declaring their "love" for one another) with internet space because someone might confuse that for implying that said scenes were in any way amusing farce, or sexy and romantic, or fun and campy, or anything resembling anything positive or worth watching, so instead I'll just assign those scenes one word: NO.
(And to think, almost a year ago I called Cole out for just sneering at a nun! Oh how far we've come.)