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« The Rare and the Missing | Main | The Final and the Obligatory »

February 28, 2012

In Which Rewriting History Makes Me Squeal, Not Squawk

Noted medical professional Lisa Lisa once warned the masses, with the aid of some catchy beats, of the phenomenon known as being "all cried out" and while I coudn't find this diagnosis during my latest visit to WebMD.com, I know in my heart that it is real and that my condition was caused by the last few days of General Hospital, which has continued to devastate me to the point where I am seriously (I am being melodramatic, not really serious) (maybe I am being a little bit serious) concerned about dehydration. People are going to start questioning the dark circles under my red, puffy eyes and will probably start to recommend all sorts of multivitamins, which is probably better than the backing away slowly they will do once I explain to them that this is all General Hospital related and everything related to Robin Scorpio, from flashbacks to angelic (?) visits makes me weep an ugly weep.

So in the interest of my own health, I am going to focus on the most silvery of silver linings that today brought us, instead of talking about Maxie learning the truth about Robin, because that--and Jen Lilly's fantasticness. She's uber-talented, isn't she? I still have goosebumps--made me cry, and instead of talking about the fate of little Hope, who I don't even "know", really, but am depressed about all the same because the youth mortality rates in Port Charles are staggering.  Because amidst the tears, there WAS a cackle and a grateful thanks to Ron Carlivati for righting one of Bob Guza's most ridiculous wrongs.

Holly: Ethan isn't a Spencer, he's a Scorpio.
Helena: Well, he doesn't use Luke's name, but he carries his DNA.
Holly: No, he doesn't.
Luke: What are we doing here, Holly?
Holly: I'm finally coming clean. I should have talked to you about this a long time ago. Both of you. I'm sorry.
Helena: Well, this is a transparent attempt to save your son's life.
Holly: It's the truth. Luke isn't Ethan's father, Robert Scorpio is. This isn't the way I wanted it to come out.
Ethan: No! We had DNA tests. We had several of them.
Holly: They were doctored.
Ethan: That can't be.
Luke: Well, you swore to me. But then you've always been a spectacular liar.

This exchange contained all sorts of nuggets of amazing, each more delightful than the last. First and foremost, it handily retconned one of the worst retcons in recent memory in all of three minutes. "Oh, that? Yeah, no, it never happened. Moving on." I can only hope that Holly's explanation is as lackluster as this big reveal. "Why'd I lie? Eh. Because of reasons, and the thing...at the place."

Then there was Ethan's "BUT WHAT OF THE DNA TESTS?!?!" rationalizing. I know that he doesn't KNOW that he's on a soap opera, but surely he knows enough people in Port Charles by now to know that DNA tests are almost exclusively wrong in this town.

THEN there was the HILARIOUS facial expressions he and Luke get making every time Holly dropped a bombshell.

CATV8_20120228_144318-vi

CATV8_20120228_1444-vi
It's like Tony Geary and Nathan Parsons forgot this soap operas aren't a silent medium (regardless of how much I wish they were sometimes) and that eyes don't need to be THAT wide.

But the loudest cackle? The came from reading this interview again...specifically, this passage:

On What Luke has learned from Ethan: "To love life again", states Geary. "Luke has been looking at life as if it were over, the best years gone. He's not kicking it with the relish that he used to. Ethan is reacquainting him with the reasons he loves life. They're so amazingly connected."

They might actually need to invent a new word for "hilarious" just to describe that answer.

Comments

Thank you Ron for undoing one of the worst rewrites in soap history. Finally, Ethan is a Scorpio. Thank you Ron!

The whole time I was watching today I was like "they're not really going to kill another chil...oh wait, they did." I do not understand why they didn't think that they could write a story for Starr with a child (as for Cole...well, I was sad to see him go, but I get that they wanted Starr single and I'm a little more forgiving of grownup soap deaths). Ugh. I keep waiting for new-writer-optimism to kick in, but not even the excellent retconning of Ethan has triggered it.
Also, I really wish Sonny WAS resopnsible for accident because I really want him to be accountable for SOMETHING. Alas, my unspoiled money is on Kate or Johnny.
My searing hatred of Sonny aside, I thought that Maurice did really well today. As did the actress who plays Maxie. Credit where it's due.

