Serial Drama

Well, Nothing Lasts Forever

It was bound to happen sooner or later. It was pretty much three straight weeks of One Life to Live kicking all manner of ass. Pure soap heaven for me. It couldn't last.

It's not that yesterday's was a bad episode -- there was some great stuff in there. But there was a dark, dark cloud over all of it that made it impossible to enjoy and too easy to pick apart. What was that dark cloud? Oh, you know.

Dammit. We'd gotten such a nice break from Ford, but there he was, grinning and being oh-so-cute with HIS SON (did you know he has a son? He does, and he's a changed man, y'all, it's a beautiful thing!) and apparently "challenging" Jessica or some shit that's supposed to make us want their adversarial relationship to turn romantic because it's just so hot. It's not. It will never be hot. They're totally gross. And this actually happened.

Jessica: Well, I found out the man I thought was my Uncle Todd is really my Uncle Victor, my dad's under house arrest. Oh! And Natalie and Brody just happened to leave some apartment listings lying around in case I didn't get the memo that they're totally crazy in love! (Dear Jessica, you should watch them together sometime. It couldn't more stiff and awkward. There's certainly no joy or love going on there. Go claim your man, please. He'll be available any second now. --Ed.)

And then regarding Clint...

Ford: So, he gets to live in this mansion, with his daughter checking in on him, surrounded by his grandkids like he hasn't done a damn thing wrong?! 

Jessica: Keep your voice down, you'll wake Ryder.

Ford: Did you know that his hired muscle beat me so badly that I had to check into a hospital?

(The line that should have been here is Jessica: Oh, you mean when he had them beat you up for the first time you took advantage of my mental illness and sexed me up and then lied about it so you wouldn't get into the trouble you so obviously deserved to be in? --Ed.)

Ford: Jessica, he changed Ryder's paternity test so that I wouldn't even know he was mine! Not to mention the countless other crimes he committed. And now he has to do his time here. There are -- there are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start!

(Dear Ford, would you like me to start counting up your crimes? You know, the ones that you've never had to deal with actually being prosecuted for? Remember when you blackmailed a serial killer which led to the deaths of a few more people? Oh, and how about statutory rape? And breaking and entering, and overpowering and tying up a nun? Do I need to keep going, ass-munch?  --Ed.)

Jessica: Fine, fine, why don't you go upstairs and yell at him? And then maybe the heart that Rex sold him will burst right out of his chest! Will that make you feel better?

Ford: 

(No, seriously, he gave her that look. That shocked, hurt look. Seriously. As if she'd crossed some line and he just couldn't believe it. Seriously. --Ed.)

Ford: Jessica. Jessica, what am I missing. What's going on?

Okay, really? Was this supposed to be some beautiful moment that showed us just how sensitive he is to her that he can tell that there's something really wrong? Uh, what do the words "I found out the man I thought was my Uncle Todd is really my Uncle Victor, my dad's under house arrest. Oh! And Natalie and Brody just happened to leave some apartment listings lying around in case I didn't get the memo that they're totally crazy in love!" mean to you, Ford? Wow, it's like you can read Jessica's mind! How did you know there was something wrong! It's like you have a sixth sense. It's fate, y'all. These two are destiny.

There's Something Stuck In My Throat

Y'all probably knew I couldn't resist, but before I get to dealing with this weird lump-thing in my throat: the effing tape is back. Close-ups, serious musical underscoring, the whole deal. My apologies to anyone who does find the Natalie's-babydaddy story to be riveting entertainment still, but I call mercy. Can someone please just overhear Brody monologuing to Liam about how he's not his bio-father? I do not care. I'm fine if this story gets resolved in one single solitary solo episode. I've been sick of that damn tape for a long time now. I want someone to crush it. Crush it. Let the ghost of Dr. Buhari come hover over John and Natalie and Brody and tell the truth and everyone can look at each other all "Oopsie" and John and Natalie can have their boring Cool Kids reunion and Brody can go freak out somewhere giving intense looks all over the place, but can it just happen now? And quickly?

