Sucks So Good: True Blood 4.9, "Let's Get Out Of Here"
With that, I could be referring to the events of "Let's Get Out of Here" OR the news that Joe Manganiello is thisclose to taking a role in Steven Soderbergh's movie about male strippers, both of which are equally deserving of exclamation points.
While Jason rocks out, head behind the cut and we can dissect the events of "Let's Get Out of Here" (which is the ninth episode of the season. I think I am just going to pretend that the season isn't ending in a matter of weeks. Delusion, yay!)
Bleeding profusely from her stomach wound, Sookie lies unconscious in Alcide's arms as he sprints to get help. He can't sprint fast enough for Bill's liking, as His Majesty swoops in and zooms her back over to her house, hoping to heal her with his blood. The blood that she cannot drink because she's basically unconscious. Alcide comes in, concerned and irritated that Bill let Sookie get involved in yet another violent escapade. Bill has zero time for his reindeer games.
Bill: Werewolf, I'm gonna need you to shut the fuck up!
But when Alcide wonders what they are going to do, Bill turns to religion.
Bill: We can pray.
Alcide: Werewolf and vampire? Who's gonna listen?
Bill: That I do not know.
And on Bill's pained and worried face, we head to the credits. Apparently, we are supposed to spend these few minutes wondering if the show's heroine, who has already escaped death several times and, really, seems to be more immortal than some of the vampires she pals around with, is going to die. She wakes up, obvi, and her first thought is about Eric--scared witless that he's missing again. At yet another instance of Sookie putting the needs of a vampire before her own health, Alcide announces that he's done and storms out, which I am so sure will stick.
Are You a Good Witch, or a Bad Witch?
Over at the Moon Goddess Emporium, some of Marnie's former faithful are perplexed that Antonia brought Eric back with them. She demonstrates that Eric is now under her control:
Antonia: Tell them, Blonde One.
Eric, as though shocked that she even needs to ask: I am yours.
This doesn't really ease the worry of most of them. Holly, in particular, is concerned; the increasingly annoying Roy is willing to do or say whatever to get in Antonia's good graces, so he's cool with it. And then fucking Tara!
Tara: I think I speak for everyone when I say this isn't what any of us signed up for.
So, was Antonia being too subtle when she discussed with Tara last week a way to make all vampires disappear from the face of the earth? What the hell did Tara think she was signing up for?
Anyway, Antonia is becoming increasingly tightly wound (she rages at Holly when she refers to her as Marnie) and has big plans for the Festival of Tolerance.
Sam's Club (Of Bad Luck and Poor Life Choices)
Sam tells Luna that he's going to stick around, no matter how angry Marcus is, and gets her to agree to take Emma camping. They have some scenes where they enjoy nature and bond, in a cute fashion.
Marcus, meanwhile, goes to Merlotte's leaves a message with Tommy asking Sam to visit him later. I am sure this will turn out great! A jealous, vengeful werewolf facing off against a kid with poor impulse control and myriad sins to make up for! And I am sure I have mentioned this before, but I get SO uncomfortable when the characters sniff each other, and tonight, there seemed to be a whole lot of sniffing.
Smells Like Teen Angst
Jessica's heart is broken! She spends (regrettably, off-camera) three hours filling a hilariously uninterested and slightly aghast Nan Flanagan in on the recent turn her love life has taken.
Jessica: This is the worst day of my life. I wish I was dead!
Nan: There have been times, I'll admit, it's occurred to me that maybe I should put my career on hold and become a maker. These last several hours here with you have erased those doubts forever.
Jessica, petulantly: You are nothing like you are on TV!
I love Jessica's (a) well-documented streak of annoying people and (b)teenage-...um, teenage-ness. Later in the episode, Hoyt boxes up all of Jessica's belongings, cruelly marking it "For You, Monster" and we see that it includes a Taylor Swift CD and Twilight. HA!
Bill interrupts the bonding session and Nan asks him to bring her up to speed on the latest debacle of his own making; I don't think even she was expecting just how much he fucked up this time. The show immediately cuts to the three of them under ground and silvered, and I crack up some more. Well played, editors!
Bill wonders what is so important about the Festival of Tolerance and she points out that a ton of press will be there. He suggests that he blame the witches, since our history includes a whole lot of witch hating.
Nan: I didn't think it possible, but you actually make me long for Queen Sophie-Anne. I mean, what the fuck, Bill?
Bill tells her that she can't see the big picture and after a few minutes of silent tension, she tells him to beef up security if he must, but the festival is happening no matter what.
The Time That Kidnapping and Possession Was JUST TOO WEIRD, Even for Bon Temps
Hoyt, who isn't doing so well (please see above, re: boxing up Jessica's things and calling her a monster) stumbles around the house in his house when all of a sudden Lafayette walks in with Mikey. Lafayette, remember, is possessed by that spirit (whose name we learn is Mavis and, in the interest of time, I will just refer to her as such); let's take a minute to reflect on how remarkable Nelsan Ellis is because his Lafayette as Mavis is impeccable. Anyway, Mavis pulls a gun on him and chases him out of "her" house, screaming at Hoyt that Mikey is "her" baby.
