Serial Drama

Funny Feelings

Of course the funniest feeling I had while watching yesterday's episode of General Hospital was actually not a feeling at all, but rather a lack of feeling. When I looked at Michael's face, I did not feel the need to punch it. It's not that he did anything special (or much of anything at all) but it was noteworthy nonetheless in that he did nothing infuriating. Like even a little bit. It's been a while. A long while. Possibly never? (I'd say he didn't infuriate me when he was a baby but, alas, I'd be lying. Does that make me a bad person? Finding a fictional baby infuriating?)

There were other funny feelings, too. Spinelli had some "wacky" scenes, and Mac acted exasperated by him -- par for the course kind of stuff, right? Well, normally such scenes make my eyes roll so far back in my head that I can see the nape of my own neck, but this time I was actually a little amused. The first reason I was amused was that it's fun to see a soapy catfight between men instead of women for once.

The second reason I was amused is that Matt is just freakin' hilarious. I reallylove Jason Cook in comedy mode (yay, Drunk Lamp-Admiring Matt!), and the way Matt kept saying, "Seriously?" to Spinelli made me a happy camper. An easily-pleased camper, but a happy one nonetheless.

Another funny feeling I had was not feeling the urge to take a giant sponge full of makeup remover to Maxie's face.

What's this? A woman who's been sleeping in a jail cell and her makeup isn't perfect and intact? What's next, a hospital patient without a perfect manicure? Jason waking up from surgery without a black t-shirt? (I kid, that's clearly asking too much!)

On the other hand, I do feel the need to put her in a different outfit. The fake jewel detailing on the top of that dress would totally be confiscated in jail anyway -- that's like thirty-five weapons right there!

The Silver and the Anniversary

Happy 25th Anniversary to The Bold & the Beautiful! As much as I rail on the show, I really am thrilled it's still here -- it's a bit of an anomaly as the only half-hour soap still standing, and the youngest extant soap by a country mile. And it's part of a dying genre that I happen to love, so I always root for life!

As for the Silver Anniversary episode itself, I sheepishly confess I got a little choked up. I think with the semi-PTSD I have from recently experiencing the ends of All My Children and especially One Life to Live, whenever soaps get extra sentimental and load up on the flashbacks and the score becomes a reworking of the show's theme song, well, I flash back to series finales and my heart can't take it. And although B&B hasn't been "my story" for much of its run, it's the only one that has the unique distinction of my having watched the very first episode at the very moment it first aired.

Of course there's no need to get maudlin about it since B&B is going strong and at no imminent risk of disappearing, so we can rest assured that we will watch Hope, Liam, and Steffy stare at each other awkwardly for years to come while their family members wring their hands in the background.

Yesterday, thankfully, we got a respite from the show's perpetual storyline. Sure, they threw in a scene or two that assured us that they hadn't forgotten that that's the only story they're telling (just in case anyone tuned in and got disoriented), but for the most part we blissfully got just memories and dewy-eyed gushing.

There are our guests of honor, dancing away!

Memories of some actual struggles of the family that probably had nothing to do with gondolas or boinkberries. Was anyone able to place this pre-Christmas scene? I coudn't remember the context. Help me out, long-timers!

Eric and Stephanie today, showing us how it's done.

ALL The Exclamation Points

OHMIGOD, YOU GUYS!

I was ready to throw a verbal side-eye at Sonny for being his typical brand of dysfunctional and horrible, and then all of the words in the world escaped me at the very end of today's episode (which, if I can hypercriticize for a minute, because I am physically incapable of not doing so, would have made a fantastic Friday cliffhanger, but it also worked pretty well as a fantastic Monday surprise, which I needed after a long Monday that included by commute thrown into complete disarray by construction on the parkway that saw my time in the car double and had bumper to bumper traffic spilling onto every conceivable backroad. Why do we not have jet packs yet?! It is 2012! I apologize for the digression. I just have a lot of feelings right now).

After Elizabeth and Emma gutted me with their ice cream, and then Jason Thompson completely devastated me some more, as he's made a point of doing every time he appears onscreen lately:

Patrick: We were supposed to sit on the porch and watch the sun go down behind the hill. The perfect ending to a long day at the hospital. It's the life I want. The life we wanted. How can this be over, Robin, before it even started? I can't believe you're dead. It doesn't even feel like you're gone.

