Serial Drama

Everyone Here Is Fluent In Crazy

I have two theories.

The first theory is that the next non-sweeps non-event that General Hospital will be bringing to us is the tale of an epidemic: a strain of particularly contagious and serious mental illness, the first symptom of which is saying things that are off the wall BONKERS.

The second theory is that the writers don't care even a little bit about the show that they are writing for (why should they? They have the most secure jobs on this planet. They have literally burned an American institution to the ground--I know it seems like I am misusing the word literally, but they actually did set fire to General Hospital--and continue to draw paychecks). "But didn't we just...?" "Yeah, so?" "But..." "Hasn't anyone ever told you to think outside the box? Continuity's the box, dude. The box can go to hell!"

I think the latter is more likely, although the former is both ridiculous and medically implausible enough to appeal to this particular writing staff.

It's not that the show's failure to maintain a consistent theme from day-to-day or scene-to-scene, even, is a new development. It's just...I hate it.

Llanview Forever!

One Life to Live films its final episode at ABC Studios tomorrow, and it's a good thing I have plans all day and night because you otherwise might be seeing my name in the papers tomorrow with a headline like, "Strange Weepy Hysterical Lunatic Woman in Blue Shirt Hurls Self Through Window of UWS Television Studio" (I'm just assuming I'll be wearing blue, I wear a lot of blue, you guys). So that on top of stupid mean rumors today about maybe OLTL not going online after all (rumors, not confirmed right now so I'm not treating it real-like yet) just leaves me utterly unable to mock or speak critically about this show right now because shit, y'all, I love this damn show and I have for more than a quarter century. So take that disclaimer and understand why I just don't have the energy today to complain about how gross Ford is or how they're deliberately trying to hurt me by delaying the clearly necessary Todd and Blair reunion. 

So let's just talk about what was just great about our beloved show today.

•  Shane went to sleepaway camp in November.

• Alex Olanov is back in our worlds. And she's totally Cutter's mom.

• Roxy exists. I couldn't love her more. Since always. (Remember when we all thought Morris was a beaver? Huh.) (Oh. If you follow that link, I warn you that there will be wistfulness on the other end.)

• Roxy and Nigel finally got some closure on their "relationship." (Oh, I wish she could also get some closure with ex-husband Max!)

• Nigel and Clint exist.

Fortunate and Unfortunate Afterglow

The fortunate: After yesterday's nausea-fest of sex between Jess and Ford, we were not subjected to additional afterglow scenes and thankfully did not pick up that storyline today. I wouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth, but...

The unfortunate: Blair and Tomas were basking in their own afterglow, as one would expect of a soap opera in which two very good-looking people just got it on. Although all of eight seconds later she left the room and he took a call about his plan to catch Todd, and then she came back into the room and he continued lying to her. How romantic! But apparently the sex was amazing, which tells us... nothing at all. I ask you, when has Blair Cramer not had amazing sex? Girlfriend knows what she likes and apparently has some mad skills. I admire her for this. I also admire her for managing to still hang on to her wine glass while she's making out with someone.

This seems like a skill worth developing.

Todd and Baker had some scenes that I didn't quite understand completely. Todd wants to hire Baker to... what, kill Tomas? No, he specifically said he wasn't killing Tomas. He's going to do something to "get" Tomas, so that he doesn't bust him for murdering Victor (which Todd still thinks he actually did, so they're really working overtime to make Todd completely unsympathetic and yet... nope, nope, I'm still rooting for him anyway!).

A Llanview Wedding Album

Because some things are important to be captured as still images.

Shaun and Princess David Vickers! So cute!

In general, the wedding guests who lingered afterwards and talked about morality and compassion and the things that drive you to make choices you never thought you'd make were all pretty awesome. 

Especially, of course:

Cord is just so happy to propose to her! I love them so much. So much, y'all.

Head Exploded, Brain Matter Everywhere

Oh...my god.

Luke: Well, I'm sorry you pulled me in the family lottery, but believe me, I'm not so thrilled about it either, because kids and cars are not my favorite combination.

Really, General Hospital? It was necessary for you to go there? For you to reduce the death of a four-year-old to a throwaway quip by the ever-downward-spiraling (times of rage are no times for things like "grammar" and "actual, English words"!) dickwad who killed him? That was written and performed and filmed and edited and at no point did anybody think to themselves, "Holy shit, we are a broken people"?

I want to set this show on fire.

Paging Andrew Carpenter

I don't know about you guys, but I was half-hoping Andrew Carpenter would come back to officiate every wedding One Life to Live has until its final ABC air date (because we have to assume this won't be the last wedding of the home stretch, right?), so I'm a little bummed right now. There's still time, right? (Here's something I keep reminding myself of when I get sad or when I get anxious about how time is being used: OLTL still has more episodes left than there were in the final three seasons of Friday Night Lights. And do you know what helps you get through life? Using FNL as the normative something-or-other to compare everything to, especially if you can work Tim Riggins into the simile somehow. I find conjuring up a mental image of Tim Riggins can help me through almost any situation.) (Well, any first-world situation.)

