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« Necessary Words: A Round-Up | Main | As The Cuteness Continues... »

June 19, 2011

The 2011 Daytime Emmys Live Blogging Extravaganza!

Daytime's biggest night is here (pause for a second and reflect upon just how sad that sentence is!) and the three of us are here to comment in our usual hypercritical, foul-mouthed, and--hopefully!--hilarious way on what we're sure will be two hours of epic WTFery.

Click Play below to get the Live Blog started! And don't forget to leave comments here with your own hypercritical, foul-mouthed and hilarious observations.

UPDATE: After the jump, re-live the Emmys telecast, now with bonus screencaps!

7:54
Mallory:
So: just how loudly do you think we'll scream when General Hospital wins Outstanding Daytime Drama (I'm trying to lower my expectations as much as possible so that I have a chance at being pleasantly surprised)?

7:56
Becca Thomas:
You know this hasn't worked in the past. We temporarily are less stunned, but then the anger rises. Surely there is a more healthy option? I'm going with semi-drunkenness. I have a giant sweet tea vodka and lemonade on hand.

7:56
Louise:
I have a lovely cabernet. It could be a risk, depending on how painful this gets.

7:57
Becca Thomas:
I won't waste the good stuff on this. Do you have any moonshine?

7:57
Louise:
I should have run to the corner store to get some $3 bodega wine.

7:58
Becca Thomas:
There's still time! Depending on the proximity of the bodega, I imagine. And your interest in Wayne Brady's show-opener.

7:58
Mallory:
Seriously, it's a wine cooler kind of event. I'm on a sugar high at the moment, so I'll be bubbly for the bulk of the show, but when I crash, it will be ugly.

7:58
Becca Thomas:
You should time that to coincide with GH winning so that it's all truly a blur!

7:59
Louise:
It just dawned on me that this is going to be heavy on the Oprah deification, isn't it?

7:59
Becca Thomas:
OMG, you're right. Maybe we'll get cars!

7:59
Mallory:
Oh, totally. Oprah worship, some Pat Sajak smarm, Rachael Ray...hooting and hollering at who even knows what. It's going to be a long two hours.

8:00
Becca Thomas:
Why did I want to do this, again?

8:00
Louise:
It's only two hours? Oh, it's on!

8:00
Mallory:
Here we go! The "special" part of "Special presentation" sounds so foreboding.

8:01
Becca Thomas:
"Special" is one of those words that should be retired in the context of television.

8:01
Becca Thomas:
Especially after the "special" Grey's Anatomy episode. My god.

8:01
Louise:
This already cost more than they spent on OLTL in all of 2010

8:01
Mallory:
I have issues with people in creepy masks, so this off to a bad start for me.

MaskedDanceTroupOpener 
8:02
Louise:
I am horrified. Isn't this a scene from Eyes Wide Shut?

8:02
Becca Thomas:
Dare I ask the relevance of this routine? If one of you says these guys are on Days now, I'm out.

8:02
Becca Thomas:
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?

8:02
Louise: 
I'm a little traumatized.

8:03
Becca Thomas:
I am going to start downing this drink faster if this is where they're setting the bar for the evening.

8:03
Mallory:
I already give my TV the side-eye on a daily basis, and now I have to worry about blank-faced creepers pulling me through the screen and forcing me into an elaborate dance routine? No, thank you.

8:04
Louise:
This is a big deal? Who told Wayne that?

8:04
Mallory:
The same person who told him that Vegas is the entertainment capital of the world, methinks.

8:04
Becca Thomas:
And who told him this was a "banner year for daytime."

8:04
Mallory:
Oh, I like how we're starting the night off with a list of retirements and cancellations! So we can just start weeping into our cheap booze now.

8:05
Louise:
That's pretty much where I'm at already,

8:05
Becca Thomas:
Right. We're not allowed to already be weeping? Mal, I wish you would have told us!

8:05
Mallory:
Holy crap, Rachael Ray is surrounded by people who hate her. Who allowed her to wear that dress?

RachaelRayPennTeller 
8:05
Becca Thomas:
We've discussed this before, but WHO dresses Rachael Ray?

8:05
Becca Thomas:
Jinx!

8:06
Louise:
And why are non-soap people presenting this?

8:06
Becca Thomas:
Typical.

8:06
Mallory:
I really wish that they'd go back to the hilarious, ridiculous clips for the nominees! Brief screencaps aren't enough for me.

8:06
Louise:
Where's the fire? They could not be in a bigger hurry to get soap stuff out of the way.

8:07
Louise:
Of course they can't show clips; they have to do this HILARIOUS bit!

8:07
Becca Thomas:
Maybe they'd show clips if they weren't worried that with every second of film on the air, the cancellation clock clicks down.

8:07
Mallory:
But not hurried enough that they'd cut into Penn and Teller's shtick. Because this is what people tune in for! Lame shenanigans.

8:07
Becca Thomas:
I want the creepy Addidas track suit crew back.

8:08
Becca Thomas:
HOLY CRAP! A worthy winner! Go, Jonathan Jackson!

8:08
Becca Thomas:
Mal, are you able to breathe?

8:08
Louise:
Aw, he brought his kids. They are so cute.

JonathanJacksonAndKids 
8:08
Mallory:
Totally hyperventilating at the moment! A worthy winner and adorable kids! This is definitely going to be the high point of the show.

8:08
Becca Thomas:
Those are some cute kids.

8:09
Mallory:
Christel Khalil looks...appropriately Vegas.

8:09
Becca Thomas:
That was a whole lot of religion in a short time for me, but then I am a heathen.

8:09
Mallory:
Seriously, did they get the Micro Machine man to announce the nominees?!

8:09
Louise:
Isn't it nice of his church and savior to get so involved in Emmy success?

8:09
Becca Thomas:
It was very nice! So thoughtful.

8:10
Louise:
Well, as a newly-minted B&B viewer, yay Heather Tom! I like her on B&B so much more than I ever did on OLTL.

HeatherTomWinning 
8:10
Becca Thomas:
Mal, I think the pace is even faster than last year. Next year they'll just toss the statues to people as their limos arrive.

8:10
Mallory:
I loved Heather Tom on Y&R, so I'm excited for her! And I'm plotting a way to get all of her jewelry in my possession...

