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« On Mysteries and Meltdowns | Main | The Quick and the Sincere »

April 02, 2012

Memory Lane Is My Favorite Neighborhood In Port Charles

Thousands (do thousands of people still watch this show? For honesty's sake, I'd like to revise that, but "tens" just doesn't have the same flair) of General Hospital fans spent years railing against the show's complete unwillingness to even mention, let alone honor, its history. I'd like to speak on behalf of myself and the other eight people still watching this show and profess my thanks to the writers for blessing us with a sterling recap of Heather Webber's misdeeds and craziness!

Steve: Anyway, my father, being the stand-up guy he is, wanted my mother to get an abortion, but she didn't.
Olivia: Thank god.
Steve: Instead, she had me, and, uh -- sold me to another couple.
Olivia: Are you serious right now?
Steve: Apparently the going rate was 10,000 bucks.
Olivia: That is truly horrible. I don't know what to say.
Steve: That's not the worst part of the story. Heather, my mother, eventually changed her mind.
Olivia: Of course she did. She wanted you back.
Steve: She concocted this -- this whole plan to drive my adopted mother insane -- and this was where it gets wacky -- by slipping her some LSD.
Olivia: Wait, so -- so what happened? Did it work?
Steve: Not exactly. She wound up drinking the spiked tea herself and completely broke down mentally.

This condensed version of a particularly fantastic era in GH history also meant that we got to see one of my favorite recurring soap opera elements in action: when a character is confronted with a situation that can only be described as well...soapy. It's fascinating to me to see how the character reacts to the weirdness that their life has taken. They sometimes, like real life human beings would, find it to be absurd. And they are sometimes so resigned to the ridiculousness of their lives that they can't even be bothered to give a half-hearted shrug.

Olivia Falconeri is one of the former soap characters, reacting to Steve's story with a variety of facial expressions that I can only describe as being wildly over-the-top and more appropriate for a silent film (she also, because she is terrible, interrupted her boyfriend's story to make things all about herself and her own out of wedlock pregnancy. She's so happy that Steve is finally opening up to her that she just has to talk about herself!). She burned off about three hundred calories just by wiggling her eyebrows to denote surprise and horror.

Speaking of surprise and horror: THIS ENTIRE CONVERSATION TOOK PLACE WHILE THEY WERE NAKED, POST-SEXING. Sorry for the semi-hysterical caps lock, but WHAT?! WHO DOES THAT AND WHY AND ALSO, ACK! THE GRUESOME TWOSOME HAS TURNED ME INTO CATHY! BASTARDS!

Comments

Dear Steve and Olivia:

You both suck. Thanks for recapping Heather Webber's history for me! I wasn't watching then because, well, I had yet to be born.

Sincerely,

soapbaby

Is anyone as annoyed as I am (yet again) by Sam's "I'm the first person to ever have a baby, and I'm entitled to know anything I want, and how dare you not understand that?" attitude.

Maybe it's KM's shortcomings as an actress (just MHO), but I want to slap her after almost every scene she's in. Even her NOW I want Jason to not be involved in the mob since it's so dangerous for her baby, after she spent hours whining about Elizabeth's attitude.

I hope Heather somehow escapes and does away with Sam and Olivia.

Also--wasn't it odd how LONG it took Ewen to know Cassandra was dead. Even in soap opera time, it was about 2 weeks. Where did he think she was?

Bwahahahaha! Heather Webber is back in the saddle again!

Olivia should have died in that car bomb that Sonny set up for Johnny.

Steve had me laughing my head off because I am old enough to sort of remember some of the Heather stuff with Jeff, Susan, and Scotty.

The only time that I ever liked Sam was when she was staring down that scarf in the penthouse that Liz accidently left one day, and when she was going all bat shit crazy back in 2007. Otherwise, Sam is just snooze worthy. KM does her best work as a bad girl and not some goody two shoes bland Brenda wannabe as Sam McCall.