Also, Dorian and Kelly don't actually get exit stories? Seriously? For serious? Really? They just get exit reasons? I find this so difficult and preposterous to believe that I'm assuming they've got something in their back pocket and we'll see them after these exits again. Are they going to be in Blair's story about Todd at all?! Yes, they are. Of course they are. This couldn't be as ridiculous as it seems. It couldn't be. It just couldn't be. It's fine by me if David goes off to do a Swedish art film (I've always thought he'd be great opposite Liv Ullman, haven't you?), but for Dorian and Kelly to just jaunt off like this? With nothing? Nothing? I don't accept it. I simply don't.

Tea and Blair were pretty funny today all testy with each other, though I'm glad Tea finally admitted that Blair wasn't actually evil (and come on, has been a damn good friend to her), and Florencia Lozano was adorable kicking things over in the house in that cute little sundress and I cannot wait to see what she does with whatever is handed to her tomorrow. 

But... the Todds. Trevor St. John was phenomenal today. I might sound hyperbolic, but he did fabulous work when Irene told him he's Victor. The not-Todd Todd.

If I thought the Emmys next year were going to do anything more than a cursory nod at OLTL since it'll be over by then, I'd say St. John and Roger Howarth and Erika Slezak and Jerry verDorn and Kassie dePaiva and Florencia Lozano and half the damn cast would get nominated for their work. They won't, and I say that because I live on Earth and breathe air and those are the prerequisites for knowing that won't happen. But really. TSJTodd, who I mostly loathe (not the actor but the character in the last few years, and I won't even link because it's like 80% of what I've complained about here that isn't Ford-related) (shit, I'm sorry I tainted this post with the F-word... that F-word!) the last few years, just about broke me. I can't wait to see what St. John does with this material the next few weeks.

This Show Is Bananas

I feel it necessary to include a disclaimer that the following list is completely and totally factual, and all items contained therein happened exactly as represented, with no satire or phrasing of things in an overly dramatic way to exaggerate. It's not that I don't understand why you'd wonder that because, seriously, keep reading, but I just want to stress: real and true and what the hell?

1. Sonny stormed into Robin and Patrick's home, where they live with their young daughter, on an angry mission to find Jax and Josslyn (maybe I should put sarcastic airquotes around the "and Josslyn" because Joss and her fat-head were seriously not the cause for Sonny's fury; he'd probably act just as angrily and irrationally if Jax had run off with one of the sheep from Carly's nativity set. "I swear to God, Jax, you don't give me back that sheep and I'll kill you! Sheep stealing scum don't deserve to live!") and brandished a gun.

2. Sonny planned to murder Jax in Robin's home, while her daughter was there, and wound up shooting--accidentally, yes, and in the arm, but still, this is cause for concern!--shooting Robin.

3. Robin tried to tell Patrick that Emma hadn't seen or heard anything that had happened, even though the first word a flummoxed Patrick heard when he walked into his own living room was "Mommy got shot".

4. Robin insisted that Patrick not call the police.

5. Patrick listened to Robin.

6. There was absolutely zero follow up to Robin's shooting on today's episode.

What the crikey fuck?!

It's My Lucky Day

First of all, Roxy was on today's episode.

Second of all, Kelly mentioned Zane for, what, only the fourth time since she re-joined the show? And is all of a sudden crying about how it seems so long ago that he was as tiny as a baby even though we have absolutely no idea how old he's supposed to be. Now she's feeling maternal? Hysterical. The moments go by so fast! Yeah, Kells, especially when you leave your kid in another country and move away for years. (Yes, it's part of the set-up of the Cramer exodus -- which makes me very sad -- but could they have given just a few more days of Kelly being wistful about her son?)

Okay, but the main event. The explanation of how RHTodd and TSJTodd have the same memories and the same DNA. I mean, y'all? It had to be insane, no matter what. The set-up is insane and makes no sense, just like TSJTodd showing up eight years ago with no fingerprints and some reassuring memories was insane and made no sense. So it had to be off-the-wall in that "only on a soap" kind of awesome way, but I steered clear of spoilers and today was all brand new information for me. I expected and wanted off-the-wall and insane? I got it and then some. Holy crap! Everyone was gathered for the lengthy monologue from the back-from-the-dead woman who tells the entire ridiculous tale and includes actual phrases such as, "Please boys, be patient. Everything will be explained." and "Be patient, Victoria. I'm getting to it."

