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« Depression Hurts--And This Show Isn't Helping | Main | The Llanview Lladies are Bringin' the Heat »

December 27, 2011

In Which Robocop Gets a Backstory

As soon as she stomped into the PCPD and started droning about police protocol, Dolores Padilla captured the hearts of tens, all of whom were won over by her stereotypical feistiness and inability to make facial expressions that come close to approximating real, human faces. And not even they found themselves hoping that the show would shine some sort of light on Padilla's past, unless it would give us some details on her inventor.

Never one to give the audience what it wants, we learned a WHOLE lot about Padilla today. She has a TEMPER. And a MURDERED SISTER. And solves problems with SEX, which really seems like it could be dangerous for all involved. Sparks would fly, literally. Anyway, it was bizarre. I'm beginning to think that Padilla was engineered by a computer programmer who learned all he needs to know about human interaction from watching 90s sitcoms.

It all started when Dante found Dolores snooping in the evidence room (and got pretty suspicious about it. Please note that when his father, famed douchebag and noted mafia crimelord, interrupted the following conversation by walking into and then HANGING OUT IN the same evidence room, Dante didn't seem even the slightest bit baffled, because this show is the worst at facts)...

Dante: What are you doing?
Dolores: What do you think? Going through dead files for unclaimed watches so I can sell them on the internet [at this point, she actually did a sassy head roll. I was filled with shame for all involved, including myself for having the misfortune to witness that --Ed.]
Dante: All right, lose the attitude. You don't have access to this room.
Dolores: The door was open.
Dante: That, or you swiped the key card again. It wouldn't be the first time you did that.
Dolores, getting her Jack McCoy on. Maybe she watches TNT while she is being recharged? And needless to say, the emphasis she placed on the following words was all sorts of random: Are you seriously going to come down on me for going the extra mile? There are a bunch of cases sitting here waiting to be solved. Victims who haven't seen justice served. I am paid to make sure they see it. Not to hang around the squad room playing fantasy football with you dudes.
Dante: That is one hell of a chip on your shoulder, you know that? You've got to get rid of it or you're not going to make any friends around here.
Dolores, back with the sass: Really? And be the, what, the nice little Latina chick? I'm sure all of you macho guys will love that. Someone to make sure the coffee pot is full, the boring paperwork is done. Uh-uh, sorry. Not me.

Dante: You put in for transfers which goes against the ambition you say you have. Your chance to move up the ranks happens if you stay in one place. This looks bad. It looks like you cut and run.
Dolores: And this concerns you why?
Dante: You're my partner. My life might depend on who you are underneath, but I don't think I'm going to get a straight answer on that from you, so I have to go with what I think, and I think it has something to do with Rosa.
Dolores, with cold fury. And by "cold fury", I mean "monotone": You did not just pull that name out of a hat. You background checked me!

Dolores: Listen carefully. I'm only saying this once and then the subject is closed. My sister wasn't murdered. She was left to die in an alley like garbage to be tossed. Like food for rats. And she was left there to send a message.

(Is it just me or did anyone else imagine a pile of nuts and bolts thrown in an alley?)

Dolores: Okay, so what's it going to be, detective? You going to report me?
Dante: I already told you where I stand. It's up to you.
Dolores: Wow, I see what this is about. You know, for two seconds, I thought you were different, but men--[at this point, she starts to unbutton her shirt, like someone had accidentally installed a Cinemax flick on her hard drive]--you are all the same.
Dante: What are you talking about?
Dolores: I've got 30 seconds.

There is not enough "WHAT?!" in the world, but I am filled with (1) irritation that this show thinks we care even a little bit about this background character and (2) dread that she will eventually sex up Sonny. They both solve problems with sex and yelling, so it's a match made in...well, made in the minds of crazy people.


Today Delores joined the ranks of "people who have a secret past I don't care about", which also include Maggie, Lady in White, Steve and Kate.