I floved the recap! I, too, wasn't born during Heather's heyday, so it was nice to hear it all. LSD tea!!!!

BTW, is there any particular reason Steven is Steven Lars?

I must say this as my two cents:

I'm loving me some Heather Webber. That is all.

I just wonder how sympathetic Steve might be if he were played by a better (and less leathery) actor.

Any thoughts on the incredibly LOL writing choice to invent a dead sister for John to blame Sonny for? How many years has Ron Carlivati spent writing bad fanfic? John doesn't look angry when he talks about or sees Sonny. He looks bored as hell. The same way he looks at everyone.

I have only known Robin Mattson as Gina on Santa Barbara and then Janet Greene on AMC. She was great in both roles but I am pretty sure I have only seen her play BSC women! Boy, does she do crazy well. Still, I don't think even her Heather Webber can make Steven Lars interesting :-/ maybe if we're lucky she at least get out of Ferncliff long enough to off Olivia!

I have only seen some clips of her work as Heather but the first time around she played a very complex woman, since Heather was sometimes crazy, but had passionate relationships with men like Joe Kelly (a town hero) and Scotty Baldwin (town heel). I hope she might have some of this nuance now. I just wish they'd recast Steve.

Hey Carl,
That mention of John's dead sister also threw me for a loop, as a former viewer of OLTL. Not buying it. Perhaps viewers who are unfamiliar with John McBain's history might swallow this as a rationale for his hatred for Sonny. Me, not so much. I know he lost a beloved fiance. I would've been good if he just hated Sonny for eluding capture for so many years. But, that's just me...

@Carl: "Leathery" is the perfect descriptor for Steven Lars.

John McBain's: "He killed my sister." fell completely flat. Sonny may have been involved in the accident that killed Cole and Hope, plus he is a career criminal and that should be enough to wish to put him away. This new information is doubly tired, given that John (or his brother, Michael) never mentioned a sister!

Maybe Heather will tell Sam that Jason's the lost Manning triplet! Seriously, that would be preferable to Franco being his brother, which is what I'm afraid of. As for John's mystery sister, I'd be OK with it if I thought Sonny would actually PAY for it.

A new "dead" sister doesn't surprise me. I remember AW making much of he fact that Cass had only his sister as a living relative - even talking about what their dearly departed Mom would have thought about some action of said sister. Only to have a completely unknown, fully grown, baby brother appear in town! And dead Mommy? Well, she was apparently only dead to Cass because of the horrible way he'd lived his life. Oh well, that's a soap for you.

@Verona: I loved Morgan, so I was okay with him coming along as Cass' brother! And I hated Grayson McCouch as a cheap-knockoff-version of Sonny Corinthos when he was cast as Dusty on ATWT.

Randomly, years ago I met Stephen Schnetzer and was completely starstruck. So embarrassing. His voice is amazing.

Now, I'm missing Another World :-(

@bourgeois nerd -- Re Steven Lars: Jeff Webber's adoptive dad who he thought was his real dad was Lars Webber. Steve Hardy (Liz's gramps, Audrey's hubby) was his actual father. He named his son after both.

I remember that the McBains had a cousin named Shannon. Maybe because she was so horrible that no other McBains could be spoken about?

Not buying it? Me either.

Anyway, I'm with Linda, if John could just be pissed that a CRIMINAL is running around free and is worshiped in this looney town, that would rock. We could have dialog like this:

Whoever: "Why do you hate Sonny so much?"

John: "Because he sucks."

Enough said.

As much as the Steven/Olivia conversation was informative (if eyeball-searing), I couldn't help giggling at the idea of how Steven learned all of this information.

I picture a particularly entertaining Thanksgiving dinner. . . .

John and Michael McBain were the only two children by their father who died when they were around 10 - 14 years old. Shannon was John and Michael's cousin.

Mallory - you cracked me up! Love this blog & ITA....everything about Steve & Olivia is just...skeevy....
I am old enough to remember the Heather/Steven Lars/PJ (was it PJ that Diana named him? horrible name!) and it was great soapy stuff!