Well needed retcon of Ethan's paternity but it still doesn't erase Luke's stated affair with Holly and the scores of prostitutes he slept with while married to Laura. Ugh. Just hurry this up and get Ethan off my screen. He's awful. Poor Robert. Robin for Ethan? Okay?

I hate Sam. I generally never mention her because it's not interesting enough but her behavior from last week to this has been atrocious.

Michael was exhausting. Actually, Michael is always exhausting. Such a handsome guy but such a masochist. So, Starr's child and boyfriend had to be killed to make Starr a viable love interest for Michael? Wow. Bad move RC. Lawd, we have to watch Starr mourn dead Hope again. Thanks. Kristen Alderson couldn't pull it off the first time and her acting ability can't do it now. The Mannings should eat Port Charles if They believe Hope and Cole are dead because of mob foolishness. It's a very high bar for Blair and Todd to hit and I am not sure enough of the writers. My sister, a former OLTL viewer, was appalled when I told her Hope was in the car that went over a cliff and exploded. She stated she would not watch GH because it was too sadistic.

Hope is so not dead. Cole is not dead . Robin is not dead. The show is also finally not dead. Well done, RC and company.

The more I think about it, the more I'm hacked off that I even gut sucked into watching GH by the promise of Blair and Todd, because I was actually really content with the way OLTL concluded. A week back on teh GH juice, and I'm already having rage blackouts.

I love RC for his ability to fix crappy retcons! And dammit, that flashback today with Robin, pre-Unfrozen Caveman Jason, and Sonny back when he had layers, didn't make me cry, but made me less nauseous than usual. If they could go back to writing Sonny like that, I might not hate my tv when GH is on.

I absolutely HATE this. Not the story itself, necessarily, although I question seriously the notion that any character as lame as Ethan is in any way genetically a Scorpio. But aside from that...to have Robin "die" one week (and yes, she is "dead", not dead. I refuse to believe anything else) and give Robert another kid the next. No. Just...no.

I am soooooo happy they fixed Ethan's paternity. I love the stupid "aghast" faces Luke and Ethan were making. It makes mocking them so much more enjoyable this way.

Flashbacks to better times and to honor Robin are always welcome.

I can't really comment on Hope right now, because it will pop my "good feeling" bubble. ::sigh::

wow, the boards are going to light up - there was enough of a battle of who was Robert's true love - Holly or Anna - and Anna always had a leg up on Holly because of the child, but now, Holly has the not "dead" child. Wow.

And to note, it must suck to be Robert Scorpio - first wife kept your kid a secret for six years, second one pretended to be dead and lied about the other kid.

But really, do another DNA test (and not in Llanview) - Robert's son would have better hair than that...

I keep thinking they need to make Ewen a Scorpio. I actually think he should be Mac's son. For me, I just don't get this change. A year ago, I would have been okay with it. Today, I want Robert focused on the daughter he lost not the son he gained. And also, as has been said, it doesn't change the affair/ONS or Luke's other indiscretions. I guess I appreciate the attempt, but I don't see the purpose in it. NP is leaving, KMc is gone, TR and ES are only going to be on a handful of times. This doesn't actually change anything.

I am freakin' thrilled that Luke is not Ethan's father. That was one of the worst retcons of all time. Now can we just get Holly to admit that she and Luke didn't have sex at that time? It's soap, surely they can figure out a way to do that, can't they?

I refuse to believe Hope is dead. She's a Manning, for Pete's sake. Her grandfather, Todd, was shot in the back three times, stuffed in the trunk of a car and pushed over the side of a cliff, and he's still kicking!

As long as no bodies are found I refuse to believe Cole and Peanut are dead. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

Soapbaby, I'm actually hoping Holly drugged and tricked Luke into thinking they had a one-night stand.

And even if they still slept together, I'm happy just because it kind of undermines the quote Mallory posted. heh.

