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« Three. | Main | Two. »

January 12, 2012

Love And Other Things This Show Manages To Make...Disturbing

TECHNICALLY, I requested that all of this happen--in an upcoming Soap Opera Digest column, I bemoaned the sad state of love in Port Charles. "Romantically bankrupt", I called it, on account of the seeming allergy this show has to things like "love" and "splashy weddings" and "couples with genuine romantic chemistry". And now General Hospital has given me a week in which SO many conversations have been about love and marriage and sex, and there has been banter and flirtations and all of it...

...all of it is immensely upsetting, actually. Either I am impossible to please or the General Hospital powers-that-be are incapable of following anything but the most specific of instructions and even then, they'd find a way to ass it up.

Think I'm exaggerating? You thought wrong!

Disturbing: Anthony is still forcing Tracy to marry him! But this is "wacky", not "menacing and probably illegal"

What started off as a sexual harassment story disguised as comic relief has turned into an opus of threats and blackmail, as Anthony is blackmailing Tracy into marrying him and blackmailing Maxie into planning the wedding, because it wouldn't be a wedding in Port Charles if it weren't laced with danger and threats of violence/ruination. I basically hate everything about it, especially the way it wastes the considerable talents of Bruce Weitz and Jane Elliot, who both deserve better than this. I also hate myself because Anthony made me laugh-out-loud cackle on multiple occasions today--the way he immediately said "Bless you" when Tracy sneezed, his wide-eyed "That many?!" to Maxie's remark that there were a bazillion things to do, the unhinged way he hummed "The Wedding March" and made the universal symbol for "Gonna cut a bitch"? I think I am starved for hilarity.

Also Disturbing: Carly's Bargain O'Sex

I'm not sure if you've picked up on this, because the writers have been approaching it with the subtlety for which they are famous, but Michael is reeling from Abby's death and has renewed, with a new sense of purpose and stupidity, his quest to be regarded as a serious member of the mafia. I'll pause for a little bit so you can stop the laughing fit you undoubtedly had at the image of Michael being an imposing career criminal.

Since he is an IDIOT, Michael approached Johnny about the possibility of working for the Zacchara organization approximately eight minutes after his father, exhibiting a conscience for the first time in a long time, refused to allow him to be a part of the family business. Carly did not take this news well and decided she'd do whatever she had to do to protect Michael from a life of organized crime and what she has to do is Johnny. Well, that's the deal she offered him, anyway, sexy-facing all the while.

And now? She's freaking, so she summoned Luke (who is at her beck and call, apparently, in exchange for a comped stay at the Metro Court) to find dirt on Johnny so that she can blackmail him instead of sexing him.

Luke: You don't think that [Michael] would appreciate you playing a little mattress tag on his behalf?
Carly: If I can get what I want without having to play mattress tag, I'd be a very happy woman. 

I just hope that whatever happens--blackmail seems most likely, but would a Johnny romp really be that bad, Carly?--happens quickly so that we can stop hearing loaded exchanges like this:

Johnny: Get ready for the ride of your life.
Carly: Oh, can't wait.
Johnny: I hope that's a two-way street.
Carly: I think you'll find I'm full of surprises.

I think you'll find, ew.

Carly, it must be noted, is approaching this bargain with the mentality of a middle school student, peppering her conversation with Luke with "Is he looking at me? Do you think he likes me? OMG, what is he doing right now? Oh, no, I just posted a Facebook status and he liked it, what does that mean?!"

Carly: Did you see that? He just raised his cup at me!

Carly: Well, I'm not going to look at him again. I'm not going to give him the satisfaction.

Carly: Is he looking over here again? Do you think he can read lips?!
Luke: ...not through the back of your head.

With this DNA, is it really any wonder that Michael turned out so emotionally stunted and ridiculous?

Disturbing-er: Spinelli. Just...Spinelli

Spinelli: I am only attempting to bring Maximista to the realization that she and Dr. Hunter are fundamentally incompatible.

