These Plot Twists Aren't Remotely Twisty (And These Plots Are Barely Even Plots)
Well I, for one, have never been more floored by a soap moment than I was towards the end of today's General Hospital when we heard this shocking medical bombshell:
Patrick to a dumbfounded Jason. Granted, there's no way of knowing how Jason actually felt, since he has exactly one facial expression, but the dramatic score leads me to believe he felt dumbfounded and heartbroken and maybe even a little hungry: Your condition isn't going away...it's getting worse [...] Your condition is inoperable.
I should point out that when I say "floored", I don't mean "surprised"; I mean "floored" like "I am currently on the floor, in the fetal position, sobbing that we are going to have to sit through ANOTHER story about Jason being on the verge of death, even though that story has been told literally dozens of times and dozens is actually rounding down, substantially and even though there is no chance in hell that Jason will be in serious jeopardy, because then what would the show be about? Doctors? As if! Also, can we talk about how this story's screentime will completely and totally dwarf the screentime that Robin got in her poor, marginalized little possible deathbed storyline? Sob, snort, etc.".
My heavy sigh could not be any heavier.
...OR COULD IT?!
In addition to the ultra dramatic score, today's General Hospital's soundtrack heavily featured the loud and pained sounds of my groaning.
While it seems like the following exchange was straight out of an especially grim Lifetime movie, possibly titled Stalked: He Followed Her Home...Forever!, it is actually a conversation between Sonny and Kate after the latter entered her office to find the former waiting for her, tense with rage and nursing the wounds of betrayal.
Sonny, creepily: You don't seem happy to see me.
Kate: You're sitting in the dark, waiting--
Sonny: Where the hell have you been?
Kate: I don't have to account for my every move.
Sonny: I called you a bunch of times. You didn't...you didn't [at this point, he made arm motions remarkably similar to The Robot, which doesn't sound creepy, but in conjunction with his growl it honestly seemed like a man on the verge of a breakdown--Ed.] I left messages. You didn't call me back.
Kate: Are you stalking me now, Sonny?
Sonny: I'm not stalking you.
Kate, who probably should have spoken slower and used smaller words if she really wanted him to grasp any of this: You followed me to Chicago. You tracked me to my hotel room. You're in my office.
Sonny, figuring that having a half-assed rationale for his stalkerish behavior is just about the same as not exhibiting stalkerish behavior at all: Because you weren't straight with me!
But that's not why I groaned.
This conversation somehow gave way to some serious flirtation and we were left with this unsettling moment.
Kate: I think we might have a problem.
Sonny: What's that?
Kate: I'm falling in love with you all over again.
But that's also not why I groaned. Actually, that's a lie--it's totally why I groaned. It's just that I ALSO groaned at this, perhaps even LOUDER and made a plaintive wail, like, "Why?!"
Kate: Kate Howard! Yes, that's the number you called. Who are you trying to reach? Can you say that again, please? How did you get this number?
She has a split personality, doesn't she? And this is going to be terrible, isn't it?
Speaking of terrible (hey, a segue is a segue!)...
I tried to write a full paragraph about Maxie and I used the words vindictive, petulant, intolerable and hateful so many times in, like, a sentence that I was kind of taken aback by my own vitriol, so I scrapped it, but...really. REALLY.
Monica: If you have something to say, please say it now. Is there someone on my staff who has done something criminally wrong?
Maxie: That would be Elizabeth Webber.
Monica: What crime has Elizabeth supposedly committed?
Maxie: I don't want her to get in trouble.
Monica: Then why did you say anything in the first place, Maxie? If you have something to say, just say it.
Maxie: Okay. Well, promise me you'll go easy on her, okay--
Maxie: I mean Elizabeth can't lose her job right now. Okay. Elizabeth stole drugs from the hospital.
Monica: Go on.
Maxie: A couple of months ago, Lucky was working on this case that involved a serious drug ring. They got me, too. I could have been killed if it weren't for the fact that I have really quick thinking.
Monica: Maxie, come on. About Elizabeth.
Maxie: Right. Anyhoo, Elizabeth stole drugs and gave them to Lucky, which was totally horrible and illegal, and really mean to do to Lucky. It caused him to relapse.
Monica: These are really serious charges. Do you have any proof to back this up?
Maxie: You bet I do.
If you look up, you can actually see years worth of character rehabilitation fly overhead, never to be seen again.