The Sense To Nonsense Ratio Is Depressing
I'm sorry, I just cannot.
I know we, as General Hospital viewers, are expected to suspend massive amounts of disbelief, basically on a daily basis and that this week alone, we were asked to just roll with the notion that weeks in a coma would give Lisa the strength of a comic book superhero, among other equally ridiculous things. And I know that Franco's times in Port Charles have been downright offensive in how little mind they pay to logic and entertainment value and acting talent, so what's with one more I am SO sure moment? But I just can't buy that Franco could hide under Jason and Sam's bed in Hawaii, with the Morgans none the wiser.
I mean, REALLY! Forget about how these two people with dangerous lives should be naturally suspicious in any circumstance but especially so when they know they are being targeted (again) by a murderer/artist: based on what we know about Franco (specifically that he is obsessed with Jason and also terrible), there is no way he'd be able to be in Jason's presence for even a few seconds without giggling or panting. So yeah, GH. Not buying it.
That's just one of many things on General Hospital right now that I am having a hard time swallowing. There are more. Many more. Including...
- Ethan's newfound role as the Spencer family expert and the show's continuing rewrite of Spencer family history that leads to more elaborate metaphors about how home life imprisoned Luke.
- Joss not having already filed the paperwork necessary to become an emancipated minor.
Yes, she is still a toddler, but she's a highly advanced one! I don't see why she hasn't hauled ass (in those adorbs little sneakers) to the town hall to legally extricate herself from her mother's web of crazy.
- Michael NOT being this show's hate-to-hate villain.
Ethan: What do you think Laura would say about all this?
I think she would say "What the hell are you doing with my picture, you creepy, greasy man?"
And you know what she would say about THIS, Eth?
Ethan: Live small? Something Luke is fundamentally incapable of.
She would say, "YOU DON'T EVEN GO HERE!"
And you know what she would say to her daughter?
Lulu, looking at the picture of Laura after being weirded out for, like, less than three seconds that it is Ethan's new companion: It's crazy. It's like looking into a mirror.
She would say, "THAT'S crazy? That a mother and a daughter might look alike? Not the part about your brother toting me around? And also, STOP WHINING!"
But nobody hit the siblings with such knowledge. Instead, Lulu moped and moped.
Lulu: She was trying so hard to do something that was never going to happen. I think that's what eventually broke her.
Lulu: I don't know. My situation with Dante. If it's not going to work, and I'm pushing it...
Ethan: Oh. You're scared that you're more like Laura than you realize and that you're going to break just like her.
First of all, trying to domesticate Luke is not what broke Laura, although I am totally fine with pretending that the whole Rick Webber cluster never happened.
Second of all, this train of thought tells me that you are already crazy, Lulu. And that you're about two seconds away from breaking ME.
Ethan finally had enough and opted to end the conversation with some truth and some flattery.
Ethan: It sounds like you're afraid of becoming your parents, which is ridiculous because you're not Laura and you're not Luke. Just be your magnificent self.
I think he overplayed things a bit with the "magnificent" part, but desperate times and so on.
So, yes, Lulu is regretting allowing herself to be peer pressured into accepting Dante's proposal and is convinced that if she does marry him, she will go out of her mind. Dante, on the other hand, is like totally over the moon about Lulu and can't wait to get out of the hospital because he wants to see her because he loves her and wants to build a future with her and it is almost funny, really, how unsubtle it all was.
But Dante might never get out of the hospital--he might go to jail, instead, for murdering his criminally annoying brother. Oh, the cheers I would cheer if that happened. They would be gleeful.
Michael went to visit Dante, ostensibly to be a supportive sibling but also to tattle on Ronnie and Delores for being overly aggressive with Abby and a robot, respectively. The conversation turned to what happened the night that Dante got shot and Michael shut down, refusing to answer any of Dante's questions and generally being sassy.
Dante appealed to him with melodrama:
Dante: What happened to me in this warehouse didn't just cost me part of my lung...
And also snark:
Dante: You and I both know someone didn't shoot me because Sonny's coffee beans were bad.
But Michael just snitted about how typical it is of people in Port Charles to blame Sonny when things go wrong. Sadly, he made some good points (like that Dante shouldn't have gone anywhere without backup), but he made them in the most obnoxious, condescending way. I just...I need him to be punched, and often.
Michael: You know what I think really has you pissed off? This whole thing has Lulu questioning whether you should be a cop or not, and you can't pin that on Dad.
You know what I think really has Dante pissed off? The fact that he was fucking SHOT! And is missing part of his lung! And that he shares DNA with you! He is just awful.
Carly and Sam exchanged some harsh words about Carly's complete lack of boundaries when it comes to Jason. This will undoubtedly blow up in Sam's face when it turns out that Carly was RIGHT and that Franco is THERE and that Jason is in DANGER, but I was happy to see Sam throw some bitch right back at Carly. I mean, REALLY.
Sam: Need any help?
Carly: Yeah. You and Jason can come back to Port Charles.
Sam: Absolutely not.
Carly: Why? What's so important about this honeymoon?
Sam: ...an excuse for you to show up here.
Carly: An excuse because I fear for my daughter's life?!
"I fear for her life so much that I took her across country, directly into the line of fire! That's a mother's love!"
Carly, dismissively: He is your husband, but you know what? He's also my friend. And we both know that Franco tortures Jason by going after the people he loves.
"And Jason loves me, which means I am in DANGER!"
Jason: I need you to do something for me, okay?
"Anything. Is it something sexual? Because I'm there, Jase. I'm there."
As soon as Shawn started packing, Joss was saying her goodbyes, but she remained conspicuously quiet when Carly told her to tell Jason to come home soon, ha!
This adorable, though distressingly average head-sized (she's growing up so fast, sob!), toddler is basically the show's sole redeeming quality, is what I'm saying.