We cut immediately to this:

and I made a sound between a shriek and a squeal. THE AIRQUOTES ARE REAL, YOU GUYS! ROBIN IS "DEAD"! And yes, we all hoped and many of us called that this was coming and it's playing out very similarly to Lucky's "death", but whatever: !!!!

What Is The Opposite of Caring? And What's Another Word for DREAD?

Things that, even with the judicious consultation of a thesaurus, I cannot adequately describe my lack of interest in. And I know that General Hospital is sort of the underdog this weekend in terms of my interest anyway, what with The Hunger Games AND Mad Men, which are responsible for this driveby posting, but I think that even in a vacuum, I'd be so bored by this that I'd just find myself falling asleep randomly at the very thought of it:

1. Sonny's past with John McBain, which is about as unoriginal as it gets, and considering the show we're watching, that's saying something: a police officer makes it his mission in life to take Sonny down. Snore, right? How many times can we sit through that particular story, especially since we know that it will end with Sonny smiling smugly, escaping the law again and again? BORED!

(I will admit--and I have a feeling that this is going to be a supremely unpopular opinion--to being charmed by McBain, though. His voice is RIDICULOUS in the best sense of the word, like a cartoon villain, and his scenes with Tracy and Alice--GOD, I am just adding to your new perception of me as completely crazed--were amusing. Not charmed enough to have any real hope that this story will go anywhere in the realm of entertainment, but...)

2. Everything, ever, about Steve and Olivia.

Things that will happen if this storyline goes where I think it is going, and where I think it is going is HORRORVILLE, a terrifying place where Jason Morgan's birth is used as fodder for a new story that will ultimately reveal that Jason and FRANCO are (best case scenario) related or (worst case scenario. Worst is probably too positive an adjective to use in this situation) fraternal twins, despite their noted differences in size, coloring, and also age, which would mean that Franco is the son of Alan Quartermaine:

1. I will be writing this blog from the great beyond, because I WILL DIE.

The Token and the Hysterical

So...

Omigod, y'all!

Marcus and Dayzee got engaged!!

Which is so totally exciting because these are major characters in whose relationship we all have huge investments. How romantic! I mean after all of those two whole episodes this year that they've actually been on the show, who wouldn't be rooting for these two crazy-in-love kids to finally tie the knot? Right?

Ugh. So yup, in the grand current-day B&B tradition of giving characters not involved in Steffy, Hope, and Liam's storyline no screentime at all except for the obligatory once-a-month appearance to show up with major relationship news like an engagement or a breakup/divorce, Marcus proposed to Dayzee and she accepted. But just in case you thought for one second that this was some other storyline, Marcus decided he just had to propose in front of Stephanie and, you guessed it, Hope and Liam. Because why? Because he said so. Because it's the Hope and Liam Show. So don't fool yourself into thinking this means Marcus and Dayzee are going to start getting actual material now. I've been down that naive road and got burned every time.

The New Girl (Who's That Girl? It's Starr!)

Oh, STARR! Doesn't your heart just break for her? Not only has she experienced some of the most heartbreaking tragedy one person could face, but she is also DOOMED to a life filled with NEVER ENDING DISAPPOINTMENT because in the midst of her monologuing today, she made a dramatic pronouncement that can only end in more heartbreak:

Starr: I am going to make sure that Sonny Corinthos pays for what he did to us...I promise.

Starr, after reading a "Just checking in" text from Michael: I'll be okay once I make sure your father has paid for what he has done.

Don't you want to hug her? Just give her a big old bear hug and break it to her gently that you know she's new in town and also crazy with grief, but that it's important to know that Sonny has spent the past decade and a half paying for nothing, ever? Because girl is going to collapse with guilt when she realizes she can never follow through on this promise because Sonny will always smug his way out of a tight situation.

And so ends my discussion of the only part of General Hospital I feel emotionally equipped to discuss today, because Noah and Patrick continued to break me and I can hardly see my computer monitor through my tears.

Port Charles, Town of Messy

I just need to get a few messages to the characters in that messy, messy town.