8:11
Becca Thomas:
Heather Tom seems worthy, to the extent I can say that about a show I don't watch. I trust you, Louise and Mal. Therefore I approve of her win. I'm sure this is of great comfort to her and the other 29 people nationwide paying attention to this evening's awards.

8:11
Mallory:
When I think of Daytime TV, I often think of dance troupes and also Elvis. Susan Lucci, what? Luke and Laura, who?

8:11
Louise:
They can do like the Tonys and give out most of the awards during ads, and tell us about it when they come back from commercial. I mean these on-air wins are just eating up air time from these fantastic musical numbers!

8:12
Becca Thomas:
Luke and Laura is a strip club over by the Hard Rock, isn't it?

8:12
Becca Thomas:
Elvis impersonators on all fours. That is someone's idea of entertainment, ladies.

ElvisNumberShowgirls 

ElvisNumberElvises 8:13
Mallory:
Why...you know, I was going to ask a really long question about the technicolor clothes and the way one dancer seemed to be wearing a radish costume, but I think "Why?" basically sums it up. Just why?

8:14
Louise:
My housemate who is in the next room doing some research just looked in. "What the hell does Vegas have to do with soaps?" I told him I assume they get a deal on the auditorium if they let the Vegas shows promote themselves in-show?

8:14
Becca Thomas:
That is an excellent summary. Doing it in the Nancy Kerrigan voice is the only way to improve it.

8:14
Becca Thomas:
I don't think even a FREE auditorium is worth....that.

8:14
Becca Thomas:
It's not even worth it if the show is paying the Emmys.

8:15
Becca Thomas:
I mean, you're probably right, but my god, who greenlit this?

8:15
Louise:
It's horrifying.

8:15
Becca Thomas:
I am thrilled by the reprieve of a commercial that involves a talking watermelon. That's how bad this is.

8:15
Mallory:
Remember on "Arrested Development" when Maeby became a studio executive? I see something similar happening here, except that the producer in question is either 105 or a toddler. A drunk and/or high 105 year old or toddler, specifically.

8:16
Louise:
The executive is, at the very least, certainly someone who has never viewed any television during the daytime.

8:17
Becca Thomas:
Which would be more understandable if this were on ABC...

8:17
Louise:
Too true.

8:17
Mallory:
I have a completely irrational hatred of The Doctors. I've never seen it, except at the gym when it's on mute, but I hate all of their faces.

TheDoctors 
8:18
Louise:
A tie! HISTORICAL!

8:18
Becca Thomas:
Hee.

8:18
Becca Thomas:
The look on Alex Trebek's face just now was priceless. "A tie?! The hell?"

AlexTrebek 
8:18
Mallory:
Did Alex Trebek smuggle in a magazine to read during this garbage? I may hate him, but...that's smart. Touche, Alex.

8:19
Becca Thomas:
I wish I had done the same. Maybe I can text my husband downstairs and have him bring me the new EW that Mal has informed me has a hilarious interview with Ryan Reynolds.

8:19
Mallory:
The producers are probably melting down right now. "WE DIDN'T SCHEDULE ENOUGH TIME FOR TWO SPEECHES. QUICK, CYANIDE CAPSULES FOR ALL!"

8:19
Becca Thomas:
They'll just cut some soap awards. No biggie.

8:20
Becca Thomas:
Vanna White is wearing a wedding dress.

8:20
Becca Thomas:
Vegas theme, maybe?

8:20
Mallory:
Jennifer Flavin Stallone? Is there a term for the opposite of name-dropping?

FlavinStallone 
8:21
Louise:
Oh good, more information about Vegas. I have so many questions about the city! I'm so glad they're filling us in!

8:21
Becca Thomas:
Seriously, there is just not enough info out there about Vegas! Or Jennifer Flavin Stallone, for that matter. Thank goodness we have CBS.

8:22
Louise:
I'm already starting to feel despondent.

8:22
Mallory:
Wow, city with shopping and restaurants?! This is amazing! Who knew that a utopia like Vegas existed?!

8:22
Becca Thomas:
Vegas is such a well-kept secret! Louise, you should crack open that cabernet, woman!

8:23
Mallory:
I have moved from being annoyed to being really sad for everyone involved in this.

8:23
Louise:
BUT WHAT IF I MISS SOMETHING?

8:23 
Mallory:
Marie Osmond continues to look like her own drag performer.

MarieOsmond 
8:23
Becca Thomas:
I highly recommend missing something!

8:23
Becca Thomas:
She's lip-syncing like her drag performer does, too.

8:24
Becca Thomas:
I would have sent my drag performer in my place to this fiasco. Which reminds me: I want a drag performer.

8:24
Mallory:
Is asking what the hell this has to do with anything just a waste of effort at this point? I wasn't paying attention to her intro because her sequins distracted me. I'm like a kitten.

8:24
Becca Thomas:
Something shiny!

8:24
Louise:
The next housemate quote: "Oh my GOD. I feel so sorry for you that you have to watch this! I've never seen anything even on the Oscars that's so unrelated to the matter at hand."

8:25
Becca Thomas:
Seriously! It's like they pulled performers out of a hat.

8:25
Mallory:
I am transfixed by her sparkly stripper shoes.

8:25
Becca Thomas:
A dated, untalented hat.

8:25
Becca Thomas:
Are you allowed to be an Osmond and wear stripper shoes? It seems unlikely.

8:25
Louise:
Kira Reed is back! Okay, this makes me VERY happy.

8:25
Mallory:
Those poor people are like, "Can we say thanks but no thanks to that whole performance, because ew".

8:26
Mallory:
Every teaser they do for upcoming "events" on this show is like a dare. "You think you have it in you to watch all night? What if we tell you CELINE DION will be there to CATERWAUL?! What then?!"

8:26
Becca Thomas:
Good god, pimping face cream on an awards show? This is, honestly, more sad-making with every moment that passes. This ceremony used to be much more fun to mock.

8:26
Louise:
Scariest words ever: "Later, Celine Dion sings to Oprah!" (Housemate: "Every man in America just shit himself.") (Should I just have my housemate blog instead?)

8:27
Becca Thomas:
Do you LIKE your housemate?

8:27
Louise:
Oh yeah. I do, so good point. He should escape now.

