Well y'all, I've made it up to the opening credits of today's General Hospital and it's clear to me that the only way to keep my sanity and sort through my feelings on it is going to be to just recap it as we go. To catch us up: Ewen's trying to figure out why Kate didn't show up to commit herself, Sonny's barging in on Johnny and Konnie in bed together (after a hilarious moan from Konnie that Sonny heard from downstairs, a moan so silly that I'm continuing to cross my fingers that this whole thing was staged and Johnny is not really that gross now -- I mean I know he's a mobster, but does he have to be a super-gross mobster in such an appealing package?), Michael is referring to Franco's rape of Sam as "all that craziness with Franco" because that is a respectful way to speak to a rape victim about what happened to her, Alexis is trying to chat with Jason (good luck), and Liz is lurking.
So... where was I? I kind of got distracted by "Johnny" and "appealing package" in the same sentence.
Oh, Konnie looks kind of freaked out while Johnny smugs it up to Sonny who is... kind of under-reacting?
Michael and Carly cute it up at each other or something, and then Carly goes over to smite Sam for having kept the Robin secret from Jason for like a day and a half. Sam gets hilarious.
Sam: Okay, fine, I lied to Jason, you told him the truth, you're the best friend ever.
Ha! Love it. Carly feigns indignation that she was just making conversation and doesn't understand why she got so defensive.
Alexis and Jason talk about Sam having chatted with John McBain. SCANDAL!
John McBain is smirking it up with Max over at Casa Sonny, and Michael speaks for all of us when he finds the awesomely destroyed birthday cake. "Holy crap."
Elizabeth is trying to figure out what's going on with Ewen's patient, but he's got to rush off to find Konnie. Konnie, meanwhile, is telling an exceptionally bronze Sonny that she's with Johnny voluntarily and pretends that they've been having an affair for a couple of months. She gets all weepy, and Johnny throws his fist in the air and says, "Hell of a birthday, huh, Sonny?"
Jason, who is trying to outdo himself in the "how to be horrible to your wife who just told you she's been impregnated by her rapist" department (it's a department, yes), starts challenging Sam about having spent time with John McBain while Carly looks on, delighted by the obvious discomfort of her "best friend" and his wife. Michael reports the gruesome cake crime scene to his mother, who says, "Kate probably did it. Her and Sonny must've gotten in a fight," and every part of me that ever even regarded grammar just a little bit dies inside. And Carly is completely punch drunk, if not actually drunk.
Johnny continues to taunt Sonny and Konnie improvises and Kelly Sullivan is pretty funny here. Sonny obviously pulls a gun on Johnny and suggests that he could kill them both. This somehow furthers the bronzeness of his complexion.
OH NO, Y'ALL, WILL HE MURDER THEM BOTH WHERE THEY LIE?! The suspense is killing me.
Sam tells Jason why she was talking to John McBain at her mother's house the other day, while McBain himself is giving Max a search warrant and then going upstairs at Casa Sonny by himself because Max is busy trying to evade Ewen's questions about Kate's location. Great right-hand man there, Max!
Konnie tries to stop Sonny from shooting Johnny and he tells her to shut up and that he doesn't care about her and OH MY GOD Y'ALL I AM SO HAPPY RIGHT NOW!
Sonny (to Konnie): I don't give a damn about you anymore! You're a FAITHLESS WHORE to me!
It has been so many years since we've gotten to hear Sonny call someone a faithless whore! I think I might cry a little. Sonny then announces that the only question he has right now is who he shoots first, and I do not think I've ever found him more heartthrobby than I do right at this moment! (You know, I've been complaining a lot about the lack of reduction in screentime for Sonny and Jason since Valentini and Carlivati took over but I have to say, I'm enjoying them both being portrayed as such unfathomable bastards at the moment because I like it when I feel like hating them is right, rather than wondering why in the world they are supposed to be the show's romantic heroes.) (Mind you, I only said "at the moment," and don't hold me to that!) Anyway of course Carly comes in downstairs and hears gunshots that will obviously not result in any deaths.
Max throws Ewen out of Casa Sonny and Max taunts John McBain, because Max is dumb. John makes a Tony Robbins joke and I make a mental note reminding myself that I really need to get around to unleashing the power within. It's been on the to-do list for a while.
Jason further challenges Sam on this McBain business and is being incredibly annoying. Apparently Sam signed an imaginary full disclosure agreement with her husband, while he of course keeps about a million secrets from her every day because it's the "nature of the business" and then he just walks off and leaves his wife sitting there.
Sam and Alexis chat and I really am going to lose it if she doesn't just tell her mom what's going on. And instead of just asking Sam point-blank if John McBain was how she got a hold of Franco's DNA, Jason goes and grills Max about McBain and brings his nephew along to stand around looking concerned because it's "Bring Your Nephew to Work Day" for the mob.
He asks Max about Kate and then runs off, with Michael following him.
Carly, having seen Sonny wandering by with a gun in the hallway, rushes into the bedroom to find Konnie and Johnny there. She is very upset, and Johnny tells her it's not what it looks like. Then he explains to her that they slept together, which I assume is precisely what Carly thought it looked like. (None of this means that they didn't stage it, dammit! Hope springs eternal!) Konnie is fascinated by the bullet holes in the wall.
Alexis asks Michael for insight into Jason's general assitude, but he is able to provide none and this leads to a discussion about John McBain and his unnecessary personal grudge against Sonny and his various chats with Sam that have everyone's eyebrows raised.
Jason goes to the hospital and shows Elizabeth a photo of John McBain and asks if he's the man she saw Sam with, which she confirms. Sam is having the standard soap scene of talking to her baby and foolishly telling her baby that Jason's going to be a great father when John McBain walks up.
Sonny bangs into his house and yells at Max and pours himself a drink, and the barware props have minds of their own today. Meanwhile Carly calls Konnie a "filthy bitch" and Konnie taunts her, asking if she's going to kill her, to which Carly retorts, "There's a first time for everything." Well, yes, Carly, if you killed her right now it would indeed be the first time you killed her. Well put! Anyway, Johnny accidentally calls her "Konnie," and Carly wonders why he called her that, and Konnie looks all nervous. Here's a hint, Krazy Konnie: if you don't want Carly to know you're the alter, fake Kate's accent the way we just saw you do the whole first half of the show for Sonny. IT'S NOT THAT HARD. And Johnny looks like he feels bad, not because he just had "sex" (maybe staged? maybe staged?) with Kate without anything resembling valid consent from the actual person, but because it made Carly mad.
I do not have the time or the energy or the wherewithal at the moment to get worked up about what has been done to a fake person with a silly soapy totally outlandish version of D.I.D., so I'm not going to rant right now, but I'm going to just keep putting it out in the universe: PLEASE LET IT HAVE BEEN STAGED.