Dear Kate/Connie: There is NEVER ANY NEED FOR YOU TO PUT ON MORE MAKEUP. Never. Ever. You're covered. You don't need a touch-up. Ever. Ever.

Also, take it down a notch.

(Also, take a day off anytime now please.)

Dear Sonny: You really think that the way Kate's behaving means you're dealing with Kate? This makes sense to you, considering this is a person you allegedly know so well and you grew up together and you're just so bonded and close? I mean granted, nothing about this Kate has anything to do with the last woman-named-Kate-from-your-childhood that you dated (despite our being told otherwise), but it's not that confusing.

Also, how awesome was this? 

Sonny (to Michael): Todd Manning is the worst enemy there is. He's got more money than God, he's got no code whatsoever, and he thinks he's entitled to do whatever he wants to do.

Hahahaha! Your utter lack of self-awareness never fails to crack me up (especially when it's clearly intentional).

Dear Maxie: Is D.I.D. contagious, or in the town's water supply? Because stop giving your Uncle/Father Figure Mac seductively evil looks to try to will him into arresting you. Because eww.

Also, take it down a notch.

Dear Mac: You might not want to arrest Maxie because you think she's not a murderer, but let's not pretend you actually arrest murderers.

With a Whimper and a Wail...

...helped, love, taught and enlightened us. It is with heavy hearts that we say our final goodbyes to Robin Scorpio Drake.

I'm not sure, exactly, what did it--if it was the look of complete and utter devastation on Jason Thompson's face, or Anna worrying that she wouldn't be able to stop screaming and Mac assuring her that she would, for Robin, or Maxie melting down with a primal scream and a furious toss of office supplies that would make Sonny Corinthos proud. All I know is that before the General Hospital credits even rolled, I was convinced that I wouldn't make it through another minute without literally losing the ability to breathe. I mean, I knew I wouldn't make it a second longer without crying (true story: a friend texted me yesterday and asked "Robert won't be there for Robin's funeral? What kind of BS is that?" and I, seriously, teared up while replying. I...am not right), but I was so bereft at that point--at, like, three minutes in!--that I was honestly concerned about my health. And while melodramatically diagnosing myself with a variety of GH-related injuries has become a tradition of mine, it's a bit unnerving that all of this is happening because the show is so GOOD.

Because it IS. It's GOOD! GREAT, even. This entire week, I've been completely engrossed and amazed, and when the end of the hour comes, I'm torn between wanting to start a slow clap in my living room, alone, and throwing a temper tantrum because I have to wait a full 23 hours for more. The writing has been stellar and the performances--you guys, Jason Thompson should be nominated for and WIN every prize that can possibly be awarded to a human being. Daytime Emmy, Primetime Emmy, Golden Globe, Nobel Prize, Teen Choice Award for Choice Female R&B Artist...everything. He says so much with just a look or a subtle change in posture and it is BREAKING MY HEART. Finola Hughes? John J. York? Jen Lilley? I want to gush, but I don't even know that I have the words to do the gushing justice. This funeral is going to get its own epic recap, but I couldn't let today pass without--well, without crying in a public forum about how beautiful this show has been and how much I am going to miss Robin Scorpio and Kimberly McCullough.

Let's cry together!

Let's cry when Jason Thompson cries.

Let's cry at everything about this:

Emma: I gave Mommy my picture.
Patrick: You did? Where'd you put it?


Patrick: Oh, my gosh, that's a perfect spot. It looks perfect.

Let's cry at the slideshow playing in the background.

Let's cry at every shot on Finola Hughes looking absolutely gutted.

Let's cry at the flashback of Robin telling Mac she is HIV positive.

And, in a rare moment of levity, let's cry with laughter at Mac's terrible, terrible old hair.

Let's cry at the message Mac had for Emma.

Mac: I miss your Mommy, Emma. I know you miss her, too. I'm going to tell you something i always used to say to her: we're family. We're Scorpios. And there's nothing we can't get through together.

And let's cry at Elizabeth's assertion that Robin is irreplaceable--because she is and because Port Charles simply will not be the same without her and I'm sorry, I can't type anymore because it's getting impossible for me to see through my tears.

Back to Basics

There's so much going on on the show right now that I knew I'd neglect major points if I didn't just recap today's whole episode of General Hospital (well, lord knows I'll neglect plenty anyway). So here goes. This might hurt!