8:27
Becca Thomas:
Let him run free.

8:28
Becca Thomas:
Or at least free enough to fetch you that bodega wine.

8:29
Mallory:
"Prude meets dude" is, on the one hand, the dumbest thing I have ever heard. On the other hand, it puts the writing (as it were) for this show to shame.

8:30
Louise:
Expend tons of "The Chew" and "The Revolution" nominations in this category next year!

8:31
Mallory:
I'm sure Brian Frons will blackmail some people to make sure his new babies are eligible for Informative AND Entertainment Talk show awards.

8:31
Becca Thomas:
You guys are harshing my sweet tea vodka buzz.

8:32
Mallory:
Wayne Brady is pretty snarky tonight. I hope he's spending the commercial breaks berating his agent for talking him into this.

8:32
Becca Thomas:
Ha! I was just thinking that I liked his flash-mob quip about the Dr. Oz crew.

DrOzWins 
8:32
Louise:
Kim Matula is so pretty.

8:33
Becca Thomas:
Oh god, Mal, I know how you love the Massey brothers!

8:33
Mallory:
Everything about that introduction made my brain want to fold itself into a little origami white flag and just quit...quit life.

8:33
Becca Thomas:
Louise, I ask this honestly -- who is Kim Matula?

8:33
Becca Thomas:
Mal, you should wait to quit until GH wins best drama.

8:34
Louise:
She plays Hope on B&B. Brooke and Ridge's daughter. Well, she's not really Ridge's daughter but she's his honorary daughter.

8:34
Mallory:
Why are the Massey brothers on this show every year?! I just don't undersand the kids today, or the network executives today. Their shtick makes me ragey.

MasseyBrothers 
8:34
Becca Thomas:
Okay, so at least she's soap-related. I missed the intro, sorry!

8:34
Becca Thomas:
I didn't know who they were until the younger one was on Dancing with the Stars.

8:34
Becca Thomas:
I mean, I still don't know why they're famous or on this show, so I guess this wasn't helpful.

8:34
Mallory:
Look at Debbi Morgan and Darnell Williams, looking twenty years younger than they are. Bitches.

DebbiDarnel 
8:35
Becca Thomas:
It's really inconsiderate of them.

8:35
Louise:
Truly.

8:35
Mallory:
Looking twenty years younger than they are and giving a shout out to Boyz II Men, at that!

8:35
Louise:
That seems kind of wild that Y&R has only won this award 5 times over all these years.

YRWinsBestWriting 
8:36
Becca Thomas:
Did our friend Tom Casiello just win an Emmy? That's awesome.

8:36
Mallory:
Seriously! I'm sure GH stole some awards from them over the years.

8:36
Becca Thomas:
It's probably awesome in other ways, but I am self-centered.

8:36
Mallory:
And YES! Three huge cheers for the wonderful and awesome Tom Casiello.

8:36
Becca Thomas:
If GH has won any of the best writing awards in the last decade, they were stolen from someone.

8:36
Louise:
Who is Tom Casiello? Should I know this?

8:37
Becca Thomas:
He's a former Days and Y&R writer who was super supportive of Serial Drama in the earlier years.

8:37
Louise:
Oh cool! Then three huge cheers for him!!

8:39
Louise:
My housemate just gave up and left the house. He apologizes to all of you for not being able to provide me with quips all night long, but he couldn't take it anymore.

8:39
Becca Thomas:
I encourage everyone not required to watch this to SAVE THEMSELVES. Good on your housemate and all others who find freedom.

8:39
Mallory:
I am so happy and relieved for him!

8:40
Becca Thomas:
Tracy Bregman is...well-preserved.

8:40
Mallory:
Tracey E. Bregman looks appropriately Vegas as well, but I feel like that's her default state.

BregmanLeblanc 
8:40
Becca Thomas:
That was my nicest comment of the night so far. I would like a cookie.

8:41
Becca Thomas:
She does seem very Vegas-y. This is me still being kind of nice.

8:41
Becca Thomas:
For a second there I thought the Cash Cab winner was going to boycott this awful production and just get his award via FedEx.

CashCabHostWins8:41
Louise:
I hear someone mention Cash Cab almost every day. Tourists hailing cabs talk about it obsessively. They seem to always be convinced it's completely random and they really will get in the Cash Cab just by hailing down a regular yellow taxi outside Radio City.

8:41
Mallory:
Try and say something nice about the slit of that dress, B!

8:42
Mallory:
Do you allow the tourists to continue to be adorably naive, or do you wreck their dreams? I kind of hope it's the latter.

8:42
Becca Thomas:
Louise, that's kind of adorable! Mallory, don't push me to my limits so early on in the evening!

8:43
Louise:
Okay, Anderson Cooper I can get behind. So dreamy! I'm seeing him live on Tuesday and need to pick out a dress so he'll notice me in the crowd and whisk me away to a life of highly-produced cable news and piercing blue eyes.

CashCabHostWins 
8:43
Becca Thomas:
I can't believe they continue to humor The View with nominations.

8:43
Mallory:
Oh, super jealous, Louise! He is indeed dreamy.

8:43
Becca Thomas:
Agreed!

8:43
Becca Thomas:
I saw him in NYC and though I was in a cab and he was outside, just walking past, I'm fairly certain we bonded.

8:44
Louise:
I'm sure!

8:44
Mallory:
What's with the ties? Are the Emmy voters as disinterested and over it as we are?

8:44
Becca Thomas:
I don't think THAT's possible.

8:44
Becca Thomas:
Reg and Kelly couldn't even be bothered to show up!

8:44
Mallory

I am so glad that Kelly Ripa and her ADORABILITY saved herself from this.

8:45
Becca Thomas:
True -- she otherwise might have been contaminated.

8:45
Becca Thomas:
I like Marlee Matlin, but again, how is she relevant?

8:45
Becca Thomas:
To this show, I mean. I wasn't trying to be even bitchier in a bigger sense.

8:46
Mallory:
Oh, I was going to give you a "Way harsh, Tai". But yeah, I don't get how she is daytime-y. I do like the hot pink dress, though.

MarleeMatlin 
8:46
Becca Thomas:
She looks very pretty.

8:47
Mallory:
This show always manages to through in a social interest clip package that makes me tear up.