Over at the Bellefleur's, a hysterical Arlene and Terry report the kidnapping to Jason and a half-asleep Andy runs in and finds a vial of V in a couch cushion that Arlene threw around in her state of panic. Hoyt calls Jason and fills him in on a situation that can only be described as sheer WTF?, and also requests that Jason bring him pants (ha!). Andy tells Terry not to come with them and, when he goes to get Hoyt some pants, takes the entire vial of V, which I am sure will end well for him.
Jason and Andy charge Hoyt's house; Mavis is concerned about Andy being a white man, which just confuses the hell out of Andy, who is growing more angry and volatile by the second--he even refers to Lafayette as a she-male just before he breaks down the door. Mavis shoots at them and forces them both out of the house. A bad situation becomes worse when Terry and Arlene drive up and then the situation blows up even MORE when Jesus arrives, at Arlene's request. It blows up HILARIOUSLY.
Jason: I have a theory. When the two of you roleplay, does Lafayette ever turn into a woman named Mavis?
Jesus: I'm going to forget you just said that.
He plans to go in and tells Arlene that he's going to get her baby back; Terry says he's going with and offers a plan filled with all sorts of military precision.
Jesus: I'm a nurse. I'm not even going to pretend what you just said.
Terry: (Nods in understanding)
Jesus walks in as Mavis holds Mikey and sings to him; she pulls a gun on him and he pledges to help her, admitting that he's a brujo and can help her. He gives her some real talk, telling her that Arlene is the baby's mother and offers to help her come to terms with the fact that she's dead (she didn't know!), needs to come to peace with something, and is in Lafayette's body. The last bombshell shocks her most of all.
"Mavis", after grabbing Lafayette's crotch: How I make a baby with this meat?
Mavis breaks down and later, Jesus gets her to remember what happened after the death of her baby: her baby's father killed her. After coming to terms with that, Mavis returns Mikey to his parents and apologizes.
Terry: That's all right. Sometimes these things happen, Lafayette.
I LOVE TERRY!
Later, everyone digs up Hoyt's backyard until they find the bodies of Mavis and her son. Once she gets to hold him, her soul is released from Lafayette's body and everyone marvels at it a bit and then...it's over.
Mavis: Thank you for everything.
Lafayette: You got it, bitch.
Okay, I need to ask: what was the point of that storyline? Yes, it led to some great performances and all, but really? They have to tie it into one of the main storylines for it not to be a complete and utter tangent, right? I mean, after all of that buildup, was that it? Or is there a point? Should I ask a few more questions? ???
Counting 1,2,3/Eric, Bill and Sookie/Getting Down With 3 P/Everybody Loves Counting
Sookie has herself a flirtatious little dream about Bill and Eric (tellingly, the Eric she's fantasizing about is Eric pre-amnesia, complete with his serious voice and badass swagger. It is kind of nice to see his bored, superior face!). The three of them, it turns out, can read everyone's minds and the truth comes out that Sookie loves Bill and Eric; she, rather assertively, tells them that they need to have a talk about the state of their relationship. She admits that she loves them both, which scandalizes Bill ("That's not who you are!"), and says that she doesn't have to belong to either of them; but that both of them should be hers. Neither of them go for it.
Sookie: First of all, you two are vampires. What's with all the morality?
She asks them to love her back, together, as she disrobes. They decide to go for it, basically, and bite her in tandem.
1. Anna Paquin's body is on point. OMG.
2. How weird must it be to shoot a sort of threesome, half-naked, with a Swedish sex god and your husband? The mind boggles.
The Crazy/Sane Alliance
Debbie shows up at Sookie's, high (oh, yeah: earlier in the episode, she relapsed. Also, she watched Cheaters, which, HA!) and perfecting her most winsome fake smile. Sookie remembers the last time Debbie visited and, you know, almost killed her; understandably, she flinches a little when Debbie reaches behind her. To brandish flowers, not a gun. Over an awkward cup of sweet tea, Debbie tells her how much she loves Alcide and also, that she knows Sookie is in trouble. She wants to help in an effort to make things better between the two of them and, after listening into her thoughts, Sookie agrees to let her help out.
Bros Before Hos!
Alcide goes to visit Marcus and tells him that he wants in, as far as pack leadership goes, admitting that he'll do it because it's important to Debbie. Marcus is happy to have him on board in such a prominent role, especially since he has plans to kick Sam Merlotte's ass that night. He wonders if Alcide would mind lurking silently in the background in an imposing fashion and when he hears that he won't have to administer any beatdowns, Alcide says he's in.