Hold it, everyone, we just found Sonny's new bed bunny!!!

Meh. GH is a freaking mess!

Whoa. That's the most noteworthy thing going on in Port Chuck? My goodness the show is boring. So, I guess no honeymoon for Dante and Lulu because he is back playing cop already. Well, I suppose they can call last summer's adventures in the brothel a pre-honeymoon. Why is this show so bad? This is some sorta cruel and unusual punishment.

I still can't believe that an adult actually went out and pick out a dog at a pound, named it and then proceeded to dump said dog on some unsuspecting employee. Which Shaun is in this case. An animal that Carly couldn't even figure out was a male, not a female dog----Carly(!?!?!?!!?!?!?!) couldn't see if the dog was a male or female dog. And she couldn't be bothered to read the card that should've been on the dog's cage. The card that should give the dog's name, if he had one, age, and any history that the shelter might've had---stuff like if the dog is good around toddlers, which might be important in Carly's situation. Carly believes that any dog she picks out can be easily made into a service dog. Not that the dog needs to be qualified and given months of training. What sane adult just up and buys another person(who also happens to be their employee) a pet? Just because said person liked a service dog for a short time. Liking a dog(or any pet actually) and having to actually live with one are completely separate things.

I'm just going to ignore Dante, Shrewlu, and all of their current coworkers. It it just less taxing on my blood pressure. I do find it hard to believe that Lulu didn't learn how to cook from her mother and grandmother, as they both raised her. Laura and Leslie never seemed like take out and frozen pizza sort of women. Carly, yes. Laura and Leslie? No way in hell.

This show is ridiculous.

My new strategy for dealing with the PCPD's crap is finding the humor in the situation. I go to Netflix and watch old episodes of Law and Order: SVU and compare Olivia Benson and Elliot Stabler to Dante Falconeri and Dolores Padilla. And I just can't stop laughing. It's not even the same concept! Can you imagine the SVU detectives putting up with all the shit the PCPD cops tolerate?

After hearing the rumor that FV and RC want to bring John McBain over from OLTL, I'm still trying to imagine McBain putting up with it.

Delores? Who the hel# is Delores and why is there an entire column devoted to her? Oh yea - this is GH. Enough said.

No..... Leave me my memories of John McBain riding off into the Llanview sunset when OLTL ends or possibly returning to the FBI but for Pete's sake don't subject him to Port Charles!!! Michael Easton deserves so much better.

Dee Dee, we all deserve better.

True, true. I've just found GH so painful to watch over the past few years. Maybe if I had only started watching in the mid 90s or early 2000s, I'd find it slightly more tolerable, but I started watching in 1979 as a tween (primarily because I'd fallen in love with the Prince from Cinderella aka Stuart Damon). I watched Scotty and Laura get married. Luke and Laura get married. I even remember Bobby's first appearance and Luke's. And Tracy Quartermaine, when she first appeared on the screen, I thought, "Wow!!. I want to be her when I grow up." Tracy Q was fierce, and Jane Elliot owned every scene she was in. I cried like a baby when BJ died. And I even remember Sonny's first appearance fondly (I thought he was kinda awesome back then as a "supporting character" before he and the mob swallowed GH). It was compelling and fun to watch--with lots of romance. Even the storylines that were over-the-top like the Ice Princess kept you entertained. Now, although some of the old characters remain, they are shells of their former selves, and some of the newer ones make me want to do bad things to my TV. Yet, like some viewers I still watch (or try to) out of habit, because I grew up with it and because I keep hoping maybe, just maybe it'll get better. Still, the most entertaining thing about GH now are the recaps from Serial Drama.

And yes, we all really do deserve better than this show right now.

Is it sad that I really only want Michael Easton on this show purely as a quick way to kill Jasam? Caleb and Livvie the sequel, anyone? HA!

Sonny interupting Crazy Papa Zucchini telling Sonny about Sun Tzu's Art of War? Priceless. God, the man is an idiot.

