Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.8, "Spellbound"
Why, why, whyyyy--as petulant as that reads as typed, it's nowhere near as whiny as it is when I speak it, which I have, often, whenever I mention True Blood to people--does a season of True Blood speed by so quickly?! You wait months that feel like decades for a new season to premiere, and then after what feels like a handful of episodes, the season starts to draw to a close. We're already at episode 8. 8! Luckily, it was eight kinds of awesome. After Pam's sass, click the jump to read for more.
When we last left the good people of Bon Temps, Jessica was about ready to say "Good day, Sunshine!" and burn herself to a crisp; we didn't think that she'd do it and we guessed that Jason would dive in to save her, but still, it was a pretty good cliffhanger ending, no? And knowing what was going to happen next doesn't make it any less awesome when Jason does dive in and tackle Jessica. She overpowers him for a second and seems poised to strike, but Antonia's spell ends and she gets her wits back and is immediately grateful to him for saving her life. Jessica shows gratitude with kiss and before you know it, the two of them are making out in the foyer of Bill's mansion.
Their moment is interrupted by the sound of Bill screaming Jessica's name from his basement cell, which I find hilarious. Bill Cockblockton strikes again!
Jason carries Jessica (who feels tremendously guilty seeing Bucky's dead body on the floor) downstairs and makes a deal with Bill to ignore the whole "dead guard bleeding out on the floor" thing if Bill looks past the fact that Jason had to shoot one of his guards ("In the shoulder," Jason adds helpfully).
Tonight Is The Night When 2 Become 1
Let's discuss two things for a second.
1.) How quickly I used to skip "2 Become 1" on my well-played Spice Girls CD whenever my parents were within earshot. I think I sprained an ankle once diving to change it.
2.) Anna Paquin's job description includes "making out with Alexander Skarsgard and fondling his ass". I...jealous is not the word.
Sookie realizes that Eric isn't healing as quickly as usual because he hasn't fed and offers her own blood, with the stipulation that he isn't to go crazy on it. He feeds on her and then offers to return the favor so that their blood becomes one. It's a crazy hot scene...
...until the tripping starts. Watching anyone on this show get high on V makes me profoundly uncomfortable, on account of the cheese and the silliness. They freaking had sex in snowy woods. On a bed in the middle of snowy woods! While saying all sorts of awkward and loved up things to each other. It was hard to take, really. Although Anna Paquin was really funny as a high Sookie.
Also, nice strategically placed blanket, HBO!
A Day In The Life
Sam Merlotte needs a day off just from...life. He goes to visit Luna and provides her with some backstory on Tommy's life and his newfound ability to skinwalk admits that he's able to look past Tommy murdering their parents, but he can't forgive him for what he did to Luna. This softens Luna's quite a bit and she invites him for dinner and an opportunity to bond some more with the adorable Emma. Sounds good, if cloying, right? Except for the fact that Emma's father stops by. Remember the unstable, violent, possessive guy Luna mentioned a few episodes back? Well, it turns out that he's Alcide's greasy, sociopathic pack leader! Nothing in this man's life goes smoothly, does it? No wonder he has such (barely) suppressed rage! Everything he touches turns to drama.
...Also, Tommy is the Worst
Tommy is the worst because he broke into Maxine Fortenberry's to take some clothing, jewelry, and a little (though not enough, judging by the way the finished product was slightly off) makeup to shift into Maxine so that he could follow through on that oil money scheme he tried to engineer a few episodes back.
His meeting with the salesman went...poorly. "Maxine" seemed deranged; I mean, she often is her own peculiar breed of deranged, but this was an angry and unhinged kind of crazy. "She" tried playing hardball during negotiations and the salesman basically laughed in "her" face, but did agree to cut "her" a check. What a tool this kid is! He then passed out in the woods after shifting back to himself and vomiting again and I seriously hope that he gets caught up in the vampire/witch war and is a casualty.
Breaking Up Is Hard To Do (And Even Harder To Watch)
Jessica goes home to find a filthy, miserable, Hoyt, who is worried sick about her. He confesses that he can't live without her, which she takes as a nice segue for her to tell him that she wants to leave him. His heart breaks. You can almost see it break into a million pieces right before your eyes as she tells him that sometimes, love just ain't enough. He weeps. A lot. He grovels. It's painful to watch. He repeatedly says that life without Jessica is a life not worth living, and she rolls her eyes before she finally gives him his wish--suddenly and brutally slams his head into a counter. I legitimately freaked out at this point; like, I gasped and sort of wheezed because a) HOYT! and b) UNEXPECTED!
Covered in Hoyt's blood, she goes outside to find Jason waiting in his truck, wanting nothing more than to have sex with her in his truck.
At this point, we find out that it was all a dream and I breathe easy for a second, until their actual breakup comes and I am equally horrified and disgusted. Real life Hoyt doesn't grovel. He rages. And it is horrible and profoundly difficult to listen to.
Hoyt: You don't deserve me and I sure as hell don't deserve you. I deserve someone who's not going to be a fucking virgin for all of eternity. I deserve someone I can have a normal life with, with kids and daylight. Someone who's not going to look at all the love I have to offer and just say "Sorry, not good enough". Someone who's not fucking dead. [...]Maybe God really does hate Fangers and you know? So do I.
Horrible. He rescinds her invitation and rages inside as she cries bloody tears on the front porch and I sat there for a few beats just waiting for this, too, to be a dream sequence. Guys, I am ANGUISHED. Poor Jessica! And poor Hoyt, who was seriously written out of character there, because those were just some unforgivable statements. Filled with despair right now. FILLED.
