A Genuinely Fond Farewell
On the one hand: YAY! Nikolas Cassadine got a well-written (probably because it was penned by Tyler Christopher and Jonathan Jackson and not the actual writing staff), superbly performed farewell that didn't include death or destruction.
On the other hand: the powers-that-be at General Hospital consider Spinelli more integral to this show and Port Charles than NIKOLAS FREAKING CASSADINE, WHAT THE HELL, I HATE THINGS AND PEOPLE.
As surprising as it might be for longtime readers or anybody who has spent a significant amount of time going through the Serial Drama archives, since most of what I've written about Nikolas in recent years can be summed up with "What a dick! /Boring!/ Does Tyler Christopher feel like his life would literally be in danger if he put any effort into his performance? Like, are there assassins lurking just off stage ready to strike at the first sign of engagement?", but I will always have a soft spot for Nikolas, as played by TC (I never really took to Coltin Scott's version). When Nikolas and the Cassadines (that sounds like a hilariously bad pop group, no?) came to Port Charles, my middle school mind nearly exploded from awesomeness. That whole time period is probably my favorite era of GH ever, and I remember loving everything about Nikolas, including how unbearably pretty TC/TB was.
Nearly everything that has happened to and with Nikolas since, well...let's move on.
Nikolas: When you're lying on your death bed and you're about to take your last breath, what do you think you're gonna think about? Huh? Some big case that you cracked that nobody else could solve? Some nice vacation that you took with all your friends? Not even that intervention that you had with Luke that apparently didn't do any good. You're not gonna think of any of that stuff. You're gonna think of one thing and one thing only. And that is... just before you pass and you hold your hand out, the only thing that you are gonna care about is whose hand is on the other end, brother. That is it. If you can answer that riddle... then you've figured it all out.
Lucky: I'm gonna miss you.
Nikolas: And I you. Another day.
Lucky: Hey, Nikolas. Um, there's just one more thing. It's been bugging me for like the last 15 years and I've just never asked you about it. But... you grew up in Russia and Greece. Never lived in America till you came here to help Lulu. How come you never had an accent?
Nikolas: [Doing his best Count von Count] Who says I haven't been using one the whole time? Farewell.
That's some impressive character growth! The old Nikolas, of like two months ago, would have left Alfred a checkbook and a note saying, "Take care of this, please. He eats three times a day. Maybe. Not really sure."
The rest of the show is pretty damn wretched: Lulu and Dante's bordello adventures? The never-ending battle over custody of Josslyn? I adore that fat-headed baby and I understand why neither parent is willing to give her up but STILL, I feel like Carly and Jax's conversations about her safety have been eating the show since she was born. And perhaps most egregiously, Spinelli's noir detective taking over. It makes me RAGE. If it were an episode-long tangent, I would still roll my eyes so hard they'd probably bleed, but for it to turn into an actual storyline? I quit. I quit life. Please feel free to divvy up my lip gloss and book collection amongst yourselves.