On almost any other television program, Spinelli's obsession with Maxie and his fixating on rekindling their romance would be seen as prime stalker behavior; here, I think we're supposed to be rooting for him.

Let me interrupt this list of disturbing things to bitch about something that's not really THAT disturbing, just weird, but also, annoying: They're called "boundaries", Liv!

Who shows up at their child's place of employment to throw shade at their son's co-worker and brazenly and obnoxiously mark the territory on behalf of their daughter-in-law, and then proceeds to--I remind you, at their child's place of employment!--have a heart-to-heart with their son about the status of her relationship? NOBODY. NOBODY WOULD DO THAT ANYWHERE, EVER.

Also, how embarrassed is Olivia going to be when she realizes that she's been pining over a MURDERER?!

Johnny: All morally superior? It's not like I'm going to hurt anybody or kill anybody. That would be your territory, right?
Steve: Keep your voice down.
Johnny: Getting nervous, doc? You should be, because if I don't get the name that I need, the whole world is going to know about the guy you offed in Memphis and how Blondie helped you out.

Actually, considering that she has made Port Charles her home, this news might not even faze Olivia in the slightest. Murder is hardly even a thing in this town!

(Let's talk for a second about how profoundly non-shocking this plot twist is. No, wait, I take that back--it's not even interesting enough to fill a full second)

DISTURBINGEST!: That's Enough, Ethan

After spending most of the episode talking to a character I don't care about about a character I don't care about, a third character I don't care about let his freak flag fly, so let me say this in my sternest and most schoolmarm-y voice: Ethan Lovett, you are deranged.

Ethan: I'm bewitched, I'm enthralled...I want to know all of your secrets!

Ethan: Cassandra, I don't even know you that well, but I can't stop thinking about you, and I just want to be near you.

First of all, Cassandra doesn't even know her own secrets because she has freaking amnesia and absolutely zero expression, facially.  Secondly, how can a person say any of those things aloud without immediately falling all over himself apologizing for how unhinged it sounds when you really think about it?

 

Comments

I have no idea what the hell is so "enthralling" about some bint who dresses in white and wanders random mansions.

I also have no idea why Carly is so against sleeping with Johnny. I mean, LOOK AT HIM! But, then, I think Johnny's just fucking with her anyway, and doesn't actually intend to sleep with her. I mean, Johnny's not always a great guy, but when it comes to women, he's really not the type who gets off on power trips.

Did you also notice, Mallory, the bit where Spinelli said he'd tailor himself to Maxie's needs? He is not only creepy, he's really, really sad.

Here's what bugs me about the Steve Webber story: he's freakin' the son of Heather Webber and the grandson of Steve Hardy. There HAD to be a way to give this character a story that makes him (and the story) more relevant to what GH watchers care about. And my god, his GRANDMOTHER Audrey is still around, and I'm sure that Rachel Ames could have been persuaded to stay on board if they gave her, oh, I don't know, a good STORY? Couldn't the writers have created some kind of story that involved members of Steve Webber's family that we actually care about? And not a newbie?

I just don't get this show.

And we all thought Kristina was the one who came on too strongly . . . Plus, in addition to Olivia talking to Dante about her relationship status, Carly telling Uncle Luke she offered to sleep with Johnny is creepy, and not only is Ethan creepy with the come-ons, it is even creepier considering the fact they mentioned Cassandra looks like Laura, who is supposed to look like Lulu. So Ethan is very attracted to someone they emphasized looks like his half-sister. Hot!

Yeah, uliis, what is this, B&B? *LOL* Actually, though, that "you look like Laura!" thing is another whole level of WTF, because... no, not really. She's blonde; that's about the extent of it.

I want Cassandra's insurance. Mine would probably let me talk to a therapist for an hour a month with copay. Cassandra's therapist is willing to rent out the mansion in which she currently fancies squatting.