Well, I am thrilled Ethan is a Scorpio. I find the timing sad because of the whole Robin's 'death' thing going on right now, but I am still thrilled. Here is the thing, I am going to wait until it all airs before I worry about what is and isn't fixed by this reveal on the very first day. The whole affair thing could be explained away as never having happened in lots of ways. I am taking a wait a see attitude. And sure they are all leaving now but there are lots of rumors out there about their future returns. Now if I can somehow get Duke back from the dead for Anna, soap life would really be moving in the right direction.

Maybe Holly lied for a simple reason.

Maybe she went with the guy who had the better family dental plan. Lord knows, with that mouthful of ginormous choppers, Teethan could comfortably take up all of one dentists time all on his own.

For this viewer Luke Spencer needs a MAJOR overhaul if I can ever enjoy him again. His trashing his marriage for years now and killing Jake to never suffer consequences just makes Luke a charcter I absolutely despise. It also doesn't help that Tony Geary's acting is OTT. Luke needs Laura to balance him out. IMO, he has floundered since she's been gone. Paging Genie Francis!!!

Hell, since we already have Helena involved in it, why not just retcon that she brainwashed Luke to think he slept with Holly and all those prostitutes, but he couldn't because he loved Laura the whole time. It could happen! And Jake was just in daycare the whole time, and Luke came upon a weird driver's ed course with dummy babies with real kidneys that could be transplanted. It could happen!

I'm going to be honest and say that for the most of the episode I was confused. I was just so WTF confused.

Confusion no. 1: Michael's over the top "I have to save them. I promised her." I'm like you don't even know this chick. You've never seen her, so why is he so OTT that Dante has to hold him back from jumping over a cliff to rescue people in a car he doesn't even know and risk his own life. Then when he's at the hospital, he's all about how it's all his fault and how he failed. And I basically just wanted him to go find a gun and kill himself to end my suffering of watching his OTT behavior.

Confusion no. 2: How Mac assumes this is Sonny's fault just because AZ left his car and took off running? Couldn't it possibly have been AZ running off the road and causing the accident himself. How did Sonny get apart of this equation. I must have missed something. I'm just thinking that this is left over residual anger of Mac's about Robin's death from the ER where he was blaming Sonny. I really don't understand how this led to Mac believing this is Sonny's fault.

Confusion no. 3: I liked Sonny's scenes where he's talking about Robin and him admitting his wrong about going into Robin's house with a gun. I also liked that he talked about his past with Robin involving Stone and Jason. What I hated was that it was wasted on Sam. I found it a waste of a scene because GH has shown us for almost a week and a half how Sam hasn't really given a damn about Robin, Robin's death, Robin's child, or Robin's husband. So having Sonny pour out his heart to her about Robin which this is where my confusion lies. When the hell was the last time we ever saw Sonny pour out his heart to Sam? Why are they writing him doing it now? I can't even remember when he actually said more then two sentences to her so it just boggled my mind a little. I really wish that Sonny showing a moment of vulnerability about Robin's death wouldn't have been wasted on her. I would have rather him poured out his heart to a comatose Jason, Elizabeth, Stone's grave, Michael, Dante, or even Kate. Just somebody that for the past week that haven't done the "Oh Robin's dead, too bad, so what about Jason and what about me" like Sam has. To me that part fell flat because she, who hasn't shown any care at all that Robin is dead or what Robin's family is going through, was involved. And still when Sonny was pouring out his heart, she's still displaying selfish behavior.

Now aside from those confusing moments, I liked the scenes of Patty and Robin in the OR. Nicely done. Even from the great beyond his wife is trying to help him be the best person he can be. I still love that Patty is giving Sam the "I can choke you bitch" look. I'm only hoping that Jason wakes up as a different person because it will serve her right and maybe we can finally get the Jason back that wouldn't be okay with a teenage boy being hooked up with a stripper/hooker by his eavesdropping girlfriend.

The Spin/Maxie scene was alright with me. Right now I think that I'm just so not into Maxie because she's been on my shit list for so long that I really don't care about her pain like I did with Patty.

I would love if Ethan was really Robert's to try to correct history. But for the moment, I'm going to hold off because I'm still up in the air on whether Holly is telling the truth or lying just to save Ethan from getting killed.

I'm going to blame Guza and AG for the Ethan is a Spencer crap.

Poor little Hope and her steroid rage Daddy are dead. Sigh.