The night did not go as smoothly as Marcus had assumed it would, mostly because Tommy shows up as Sam. I'd like to think that he's taking what he knows will be a beatdown to make up for all of the horrible things he's done to Sam, but it's entirely possible that he's doing this because he's a moron. In case you've forgotten that point, as if on cue, he starts mouthing off--with a trace of glee in his voice, he tells Marcus that his brother had sex with Luna, not Sam, and all of the werewolves jump in and violently--like, upsettingly so--beat Tommy-as-Sam up. It's horrifying. Alcide eventually does the right thing (a little late, but still. Also, tank top!) and pushes all of them off of Tommy-as-Sam. Who is soon revealed as Tommy. Which makes everybody say "Oh, fuck" a little bit. Alcide carries Tommy, who is bleeding from basically every orifice, out, presumably for help.
Oh, all of this was intercut with scenes of Sam and Luna having sex in a tent. So!
...Or Is It Hos Before Bros?
Jason helps Hoyt put his door back on its hinges and taunts him when he notices Jessica's copy of "Speak Now". Hoyt tells him to put it in the Monster Box and asks Jason to take it over to Jessica at Bill's. Jason is disturbed by Hoyt referring to Jess as a monster, and also tries to get out of this uncomfortable situation by claiming he doesn't want to get involved in this situation, but Hoyt says that, as his best friend, he pretty much has to.
So he does, after adorably marking up the boxes so that the "For You, Monster" is completely gone. AWW! He offers to talk to her if she ever needs it, but when she invites him, in, he declines. They stare meaningfully at each other for a bit and before you know it, a Taylor Swift song is playing and they are having sex in Jason's truck. !!!!! Two of those exclamation points are for the amazing use of Ms. Swift, but the other three are for the sexing.
Bad Idea Jeans!
Debbie and Sookie head over to the Moon Goddess Emporium. Sookie sneaks in through the back while Debbie talks to Antonia, offering allegiance to the witch's cause on behalf of her wolfpack. Sookie searches for Eric and finds him, standing sadly in the bathroom. He admits that he's under Antonia's spell and she is sending him to kill the King; Sookie takes a second to confirm that he means Bill, which duh, and they are interrupted by the ever-impatient Tara, who holds a gun on both of them.
Tara: Goddamnit, Sook, how stupid can you be?
Debbie's buzz starts to wear off as Antonia questions why the werewolves would take their cause public and Debbie, seeing the situation in the back, blurts out that she brought Sookie to Antonia. Antonia's eyes light up a little and orders Tara not to shoot, since Sookie could be useful to the witches. Tara signals to Sookie to read her mind--and Sookie finds out that (A) they're all being held hostage and (B) Bill is in danger, at the Dorchester Hotel and (C) to charge her. Sookie does, and Tara shoots blindly as Sookie makes a run for it, enraging Antonia who is pissed at the missed opportunity and also at the "fucking werewolf".
Debbie hauls ass and tries to leave, but Sookie surprises her and hitches a ride to the Dorchester Hotel. Antonia, Eric and Annoying Roy head there as well, with Antonia putting a particularly awful hex on the doors that cause them to burn the hands of anyone who tries to leave, which Tara learns the hard way.
And...Shit Goes Down
Over at the Festival of Tolerance, Bill's Sheriffs guard the Hotel while a large group of humans assemble to listen to spearkers including such luminaries as the founder of LSU's Living-Dead Alliance. He's troubled by the lack of vampires and Nan gives him an...interesting take on the civil rights movement.
Bill: It's like having a Civil Rights protest without any blacks people there.
Nan: They'e called African Americans. And maybe those protests wouldn't have turned into the bloodbaths they became if they hadn't been there. (Smugly) Ever consider that?
While Nan gives her speech, Eric shows up outside and the Sheriffs take off through the hotel in hot pursuit, leading them right to Antonia, who puts all of them under her spell. I think I got anticipatory goosebumps at that point! Bill takes the stage, full of a politician's smarm and charm, and he starts to speak. Nan rolls her eyes and tries to get comfortable for what she knows will be a long speech, because once this guy starts talking, he may never stop. He is soon interrupted, though, by Sookie screaming his name and then--THEN! THEN! The possessed Sheriffs dismember, in the manner of Russell Edgington himself, Bill's human snipers, much to the horror of the crowd. The crowd might also be horrified because the bodies of the snipers are thrown right at them, which would be upsetting.
Antonia watches delightedly, with Annoying Roy, as shit starts to get real: it's chaos, everyone is screaming, Antonia signals to Eric, who flies over to Bill, and Sookie screams at Bill to run.
And then it's OVER. And we have to wait until NEXT SUNDAY for more. I don't know if I can do it! This episode was all kinds of exciting and I think, for quite a bit after, I was sort of on a True Blood high. It's kind of like being on V, I imagine, except without the lame, nature-filled hallucinations. But the jitters are there, in the form of hand flailing, and my eyes are really wide, and I have a dopey smile on my face...