The X and the Y

I gave GH the regular recap-as-it-goes treatment yesterday, so I felt it was only fair to subject treat B&B to the same delight.

Standard opening shots of the city. Steffy is packing stuff and her hair is still too light. Brooke walks into Steffy's office and glares at her. This doesn't faze Steffy and, although I loathe Steffy's embarrassing preoccupation with Liam, she's pretty hilarious responding to Brooke with such amusement.

Hope and Liam are making out on the private jet and the male-model/pilot --

-- says they'll be ready to take off as soon as Steffy, their other passenger, arrives. Hope seems trashed, though she's not.

The team in Aspen is setting up for Aspen Fashion Week (is that a real thing ever?). None of these people are played by actual actors (I have to assume) so it's pretty torturous to watch. AspenOliver gets a call from Bill about "getting the job done." 

Credits. Short version.

So apparently Bill's genius plan is to have the press attack Hope like never before. Bill complains to Justin, smugly (as if he could do it any other way).

Hope and Liam get all saccharine with each other some more on the jet. Hope is sure that it's going to be a great trip, and Liam promises that Steffy won't be a problem for them. (Note to Liam: don't actually kiss her if you don't want her to be a problem.)

Steffy tells Brooke that it's a bad idea for Hope to go, and they argue. Brooke's adenoids seem to be acting up, or maybe Katherine Kelly Lang has allergies. Despite Steffy's hair being too light, she looks exceptionally striking today.

Brooke is not convinced that Steffy doesn't have some scheme all set up for Aspen.

Commercials.

Steffy and Brooke continue to argue, both being annoyingly overconfident and smirky.

Back to Aspen Fashion Week set-up. Pretty stunning location shots. Ramona and AspenOliver have an incredibly stiff conversation disagreeing on Bill's plan for Hope. 

Liam asks Hope if it's crazy that the two of them are flying to Aspen with Steffy, because Liam is the DUMBEST LIVING HUMAN. He needs to ask? Hope, of course, assures him that it's indeed crazy. Because she has a brain in her head (albeit a bland and vanilla one, but a brain nonetheless). Steffy shows up and snarks a little.

Commercials.

Brooke pays Bill a visit. Brooke reminds Bill what happened when everyone was last in Aspen and then when they were in Cabo, and Bill pretends he's up to nothing. Brooke tries to act all threatening.

Brooke: It's just that every time they go out of town, you have a hand in something. That's not going to be the case this time. 

Bill looks utterly unmoved in every way. If he'd had a little wine, he might feel differently.

Ramona and AspenOliver brief the press and let them know that Hope is coming and where she'll be staying. AspenOliver awkwardly announces that he's offering top dollar for any footage or quotes from Hope and all the "press" extras nod excitedly. It's... less than convincing. I've worked with second-grade students who can pull of "psyched group mentality" in a nursery rhyme play better than this. (I'm sure they are lovely people. I am not sure, however, that there's any way to pretend these were decent scenes.)

I mean, here's the Aspen press corps.

No, seriously.

Steffy and Hope bitch at each other a bit, and Liam actually says, "Mmm, maybe this wasn't such a good idea, the three of us flying together," because Liam is the DUMBEST LIVING HUMAN. Steffy insists that it's fine, but that Aspen is going to be too stressful for Hope. Steffy rubs in the public scrutiny a bit, and Hope rubs in her cuddling with Liam. I want this to be amusing, but it is not. The wacky guitar music underscoring the scene suggests that we are supposed to be tickled by this, but in my case the wacky guitar music's suggestion is spectacularly off base.

Commercials.

Brooke goes ahead and tells Bill how vulnerable Hope is because it's generally a good idea for people to expose Hope's vulnerabilities to Bill because he is super. And a real man of integrity.

The Aspen Fashion Week crew and press team are still delivering awkward dialogue and looking worried.

There's some bad special effects of a flying plane.

 

Inside the plane, Hope excuses herself for... I guess the restroom? Liam thanks Steffy for "playing nice" and flirts with her shamelessly. Steffy tells him that she wishes it were just the two of them going back to their most wonderful moments and Liam looks utterly enchanted with her. She tells she feels like a different person from their last time in Aspen because she feels so together and at peace with herself because it would really suck if somebody really, really brain-dead in the audience couldn't follow the juxtaposition they're trying to sell here. (Hilariously, I might add, since the notion of Steffy as the picture of mental stability is about as shaky as Brooke's sexual purity.) Liam is so very impressed by how together she seems, and Steffy says only one thing would make it better and makes some sort of a smacking sound and is thisclose to launching into another "cha cha cha!" but stops blissfully short. Then she pretends to take no pleasure from what Hope is going through, but explains that Hope has always had drama and issues (I'm still not seeing the difference) and Liam, of course, falls for it hook, line, and sinker. Because Liam is the DUMBEST LIVING HUMAN. Steffy once again tells Liam she's sure he still loves her and he doesn't deny it, just like when he couldn't deny he was still in love with Hope when he was supposed to be with Steffy. Anyway, Steffy says she'll be cool with it if they don't get back together and that he'll still have a friend for life, but if they do get back together... well, we all know what she effing says.

