My Kingdom For a Redeeming Quality!
When Maurice Benard fumbled a line about Kate confronting her past today ("I didn't force Kate to come here, I just...look. She--she--wanted to, uh....put her past to rest" is about the closest--and most merciful--transcription I can provide, although it's possible/probable that there were even larger gaps of awkward silence), my first reaction was not derision, but solidarity. Because I had that same befuddled, dazed, and borderline incoherent reaction to everything Michael did and said today. Which is odd because everything about these events is SO TYPICAL.
1.) A series of episodes ostensibly about celebratory events such as marriage and engagement quickly devolves into something blood soaked (Dante getting shot), ominous (Franco is back. Strike up the yawn!) and disturbing (Michael and Abby having profoundly inappropriate limo sex that was upsetting on its own but also dredged up horrible memories of the time his parents did the same)? TYPICAL.
2.) Dante goes to Sonny's warehouse with no backup and no bulletproof vest? TYPICAL.
3.) Michael says something reprehensible? TYPICAL.
And yet, there I was, completely unable to form real sentences. It was like I had so many sarcastic quips and withering comments that my brain short-circuited or something, and I just sat there, slack-jawed, only able to say "...ugh" because Michael spent the bulk of the hour justifying himself for not wanting to call 911 while his BROTHER lie BLEEDING TO DEATH on the FLOOR!
Abby: I'm going to call an ambulance.
Michael: No, no. You call an ambulance, the cops will come, too. I want to call Dad.
Carly: What the hell is wrong with you?
Abby: Dante is on the floor bleeding to death, Michael. We have to get him medical attention.
Michael: Abby, this is my dad's warehouse. Dante's a cop. It looks bad. We can get Dante to GH on our own.
Abby: Your brother could be dying right now and you're wondering about how it's going to look?
Carly: You make the call. Now Abby. Go!
Let's break this down: Abby, who has the same mental faculties as a manilla folder, and Carly, who is basically a loathsome person, are the voices of reason in this scenario and are both appalled by Michael. For most people, that would have been the rudest of awakenings, but Michael welcomed the opportunity to build upon his reputation as a total douchebag with absolutely zero interest in anybody other than himself, Jason and Sonny. Oh, someone might DIE? Well, if it keeps Sonny's sterling reputation intact, well, that's just the way it goes.
Abby: The paramedics are on their way.
Michael: With the cops right behind them.
Abby: Seriously, Michael? You're more concerned with covering for Sonny than saving Dante's life?
Michael: I don't need to cover for my dad.
Carly: We have no idea what happened here.
Michael: Mom, Dad didn't do this. A, he would never shoot Dante again. And B, would he do it in the same place I got shot?
Well, when you put it that way...what the fuck is wrong with you?
He is the worst. And then watching him swan around the warehouse like he's somebody, barking orders at Shawn, it was just...do you know what it's like to wish for someone to pistol-whip a teenager? Because I do and I'm sure that Sonny does; the amount of Sonny empathy I'm having today is seriously NOT OKAY.
This is also something that happened:
Lucky: We're more like Dad; Lulu, she's more like Mom. I think on some deep level she's afraid that she's just going to take it all the way someday.
Ethan: What do you mean?
"I just mean, end up like Mom. You know, sitting in a chair, staring at a wall in Shadybrooke or something like that," answers Lucky before he STRETCHES BACK OUT ON THE FLOOR TO STARE AT TWO PILLS, POSSIBLY FOR HOURS AND YET LULU IS THE ONE WITH THE CRAZY.