Flesh to Touch, Flesh to Burn! Don't Keep the Vicker Man Waiting!
Holy crap, when One Life to Live is on, it is on. Yesterday was the premiere of the movie about David's life, Vicker Man, and half the town was there, dressed to the nines. It felt very much like those old-school soap events where everyone comes together and naturally huge reveals take place (remember the annual Woman of the Year celebration?) -- I know budgets and schedules are not as wide-open as they used to be, so we were denied some premiere guests that would've added to the joy, but it is what it is. And what it was? Was hilarious so far. And full of spectacular shout-outs to stories long past.
Where to begin?
I apologize as I'm just basically going to gush. "Remember when this happened? It was awesome. Oh yeah and then this? That was cool. You know what was awesome? When this happened!" but I'm giddy and I can't help myself!
Oh, Rex. There was a low point. He sort of skulked around and talked to himself a lot about his revenge plan and how Dorian will be in a cell if she doesn't drop the charges against Echo, and Dorian in a cell means "my cousin David will be all alone, just like me." So that's charming that Rex's revenge plan has just expanded to making everyone in the world as miserable as he is whether he has anything against them or not. David's dicked over a lot of people, but not Rex. In fact, Rex should be groveling at David's feet considering he helped keep David locked in a Moroccan prison for months on end. Also, why doesn't Rex care about what Brad did? Or the girl who helped them out? Does he not know about the girl? I'd like to know exactly what ridiculous statement Brad actually gave to incriminate himself and exonerate everyone else involved. Shane wisely pointed out that taking away Todd's money is not going to bring Gigi back, but Rex missed the point and decided his teenage son meant he should really up the ante and, I don't know, maybe murder someone. (Also, has Rex considered that Jack is not only wealthy by one parent? Does Rex intend to also bankrupt the Cramers and Delgados?) Rex is truly a genius.
Meanwhile, RHTodd told John about the adventures he had while John was out.
RHTodd: The blonde with the whiskey voice? Natalie's mom? Wooo, she is... (insert crazy gesture here)
Which he followed up by doing his (surprisingly spot-on) John McBain imitation for John. Just effing great stuff. Their collective dry humor is working off each other really entertainingly. I'm also loving how normally-stoic RHTodd is babbling on and on to John, because these are basically the first conversations he's had in the better part of a decade.
So, the premiere. Ford was there.
Blair looked gorgeous and got the dramatic staircase entrance to emphasize it.
I personally wouldn't choose long sleeves for a July film premiere, but she gets away with everything!
Blanca Morales interviewed half the the town. (Including asking Blair about the controversy surrounding her character being played by an Asian-American actress, which would've been hilarious enough had they left it there, but as we'll see later... it got even better.) She even mentioned the prime time episode of Fraternity Row, Llanview's former soap-within-a-soap. (Remember when Bo was a soap opera producer? And check out Chris Noth!)
For some reason this included asking poor Dani about the circumstances of her conception:
Dorian and Ionia got into it, of course, which wasn't especially exciting (other than the lines, "I'm Dorian Lord, you're not! Live with it, baby!" and "Dorian, I'll protect your opening!") but I did like the one bit of character consistency in which David pronounced "Ionia" unlike anyone ever has before. He does have this amusing tendency to alternate emphasized syllables in people's names. Remember the eight different ways he pronounced "Adrianna?" There were also a few SAG/AFTRA jokes thrown in. AFTRA? Was Vicker Man videotaped? Oh, who cares, a good meta joke about actors' unions is always welcome.
Blair wore earrings that Todd had given her before one of their weddings. (Which led to RHTodd noticing them on TV and heading to the premiere.... wheeeee!) TSJTodd didn't remember the earrings "he" gave Blair, but that barely means anything since he's forgotten or ignored most of his history with Blair for years now. And at least it led to Blair using the phrase "True that!"
Markko showed up.
Hel-lo, Jason Tam! Lookin' crazy hot. Markko met Baz, and I wish he would have been honest and just said, "Oh! That's the infamous Baz? Oh, he's not actually into you at all, Starr, and I think it's pretty clear why."
Rick the Porn Guy darted around like he owned the place, and clearly had a treat in store for all of us.
Rama showed up to put on a show for Vimal's parents...
...courtesy of a fake pregnancy-by-water-balloon created by Cristian. Vimal is very upset that Rama has worked for one whole day. Vimal, honey, I know you're old-fashioned and all but... women work. It's not demeaning.
And seriously, the greatest poster art for Vicker Man. I tried to get a better screencap but this was the best I could come up with:
David busting out of chains! Too hilarious.
And now the credits for Vicker Man.
Melador Studios! Melador was old makeup company Dorian and Blair ran that was named after Melinda, Addie, and Dorian.
Awww, David thinks his Pa is so cool that he made sure Harrison Ford played him in the movie.
I'm not sure I get this one. I know of a writer named Edna Beasley who wrote some scandalous incest stuff, but that couldn't be who they mean, right? Anyone got this one for me?
And of course, the actor they hired to play Clint speaks as many volumes about how David sees Clint as Harrison Ford playing Bo. As in, ouch.
Just brilliant. My cheeks hurt from smiling. (And I hope Ms. Korf got a little check in the mail for that, perhaps?)
And then the movie cut out just as it was starting, only to be replaced by... porn!
Oh hell yes.
And the first line of the flick was actually, "Heard you were failing Sex Ed. Lucky for you I aced the class." (Man, someone on that writing staff knows a lot about porn dialogue!)
This was met with confusion, and ultimately...
Frankly, my favorite reaction (so far) was TSJTodd's.
Just basically smug. Not the least bit surprised. "I knew it."
And y'all? That was just yesterday's episode. I am in soap heaven.