Why is Olivia suddenly okie dokey with her son taking mob blood money? The woman spent the better part of three decades keeping Sonny in the dark about Dante. Now she is cool with Dante taking his daddy's cash? WTF?

I don't understand these writers.

@stlbf Actually, I recall way back when Laura first married Sonny, she actually burned their first meal. I suppose the Lulu with the sauce story was a sort of retread.

Oh, must share this Maurice Bernard quote from Soaps in Depth:

"The reason Michael suffers so much is that he wants to be something he's not. He wants to be a dangerous tough guy who can go out and kill people like his dad does. But Michael is a beautiful man who's sensitive."

At this point I think I would rather see Caleb/Livvie Part 2.

Agreed, Mallory - I hope the first thing Valentini/Carlivati do with this character is kill her off on a Firearms Friday!

Oh Em Gee, uliis, that is the best thing I have read, ever, in my life. DYING!

Mallory, I believe you owe Robocop an apology for the Dolores Padilla comparison. ;)

Remember before the infamous Cartoon Wars incident where Southpark was censored on the first instance of Jesus and the Super Friends in 2001 they showed a cartoon depiction of Muhammad and no one complained. It wasn't until Southpark was critical of Islam did anyone complain.

You are either offended by all depictions of Muhammad or not at all. The Qur'an can't be a tool of convenience that you can point to when it suits you and choose to ignore when you are painted in a positive light.

No one is above reproach and criticism. Race/religion cards are not a valid defence. Death threats to those you find offensive are not an appropriate response nor conductive to the conversation at hand.

^^^^How the hell is the above comment supposed to be on this site? WTF ever.

Cindy, I hope that you meant Luke rather than Sonny. Or even Scotty. Still, Laura and Luke were married 3 decades ago and Lulu grew up with a very much adult Laura who had been cooking for Luke and Lucky for sometime. It just doesn't really compute in my eyes that Lulu wasn't raised being able to follow a recipe and cook. I'm not saying that she should be a master chef or anything. But she can't cook pasta with a red sauce? Or do what most women do: open a couple of jars of Prego or Ragu and add some more italian spices to punch it up?

HElP!!!!! Who the f***ity f**k is the lady in white???? She shows up on my cable guide, I think she lives in Windemere... Is she Helena recovering from plastic surgery that will make her attractive to Luke????

Oh, must share this Maurice Bernard quote from Soaps in Depth:

"The reason Michael suffers so much is that he wants to be something he's not. He wants to be a dangerous tough guy who can go out and kill people like his dad does. But Michael is a beautiful man who's sensitive."

Thank you Uliis!!! That quote made my week. I laughed so hard I choked on my pizza!!!!

@stlbf You're right, I meant Scotty. Good grief, how did I end up putting Sonny in there. *smacks forehead*

I was trying to remember if Lulu was SORAS'd before Laura had the break or not? But you're right, there's no reason she can't at least open a jar of Prego or Ragu.

@uliis. Truuuue that. (haha, do people still say that phrase? I feel like it was popular back when I was in high school).

Anyway, re: robocop, Mallory you're not the only one mystified by the way she speaks. I think it's because she tries to stamp out her real accent by sounding more 'American,' and it makes her line delivery really halting and weird. Girl should just rock her real accent. And I, for one, was thrilled that we were getting a little ethnically diverse when she first appeared on screen, and then I realized that this was the GH writing staff and so of course that wouldn't make her character interesting, they'd just write her as a lump of stereotypes---and one with potentially nefarious intentions. Of course. I feel like they do this with *every* character that isn't white on this show, and it drives me absolutely crazy! Sean worked briefly for the Balkan, Ethan's african american romantic interest (whose name I forget. Great character development there, guys) left in shame because she cheated on him, and as for the asian doctor or the arabic nurse? Forget it, side characters quickly written off. Booh, GH. Booh.

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