8:47
Becca Thomas:
You are a soft touch, girl.

8:48
Becca Thomas:
Whoa, the hearing foundation lady really let the twins out for the evening!

8:48
Mallory:
My, that woman's dress was low-cut. Between her and Tracey Bregman, the censors must be really nervous.

8:48
Louise:
Oh dear. That was a lotta cleavage from the charity lady.

8:48
Becca Thomas:
Triple jinx!

8:48
Louise:
Nicely done, ladies!

8:48
Becca Thomas:
This calls for more than a Coke.

8:49
Louise:
It's a good thing, too, because I need something way stronger than Coke.

8:49
Becca Thomas:
I wish I could share my booze through the internets.

8:49
Mallory:
I'm thinking of just jumping straight to amphetamines.

8:49
Becca Thomas:
Sadly, this is not the first time I've had cause to wish that.

8:50
Becca Thomas:
Mal, you don't want to be too awake and peppy when GH wins best drama.

8:50
Becca Thomas:
Please reconsider.

8:51
Mallory:
That's a very good point.

8:51
Louise:
That commercial was exciting. There's a soap opera with stories about people who aren't white, and said stories get promoted in commercials? This is highly unusual! Must be CBS.

8:52
Becca Thomas:
Let's get real: There is a soap opera commercial in primetime, period. It must be CBS.

8:52
Mallory:
Seriously, Louise! Plus, that commercial was better produced than AMC has been in a decade.

8:52
Louise:
Seems odd that it occurred to anyone that the Daytime Emmys might have the appropriate viewer demographics so show a soap ad. Considering.

8:53
Becca Thomas:
True!

8:53
Louise:
These two are a couple on B&B. They're pretty.

8:53
Becca Thomas:
Has Don Diamont's face started moving again? That would help.

8:54
Mallory:
Don Diamont was about ten times more charming just now than he ever was on Y&R! Bizarre. And I love this dress of Heather's, too.

8:54
Louise:
I don't really have a read on him yet. His character is so stoic that it's hard to tell.

8:54
Becca Thomas:
The Ellen show so deserves this win.

8:54
Mallory:
Ellen is adorable and entertaining everywhere except American Idol.

8:55
Becca Thomas:
Exactly.

8:55
Louise:
Ha! So true.

8:55
Becca Thomas:
Is Wayne Brady's suit two sizes too small, or is the vodka kicking in?

8:55
Louise:
All right, I've opened the cabernet and am letting it breathe. It's charity wine, so the more I drink of it the better a person I am, right?

8:55
Becca Thomas:
Absolutely!

8:56
Mallory:
Oh, totally.

8:56
Becca Thomas:
And you cracked it open just in time for the Oprah deification!

8:56
Mallory:
Wait, Oprah ended?! This is brand new information.

8:56
Becca Thomas:
They could have run a commercial to let us know the end was near, or something. Jeez.

8:57
Louise:
Dammit this song makes me cry. It's... a long story. It's a good thing I still haven't consumed wine. This could get ugly.

8:57
Mallory:
Is this "That's What Friends Are For"? I am having seriously uncomfortable flashbacks to middle school dances (which, looking back, had a bigger budget than this show).

8:57
Becca Thomas:
Ha! I like your competing reactions to the song. Is Oprah even there, BTW?

8:58
Mallory:
If I were Oprah, I'd accept the fawning via sattelite, sitting on a pile of money.

8:58
Louise:
Eating a bowl of money, out of a bowl made out of money.

8:58
Becca Thomas:
Ha! I predict that is what she'll do. Minus the actual eating of paper money. She has more dignity than this Vegas commercial could protect.

8:59
Mallory:
I am sort of entertained by the retrospective of Oprah's hairstyles. And, of course, the replay of the Tom Cruise couch jump.

8:59
Becca Thomas:
The couch-jumping is one of my top 10 TV-viewing moments.

9:00
Becca Thomas:
But seriously, if she's not actually there, why are they taking ten minutes of a short show to dedicate to her?

9:00
Mallory:
 
I know Gladys is a legend and all, but a jersey muumuu is an odd choice. "Odd" as in "Odd that it exists".

GladysKnight 
9:00
Louise:
Oh holy crap, this charity wine is revolting. The children with craniosynostosis of the world should really thank me for this.
9:01
Becca Thomas:
It will get better once you finish the bottle! So will this show!

9:01
Mallory:
HA!

9:01
Louise:
You're WELCOME, Jorge Posada!

9:02
Louise:
That might've been a little off-topic, but since Oprah is currently the only topic... I'm reaching.

9:02
Becca Thomas:
My computer just shut down unexpectedly. I think it was trying to save me from the rest of this evening's festivities.

9:02
Mallory:
Dr. Phil's douchey run-down of his own awesomeness or whatever lasted about three times as long as Heather Tom's acceptance speech!

9:03
Louise:
Oh sweet mercy, Celine.

Celine 
9:03
Becca Thomas:
Celine is incapable of looking anything but smug.

9:03
Mallory:
"I hope you're having a great time at the Daytime Emmys" Puhlease, Celine. Cram it up your cramhole. We all know that's impossible.

9:04
Becca Thomas:
That was so disingenuous of her. "Hope the e-coli is tasty, folks!" Thank god she and Dr. Phil weren't on the screen at the same time. Can you imagine the combined sense of superiority?

9:04
Mallory:
As the years go by, Celine sounds more and more like Ana Gasteyer as Celine Dion.

9:04
Becca Thomas:
Hee! So true.

9:05
Mallory:
Wait, did she just say she wouldn't be here if it weren't for Oprah? Here as in the Emmys? Or here as in...famous?

9:05
Mallory:
If it's the former, I wouldn't exactly be thanking O for that, Celine.

9:05
Becca Thomas:
OMG, Oprah is Celine's MOTHER!!

9:05
Louise:
OMG that is huge.

9:05
Becca Thomas:
Jonathan Jackson was really derelict not to thank Oprah right along next to Jesus, honestly. She is the reason anyone is on TV, anywhere!

9:06
Louise:
This is such a weird coincidence, because I, too, am everything I am because Oprah loved me!

9:07
Becca Thomas:
I thought I'd told you that, Louise. I think you've been a little cocky trying to take credit for any of it yourself, to be honest.

