Serial Drama

The Comic & the Ignorant

It happened! The Bold & the Beautiful had a scene that was funny and was SUPPOSED to be funny! And that totally mocked their assiest character!

Honestly, I'd read in one of the articles a while back introducing this whole storyline with Karen and Dani that at one point Bill decides Dani was hitting on him, and I got nervous. I got nervous because I assumed that Bill knew Dani was Karen's wife and that Karen would get all jealous and I started having extremely unfortunately Bianca/Reese/Zach flashbacks from All My Children. And admittedly it's been a long time since I had a whole lot of faith in this show, and the idea that the first time a show SET IN L.A. ABOUT THE FREAKING FASHION INDUSTRY was going to feature any gay characters was going to be in another "Yeah, but if she meets a dude hot enough she can be switched back" scenario? I was worried. But I was wrong! In such cases, I love to admit that I was wrong! (Let's just hope it stays that way.)

Turns out, Bill doesn't have a clue and looked like a total jackass yesterday when, due to his Mount Vesuvius-sized ego, he assumed Dani was hitting on him while he was interviewing her for a job. The follow-up conversation was intentional comedy gold...

Bill: That kind of behavior during a job interview...she was hitting on me the whole time, Karen.

Karen (highly amused): You think she was flirting with you?

Bill: I don't think anything. She was practically undressing me with her eyes. You know, she's a beautiful woman, and back in the day, pre-Katie, if I saw her at a bar--

Karen: Bill. Your virtue is perfectly safe. I assure you, she was not hitting on you.

Wednesday's Sorrow and Joy

I knew that when I looked at my DVR description of today's General Hospital and it said, "Spinelli has a broken heart" and I was overcome with schadenfreude, I'd have to just go ahead and indulge in a straight recap of the episode.

So we open with just that. Spinelli, who "selflessly" "rescued" Maxie (you certainly can't use either of those words without quotes in this context) in another attempt to win her back learns that, no, it didn't win Maxie back because none of the times he "selflessly" does something for her in an attempt to win her back ever work. But because he is insane and annoying, he assumed this one would be the clincher. Nope, she married Matt because she found out from a fancy legal book that it means she won't have to testify against him. Presto change-o, they both go free! Because that's totally logical, considering the entirety of her release depended on her testimony against Matt. Spinelli reacts to this with a puppy dog face. How dare she not reward his "selfless" act by getting back together with him?

See? Big book! Wedding ring! Magic!

At the PCPD, Dante and Dolores discuss their mutual incompetence. Or not really, but close enough.

Tracy and Luke are at the boathouse wondering where Anthony's body went.

Anthony is busy being an annoying ghost. Johnny is annoyed since he'd called the cops with an anonymous tip. Kind of like the anonymous tip that got Jason arrested for Franco's murder (meaning the Beecher's Corners police know FOR A FACT that it was Jason!). Jason explains to John McBain that the anonymous tip was from John. John resists, at least for a moment, explaining the definition of "anonymous" to Jason. 

Kristina tells her family they're going to be in her Mob Princess reality show.

The Crazy & the Smothering

Brooke. Oh, Brooke.

You know, I've generally enjoyed Brooke a lot so it irritates me when she's being awful, it really does. And right now, she is being awful. They have really got to find her a more interesting storyline than, "Over-involved with her 'adult' daughter to the point that it's pathological."

I know that soap families are always about a million times more involved in the minutiae of each other's lives than most families are in real life (since in real life, it's rare that the entirety of one's extended family lives in spitting distance and even rarer that we all have unlimited amounts of free time in which to get up in one another's grills), but this is ridiculous. It's not just Brooke, of course, since Bill is also pretty unhinged about this whole thing -- but he's an assface and loves the idea of being a puppet-master, so it makes more sense for him. Brooke, on the other hand...

She actually went to her daughter's freaking therapist to instruct her to change her course of therapy. It was bad enough that she was attending all of Hope's earlier sessions (that were themed on Hope's issues with sex, I might add) and I'd been relieved that they finally let Hope have some sessions on her own. But really. I'm getting a little squicked out by everyone who gets to know about what's going on in her private therapy -- I don't know what it is, especially since people get violated on this show every which way, but this one just seems like such an appalling invasion to me. Perhaps it's because actually going to therapy is in fact very non-soapy and so it's hard not to apply some real-life values to the scenario. Evil twin? No problem-o. Back from the dead? Do what you want, I won't look for verisimilitude there! But good lord, stop turning Brooke Logan into Mommie Dearest!

There are two upsides to all this, though. One is that we get to see more Hillary B. Smith as Stacy (and I actually think that's another problem with this -- she's almost too good at playing this therapist that it makes me settle in for realism when I should really know better than that!) (she is also wasted in the role, of course, and they should give Stacy a life outside those sessions!).

Please Don't Forget the REAL Victim

I don't want this to become a habit because, for starters, it would get incredibly repetitive incredibly quickly and I'd get sick of typing the word just after you got sick of reading them. And--and this is probably the most important to me, because there is little in this world that I enjoy more than being haughty and judgmental--I'd lose the moral high ground, you know? Like, I can't really rail against this show for being creatively bankrupt while I make a career out of posting the exact same post on a daily basis (Introductory paragraph written in either a pithy, self-effacing tone or a grouchy, caps lock filled angry tone, followed by a particularly horrible quote by Sonny, followed by a wordy declaration of my own speechlessness), can I?