Um, not to sound rude, but Helena is probably in her 70s, right? Why Holly didn't try to tackle her at some point is beyond me.

Suck it Guza! Ethan is a Scorpio!

I think Mac assumed Sonny had something to do with AZ's accident because Dante found out the tires were shot out. But why Mac lets Dante do the investigating of dear old "Dad" is beyond me. (Actual answer is because the only other cops are Ronnie and the Cop-bot Delores.)

Michael made me laugh with the "it's all my fault" angst. Didn't we just endure WEEKS of that about Abby? By the way Michael, how is your investigation going finding the stripper-beater-upper?

I also love the looks Patrick is giving Sam. I'm not a Sam fan, although I can handle her better away from Jason. But I hated how Sonny was pouring his heart out to her. Also how we never heard her express any regret on how she spoke to Patrick. Just "I had to beg!" How about Sonny talking to Alexis instead? Or Luke if he wasn't duct-taped to a chair. I'd even stomach Michael more than Sam. I did think Mo did a good job. I felt that you could see the real-life affection he has for Kim McC on his face and hear it in his voice. Too bad other times he mumbles his way through scenes.

I'm not totally convinced Holly is telling the truth, and how could she make Helena believe her anyway when she'd obviously say anything to save her son.

I firmly believe that THE ONLY reason Ethan was ever made a Spencer was because Greg Vaughan was playing Lucky at the time. If JJ was Lucky at the time Ethan would probably 1. Never exist, or 2. Would have been a Scorpio right off the bat. AG and GV rarely had scenes together and when they did Luke was quick to let Lucky know what a disappointment he was for being a cop. I don't think AG ever bought GV as Lucky so he wanted someone else to come in as his "most like me" son. Also, AG's affection for JJ and wanting him back in the role is well documented. Once he came back, the character of Ethan was no longer important to Luke. You rarely saw them together again. It was all Lucky again, and I truly believe it was because of who was playing Lucky.

@kermitklein enjoyed your post and wanted to comment. Michael is all about Michael so anybody's tragedy is necessarily going to be all about Michael. Forget that Star lost her child (which I doubt actually happened because quite frankly I can't see them wrapping that Todd story up in 7 eps or whatever they are signed on for. . . Todd would be tearing down the world if someone "killed" his grandaughter and the darkness that created would last for a very long time if they hold true to character)

Michael is making it all about him because that's his thing. . .it's what he does.

Also just thinking that Mac is so distressed about Robin's death he is not thinking very fairly, but he is being logical - the tires were shot out on AZ's car, which might lead anyone in Port Charles to point a finger at Sonny I'm thinking. After all, Jason is in the hospital and AZ couldn't have shot his own tires out. Who else wields a gun in PC? Oh ya, Johnny will probably be blamed and it will turn out to be krazykate.

I also agree with you on the Sonny scene I
liked it (and MB did a good job here), if only I could pretend he was speaking to someone else. Why Sam? She has NOTHING to do with Robin!

I'm hoping that Ethan is MAC's. Give him a story. Holly lived with Mac and Robin (though I can't remember if they ever were a thing) but surely that could be fixed up??

Are they going to fix Holly in the all the retconning? I sure hope so. It really bothered me that she would have let Robin die from that virus thing a few years ago.

Okay then I did miss something because last I heard was Dante saying let's wait till forensics get there to tell them what happened. Which now leads me to confusing question number 4. How do they know a bullet took out the tire? I guess I'm over thinking things. The writers are in a rush to get their vision on screen and erase the vision of GW's GH so I guess I need to give a little more leeway on that.

Oh Janet B. don't get me started on Sam and her whole "I had to beg and yell at him"...that to me came off like she was trying to show Sonny all that she has done to get Jason his surgery. I was wondering if Sam actually thought that was supposed ot make her sound good that she yelled at a man that just lost his wife mere hour(s) before.

I have to admit that my greatest joy would be if Jason woke up from this surgery, found out about Robin and was like "WTF, not only do you not tell me that a friend died, but this man just lost his wife and you were bothering this man about my surgery that could have waited. What kind of heartless bitch are you?" Just wishful thinking on my part.

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