Serial Drama

Best Endings In The History Of Ever?

After what was roughly my seventh time watching the last thirty second's of Friday's spectacular One Life to Live, I was reminiscing about being a less jaded young soap viewer and how it felt when the big moments happened that I wasn't expecting. For obvious reasons so many of those moments came before spoilers and the internet made it virtually impossible for there to ever be any real surprise (which is why I have to give kudos to OLTL since the Two Todds moment at the end was not a surprise, but still made my heart flutter and probably elicited a few embarrassing squeals and gasps from me... which of course proves that even in this day and age it's possible to make a big soap moment great as long as it's done well). I really felt like a little kid again, and the big giant nonsense absurd hyperbolic world of soaps should do just that.

So it's poll time! What do you guys think were the greatest big Friday moments in all of daytime soaps? I threw together a quick poll which, of course, is severely limited by both my current lack of memory (I can't believe it was so hard for me to think of things!) and my lack of knowledge of many of the soaps I haven't watched (I know some canon but it would've been kind of vague -- Victor's alive! Patch is alive! -- so I will leave the informed descriptions up to you lovely readers). So please do throw in write-in votes for any shows in the comments!

I left off deaths (or apparent deaths) because those cliffhangers are obviously far more common so we'd be here all day. Reminisce with me, y'all!

poll by twiigs.com

Crazy For You

Erica: So you still believe that I lost it, that I belong side by side with Marian and Annie and Janet from Another Planet?

Yes, Erica, I do firmly believe that you belong side by side with the aforementioned trio of zaniness. Specifically, you belong side by side with them in the credits for what would surely be a hit spinoff show called Crazy Is As Crazy Does following their nutty exploits as they do arts and crafts and therapeutic yoga and say hilarious things to each other while wearing tracksuits.

Seriously, I cannot overstate how delightful everything that took place in Oak Haven this week was. For so long, All My Children has been completely averse to whimsy and humor, so it was a surprise and a treat to see the show embrace the funny so thoroughly; that gang of involuntarily committed ladies provided me with more laughs than most sitcoms do.

Annie: You are in a mental institution. You might want to cool it with the above-it-all attitude.
Janet: I would put you both in a freezer if I could! Kidding. Ha! No, we just all need a refresher about the rules, hmm? Discussions about past transgressions are forbidden. This is a place where we move forward. So if you get angry, take it out on a hunk of clay. Although, you're probably a more macramé kind of girl, aren't you?
Erica: A macra-what?
Marian: Oh, darling, you remember. We had those hanging plants in the seventies with all those twisted knots in them?
Janet: So we would make such a good team, E-Kay, like -- like when that time we buried your pill-pushing doctor in your backyard?
Annie: And I'm the psychotic one?
Erica: He was not actually dead.
Annie: Oh. That makes it so much better.

Janet: We didn't get to do our shavasana!
Marian: Don't say "shiv" anything in front of Annie.

Annie: This is because I stabbed you, isn't it? I said I was sorry. Where's the forgiveness?

Annie: You can stay here and do all the JAZZ HANDS you want.

Annie: Is that what you told your porkchop husband before you put him in the deep freeze?
Janet: Well, of course not! He was dead already.

Plus, Opal showing up looking like...this?

  
Classic. I could have quoted and screencapped all of it on account of the amazing factor, but it is begging to be watched. If you have not seen it? You must. That is an order, not a request. Go watch. I'll wait.

AMAZING, right?

All of that PLUS! The last few seconds of Friday's episode, where a shocked Erica stumbled upon Dixie? I may have gotten goosebumps. I am so, so looking forward to seeing where this story goes, mostly because I know it will lead to "Zach and Leoville" and I want to go to there.

Heart? Broken. Mind? Blown.

General Hospital really, when you think about it (and should you think about it, make sure to have a box of tissues handy, because it's immensely depressing that people get a regular paycheck for this), has about five plots that the writers rotate as they see fit. Maybe five is being too generous. Regardless, my favorite recurring element is, by far, Carly's overly emotional and borderline unhinged responses to news about the men who have been in her life at any point in time. I'd probably watch a spinoff about Carly receiving bad news.