9:07
Mallory:
That's limiting the scope of her influence a little, isn't it, B? I mean, she's the reason I'm WATCHING TV right now.

9:07
Louise:
That's fair.

9:07
Becca Thomas:
Mal, Oprah is the reason I have any desire to be entertained in any fashion.

9:07
Louise:
My TV sound keeps cutting out. First my housemate, now my TV. Everyone's weighing in on the quality here.

9:08
Louise:
AUDIENCE PARTICIPATION!

CelinePointBcYouLoveMe 
9:08
Becca Thomas:
Now let me just find a silver sequined dress and fly to Vegas so I can thank her properly. Louise, you're not complaining about NOT being able to hear this, are you?!

9:08
Mallory:
"Sing the last phrase for Oprah!"

9:08
Becca Thomas:
OMG, the audience participation has left me nearly dead.

9:08
Louise:
You all sang, right?! I SANG SO LOUD. Do you think she heard me?

9:08
Mallory:
Ladies, please hold on one second, I am inhaling and exhaling right now FOR OPRAH.

9:08
Becca Thomas:
WE WILL WAIT FOR YOU.

9:09
Mallory:
How budget is this show? "Let's just replay a clip of another person kissing Oprah's ass".

9:09
Louise:
Sweet jesus. A hero to mankind?

9:09
Becca Thomas:
Too much? The hell you say!

9:09
Louise:
Ha! And she is indeed not there.

OprahAccepting 
9:10
Mallory:
Yeah, O, you seem really broken up that you aren't crammed in an auditorium, held captive by random troupes of creepy dancers.

9:10
Becca Thomas:
Oprah sorry she couldn't be there to celebrate, but her show is over so she's no longer required to attend dreck like this, bitches.

9:11
Becca Thomas:
Soap star sighting! Laura Wright looked pretty, begrudgingly clapping for Saint Oprah in the audience.

9:12
Louise:
She did look pretty; so did Bree Williamson.

9:12
Mallory:
I'm surprised that cameras were allowed anywhere near the soap stars. I figured an intern would be tasked with making sure that didn't even accidentally happen.

9:12
Becca Thomas:
Someone's head will roll, for sure.

9:12
Louise:
Well, everyone in the comments is trying to kill my Anderson Cooper dreams. I know, y'all, but I can still be whisked away platonically, dammit!

9:13
Becca Thomas:
I do kind of love that some people thought you might not know The Truth, Louise.

9:13
Becca Thomas:
They were looking out for you!

9:14
Mallory:
Holy crap, you guys, OLTL got a mention!

9:14
Becca Thomas:
And OLTL got some serious boobage airtime! Go team.

MelissaArcher 
9:14
Louise:
Weird. What's OLTL? East Coast soaps don't exist, right?

9:14
Louise:
Well, Melissa Archer has a hell of a rack. OLTL features them very prominently.

9:15
Becca Thomas:
Another tie. How exciting can an award be for you when 50% of the nominees win?

9:15
Mallory:
Really, though, why are there so many ties? I feel like if you tie for an Emmy, there should be an asterisk next to your new "Emmy-award winner" title.

9:16
Becca Thomas:
Melissa Archer does have a nice rack. I feel like it might have read like I was trying to jump off-topic to the awards, so just wanted to clear that up.

9:16
Becca Thomas:
I wonder whether they had fewer voters this year? Doesn't seem like that should mean more ties, but I like the image of a bunch of people, post ABC cancellations, just being like "Oh HELL no."

9:16
Louise:
I've only seen clips of the B&B skid row episodes, but I love how frequently on the show now people refer to "back when we were on Skid Row!" I feel like there should be some doo-wop girls and a man-eating plant.

9:17
Becca Thomas:
I did not even know there were Skid Row episodes, but am entertained even by the thought of them.

9:17
Mallory:
An intern failed again! Brief Michelle Stafford sighting. She looked flawless, as she often does.

9:17
Becca Thomas:
I was just going to say, that woman does not age.

9:18
Becca Thomas:
There is even a tie for Lifetime Achievement!

9:18
Becca Thomas:
That is amazing. You know Alex Trebek hates Pat Sajak even more than usual right now.

AlexTrebekPatSajak 
9:18
Mallory:
Their combined smarm is turning my stomach.

9:19
Mallory:
Trebek is not at all charmed by this introduction.

9:19
Becca Thomas:
Also turning my stomach is Vanna White's inability to speak like a human. It's a good thing that is not actually required for her job.

LifetimeAchIntro 
9:20
Mallory:
I mean, I'm not charmed either, but the first rule of Fight Club and award shows is fake a smile! What a douche.

9:20
Louise:
Well, he IS Canadian.

9:20
Louise:
They have different social mores?

9:20
Becca Thomas:
He's supposed to be NICER.

9:20
Louise:
Oops.

9:21
Becca Thomas:
During this interminable clip package of game show host "awesomeness," I looked Vanna up, and she is 54 years old. Looking like that at 54, I guess she does not have to be able to speak. I probably wouldn't. Oh and Trebek is trying so hard to hold back an epic eyeroll.

9:22
Becca Thomas:
He is being more successful than I am.

9:22
Mallory:
She is aging super well. I think she may be a robot. She does have the personality and eloquence of Vicki on Small Wonder...

9:22
Becca Thomas:
If Alex Trebek is one of the nicest guys you've ever known, sir, you need new friends.

9:22
Becca Thomas:
OMG, the Vicki/Vanna comparison is perfect.

9:22
Louise:
I think Pat just made an anti-Canada dig just to hurt Alex. I'm just saying.

9:23
Louise:
I mean who mentions the Stanley Cup in front of a Canadian right now if not with intent to injure?

9:23
Mallory:
I can't believe Pat took time out from his acceptance speech to suck up to Alex! What the hell?!

9:24
Becca Thomas:
Ha! I didn't think about the injurious intent of the Stanley Cup comment. Awesome.

9:24
Becca Thomas:
Mal, I was hoping it was more along the lines of "Alex, you've had a ton of failed shows, but I've just been on this one really successful one, so you have way more experience!"

9:24
Mallory:
Look at how cracked out and dapper (in a way) Ronn Moss looks! I am dying.

