Love And Other Things This Show Manages To Make...Disturbing
TECHNICALLY, I requested that all of this happen--in an upcoming Soap Opera Digest column, I bemoaned the sad state of love in Port Charles. "Romantically bankrupt", I called it, on account of the seeming allergy this show has to things like "love" and "splashy weddings" and "couples with genuine romantic chemistry". And now General Hospital has given me a week in which SO many conversations have been about love and marriage and sex, and there has been banter and flirtations and all of it...
...all of it is immensely upsetting, actually. Either I am impossible to please or the General Hospital powers-that-be are incapable of following anything but the most specific of instructions and even then, they'd find a way to ass it up.
Think I'm exaggerating? You thought wrong!
Disturbing: Anthony is still forcing Tracy to marry him! But this is "wacky", not "menacing and probably illegal"
What started off as a sexual harassment story disguised as comic relief has turned into an opus of threats and blackmail, as Anthony is blackmailing Tracy into marrying him and blackmailing Maxie into planning the wedding, because it wouldn't be a wedding in Port Charles if it weren't laced with danger and threats of violence/ruination. I basically hate everything about it, especially the way it wastes the considerable talents of Bruce Weitz and Jane Elliot, who both deserve better than this. I also hate myself because Anthony made me laugh-out-loud cackle on multiple occasions today--the way he immediately said "Bless you" when Tracy sneezed, his wide-eyed "That many?!" to Maxie's remark that there were a bazillion things to do, the unhinged way he hummed "The Wedding March" and made the universal symbol for "Gonna cut a bitch"? I think I am starved for hilarity.
Also Disturbing: Carly's Bargain O'Sex
I'm not sure if you've picked up on this, because the writers have been approaching it with the subtlety for which they are famous, but Michael is reeling from Abby's death and has renewed, with a new sense of purpose and stupidity, his quest to be regarded as a serious member of the mafia. I'll pause for a little bit so you can stop the laughing fit you undoubtedly had at the image of Michael being an imposing career criminal.
Since he is an IDIOT, Michael approached Johnny about the possibility of working for the Zacchara organization approximately eight minutes after his father, exhibiting a conscience for the first time in a long time, refused to allow him to be a part of the family business. Carly did not take this news well and decided she'd do whatever she had to do to protect Michael from a life of organized crime and what she has to do is Johnny. Well, that's the deal she offered him, anyway, sexy-facing all the while.
And now? She's freaking, so she summoned Luke (who is at her beck and call, apparently, in exchange for a comped stay at the Metro Court) to find dirt on Johnny so that she can blackmail him instead of sexing him.
Luke: You don't think that [Michael] would appreciate you playing a little mattress tag on his behalf?
Carly: If I can get what I want without having to play mattress tag, I'd be a very happy woman.
I just hope that whatever happens--blackmail seems most likely, but would a Johnny romp really be that bad, Carly?--happens quickly so that we can stop hearing loaded exchanges like this:
Johnny: Get ready for the ride of your life.
Carly: Oh, can't wait.
Johnny: I hope that's a two-way street.
Carly: I think you'll find I'm full of surprises.
I think you'll find, ew.
Carly, it must be noted, is approaching this bargain with the mentality of a middle school student, peppering her conversation with Luke with "Is he looking at me? Do you think he likes me? OMG, what is he doing right now? Oh, no, I just posted a Facebook status and he liked it, what does that mean?!"
Carly: Did you see that? He just raised his cup at me!
Carly: Well, I'm not going to look at him again. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction.
Carly: Is he looking over here again? Do you think he can read lips?!
Luke: ...not through the back of your head.
With this DNA, is it really any wonder that Michael turned out so emotionally stunted and ridiculous?
Disturbing-er: Spinelli. Just...Spinelli
Spinelli: I am only attempting to bring Maximista to the realization that she and Dr. Hunter are fundamentally incompatible.
On almost any other television program, Spinelli's obsession with Maxie and his fixating on rekindling their romance would be seen as prime stalker behavior; here, I think we're supposed to be rooting for him.
Let me interrupt this list of disturbing things to bitch about something that's not really THAT disturbing, just weird, but also, annoying: They're called "boundaries", Liv!
Who shows up at their child's place of employment to throw shade at their son's co-worker and brazenly and obnoxiously mark the territory on behalf of their daughter-in-law, and then proceeds to--I remind you, at their child's place of employment!--have a heart-to-heart with their son about the status of her relationship? NOBODY. NOBODY WOULD DO THAT ANYWHERE, EVER.
Also, how embarrassed is Olivia going to be when she realizes that she's been pining over a MURDERER?!
Johnny: All morally superior? It's not like I'm going to hurt anybody or kill anybody. That would be your territory, right?
Steve: Keep your voice down.
Johnny: Getting nervous, doc? You should be, because if I don't get the name that I need, the whole world is going to know about the guy you offed in Memphis and how Blondie helped you out.
Actually, considering that she has made Port Charles her home, this news might not even faze Olivia in the slightest. Murder is hardly even a thing in this town!
(Let's talk for a second about how profoundly non-shocking this plot twist is. No, wait, I take that back--it's not even interesting enough to fill a full second)
DISTURBINGEST!: That's Enough, Ethan
After spending most of the episode talking to a character I don't care about about a character I don't care about, a third character I don't care about let his freak flag fly, so let me say this in my sternest and most schoolmarm-y voice: Ethan Lovett, you are deranged.
Ethan: I'm bewitched, I'm enthralled...I want to know all of your secrets!
Ethan: Cassandra, I don't even know you that well, but I can't stop thinking about you, and I just want to be near you.
First of all, Cassandra doesn't even know her own secrets because she has freaking amnesia and absolutely zero expression, facially. Secondly, how can a person say any of those things aloud without immediately falling all over himself apologizing for how unhinged it sounds when you really think about it?