Today, Carly learned that Jason is engaged to Sam. It was freaking amazing.

CARLY: ELIZABETH. Um, I've been standing here for a full ten second and yet, my problem isn't being solved.
ELIZABETH: I'm actually just getting ready to--
CARLY: I didn't ask for your life story. I need meds.
ELIZABETH: No kidding.
CARLY: Meds for Josslyn, Elizabeth. For Josslyn. Why haven't you given me her prescription yet? I've been standing here totally patiently for a full minute now.

 
ELIZABETH: You know, it's hospital procedure to keep--
CARLY: I'm sorry, I have to take this phone call. The perils of being an important person and all.
ELIZABETH: You're making the phone call, which is kind of rude...
CARLY: Less talky, more scripty!
CARLY: Hey, Jason, it's me, Carly. Which you totally knew, because best friends know each other's voice. Um, I've called you a ton of times, and you haven't called me back and I'm starting to worry, because I have a bunch of things that I really need to talk to you about and for you to do for me, so...please call me back as soon as you get this. Like, AS SOON as you get this. It's a life or death situation. Literally.
CARLY: Do you...still not have my prescription? Seriously?
ELIZABETH: It's just that we keep the children's prescriptions on the fourth floor.
CARLY: Are you fucking with me, Elizabeth? Why did you not tell me that before I stood here for AN HOUR waiting?
ELIZABETH: You know...you shouldn't worry too much about Jason. He's fine. I'm sure he just wants to enjoy his life right now.
CARLY: Um, look. You probably don't know this, because you're not in the inner circle like I am, but...the members of the inner circle? Meaning me, Jason, and Sonny? We're going through a tough time right now and--
ELIZABETH: Jason doesn't want to talk to you right now because he's boning his fiancee.
 
CARLY:  
CARLY: I'm sorry, a nerve or something in my brain just made a sizzling noise, I didn't quite catch that. Pardon?
ELIZABETH: Oh my gosh, you didn't know? Yeah. Jason and Sam are engaged.
CARLY:
CARLY:  
CARLY:  
ELIZABETH: Was it something I said?
CARLY:  No, it was something YOUR FACE. You said the fourth floor?
ELIZABETH: Yes.
CARLY: I'm going up there right now. RIGHT NOW. And if that prescription isn't ready, I will have your badge, Webber.
ELIZABETH: Nurses don't---
CARLY: YOUR BADGE! 

There is a very real chance that Monday's episode will open with Carly taking the entire fourth floor hostage.

Flesh to Touch, Flesh to Burn! Don't Keep the Vicker Man Waiting!

Holy crap, when One Life to Live is on, it is on. Yesterday was the premiere of the movie about David's life, Vicker Man, and half the town was there, dressed to the nines. It felt very much like those old-school soap events where everyone comes together and naturally huge reveals take place (remember the annual Woman of the Year celebration?) -- I know budgets and schedules are not as wide-open as they used to be, so we were denied some premiere guests that would've added to the joy, but it is what it is. And what it was? Was hilarious so far. And full of spectacular shout-outs to stories long past.

Where to begin?

I apologize as I'm just basically going to gush. "Remember when this happened? It was awesome. Oh yeah and then this? That was cool. You know what was awesome? When this happened!" but I'm giddy and I can't help myself!

Oh, Rex. There was a low point. He sort of skulked around and talked to himself a lot about his revenge plan and how Dorian will be in a cell if she doesn't drop the charges against Echo, and Dorian in a cell means "my cousin David will be all alone, just like me." So that's charming that Rex's revenge plan has just expanded to making everyone in the world as miserable as he is whether he has anything against them or not. David's dicked over a lot of people, but not Rex. In fact, Rex should be groveling at David's feet considering he helped keep David locked in a Moroccan prison for months on end. Also, why doesn't Rex care about what Brad did? Or the girl who helped them out? Does he not know about the girl? I'd like to know exactly what ridiculous statement Brad actually gave to incriminate himself and exonerate everyone else involved. Shane wisely pointed out that taking away Todd's money is not going to bring Gigi back, but Rex missed the point and decided his teenage son meant he should really up the ante and, I don't know, maybe murder someone. (Also, has Rex considered that Jack is not only wealthy by one parent? Does Rex intend to also bankrupt the Cramers and Delgados?) Rex is truly a genius.

