All I Can Do Is List
Reasons I am compiling lists about General Hospital rathern than doing the professional thing and writing about General Hospital using things like "sentences" and "paragraphs":
For the, what, 50th time (I'm grossly underestimating things, I know), Sonny Corinthos was shot and the show wasted an absurd amount of time making it seem as though Sonny's life was actually in danger. Things more likely than the show doing us all a solid and writing Sonny off of the show:
1. Spinelli speaking an entire sentence in actual English, without referring to someone with a cumbersome nickname.
2. Alexis getting a storyline of her own.
3. The Chew and The Revolution being ratings successes and cultural phenomenons.
4. Making it through one day without reading a particularly embarrassing Lindsay Lohan headline (crashing a Golden Globes party? Girl...)
5. My suddenly not finding all of Aaron Rodgers's State Farm commercials not adorable--I can't explain it, he charms me. Don't tell all of the Giants fans I am surrounded by!
Things I hate about Ethan (besides his retconned existence, because that is obvious):
1. The way he responds to any of his scene partners asking a question with a bizarre braying laugh. "I need your help," says Luke. "GUFFAW", says Ethan. "Are you living at Wyndemere?" asks Lulu. "HAHAHAHAHA," says Ethan.
2. The fact that he is giddy about having sex with an amnesiac on the floor at Wyndemere.
3. The face he makes when reminiscing about having sex with an amnesiac on the floor at Wyndemere.
4. The way he smugs about town lecturing others about Spencer family history and the Spencer-Cassadine feud as if he knows anything about anything.
5. The way he was practically agog at Lulu going by Lulu Spencer-Falconeri, as if hyphenated last names are unusual and as if that particular hyphenation is even that long and complicated.
Cassandra: I wasn't born yesterday. Oh, or was I?
Ewen: Don't play games, Cassandra. You're a beautiful, mysterious young woman and Ethan is clearly a bit of a rogue.
Cassandra and Ewen spent much of today's episode having the above conversation on an endless loop and something about Cassandra's obliviousness and the way that Ewen obviously knows more about this wholly uninteresting scenario than the audience does made me think of--and I know it is blasphemy to even refer to this show alongside General Hospital--Rita and her uncle on Arrested Development. If only the soundtrack blared "For British Eyes Only" over this circular conversation! As it stands, only the following things are less entertaining than these two rando's:
1. I lied: nothing is less entertaining than these two strangers talking about her hidden past.
Patrick: Tell me, tell me. Tell me what you know.
Elizabeth: I know she was devastated when she found out that her viral loads were unstable.
Patrick: Why would she think that I wouldn't want to go through this with her?
Elizabeth: She wanted to spare you the pain.
Patrick: Why would she spare me the pain? So now that I know, am I supposed to ignore this? What am I supposed to do?
Rather than have the truth come out in an emotional, amazingly acted scene between Kimberly McCullough and Jason Thompson, the show chose to have Elizabeth tell Patrick the truth about Robin's illness. Jason Thompson was stellar; Kimberly McCullough was off-screen. Things this is not:
1. A crossword puzzle.
2. A manicure.
3. The completion of a novella.