Irene: That's when I discovered that I'd been carrying twins. I could barely afford to take care of one child, never mind two. So I gave one of my babies to Peter to raise. The one I'd named Todd.

RHTodd: I remember.

TSJTodd: Yeah, so do I.

Viki: Ubbub, hang on. Well, what happened to the other one?

Irene: Ah, the other one. He was quiet. Different. What some might call, uh, special. I raised him myself. Named him Victor. Victor Lord, Junior. 

I mean at this point I'm already dying. We've always known that Todd is "special," of course. It's so brave of the show to finally admit it.

Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.8, "Spellbound"

Why, why, whyyyy--as petulant as that reads as typed, it's nowhere near as whiny as it is when I speak it, which I have, often, whenever I mention True Blood to people--does a season of True Blood speed by so quickly?! You wait months that feel like decades for a new season to premiere, and then after what feels like a handful of episodes, the season starts to draw to a close. We're already at episode 8. 8! Luckily, it was eight kinds of awesome. After Pam's sass, click the jump to read for more.

Is The Honeymoon Over Already?!

Perhaps that is a needlessly reactionary way of phrasing it, but I do have to admit that the cartoon hearts that floated around my head whenever I spoke or even thought of Garin Wolf (which was generally just when I was writing about General Hospital, any FBI agents who may be reading this, so there's no need to put me on a watchlist of any sort) have definitely diminished in quantity.

I know that the writing staff has the unenviable task of cleaning up a whole lot of messes that Bob Guza started--messes that, in some cases, lasted for nearly a decade! That should garner them a grace period, I know, but I am cranky and I will just not stand for certain things. Like, trying to wring drama out of Jason's coma, as if there were any chance that his latest near death experience would be the one to take. "I wonder if he will live!", asked no one, worriedly. Everything about Jax's kidnapping of Josslyn made me seethe. And then are the Johnny and Anthony scenes, which seem hopelessly random and not particularly interesting; it's not enough just to throw a hot guy and a hilariously over-the-top scenery chewer in a series of interminably long scenes together. I need a plot!

But what really pushed me over the edge and back into the familiar world of almost total irritation with GH (helped along, I must admit, by some dreary weather and allergies that just won't quit. Remember when allergies were an annoyance confined to the 31 days of March? Why have they spanned two entire seasons?!) were the following statements.

Olivia: And Michael's your son. No matter how good Dante's intentions were, Michael suffered, and he went to prison because of Dante's choices. I know we got long memories when it comes to our kids.

What? No. Michael did not go to prison because of Dante's choices. Michael went to prison because the three defective, self-righteous, and legally challenged adults in his life went into overdrive covering up a self-defense killing with a series of unconvincing lies, plots and schemes.

Also, for someone with a long memory when it comes to her kid, she is totally okay with hanging out with and defending THE MAN WHO SHOT HER UNARMED SON IN THE CHEST, SERIOUSLY, WHY AM I THE ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD STILL ANGRY ABOUT THIS?!

Sonny: No, I heard Jason is gonna be taken care of.
Sam: I don't think you understand how important this is.
Sonny: Have you seen Robin?
Sam: I am talking about your best friend who is having a biopsy on his brain because there is something scary in there. Why are you so intent on finding Robin?
Sonny: I need information.
Sam: About what? Why?
Sonny: Excuse me.
Sam: What could be so important?
Sonny: I can't get into this right now with you.
Sam: What has gotten into you, Sonny? Are you kidding me? After everything that Jason has done for you, after how many times he's put his life on the line for you? Don't tell me this is about Jax. Is this about evening a score with Jax?
Sonny: Can you answer the damn question? Have you seen Robin or not?

What a fucking tool. Not only does his insatiable need to get revenge on Jax for "kidnapping Joss", when we all know that it's more about getting revenge on Jax for being friends with Brenda trump the life of his supposed friend*, but he cops that kind of an attitude about it?! Hate. Hate. Haaate.

*But it's okay that he has absolutely no use or patience for Jason's ordeal because Jason's family and medical professionals are there so there is no need to worry!

Vanity At Its Best

I hope I was not the only one in stitches during Friday's The Bold and the Beautiful. It wasn't just that Bill spent half the episode crunched down in his chair speaking in a cocky manner with his collar up by his ear.