Meanwhile, RHTodd told John about the adventures he had while John was out.

RHTodd: The blonde with the whiskey voice? Natalie's mom? Wooo, she is... (insert crazy gesture here)

Which he followed up by doing his (surprisingly spot-on) John McBain imitation for John. Just effing great stuff. Their collective dry humor is working off each other really entertainingly. I'm also loving how normally-stoic RHTodd is babbling on and on to John, because these are basically the first conversations he's had in the better part of a decade.

So, the premiere. Ford was there.

 

Oh Look! Someone Left This Script Lying Around...

I wonder what it's for! Oh, I see. There's some scenes where Starr is hanging around in a park flirting with some guy who's not her boyfriend. Ooooh, relationship conflict! Maybe a love triangle? Oh and they kiss, and she pulls away and insists she has no feelings for him! He thinks they have a connection. Methinks the lady doth protest too much! This is gripping and has never been done before. Clearly this is a brand new script and not one left over from last year's completely identical story. (I guess Baz loses Lothario points for not kidnapping Starr, though.)

Then why does it feel so familiar? I simply cannot figure it out. This is totally the first time in the history of ever that Starr has met some new guy and had random flirty banter with him that causes trouble with her boyfriend.

 

You know, I try to be nice and understanding about the fact that soaps inevitably have to recycle similar stories over and over again -- it's part of the nature of the duration and frequency -- but really. This was Starr's most recent major storyline. And they couldn't even change the setting?! I swear last summer and fall we were stuck in that park with James and Starr in at least 40% of the episodes.

I'm Sorry, I Just Hallucinated

If you had told me a few months ago that in one episode of General Hospital, I'd get...

...a beautifully acted scene between Steve Burton and Leslie Charleson

 
...Patrick and Robin ADORABLENESS

 
...AND! A surprise appearance by Nikolas, presumably to have some meaty goodbye scenes with Lulu (and, hopefully, Alexis) to complement the ones he shared with Lucky

I'd...well, I'd probably look at you with sad, mournful eyes and say, "In a few months, I'll still be watching General Hospital?" and sigh the heaviest of sighs. But after that, I'd laugh! And say, mid-scoff, "You're crazy. I like you, but you're crazy".

But today, all of that happened. All of it! And it aired on network television, not the elaborate alternate reality version of General Hospital that sometimes runs through my head while I daydream because:

 
Thank you for being a friend, Mr. Wolf.

How Utterly Non-Soapy

Well done, The Bold and the Beautiful! I know it's hard when presented with psychotic-narcissist Steffy's very valid arguments of, basically, "Why are you telling me to feel compassion for someone who isn't me?! How does that even make sense? What is compassion for if not me?" but they managed to actually have a character spout some rational suggestions of empathy on today's episode.

Taylor: Steffy. Try to have some compassion for Katie, okay? This is going to be very hard for her, she's going to be blindsided, she's going to suffer loss when Bill tells her he's leaving her.

Steffy: (with a disgusted snarl) It shouldn't be that big of a surprise after the way she's treated him, Mom.

Taylor: Well, I can tell you as the woman who's been left, it's always a surprise and it hurts. A lot. Steffy, don't try to trick yourself into believing that Katie deserves to be hurt like this. Nobody deserves that.

Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.5, "I Hate You, I Love You"

This heat wave that has crippled most of the country has done bad things to me, mood-wise. The only thing getting me through was a new True Blood (and also the promise that the heat will break tomorrow. If it doesn't...so help me).  After the jump, "I Love You, I Hate You"!

The End of an Era (And a Hair-a. Gosh, I Hate Myself)

We have spilled much virtual ink over the years going on and on about the mystical and magical powers that Megan Ward possesses, so much so that we seriously contemplated amending our tagline to read "We mock soaps out of love. And hate. But mostly love. And OMFG, Megan Ward is awesome". Because REALLY: that hair! That perfect ability to toss off a bitchy one-liner with the perfect amount of withering condescension! The as-yet-unreplicated gift of making Sonny not just tolerable, but likable!