Jessica later goes to see Jason who is just horrified at the entire situation and yells at her that Hoyt is his best friend in the world; he says he doesn't want any part of this and rescinds HIS invitation. As she is kicked out of his house, she wails "But you kissed me back!", which is such a teenage girl reaction. I always forget that Jess was, like, 17 when she died, so that was a nice touch. Jason once again turned to exercise to work off his sexual frustration. The man is going to be, like, the buffest ever.
Guys and Dolls
So, Lafayette gets the inside scoop on the ghost he's been seeing lurking around Terry and Arlene's son: she bought the creepy, evil doll that Mikey has taken such a liking to for her baby. But she learns from the baby's married and white father that the baby is dead (and, I think, that he killed him? Although I could be wrong there) and he won't even let her see it. It's very sad! But when she visits Lafayette at home, she possesses him and gets him to walk over to the Bellefleur's and take the baby and the doll, which I am sure will end well.
I had a seriously uneasy feeling watching Lafayette (Nelsan Ellis was pretty damn phenomenal at mimicking the ghost's body language) walk through the house after taking Andy's gun. I hope no Bellefleurs get shot! Certainly not Terry and definitely not Mona, and Andy...well, if that's what has to happen, I'll live with it.
A Pack of Lies
Marcus, the greasy and possibly sociopathic Shreveport pack leader, lectures his pack--including newbies Debbie and Alcide--about not getting involved in the imminent vampire/witch war and drops about three dozen F-bombs to really make his point known. Debbie keeps glancing over at Alcide to make sure that some of this is penetrating his thick, albeit handsome, skull, but he has a pretty good stone face going on, so who the hell knows? It's obvious, though, that she thinks his inner monologue is "Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie, Sookie". She is just loving being part of a pack again, though.
Debbie: I think I made some friends tonight. A couple really nice bitches. Feels like I belong.
She is ridiculous and I love it.
Marcus comes to say hey and Alcide tells him that he appreciates what he said about staying away from vampires, which makes Debbie's eyes go big with hopefulness. The two of them break up a fight between two hotheaded young werewolves and Alcide handles himself well, which doesn't escape Marcus's notice; he later tells Alcide that he could be a pack leader one day, which...foreshadowing, maybe? If Marcus, say, winds up turning evil or turning up dead. Which, I am getting ahead of myself, aren't I?
Anyway, Debbie point-blank asks Alcide to listen to what Marcus said and forget about Sookie, noting that vampires are part of Sookie's baggage. When Debbie Pelt is being astute, the world feels topsy-turvy! She asks him to promise to stay away from Sookie and he does which...I am so sure.
War: What Is It Good For?
It is good for entertaining me!
After a television appearance that enraged Antonia (watching her angrily try to operate a remote control was a nice touch. I giggled), Bill called Marnie's to ask her to meet him, alone, to see if they could work through this centuries old feud peacefully. Since Antonia and Tara had just finished a nice bonding session over ridding the world of vampires, I don't see it going down quite like that.
Bill prepares for battle and Sookie and Eric arrive to volunteer to fight with him. Not to disagree with the hot Viking, who claims that Sookie has the heart of a warrior, but what a dumbass. If this episode doesn't end with Sookie facing a life-threatening injury, it will be one of the biggest shocks in True Blood's history! Seriously, a non-injured Sookie would be right up there with Russell Edgington ripping a guy's spine out on live television.
To the surprise of no one, both sides brought soldiers. The deck was sort of stacked on the vampire side though, right? Vampires, armed humans and a telepath vs. a powerful witch, an angry vampire hater and some random hippie Wiccans. I know Antonia is terrifying and that Tara has a lot of rage that makes her a worthy opponent, but still! It was expected when the hippies started to fall.
Then, there was just nonstop action.
ERIC kills a guy.
ANTONIA creates fog, just to set the mood.
TARA kills a vampire but loses her gun to Pam, who is just about to kill her when Bill intervenes.
Bill: I command you, do not harm her. Now or ever. If you do, I will personally execute you
Pam: This is so fucking lame!
I loved that, seriously. Mr. Compton, you have your moments.
ALCIDE rushes to Sookie's house and hears screams, so he takes off into the woods. Followed, as you might imagine, by Debbie in wolf form.
SOOKIE uses her fairy fingers to fend off a guy who tries to silver her (ha!) but then gets shot, which alarms both Eric and Bill. She slumps on a tree, bleeding from her stomach wound.
As I learned watching something completely inappropriate for a child to be watching in my youth, gunshot wounds to the stomach are seriously deadly (seriously, what was I watching that I picked that up? But I clearly remember learning about it and being nervous for a while. Not that the suburbs of Westchester are riddled with gunfights). Alcide finds her and carries her off. Debbie watches and shifts back into her human self, looking both hurt and angry. Her breakdown is a-coming, y'all.
ERIC encounters Antonia who, in a matter of seconds, HAS HIM ON HER KNEES AND UNDER HER CONTROL OMG! She strokes his hair like he's her pet! WHY IS IT NOT NEXT SUNDAY YET!
Seriously, there were a few episodes over the past few weeks that dragged a bit and were filled with more filler than awesome, but the show is on a roll right now; this is traditionally the part of the season where the show really hits its stride, which has me clapping my hands like an overly excited seal about next week's show. !!!