 

"Cha cha cha!"

I then seriously consider opening a vein.

Liam does nothing to shut her down, because he never does. Nor did he ever when he was talking to Hope while allegedly committed to Steffy. Because he is such a great catch. And because Liam is the DUMBEST LIVING HUMAN.

Comments

[BarbWord]

Isn't that pilot The Bachelor that picked/dumped that Vienna chick?

[Louise]

Is it really?! I had no idea! That's hysterical.

[C]

This show sounds terrible.

[guilty pleasure]

@BarbWord: Yes, and his name is Jake Pavelka, and he was also a contestant on DWTS too!

[boes]

Do you think Mr. Pavelka knows B&B is a soap? Or does he think it's real life?

He's the PERFECT foil for both shows, not big on the working brain cells.

[Mike]

Crap - Jake Pavelka? And apparently he can't get rid of that smug, jackass grin he has on his face every time he shows up on tv.

[Carl]

I have started to watch the show again in the last few months, but Bill is a big deterrent for me. I thought, hey, I can tolerate or ignore everyone, it won't be like the old days where my raging hatred of Taylor often overcame all and I skipped most of the scenes. Now we have Bill who makes his life's work destroying and pimping young women. I think we're supposed to see this as fun and cool, and I'm sure many viewers do. I just don't get his behavior, or why we are supposed to forget Bill/Steffy ever happened, or why Don Diamont can't get a better dye job.

B&B loves reality castoffs in recurring roles. Brendan and Rachel used to show up. At least Jake probably has a better time here than he did on DWTS, where he was mostly remembered for passive-aggressive fighting with his pro partner (who recently named him as her least favorite partner).

[LindaLaValle1@hotmail.com]

I, too, am verging onopening a vein about this Tiresome Triangle, and neglect of other cast members. If they haven't swept this Hope/Liam/Steffy sl onto the backburner just a bit( I'm not asking for a miracle here)after May sweeps, I am seriously six two and even, over and DEFINITELY OUT.I'll be watching the last half hour of DOOL. I really hate hoping for the demise of all three of these characters, but especially Liam, the DoucheLord of L.A....

[Bourgeois Nerd]

If there is no GONDOLA action in Aspen, then I will be terribly disappointed in Bill Bell Jr.

[Anne]

Only a GONDOLA can save this triangle.

[minirth]

Only a reliquary in a GONDOLA can save this!

[kelly]

If this show is this bad at 30 minutes imagine how bad it could be if it were an HOUR long and featured the mob!!!! They would break new barriers of suckitude!

[Ziyal]

Your recap, as always, is STELLAR, Louise!

"but if they do get back together... well, we all know what she effing says. CHA CHA CHA."
-->This made me laugh so hard.

Loving the screencaps. And OMG, seriously, flying in the same plane?!! Liam indeed is he DUMBEST LIVING HUMAN.

[SallyV]

The team in Aspen is setting up for Aspen Fashion Week (is that a real thing ever?).

Just in cast you haven't found out, yes, Aspen Fashion Week is a real event held in March. They feature ski/winter clothing.

Why didn't they show this story in March when AFW was actually happening?

[Jackers]

Gawd, this recap was light years more entertaining than the actual stupid show.

[Pinky]

"Liam is the DUMBEST LIVING HUMAN"

Louise... Thank you!

[Lisa]

No gondola, no crotch rocket references either?!?! That ruined my day.

LOL at Jake Pavelka or whatever his name is. Smarmy SOB fits right in, huh?

Cha cha cha!

[cheap new era hats]

Looking forward to see cool stuff from you guys!

[new era hats]

I think they are so cool!

[MLB Jerseys]

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[Air max cheap]

Excellently written article, if only all blogger offered the same level of content as you.

[Wholesale new era hats]

And I like doing interfaces, because those are the things my characters do to one another.

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Put it full gas field, so you step on the peak of the high-end fashion.

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Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it. —Eckhart Tolle
I still believe it.

[goodyear marijuana doctor]

To complete it, the researchers recommend that women consume water.