It was bound to happen sooner or later. It was pretty much three straight weeks of One Life to Live kicking all manner of ass. Pure soap heaven for me. It couldn't last.
It's not that yesterday's was a bad episode -- there was some great stuff in there. But there was a dark, dark cloud over all of it that made it impossible to enjoy and too easy to pick apart. What was that dark cloud? Oh, you know.
Dammit. We'd gotten such a nice break from Ford, but there he was, grinning and being oh-so-cute with HIS SON (did you know he has a son? He does, and he's a changed man, y'all, it's a beautiful thing!) and apparently "challenging" Jessica or some shit that's supposed to make us want their adversarial relationship to turn romantic because it's just so hot. It's not. It will never be hot. They're totally gross. And this actually happened.
Jessica: Well, I found out the man I thought was my Uncle Todd is really my Uncle Victor, my dad's under house arrest. Oh! And Natalie and Brody just happened to leave some apartment listings lying around in case I didn't get the memo that they're totally crazy in love! (Dear Jessica, you should watch them together sometime. It couldn't more stiff and awkward. There's certainly no joy or love going on there. Go claim your man, please. He'll be available any second now. --Ed.)
And then regarding Clint...
Ford: So, he gets to live in this mansion, with his daughter checking in on him, surrounded by his grandkids like he hasn't done a damn thing wrong?!
Jessica: Keep your voice down, you'll wake Ryder.
Ford: Did you know that his hired muscle beat me so badly that I had to check into a hospital?
(The line that should have been here is Jessica: Oh, you mean when he had them beat you up for the first time you took advantage of my mental illness and sexed me up and then lied about it so you wouldn't get into the trouble you so obviously deserved to be in? --Ed.)
Ford: Jessica, he changed Ryder's paternity test so that I wouldn't even know he was mine! Not to mention the countless other crimes he committed. And now he has to do his time here. There are -- there are so many things wrong with this I don't even know where to start!
(Dear Ford, would you like me to start counting up your crimes? You know, the ones that you've never had to deal with actually being prosecuted for? Remember when you blackmailed a serial killer which led to the deaths of a few more people? Oh, and how about statutory rape? And breaking and entering, and overpowering and tying up a nun? Do I need to keep going, ass-munch? --Ed.)
Jessica: Fine, fine, why don't you go upstairs and yell at him? And then maybe the heart that Rex sold him will burst right out of his chest! Will that make you feel better?
(No, seriously, he gave her that look. That shocked, hurt look. Seriously. As if she'd crossed some line and he just couldn't believe it. Seriously. --Ed.)
Ford: Jessica. Jessica, what am I missing. What's going on?
Okay, really? Was this supposed to be some beautiful moment that showed us just how sensitive he is to her that he can tell that there's something really wrong? Uh, what do the words "I found out the man I thought was my Uncle Todd is really my Uncle Victor, my dad's under house arrest. Oh! And Natalie and Brody just happened to leave some apartment listings lying around in case I didn't get the memo that they're totally crazy in love!" mean to you, Ford? Wow, it's like you can read Jessica's mind! How did you know there was something wrong! It's like you have a sixth sense. It's fate, y'all. These two are destiny.