RonMossKellyMonacoMontelWilliams 
9:24
Louise:
Apparently the lights of Vegas are too bright for Ron Moss.

9:25
Becca Thomas:
OMG. He is a national treasure.

9:25
Becca Thomas:
Kelly Monaco looks pretty.

9:25
Mallory:
I like the southwestern flair of his formal scarf!

9:26
Becca Thomas:
More formalwear should include scarves and southwestern flair, really.

9:27
Mallory:
I like how Susan Lucci's hair is so serious and subdued and not ENORMOUS in this tearjerking segment. V. respectful.

9:27
Becca Thomas:
Totally appropriate!

9:28
Becca Thomas:
The teenage girl with cancer who said "The epic fail of cancer is dying" and she's going to beat it is pretty awesome. Being very ill and interviewed by Ron Moss, I'm not so sure about that, though...

9:28
Louise:
I love that Bree Williamson is such a softie they couldn't even get a full quote from her.

BreeWilliamsonKidHospitalVideoCrying 
9:28
Becca Thomas:
And OMG, he played his guitar to some of them! Let's think about that for a moment.

RonMossKidHospitalVideoGuitar 
9:29
Becca Thomas:
Bree W seemed genuinely touched.

9:29
Louise:
Once again, watch C-listers get interviewed by a soft porn star!

9:29
Mallory:
Ha! That is seriously the show in a nutshell.

9:30
Louise:
But to be clear, I would never disparage Kira Reed. Out of all the soft porn stars, she is my very favorite!

9:30
Mallory:
At least it's not sponsored by K-Mart this year. It's actually soap-related! Hold me, because I think the shock of that is going to make me faint.

9:30
Louise:
It's so odd that Y&R has a whole makeup line.

Jabot 
9:31
Becca Thomas:
The makeup line is totally bizarre, but it's true that at least it isn't being pimped in the Blue Light Special Room, or whatever "cute" name they used to give the green room during the K-Mart years.

9:33
Becca Thomas:
Speaking of which, do you think there's anything in the green room at this show? Or just, like, IOUs for crap in the event that you get famous enough not to have to attend this show again? I wonder whether they even get bottled water.

9:34
Louise:
Maybe some dixie cups and a faucet.

9:34
Becca Thomas:
That sounds about right. The dixie cups that are pointed, too, so you can't put them down.

9:34
Louise:
Uh oh.

9:34
Mallory:
ARE YOU SERIOUS?

9:35
Louise:
Are you okay, Mallory?

9:35
Mallory:
I mean, far be it from me to have a reaction to this crappy show and these worthless awards but WHAT?!

BrittanyAllenWins 

9:35
Becca Thomas:
I don't know enough to be organically enraged, so I will just trust you two and be angry out of empathy.

9:35
Mallory:
Lexi Ainsworth was ROBBED!

9:35
Louise:
Didn't she get fired/replaced?

9:35
Becca Thomas:
Wait -- I hate her even from her speech. And her dress. Both are dreadful.

9:36
Louise:
What's going on with Kimberly McCullough's hair?

9:36
Mallory:
I can't stop wth the caps lock of RAGE! Marissa is the WORST! And Brittany Allen was so BLAND!

9:36
Becca Thomas:
I adore Jason Thompson and Kimberly McCullough. Not that this is news, but still.

JasonTKimberlyMcCPresenting 
9:36
Louise:
Yaaaay! Scott Clifton!!

9:36
Becca Thomas:
Good for Scott Clifton!

ScottCliftonWins 
9:36
Mallory:
I enjoyed the three seconds saw of Jason Thompson, lookin' good.

9:37
Mallory:
Kind of thought Chad Duell was a lock, but I do so enjoy Scott Clifton.

9:37
Becca Thomas:
He can make an impression even in a millisecond. Such is the power of his hotness.

9:37
Louise:
He's quite good on B&B.

9:37
Becca Thomas:
People may have thought Scott Clifton was overdue.

9:37
Louise:
Absolutely.

9:38
Mallory:
True. Remember when you thought he was Dylan Cash, and I laughed at you/contemplated calling the authorities for hours?

9:38
Becca Thomas:
Hee! Man, even just recalling that makes me laugh out loud.

9:38
Louise:
My other housemate just came home. He looks worried.

9:39
Mallory:
Peter Bergman is the cure for what ails me! Why is he not the host of this show? Or the winner of all of the Emmys?

9:39
Louise:
Housemate: "Jabot? It took them 21 years to realize that they could cash in on that connection? Jabot!"

9:39
Becca Thomas:
Mal, I had to look it up: http://serialdrama.typepad.com/serial_drama/2009/07/how-a-shirtless-soap-star-caused-one-of-my-most-embarrassing-moments.html. Louise, you need to tell him to go out for another 20 minutes lest he be traumatized. Mal, would you really want your dreamy man MORE involved with this show?

9:40
Mallory:
It would be painful for him, but it would make me feel better, so...

9:40
Mallory:
The hysteria with which you texted me to exclaim that you didn't mean the red-headed tween amazes me still.

9:41
Mallory:
You were straight up hyperventilating.

9:41
Louise:
Ha! And he WAS so hot on OLTL. And cruelly cast off in the worse exodus ever. I don't know if I've ever mentioned that terrible exodus. I'm sure I haven't. I'm generally quiet on the topic.

9:41
Becca Thomas:
"This is the most shocking email I have ever received." So hilarious.

9:42
Becca Thomas:
Was anyone else involved, Louise? You have been so silent about it!

9:42 
Becca Thomas:
I like how we're ignoring this show given the break of commercials and are reminiscing about email chains of years past and which actors are hot. This is, actually, a MUCH better use of our time.

9:42
Louise:
Yeah, I've really tried to be low-key on the topic but OMG THEY FIRED KISH.

9:43
Louise:
I am so glad I finally got it off my chest.

9:44
Mallory:
Wow, they are doing SOAP flashbacks?! La Lucci has some serious pull.

9:44
Becca Thomas:
Louise, you'll find this brings you quick closure, I'm sure.

9:44
Louise:
If anyone needs something to do during the show, feel free to help me draft a strongly-worded letter to Jorge Posada about the poor taste of his charity wine.

