Evil Doers, Doing Evil. Just Kidding, No One Here Does Anything.
It should be a HUGE warning sign--the warningest of warning signs!--that the most entertaining part of an episode of television was listening to a character, semi-hysterically and with painstaking detail, rehash storylines that took place five years ago.
(And! It wasn't even THAT entertaining, it was just MILDLY entertaining because it involved Spinelli's evening being ruined, which was a richly deserved punishment for basically lying to Maxie and holding her hostage on a boat.
Spinelli: My intention was that we would spend the evening together [...] I didn't see any other way to command your full attention.
You know where I've heard that before? In various Lifetime Movie Network movies with public service announcements about stalking tacked onto the end. That is straight up creepy, and the creepiness isn't lessened by the fact that it's coming from a manchild who speaks gibberish; in fact, that makes it even MORE creepy.)
Of course, that's assuming that...
1.) The powers-that-be at General Hospital would be bored to tears by Wednesday's show.
2.) The powers-that-be at General Hospital actually watch this show, period.
3.) The powers-that-be at General Hospital care about this show's future.
Which don't really be safe assumptions to make. I can picture them watching all breathlessly, "OMG! They don't see Lisa in the corner! And she has a SYRINGE! This is amazing!"
So, yeah. It was so freaking dull Much of the episode ostensibly centered around two of the show's "supervillains" (please picture me saying that with a sneer and an eyeroll; I--spoiler!--actually wrote an upcoming Soap Opera Digest column about how sad the state of villainy in Port Charles is between Anthony, Lisa and Franco) who did absolutely nothing. Because THAT'S entertainment.
The threat of Franco looms large in Hawaii: Jason, Shawn, Sam and Josslyn are tense and worried. Carly...well, she's been reunited with her best friend and as hard as she tries to fake worry, she can't hide her glee.
Jason: Let's just sleep on it and decide the next step in the morning.
Carly: Great! Point me to my bed.
Jason: There's only one.
"I get to room with Jason! I called it! You all heard me, I called it first! I love him best!"
Shawn: I'm really sorry about this.
Sam: Trust me, I know it's not your fault.
Which caused Carly to turn around and give her a slack-jawed stare of shock. "I can't believe you'd imply that it's my fault that Joss and I are here, even though Shawn expressly asked me to stay in Port Charles because it's a huge danger for both of us and because I make problems infinitely worse! What's your problem, McCall?!" "It's Morgan now. "FUCK YOU, IT'S NOT!"
The revellers on the yacht, however, have no idea what kind of pain is going to come their way; they don't even know Lisa is there, lurking in doorways and corners with a wild look in her eye and a syringe at the ready.
Patrick: It's a tough job, and you're doing wonderful.
Robin: What if I want more?
GENERAL HOSPITAL WRITERS: More? Like...to be violently MURDERED?! That can be arranged!
Patrick: I'm content.
Patrick: I'm more than content! I'm happy as hell being married to you.
GENERAL HOSPITAL WRITERS: Married to her...for now!
And Anthony made his way on the boat too, impossibly and inexplicably? ...why? How? The story was shaping up to be bad enough without his random ass there, too. I am filled with pre-hatred for this story.