Kate was expecting Johnny, apparently. I imagine he thinks she's Connie but she's not.

Maxie runs into Ewen, who drops his file on Kate. Apparently now psychiatrists create files on potential patients and not just actual patients. And there we go, right there on the label it says "DID" -- I mean who wouldn't label it that way! The admin folks need to know to file it away with GH's many other casually-diagnosed D.I.D. cases. Maxie, of course, assumes it means Kate "did" something, because that makes perfect sense to just label a psychiatric file with a past tense helping verb. The "Did" files of course go after the "Been" files but before the "Was" files.

Liz and Matt are at the home of the Widower Drake, planning Robin's funeral. Planning a funeral gets screentime? Really? But she died weeks ago (even though I think in show time it's only a day or two). You mean to tell me they're not just all going to pop up in black clothes saying how lovely the off-screen funeral was and never mention it again? There really is a new sheriff in town.

Speaking of which, Todd yells at Sonny in the courtroom (into which it's simple-dimple to bring a firearm) as Blair and Carly and Michael and Starr rush in to try to stop him. This does not deter him, as he loves his daughter so much that he means to murder someone in front of her (he sure has learned his lesson!), and a shot goes off. But no! Sonny hasn't just been shot (again)! It's John McBain, firing a warning shot into the air with his hilarious trademark pursed lips. It's quite an entrance.

Carly asks Blair who he is, and sadly Blair doesn't manage to answer, "Another of my ex-husbands, what."

After the credits, whose theme song was apparently composed on the portable Casio keyboard I got for my birthday in the sixth grade, Maxie asks Ewen a few questions about what happened in the lab. Ewen tells her what he knows from the staff briefing, and it confirms Maxie's worst fears that she likely caused the explosion.

Oh yeah! Johnny somehow knew about Steve having pulled the plug on a patient in Memphis. Steve surmises that Johnny investigated him to make sure Olivia really was dating a squeaky clean guy. Olivia aptly points out that Johnny decided the best way to make certain of that was to turn Steve into a mob doctor and implicate him in a bunch of local crimes.

Anthony fills Tracy in on what happened the night of the car accident.

A bunch of guards come in and John has to show his badge to prove that he's a cop, so he too was able to just enter the courthouse with a weapon. Sonny tells the guards that they should go get the gun off Todd that Todd just used to "try to kill" Sonny. Apparently when Todd points a gun at someone with intent to kill but is stopped from doing it, it's "trying to kill" someone and is illegal, but when Sonny does the same thing, no crime has been committed. They cuff Todd and then Starr tries to murder Sonny with a dirty look and an impolite introduction.

Liz talks to Matt about what Maxie must be going through, and uses her own experience with grief to encourage Matt to not take it personally when Maxie pushes him away.

Maxie talks to Ewen about her relationship with Robin and how lost she'll be without her. She tells him she feels guilty.

Tracy dresses down Anthony for having participated in a feud that resulted in Cole and Hope's deaths. She threatens to call Sonny to tell him where Anthony is.

Carly tries to impress upon Sonny how dangerous Todd is, but Sonny isn't moved. He has many enemies. This is a typical day.

Starr thanks John for getting there when he did. John tells Starr that he notified Cole's parents, Marty and Patrick. Of course Patrick is supposed to be dead and Marty is a murderer-at-large, and Cole was actually not supposed to be alive anyway, but John makes no mention of this so I don't what the hell is going on.

Kate, in a criminal amount of makeup, insists to Johnny that there's no way she came to his house and propositioned him the other night.

He pushes her until "Connie" comes out, and of course the first thing she does is take down her hair so we don't get confused about who is who. I can't wait to meet her next personality, who manifests itself by a much tighter pulled-back hair-do and glasses.

Breaking Down the Lines

Let's explore some of Friday's dialogue, shall we?

Upon hearing Carly refer to Sonny by his first name...

Todd: Sunny? Like with a "u"?

Ah, it's good to have Todd and his snark back in my life.

 

Sonny, while trying to convince Dante to take the heat off him and find another suspect...

Sonny: You are a great investigator.

No one at the PCPD has been a "great investigator" since the 80s, Sonny. As evidenced by your living in the free world.