It's more that he has a giant glamour shot of himself sitting behind him in his office! These people are hilarious.

Why Do These Episodes Keep Ending?

I mean I sit there every day watching One Life to Live and I get excited or angry or irritated or moved or any number of things and then all of a sudden the most horrible thing happens: the episodes end. All of them. They just keep ending. With whom may I file a complaint? Don't they understand this is just a terrible business model?

I mean, you know, hot damn, show! I really cannot remember the last time I was so excited every single day to watch this (or any) soap, and it keeps being solidly good (if not great) and my main complaint is that it's not long enough. I want more!

It's not all perfect. I didn't need to see Starr and James finally consummate their relationship, although it's about damn time. Is it not just a bit hysterical that they've been together for more than half a year and they still haven't managed to find an hour in private to seal this deal? It was odd timing, too. Her world has seriously been shaken -- and sure, comfort sex is one thing, but she looked totally at peace and focused on being madly and happily in love today. Way to compartmentalize, Starr! Damn. If I see a cute boy on the train on my way home, I generally try to get into my apartment with my Metrocard. She's terribly good at emotional multi-tasking. I guess she'd have to be. 

Not good at emotional multi-tasking? Nora. I love Nora, I really do, but she crossed a serious line today. I don't want to turn this into a forum on the abortion issue here, but I think most people can at least agree that it's incredibly inappropriate and insensitive to try to guilt a pregnant teenager into having and giving you her child! I understand that she's in a lot of pain about Matthew's coma, but a mini-Matthew isn't going to dissipate that pain, nor she does have any right at all to emotionally blackmail a seventeen-year-old girl about it.

Poor Destiny. Those scenes were absolute agony to watch, and that's not a criticism -- such a thing could very well happen. We often behave in ways we have no right to when we feel we've lost all control over what we love in our lives. My tummy was in knots that whole time.

My tummy was also in knots for Blair. Tomas has chosen this moment to tell her he's falling in love with her? Hey, Tomas? I know you wouldn't know it because of what Blair's daughter is up to right now, but Blair's got a few things on her mind. Romance is likely not on the list. (Well, maybe romance. Just not with him.) That was just a bizarre bomb for him to drop right now -- how 'bout earn a spot in her life by being her rock right now during all this madness?

I...He is Just...The Worst. The Worst Squared.

I wouldn't blame you if you glanced at that title and assumed that I was writing about Sonny, because such speechless expressions of hatred are my default when mentioning him, but today, we're looking at the younger generation, and we are looking at them with loathing, mingled with disgust, hoping that someone offscreen is lurking with a shiv, ready to do damage.

Abby: If I wanted to be treated like eye candy, I'd still be stripping at the club.
Michael: Fine. Sorry I took you off the pole.

If I had been eating something at the moment he uttered those words, I would have CHOKED on it and I probably would have DIED, or at least been hospitalized, and my poor parents would have a lifetime of awkwardly explaining to people that General Hospital kills. Disgusting. Not just because it made me become surprisingly protective of Abby and get insulted on her behalf (although that's part of it, because it makes me uncomfortable) but because that is so disgusting and condescending and offensive and GROSS and I find myself looking back on the era of his coma with longing.

Fashion Icons of the World: You Have Been Unseated

Mercy me.

Upon first glance, it really could just look like a black shirt made out of shiny fabric.

You know, not everybody's taste, but it's fine. Oh, and it has a matching bracelet!

Also shiny. Okay.

And, wait...

It has matching shoes, too. Same fabric. Wait, a bracelet and boots made out of the same shiny, stiff fabric as the top?

No. Because look again, Miss Young Fashion Heiress is wearing what appears to be a matching set of a black LEATHER shirt, bracelet, and boots. Sweet mercy, y'all. And if that's not leather, it's at least rubber. So, you know, best case scenario: a matching set of a black RUBBER shirt, bracelet, and boots.

Upside? It looks hot with an apron.

 Hot.

(I know, I know. I'm going to have to find more ways to lock into this show besides wanting to see Steffy get hers and also snarking on her fashion choices, but... a lot of these characters are just so damn likable. Or at least not horribly objectionable. Can they quit with that? I need people to start doing appalling things again!)