We Are Grading On One Hell Of A Curve Here
Sam--known in some circles, specifically "my head" as Lady Props-A-Lot--offered an assessment of Michael and Kristina that I can only describe as remarkable.
Sam: You've all done a really good job raising these kids. They're great kids!
Well, she's right in that...they are both someone's kids? How anybody can, with a straight face, offer Sonny and Carly parenting kudos is just beyond me.
Although, to be fair to Sam, this was largely an awkward way for her to defuse a spectacularly tense situation. Moments earlier, Alexis went on a hate-filled rampage, filled with threats of violence and wild accusations. Or at least that's what I gathered based on Sonny and Carly's reactions to her.
Alexis: I appreciate that Michael tried to defend his sister, and I care very much about Michael, but there are better ways to handle this than with his fist.
Sonny: But sometime's a fist is the only way to get your point across.
Alexis: You know, that's very interesting coming from you, considering what happened to your daughter. Your son is on parole. It might have been wiser to let him accept the consequence that if you punch someone at graduation, you may not get your diploma. There is no reason to strong-arm the mayor. He would have gotten his diploma eventually.
"Ohmigod, Sonny, do you hear her? Do you hear how out of touch she is? 'Consequences'? It's not 1890 anymore, Alexis. It is modern day and this day is ruled by the Corinthos...Corinthoses? Corinthi? It's ruled by Sonny and by extension, ME, so if my son wants a diploma, he gets it. If this other one--the little guy over there, if he wants a diploma? HE GETS IT. NOW.
Sonny: You think so? Well, know what? I wanted my son's diploma and I used my power to get it.
Alexis: Of course you did.
Sonny: And you know what? I don't regret it for one second.
Alexis: You...and that bothers me a lot. Because you bully and intimidate and then you want to know why your son goes around hitting people.
Carly: Okay, enough! I'm proud of my son and my son's father!
"So he punched someone! It's not like he's ever SHOT ANYONE! Okay, so he's shot someone, but it's not like he's AXED ANYONE. Okay, whatever, you know what? He's a good boy. And I'm not going to sit here and let you SLANDER him. How dare you sit here and say, 'Michael punched someone, I think he deserves to be EXECUTED?' How, Alexis? HOW? You're dead to me, bitch."
There was also a lot of Michael whining to Jason about how hard his life is, and Abby whining to Dante about how hard Michael's life is, and the entire hour was just...hard to take. Plus, it ended with Michael and Abby agreeing to move in together, which serves as a reminder for all of us to, um, immediately delete tomorrow's episode from our DVR sight unseen, because watching those two moon at each other is nauseous-making.