9:44
Louise:
It's true, Becca. I feel so much better already! Thankfully,OLTL will go on for decades, so they'll totally have time to reverse the .... oh wait.

9:45
Becca Thomas:
Ew, this weird tribute by Liza Huber to her mom is worse than your Jorge Posada wine, L.

SusanLucciLizaHuber 
9:45
Louise:
I feel so close to Susan Lucci now that I've read her book. We're totally besties.

9:45
Becca Thomas:
Liza Huber is an actress? Really?
 

9:46
Mallory:
This is very uncomfortable, especially since Liza is not good at acting or reading from a teleprompter.

9:46
Becca Thomas:
I'm not even convinced she likes her mom. And that dress is AWFUL.

9:47
Becca Thomas:
Susan Lucci is a good sport, because this whole shebang is horrible.

9:47
Mallory:
Shemar Moore is proud of his soap roots and already planning to get toasted in order to black out the memories of this show. I enjoy him immensely.

9:47
Mallory:
I mean, enjoy him as a person, not enjoy this...interlude of weirdness.

SusanLucciShemarMoore 
9:47
Louise:
Oh no, are they really doing this?

9:47
Becca Thomas:
Hee. I understand.

9:48
Becca Thomas:
They are superimposing random male celebrities' faces over those of Erica's husbands as a "joke," right? Like it's intended to be funny?

9:48
Louise:
THIS is their tribute to Susan Lucci? Pasting talk show hosts' faces on Erica's grooms??

9:48
Becca Thomas:
OMG, and they brought Ellen into it?!

SusanLucciEricaEllen 
9:48
Louise:
They did and everyone looked nervous.

9:49
Becca Thomas:
"Daytime television is alive and well"? Big words, La Lucci!

9:49
Louise:
Seriously. Look at all the FIRED talent in this room!

9:49
Becca Thomas:
Ha! It's a beautiful sign of strength!

9:50
Mallory:
Michael Park is another genius, for skipping this shitshow.

9:50
Becca Thomas:
Okay, daytime can't truly be dead, because Maurice Benard just lost for best actor.

9:50
Louise:
Wow, I thought ATWT got all their "final" awards last year. That was cool. Will this happen next year for OLTL and AMC? Not likely.

9:50
Becca Thomas:
But ATWT actually got nominated for acting awards routinely. (That's not a slam, I promise!)

9:51
Louise:
No, I know. That's why I'm saying "not likely" about next year!

9:51
Mallory:
I am not optimistic that AMC and OLTL will even get nominations next year. I know that's Debbie Downer, but...really.

9:51
Becca Thomas:
Yeah, I would not hold my breath.

9:51
Louise:
Oh! Laura Wright! Awesome!!!

9:51
Mallory:
WHOA! Laura Wright! I'm stoked.

LauraWrightWins 
9:52
Becca Thomas:
Laura Wright seems really cool, and she's a good actress, so this is great.

9:52
Mallory:
I want to be best friends with her. How can I go about making that happen?

9:52
Becca Thomas:
I would first stop with the stalking.

9:52
Mallory:
I just wanted to give her her half of the Best Friends necklace I bought us!

9:52
Louise:
Oh, I'm really glad she mentioned her old shows. Though saying it the way she did feels very... final.

9:53
Becca Thomas:
I like Laura Wright, so congrats to her, but my god, won't this just embolden the writers to make Carly even more....Carly-ish? (Mal, you can just put her half of the necklace on her voodoo doll in your kitchen.)

9:54
Louise:
It's true, but then again she submitted "Heartbroken Mom Carly" stuff rather than "Smug Scheming Carly" stuff.

9:54
Becca Thomas:
Eric Estrada? Dean Cain? Tatiana Ali? Will the randomness never end?!

9:54
Mallory:
What YEAR is it?!

9:55
Becca Thomas:
I am so terribly confused.

9:55
Mallory:
It's like 90s basic cable tonight.

9:55
Louise:
We're up to the last category already? Man, that was a sprint.

9:55
Becca Thomas:
I have whiplash from the speed of things this evening.

9:56
Becca Thomas:
Mal, it's like they put IMDB in a blender and pulled entries out at random to determine tonight's appearances.

9:56
Louise:
This was just so awful. And after the Tonys last Sunday, which was seriously a hell of an awards show, this is just more painful than usual.

9:58
Becca Thomas:
Well, nobody is actively trying to kill Broadway, so I'm sure that helps!

9:58
Mallory:
It's like the producers have never actually watched television, or talked to another human being in the past 30 years. It has failed on basically every level.

9:58
Becca Thomas:
There's so little to even make fun of, because it's totally devoid of content.

9:58
Louise:
Actually, Becca, I do think Bono and The Edge are actively trying to kill Broadway.

9:58
Becca Thomas:
Ha! I forgot about that.

9:58
Louise:
But that's another story.

9:59
Louise:
They're doing a good job.

9:59
Becca Thomas:
GH doesn't win, again! Victory is ours!!!

BBWinsBestDrama 
9:59
Louise:
Right on!

10:00
Mallory:
A small sense of relief is now mingling with my boredom and irritation.

10:00
Becca Thomas:
Oh, and B&B won, and seems to deserve it. There's that, too. But mostly: suck on repetitive defeat, ABC!

10:00
Becca Thomas:
Is your sense of relief because the show is over, Mal?

10:00
Louise:
Remember when they did whole montages of "the year that was" of each nominated show? I loved those reels.

10:01
Becca Thomas:
And showed clips of nominated performances? That was so quaint.

10:01
Louise:
Wow, that whole thing really had absolutely nothing to do with soaps at all.

10:01
Becca Thomas:
It was absolutely the worst Daytime Emmys show ever, and it's not like the last few years had established a high bar.

10:01
Mallory:
Seriously, if someone asked me to recap this--and they never would, because no one cares--I think I'd say "Oprah owns the world, and also, a bunch of Elvises danced around."

10:01
Becca:
Ha! We should re-title the post that, really.

10:02
Louise:
I naively thought that with the cancellations they'd at least pay a little lip service to the soaps. Next year? Yeah, I know. No.

10:03
Becca Thomas:
Yeah, I would not get your hopes up.

10:04
Becca Thomas:
I spent the entire day watching golf and this ceremony was actually a step DOWN in entertainment and excitement levels. This may be my entertainment nadir.