Remember? Remember the fabulous?

 
Because she possessed such qualities, the General Hospital powers-that-be regarded her with almost total revulsion after a certain point, siphoning her stories over to Olivia and Claudia and bumping her down to recurring and then basically forgetting that she even existed unless Maxie and Lulu needed to make allusions to Kate's legendary (and off-screen) bitchiness. In a world where Abby is a thing! It's offensive, no?

But I thought, "Hey, she wasn't gruesomely murdered--although it wasn't for a lack of trying, because she was shot multiple times. I mean, since she was okay with it, I should probably be over it by now, but I'M NOT--so there's a chance that one day someone will say 'Holy crap, you guys, we wasted the talents of Megan Ward for this long?! What is wrong with us?! Let's bring her back for a frontburner story, like, now!"

Well, probably to help ease Sonny's heartbreak (I mean, she was his first love. Until history was rewritten and then she wasn't), Kate is coming back. Just...not with Megan Ward.

Digest has learned that daytime newcomer Kelly Sullivan joins GENERAL HOSPITAL in the recast role of Sonny's ex, fashion maven Kate Howard. She replaces Megan Ward, who originated Kate in 2007 and played her until 2010. The role is contract, and Sullivan is expected to start airing in early fall.

Um, what?! Why on earth did they not ask Megan Ward back? Are they intimidated by her awesomeness? That must be it. It's the only reason that they would so something so staggeringly BONEHEADED.

(Well, that and...staggeringly boneheaded is the only way they know how to be)

I am not pleased. Not that that means anything, because GH has not been concerned with pleasing its viewers since 1998, but I just wanted to go on the record with this. I'm about to start chanting "Megan Forever! Recast Never!"

"Why does Sonny need his heartbreak eased?", you might ask (but probably not, since many of you have quit this show). Well, dear readers, Brenda left him, which he was sad about. And she left town with JAX, which he is ENRAGED about.

Sonny: Brenda and Alec left with Jax? On his plane? All right. Do me a favor: get my plane ready. I'm leaving.

I wouldn't want to be a piece of stemware within arm's reach right about now!

And yeah, rewind: Brenda (and Alec) left on Jax's plane.

Brenda: Guess what? In Rome, because you know I used to live there for a very long time, I used to throw coins in the Trevi Fountain every single day. So if we dive in the fountain and we find all the coins I threw in there...we could be incredibly rich. (Ear-splitting cackle)
Jax: Hey, do me a favor--when you're in there, toss a coin in for me.
Brenda: Or you could just stay long enough to toss one in yourself.

Maybe I'm reading into things here, but between the lines I'm seeing "Stay with me! Wish for us to get married and live happily ever after and your wish will come true and I love you and Mallory will cry tears of joy at the very thought!"

Second (+) Lives for One Life to Live Characters, Installment #2

Hallelujah. And I mean that.

I'd been wondering where the list of returns was. So far the list was small, just Kim and Langston and Markko (and the last two don't count as they were just there), and that seemed insufficient considering the barrage of announcements we were getting about All My Children returns. But then I realized the timing. The cancellation announcement came just over 3 months ago. OLTL got a three-months-longer lifespan than AMC, meaning right now is when we can start fairly comparing how AMC is wrapping things up with how OLTL plans to do so (this "they'll live on online" business has yet to take any credibly shape, so I'm speaking as if it's full cancellation till we get any real information). Today it begins.

And right on cue? SWEET MERCY SOMEONE UP THERE LOVES ME. Because Cord and Tina are coming back!!! Honestly if that hadn't happened I would've been seriously mystified because it's probably the most obvious return of all, but hey, we soap viewers are used to being mystified by the choices of the showrunners.

Allow me to gush with no shame. OH EM GEE CORD AND TINA.

I also feel it's important to go on record and saying if they're reuniting these two, it would be unacceptable for them to come back already reunited. I need to see this onscreen. NEED. (Isn't that picture crazy, y'all? Look behind them, remember when soap weddings used to mean huge budgets and a cast of extras by the droves? Now we're lucky if 1/10th the contract cast is there.)