They tried to torture me with all the cuteness again today, with the little baby talking to the little dog in voices provided by Michael Easton and Andrea Evans, which really is a ridiculously adorable conceit. I know some people thought it was way too silly last time, but honestly if I had a choice between Stagi's misadventures, Fords At The Gym, or a baby and a dog voiced by major soap actors, I'm picking the baby and the dog every time.

If I could get a serious guarantee that they'd be as well-behaved as these two, I'd totally go to the store and buy a baby and a dog tomorrow afternoon. (My own dog is illiterate, so these words cannot hurt her. She's cuter than both of those wee ones put together, but as for behavior? Not so much.)

Oh, and wardrobe didn't get my memo.

Does Jessica have a day job as a steel worker we don't know about? Oh, that Jess. She's a maniac. (Oops, did I accidentally cut someone out of that screencap? Oopsie! TOTAL ACCIDENT.) (We're not going to talk about that character's scenes in this episode. I can't keep my lunch down while typing about it.)

The Mind of a Non-Mutt (Despite What They Call Her)

Princess David Vickers has a few things to say. And she said a few of them on Friday, but I'm going to do a little extrapolation on what else she would have said had she been given the chance to do so.

 

"Cousin Natalie, you look pretty miserable for a bride-to-be on her wedding day. There's something I think you may not realize for some bizarre reason: Uh, nobody's forcing you to marry a man you don't want to marry. You do realize that a child's paternity does not morally oblige to you a man? Like, at all? Not even the dog world?"

 

"Oh em gee, Mom, you look so pretty." 

 

"Oh, hopefully-future-step-uncle and aunt-in-law, you two may spend way too much time being smug and self-righteous, but your love for each other makes you an awful lot more likable. And you're so cute when you dance! Woof! Plus it was pretty darn magnanimous of Nora to give Clint such a warm welcome at the wedding."

Second Verse, Same As The First (Depressing and Off Key)

The most galling thing--I know that there are many galling, offensive and downright depressing things to choose from and ranking them would be an arduous process, since there are so many things to choose from ("Well, Sam's sexual violation really hits the trifecta: ambiguous rape PLUS violence against a tiny woman PLUS a probable Who's The Daddy? story, but I can make a compelling case for Luke Spencer: Portrait of the Artist As a Sickening Shell of His Former Self. Also, Spinelli...", but I think we can all agree that THIS is the MOST galling thing about the current state of General Hospital: somewhere, Bob Guza has a smug smile on his face remembering the universal glee that his firing brought to the world.

"Yeah, I remember. You heard Bobby was out and it was all 'Now there will be romance! And Laura! And Quartermaines! And a hospital!' How'd that work out? Because from where I'm sitting--which is in a very expensive chair--I'm seeing some raping, killing and grimness. How do you like them apples? People still say that, right?"

That bastard and his rightness.

There Is Such a Thing As a Stupid Question

Oh, gee, Sonny:

Olivia: [Kate]'s scared.
Sonny: Of what?

Of WHAT? Really? You have NO idea why a rational person (which Kate once was) would be wary of getting involved with you?

• She could get shot AGAIN.
• Or kidnapped, or stabbed, or garroted, or stalked by an artist (whose canvas is MURDER) simply for being a part of your life.
• If she is on the receiving end of Carly's acid tongue just for being in the same room as you, what will happen when she's the official woman in your life? Who wouldn't be terrified of such constant, endless screeching?
• Stemware being flung at her face when you stub your toe or spill your cup of morning coffee.
• You could abruptly MARRY SOMEONE ELSE for power AGAIN at a moment's notice.
• Being Sonny's significant other means a whole lot of time spent with Michael which is, and I don't think I'm being melodramatic here, probably even worse than getting shot.

Olivia did not point out any of those all too real horrors.

Olivia: Of getting her heart shattered again!

Olivia, you are the worst.

Choosing the Wrong Boy (or ALSO)

First of all, who is Nadia?

 

Is this another new character? That was a lot more than an under-five so I'm confused. I mean she's pretty and lovely and all, but how many new characters are we really going to introduce in the final two months of the show? (I need to stop using phrases like "final two months" because they give me a little lemon in my eye.)

Also, John quit the LPD again? Good lord, how many times is he going to do that? It's such a tedious plot point. If they upped the ante and made it a running They-Killed-Kenny-esque gag, that would be fine by me -- but we're not quite at the point that the repetition is funny, we're still in the eye-rolling "this again?" stage, so they're going to need to step it up. "Oh, the office switched from PC to Mac? I quit!" "Someone brewed decaf this morning? I'm leaving the department!" "The new secretary spelled my name MacBain instead of McBain? I'm retiring from detective work!"

Also, Natalie looks so happy on her wedding day! Look at the joyous, blushing bride-to-be!

Gee, why wouldn't Brody want to marry her? She seems so into him! We can please bust up this pairing any second now because all it's done is made unsympathetic liars out of both of them. They both look like assholes all the time.

Well, not always. Natalie looked so pretty today!

See? She doesn't look like an asshole there! And sure, it helps to have the cutest prop on set in her lap, but I have to say how frequently it truly astounds me that hair and wardrobe work so hard to make this ravishing beauty look awkward and practically frumpy. (Also, Natalie, see how nice you look when you smile?)