10:04
Mallory:
Seriously, our lives as soap bloggers have officially reached a new low.

10:04
Louise:
Just horrible. I missed baseball. I guess there's still time to find out who killed Rosie Larsen.

10:04
Louise:
And we thought soap blogging was so glamorous!

10:05
Becca Thomas:
I don't know who Rosie Larsen is, but I am infinitely more interested in who killed her than 95% of what happened over the last two hours.

10:05
Mallory:
A show about a murdered teenager is a palate cleanser for this show. Think about that for a second!

10:05
Louise:
Exactly.

10:06
Becca Thomas:
Soap blogging being glamorous is so 1986. Times have changed! The world is a different place! We have to move on! (Sorry, I've been mentally beaten into submission by ABC Daytime execs.)

10:06
Mallory:
Brian Frons has trained you well, B.

10:06
Louise:
We should blog about lifestyle shows.

10:07
Becca Thomas:
That will be so interesting and modern!

10:07
Louise:
I get excited about recipes and weight loss tips. I can't wait.

10:07
Mallory:
Plus, we'd get a ton of diet tips! And that's what we women are interested in, right? Diets?

10:08
Louise:
We're interested in bettering our lives! By watching lifestyle reality shows instead of scripted drama!

10:09
Becca Thomas:
Diets, emotional "journeys," and weddings! That's really all I live for. I hope to experience hundreds of each over the course of my life.

10:09
Louise:
OMG emotional journeys, my favorite!

10:10
Becca Thomas:
There should be an awards should for something truly meaningful, like televised emotional journeys. Especially those that result in weddings.

10:10
Mallory:
Do you think we'll get recipes so we can lose weight before our weddings? Fingers crossed.

10:10
Becca Thomas:
Only if we're lucky!

10:11
Becca Thomas:
And based on how we just spent our last two hours, we have NOTHING but luck in our lives!

10:11
Louise:
I consider myself the luckiest woman alive.

10:11
Mallory:
We're seriously charmed.

10:12
Mallory:
Thanks to Oprah.

10:12
Louise:
We're everything we are because she loved us.

10:12
Becca Thomas:
I need to go drink heavily now. Are we done thanking Oprah for our unbelievable luck? And our diets, journeys, and weddings?

10:13
Louise:
I feel complete.

10:13
Mallory:
Me, too. Complete and ready to drink myself into a stupor and/or weep. Thanks again, O!

10:14
Becca Thomas:
Thanks, Oprah! (P.S. Eff you, Daytime Emmy producers.)

10:14
Louise:
For real.

Comments

Oh Good it's another 2 hour commercial for Vegass!

Why are they even pretending to give the winners a speech?

OMG what is up with the dancing (and I use that term loosely). What does Elvis and scary masked people have to do with my soaps?! This is going to be SUCH a long night...

Someone hold me, because the plastic Elvis dancers and the faceless dancers and Wayne Newton and the Marie Osmond are FREAKING ME OUT!!!!11!!

Becca that Ryan Reynolds interview in EW is highly entertaining... you know the opposite of this awards show!

I admit I'm flipping back and forth between this monstrosity and a repeat of 16 and Pregnant and I'm STUNNED by how much better that show is than this mess. In honor of our fearless bloggers (who so deserve hazard pay and lots of alcohol) shall we start a list of things on tv right now that are better than this horrible show?

You know, I'll give the producers one thing: they've got 2 hours, and they're going to cram everything in come hell or high water! And, frankly, I'd rather a clipped show than a turgid, crawling, bloated one.

Well look at Debbi Morgan coming in here and classing up the joint! Thank you, ma'am. Thank you.

What is with all the ties? Also, Louise, do I have to stomp on all your dreams and hopes about Anderson Cooper wisking you away, or are you just joking?

Jenn, that could be a huge list! Or it could be a short one, since we could just say "Everyting, ever, on television"...

So how much more elaborate a tribute is Oprah going to get than any of the dear departed soaps? Not that I'm bitter or anything.

And, BN, let us ladies have our dreams!

Very true, Mallory , but it's not we're watching something that requires (or deserves) our attention...

Suzanne, I don't mind Oprah getting a big tribute (other than the fact that the past year has been one big tribute to Oprah) since she's been such a major daytime presence for so long, but, yeah, a little consideration for the departed soaps would be nice!

Well, I'm off to watch Game of Thrones! Thank god for some REAL soap tonight! Catch you bitches on the flip side.

I think I read somewhere that OLTL and AMC aren't done yet, so they don't want to do the tribute this year - that all the actors will be eligible for emmy's next year, so they would do it then...

Oh, Bourgeois Nerd, as Suzanne says, let us ladies hold on to our dreams!

That makes sense that they're not doing the tribute for AMC and OLTL this year. But I was also thinking of the Guiding Light tribute from a few years ago, which seemed to last about five seconds. And did As The World Turns get a sendoff?

I know I'm a little late and I hate to dtep on a dream, but Louise don't worry too much about what dress to wear for Anderson Cooper. He does not play for our team. The only reason to be concerned about your clothing choices is that I assume that thanks to his mom he knows women's fashion and may have opinions about it :)

Whoa. Look at Melissa Archer's cha chas.

What's with so many ties tonight? I wish Debbi Morgan and Laura Wright would tie for Lead Actress.

I swear I wasn't trying to insult Louise's intelligence. I know people who didn't get the memo on Anderson until like, last fall. I assume there are people still on the barge about him.

Ha! I'm on no barge about him, LoriK, but I just like to pretend...

Sorry, just catching up on DVR, but why is it that on supporting actor, they raced through, but Penn and Teller are going ON AND ON.... Can't we at least get a clip of the actors work?

Gosh, this introduction to Alex Trebek and Pat Sajak's lifetime achievement awards ae painful.

Seriously, soapbaby, that was brutal. Like, almost as bad as Penn and Teller...

Hockey talk, Small Wonder, and Little Shop of Horror refrences? *swoons* Best live blog of a crappy awards show EVER!

Fortunately it's 9pm now & the season finale of "I Survived" is on bio. Next season's guests will b people who were forced to WATCH the daytime emmys show.....

Um yeah, Brittany Allen???? Why. Lexi Ainsworth was ROBBED.

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