I remember the era of Heather Webber as well. What use to drive me ABSOLUTELY INSANE was Steve was ALWAYS referred to as "Steven Lars". That use to drive me bat shit crazy and I was only around 12 at the time. I remember thinking EVERY TIME THEY SAID IT, "who calls a child by his first and middle name ALL THE TIME?". Thank God when he came back as a grown up, it was just Steve. Oh, and if there is even the slightest chance of a Jeff Webber return, if it is anyone other than Richard Dean Anderson, I ain't buying it.

OLTLgirl, he was "PJ" for Peter Jr., Peter Sr. being Diana's husband, Peter Taylor. And Dawn, they had to call him "Steven Lars" because his grandfather, Steve (Hardy) was still on the show (and regularly seen, complete with storyline), so "Steve" or "Steven" wouldn't have worked--it might have gotten confusing. (I would have opted maybe for "Stevie," but maybe they thought that too was too close to "Steve.")

Ah, Marland-era GH. Such memories.

Oh, and wait, I just realized that Steve (aka Steven Lars, aka PJ/Peter Jr.) left out the best part of the story. He should have said "She wound up drinking the spiked tea herself, because she put the two tea glasses on my merry-go-round toy, and after I came along and turned it on, she couldn't tell which tea glass had the LSD in it, so she drank the wrong one."

And by the way, for you young'uns who were not around to have seen all this for yourself, this was Heather in her pre-Robin Mattson days; she was played during the PJ/Steven Lars/LSD storyline by another actress, Mary O'Brien, the second Heather. Heather got carted off to the loony bin after drinking the LSD-laced iced tea, and when she came back, she looked like Robin Mattson, the third Heather. (And just to complete your Heather history lesson, the first actress to play Heather was Georganne LaPierre [not sure about that spelling], Cher's half-sister.)

@OLTLgirl: Diana named the boy PJ -- short for Peter Jr. -- after her husband Peter Taylor who later suffered a massive stroke when he learned the true identity of their child. Peter tried to tell Diana the truth but died before he could.

@Mallory: I totally bought the whole sharing the weird shit in your life after the adult nakedness because, well...let's just say I totally bought it.

Anyhoo, I totally remember the whole LSD spiked ice tea story and only wish the show could've shown a flashback with dumb-ass Heather putting the drinks on a lazy susan and PJ a.k.a. Steven Lars spinning it and mixing up the drinks (I'm pretty sure that was the way that episode ended -- complete with cheesy 70's music -- if memory serves).

*sigh*

This show used to be soooo good back in the day...

I'm pretty psyched that they are setting up Anna to work with McBain to take down Sonny. It means that she will be sticking around a while!!!

@Michael, Oh I get it now. When I was 12 I didn't and it use to just bug me. I do, however, think it is hilarious that Heather still calls him that. :)~

Good Lord. I want the Franco crap to end. And why in the world did Sam just assume that Jason's alleged sibling would've been his identical twin? You meet many more fraternal twins than identical twins. And why the hell would Heather just give Sam a letter(that she just happened to have on her body), have Sam promise to give it to Steven Webber and then just blather out everything. Isn't that a bit like freeing a hostage and then expecting a prompt payout from the hostage's family/business? I don't see how Sam is obligated to contact Steven.

Also, since when did Steve ever consider Heather his mother? Birth mother, yes. But Sarah's and Elizabeth's mother was the mother who raised him from a small child. That just irks me. Especially since Steve is a doctor and usually a bit formal. So to hear him call a woman he has had very limited contact with virtually all of his life, his "mother" bothers me.

I call BS on the sudden dead sister syndrome with McBain. John had his mom and brother. Dead dad. No sister. And there was that stupid little cousin, but not one damn mention ever of a sister. Career criminal Sonny has done more than enough for John to dispise the man. New and dead sister is just lazy. But Anna and PC's new ONEGOODCOP teaming up to take down the mob? Awesome!

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