Cassandra's insurance? I'd rather have her doctor as mine own. Professionally or personally. Either would be okay. He has to be fairly well off. The man has dragged this woman around the world and still doesn't know jack squat about her. Just that she can mimic professions and she likes to read. Oh, and he has been known to just show up on another woman's doorstep with a gift of art supplies . A woman whom he barely knows.

This show is just awful right now. I sincerly hope that RC and company can save this once great show. Although I still don't know what PC will do if the PCPD actually gets a cop who actually solves cases and throws criminals in jail. For the most part. More than what the PCPD has been able to say for years now.


This episode was so boring that I can't even come up with a cool synonym for "boring" to describe it. I kept falling alseep. Ethan's just weird. I find it odd that he's behaving this way after dealing with Kristina's crush on him. I'd lmao if she were around to see him behave this way.

While I enjoy Bruce Weitz's performances as wacky Anthony, this whole Tracy/Anthony wedding is not amusing to me. I'm not used to seeing Tracy bend so easily. She would hand Anthony his ass. Although, I admit I did laugh when Anthony did his little bit while humming.

Steve and Olivia and Maggie and Padilla and Cassandra and Ethan...ugh, I want to stick something in my eye. Good Lord, they're coma inducing.

And not that I've ever enjoyed Johnny or actually liked him, but I'm over him blackmailing people and smirking about it. The last time he did this, he lamented about poor, victimized Lisa and had her and Robin racing all over town, looking for a syringe b/c he thought it'd be fun. I just do not find him appealing at all, so, for like the first time ever, I can't blame Carly.

Lastly, I love how Carly never ceases to prove what a moron she is, b/c haha:

Carly: Is he looking over here again? Do you think he can read lips?!

Luke: ...not through the back of your head.

^^^ realbrenda4evr: You said it all. I couldn't come with any thing to say about GH.

Bourgeois Nerd, do you mean Cassandra or Lulu? Either way, I agree; I don't think Cassandra looks much like her and while I think Laura and Lulu look similar I would never confuse one for the other, but I know opinion varies a lot on how much they look alike.

Here's what bugs me about the Steve Webber story: he's freakin' the son of Heather Webber and the grandson of Steve Hardy. There HAD to be a way to give this character a story that makes him (and the story) more relevant to what GH watchers care about. And my god, his GRANDMOTHER Audrey is still around, and I'm sure that Rachel Ames could have been persuaded to stay on board if they gave her, oh, I don't know, a good STORY? Couldn't the writers have created some kind of story that involved members of Steve Webber's family that we actually care about? And not a newbie?

Does Garin Wolf even know who Steve and Audrey Hardy are? Actually, we should be glad that they haven't referenced the Hardy family yet, because I shudder to think about how TIIC would try and destroy THAT legacy like they've done with the rest of the show's history.

Uliis, I was talking about Cassandra, but I don't think Lulu looks THAT much like Laura, either. I mean, not to the extent everyone is always claiming.

"I mean, Johnny's not always a great guy, but when it comes to women, he's really not the type who gets off on power trips."

Um, except for that whole Lisa thing.

If I had any sort of chance to sleep with Johnny, I certainly would not be looking for ways to get out of it. I would be like, "Okay, hot stuff, let's get this started!!!"

I watch sporadically and usually it's because it's on after OLTL (weep), but didn't Johnny tell Michael no already? OBviously he has no intention of bringing Mikey into the organization and sice he's already shown Carly the door, he's just out to screw with her mind. I say he has higher standards than her.

Mallory, given the fact that the show clearly wants to make Cassandra related to SOMEONE in town (although I suspect it will be the Cassadines with Helena slinking around), maybe it's Padilla. They do share a love of the robotic, blank expression.

Garin Wolf was brought in to shut this show down. I wrote my opinion weeks ago about this, but this show has been completely sent to hell with the trash that has become SL's that ruin every legacy character and every back story that was written with care.

In my spare time I go back to youtube and watch old epi's from the 70's and 80's and early 90's.

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