Dumb Guys and Smart Mamas
I may have mentioned this before, y'all, but the Brothers Ford are the worst. The absolute worst. Today was like Chinese water torture, watching the three of them all oiled up in towels sitting around the sauna whimpering about how unfair life is and how jealous they are of James for being in a relationship and how they wish they could be frolicking in orchards with the ladies they love and... for crap's sake, these are supposed to be teen and twentysomething guys. They sound like Amish thirteen-year-old girls.
Now look, I'm a twenty-first century gal and all. I'm all for men talking about their feelings and being openly sensitive. But there's such a thing as too much. Way too much. Man the fuck up, Ford brothers! Are they upset about their manicures? Maybe they can start doing weekly episodes where they all sit down around a cheesecake and just dish.
There are a lot of problems with these three characters, but quite frankly the most glaring one is that they are all three the same person. They all have the same personality -- dopey, saccharine, embarrassingly over-earnest guys focused entirely on which girl they like and on what their abs look like. It's actually feasible that were they to bother writing three different characters or if they were played by actors with three disparate acting styles (I actually do think the three actors vary in talent level, but I'm just talking about approach here), one or more of them might actually be appealing. Let's be honest, it's not that hard to make soap viewers forgive a character's past sins if said character's present tense is compelling enough. But there's just nothing. They're carbon copies of each other, and that shared personality is a dull one. Not to mention one with no basis in reality, therefore no potential for viewer recognition of human traits. (Okay, I guess thirteen-year-old girls can relate to their personalities, but uh.... they probably shouldn't, you know?)
This right here was a legit conversation today. I'm not satirizing, I swear:
Ford: I miss Tess.
Nate: I miss Dani.
James: I miss Starr.
James: What? It's been like a whole, like, hour.
Ford: (putting James in a headlock that looks more noogie-ish) What's that Twinkletoes (?)? Are you gonna tell us some more about how you and Starr have to go hours without seeing each other?
James: Come on, stop!
Nate: What's that James, I didn't hear you!
James: God, stop, I'm trying to tell you I know how you feel!
Ford: You don't know anything.
James: You miss Tess, I know how that feels.
Ford: Yeah? When you miss Starr, you just pick up your little phone and dial her number. Me and Nate don't have that kind of option.
James: What did I do?
Ford: Have some respect. You have a relationship.
Nate: We don't.
James: I hear you guys. And if I were you I'd hate me too.
Ford: Couldn't ask for a better brother. Nice of him to give us his blessing.
James: Shut up. I'm serious. It sucks when it feels like everybody else has someone. I've been there.
Nate: Not lately.
James: Yeah, but I know how it feels. You guys, I know how lucky I am to have Starr. Are you seriously gonna make me apologize for being happy?
Ford: No, you don't have to apologize for it, just so easy on the stories about how you and Starr frolicked through an orchard picking strawberries or whatever.
James: Dude, what the hell are you talking about? It was apples. (Ford slaps his arm.) Ow! Okay, I hear you!
And it went on like that for hours. Or what may as well have been hours. They gave each other super-sensitive sweet relationship advice, and oiled themselves up some more, and then gushed at Nate about how Dani let him hug her and how great that is. No guys have ever had a conversation that even resembles this. "No fair that you have a girlfriend and I don't!" Boy, someone in the writers' room has a real handle on what young guys talk about at the gym.
Please, please, give these people different personalities or kill two of them off, pronto. We do not need three of the same.
Across town, Blair got herself some brains! Initially she said that she believed Jack's story about having witnessed Todd murdering Victor and then later confessed to Starr she was faking it -- and she was faking it for two reasons. One, because it will just push him away to yell at and scold him and she doesn't want to lose her son. Two, reverse psychology. She's hoping that he does have some good left in him, and that her faith in him will lead him to tell the truth. See now, Blair may be a lot of things but she's always been a woman with a big heart but also some serious guile. I liked seeing her with a plan that employs both. That said, of course, she seems to be mistaken that he has a conscience if the little shit-eating "gotcha" grin he had on his face when she hugged him is any indication.
Of course, for all we know it could have just been Andrew Trischitta having some sort of involuntary facial spasm. Hard to say.
Natalie accepted the marriage proposal of a man she knows she's not in love with because of something she heard while eavesdropping, which is just so effing depressing I can't even talk about it. She used to be a spitfire, one of my favorite characters, and they just have not let her make a sympathetic choice in ages. It's hell to watch. I need cheesecake.
In conclusion, oh my God wake up, Matthew!!!