When Will The Cringing Stop?!
Any given episode of General Hospital leaves me with at least half a dozen questions to add to my ongoing list of unanswerable questions I have about this show (like "What trade to Sonny and Jason deal in?" "Why did they ever bring Michael out of his coma?" "Why is Spinelli?", etc.) but following today's show, I know three things for certain:
1.) The GH writers are failures on basically every level. Their typical storytelling--the dark and dready sort--is painful to sit through and their attempts at trying something new, like being romantic and playful, are just as disturbing.
2.) Scott Reeves and Lisa LoCicero are trying valiantly to have this episode wiped clean from their IMDB pages and if they're not, they should be, because their performances today were an unholy combination of sleaze and cheese and oh my god, why were they smacking their lips so loudly?!
3.) Having this episode on my DVR for longer than one hour will lead to my being added to some sort of FBI watchlist of depraved individuals.
Guys, the following happened.
Olivia ran up to Lulu at General Hospital and shticked for a few minutes before asking Lulu if she and Dante had set a wedding date yet. Lulu shrugged her shoulders and then clearly opened her mouth as if she were about to explain when Olivia interrupted her with "No, no, no! Don't tell me you changed your mind!"
We never got any followup on whether or not Lulu had changed her mind about getting married (the editing staff on this show is, as always, top notch) but whatever conversation the two of them had clearly got Olivia hot and bothered, because the next we saw, she was urging Steve to skip out on his shift and visit her at the Metro Court for some afternoon delight. There was a stripper pole, because this is General Hospital and we're not brutalizing women here, we're objectifying them.
Then--I know, people who haven't seen this episode yet because, wisely, they stopped watching the show in the late 90s, are like "How can the ick factor possibly get upped here?" but it can, and how!--came the double entendres.
Olivia: Here at the Metro Court Hotel, we pride ourselves on the finest customer service.
Steve: I'm feeling very serviced1.
Olivia: You ain't seen nothing yet2.
Olivia: I certainly hope you came hungry3.
Steve: I'm famished4.
Steve: I love me some slow backslide5.
When Olivia took a spill and hit her head--because of course she did, because that's so wacky and hilarious. Seriously, Lisa LoCicero should sue--I found myself profoundly jealous because there was a chance that she'd have brain trauma and, if she was lucky, amnesia; meanwhile, I couldn't forget this if I tried.
(Seriously, WHY DID THEY SLURP SO LOUDLY?)
The rest of the episode was basically about Daddy issues.
Lulu and Dante bonded over their imperfect relationships with their fathers and we got a look at those fathers in action.
Sonny opened the episode standing (sitting) guard (asleep) by Dante's bedside. With a gun. As asinine and angry-making as that is (your son was SHOT! BY YOU! IN THE CHEST! And also again, just recently), it is disturbingly in character for him; Kate told some boring story about how Sonny always carried a gun, but I was thinking of the time there was a fundraiser for Michael at General Hospital (after HE was SHOT!) and Sonny brought a gun in there with him, too.
When Lulu came in to sit with Dante, Sonny tried to get her to talk; she unleashed more of her sweet, sweet hatred on him.
Lulu: You put him at odds with himself and everything he believed in. And worse, you played on his emtions to protect yourself and your dirty empire. You never once thought about your son and how he'd suffer for it.
Lulu: No matter how many times you let him down, he will try to protect you and instead of being grateful, you try to exploit that every chance you get. You don't deserve him.
She's at her most likable when she's lashing out at Sonny. I especially loved when Sonny responded to this truth-telling with "I know he proposed to you. Did you say yes?" and she only gave him the most withering of looks--and an expert stalk!--in response. You, Sonny, are terrible.
But Deke made him that way, you guys, which he reminded us of in an attempt to garner sympathy/get in Kate's pants. It's like he though, "Kate's right in that I don't want to be alone. How can I get her back? I know, I'll butter her up and also remind her of my childhood trauma. Win/win!"
Sonny: I want you to be brutally honest with me.
Kate: Since when?
Sonny: Because you are one of the only ones right now who can call me out on my stuff and it doesn't feel like my stepfather backhanding me.
Eyeroll, right? But the eyerolliest (work with me) part is that he needn't even try that hard--Kate's already back in the habit of making excuses for him, like butting into his conversation with Lulu to defend him. Maybe it's just me--I try to stay out of tense situations that have nothing to do with me. I also try to stay away from people who have shot people I love, so I think maybe Kate and I are just coming at this from totally different perspectives. Either way, I am judging her.
Then there was Luke and Lucky. Luke showed up to make amends with his son who, you might imagine, was not thrilled to see him. I probably don't need to include the statement that Tony Geary and Jonathan Jackson were both quite excellent in these scenes because of course they were, but just in case: fantastic. Luke wants to make things right and gives him an AA pamphlet, telling him that he hasn't had a drink in months.
Lucky: Why should I believe you?
Luke: Because it's the truth.
Lucky: This time.
Luke: Look, I know you've been going through a rough period--
Lucky, totally gobsmacked: A rough period?!
"A rough period? I have the fucking worst life of anyone ever!"
Luke: I'm here to make things right.
Lucky: How do you expect to do that with everything that's happened? I came to you, with my heart in my hand and I asked you to forgive me. With everything you've done, I asked you to forgive me. I said, "Come back home, Dad. Everything's going to be okay". And what was your response? Do you remember, or were you too wasted? You said killing Jake was liberating for you. LIBERATING!
Luke: I remember I said that. And I regret it. It was a terrible, terrible thing to say, but I thought it was--
Lucky: I don't care what you thought. From that point on, Dad, I've been doing one thing: trying to pick up the pieces and trying to move on with my life without my father and my son.
Lucky, obviously, wants Luke gone and doesn't even want to give Lulu the chance to give Luke the same orders, urging Luke not to even talk to Lulu. This isn't because Lulu is a terrible human being who wished that he had gotten shot (seriously, what the fuck?) but because he is of her feelings and because she has Laura's crazy genes or whatever and for some reason, I just picture Dante getting shot AGAIN in a few months and this sending Lulu into a spiral of grief and nuttiness.
Sam and Jason's honeymoon in Hawaii, though? Cute and fun. Sam tried valiantly to get Jason in a Hawaiian shirt and Jason responded by being CHARMING. I know! Steve Burton was having fun!
Jason: Is there an option four?
Jason, brightly: Then I'll take number four!
Sam: We're supposed to be trying new things, going out of our comfort zone--
Jason: Yeah, we've done a lot. I just took a nap!
The first time I watched, I missed the first half of his response and I thought that taking a nap was something new for Jason, which...makes sense, you know?
Jason: You can't be serious right now!
Sam, faux angry: I am serious right now!
But not even that was wholly enjoyable because there was Franco, painting something ugly while wearing a lei, the most threatening of all accessories. GROAN!