BUT IN FAIRNESS TO ME...Sonny is the freaking worst. Like, to the point that I barely even absorbed any of the show after Sonny barked out this nugget of delusion. Mostly because I went deaf. Although I WAS mentally present for the show's very end, where Maxie dropped the bombshell that she and Matt were married and that she wouldn't have to testify against him after all, and I kind of LOVED that a whole lot (although if Jason Cook is leaving, I am sure my love will be brief and then quickly replaced with the all-encompassing grossness of a Maxie/Spinelli reunion). But other than that? NOTHING. Anna and McBain talked a lot, and so did Elizabeth and Jason and all I could hear was my own voice saying, irked and irritated, "That stumpy little son of a bitch".

Kristina: Which is where I would have stayed, Molly, if he hadn't done something about it. God knows how many legs you had to break or how many people you had to threaten with car bombs --
Sonny: Enough! Now! You want to talk about the current situation, we'll talk about that. But don't bring up something in the past that hurt me.

Remember that time that Kristina could have been killed by a car bomb? And everyone was suspicious of Sonny for obvious reasons, such as his innate horribleness, and he became progressively angrier whenever anyone voiced their concerns and was so upset by the cruelty of those accusations that he swore on his own son's life that he didn't set the car bomb? Well, it HURT HIM to make those vigorous, lie-filled denials. He is SO SAD that he got caught doing something terrible out of spite and jealousy, and how dare Kristina be so insensitive as to bring that up? There is a statute of limitations on (most) past hurts, Krissy (please note that blaming misfortunes on Deke is timeless).

The Hypocrisy Is Suffocating

I just want to make sure that I'm understanding this correctly--it's entirely possible that I'm not and that I am, in fact, missing every single point, not because General Hospital is a deep and layered television program (I scoff a loud "HA!" at the very thought), but more because I often end an episode temporarily debilitated because of banging my head against a wall.

Sonny is angry that Starr threatened to kill him and responds by...threatening to kill Todd in between raging some more about Starr?

Sonny: You have a death wish, running that stupid little mouth of yours, challenging me in ways nobody would ever dare to...giving me options. Well, I've settled on an option, Manning. I'm going to kill you right now...[...]Michael and I are going to send your daughter to prison for attempted murder.

I mean...we're supposed to come away from this with a renewed sense of Sonny hatred, right? Because that is just the worst of ALL possible things and the only thing keeping me from turning this from a mini-screed to a maxi-screed is Todd's completely unimpressed and also, hilarious responses to this prolonged tantrum.

Like, "Yeah, yeah, okay, you're sticking my body in a trunk--what did you mean when you said I have a stupid little mouth?"

 

Bill, My Favorite Person!

Look at Bill, sitting there basically twirling his mustache (I love getting to use that on a character who actual has a mustache for real for once!), listening in on a young girl's private therapy session and planning to exploit her most personal weaknesses so that he can further play puppet master in his douchenozzle son's life.

I love him!

Okay, not seriously. He's a total ass, and his mockery of women who actually have imperfections and problems is hilariously ironic considering the dude is one giant walking mommy issue. (Again, so dying for Katie to have a girl!)

But I can't help it. I'm feeling warm and fuzzy toward him at the moment. And all because of this:

Deacon!! Bill's going to bring Deacon back! ALL IS FORGIVEN.

Okay, I know I know, rumor has it his return has turned into just a visit, and it'll only play into the triangle I'm always complaining about. But for now? I get Sean Kanan back on my screen and I will never complain about that. Also, more grownups!

It's A Mixed Bag (of Nuts and Berries)

I'll take an up-and-down episode over one that's all down any day of the week. Today was a bit of a back-and-forth roller coaster, so it's time for a Serial Drama list....

NUTS: Sonny gets to be right about Johnny. And he gets to learn that after "giving him some credit" today and revising his opinion. Damn.

BERRIES: Tracy is actually in a real storyline, not just a stupid comic subplot.

NUTS: They still haven't pointed out how easy it should be to convince a court that killing Lisa was completely justified. Sure, Felicia pointed out that Matt's attorney could argue extenuating circumstances, but that this is the first time it's been mentioned just illustrates the insanity of this storyline from its first moment.

BERRIES: They're not letting people just forget about Robin's "death" just because we've moved on to new storylines. Anna sobbing over shampoo that smells like Robin was a lovely realistic touch.

I might've sniffled a bit myself. Might've.

NUTS: Oh crap. Daytime's 3,984th "we keep the actor on to be a kooky and wacky ghost" story!

Can't freaking wait.

I'm Sorry--WHAT?!

These are things I learned about Johnny Zacchara today (in order to save my fingers from the carpal tunnel that would surely arise after typing the following ad nauseum after every point on this list, please imagine that each item ends with the words "--what. What? WHAT?! And this happened because--because why? Why?! HORRIBLE. HORRORSHOW. HORRORSHOWIBLE"):

Johnny shot out Anthony's tires and is responsible for Hope and Cole's deaths, which is basically terrible because it means that Sonny was right to jump to the most anti-Zacchara conclusion in a matter of second and anytime Sonny is proven right about something, a small piece of my soul withers away. Also, it's terrible because, you know, a young father and a toddler are dead.

Johnny tells stories to dying people in the most dramatic fashion possible, complete with flashbacks and a gravelly voice and extremely dramatic segues.

Johnny: There she was in my face, as always. Connie. Just like she's always been.

Johnny: The idea came to me right away. The best one I ever had.

Johnny: You know at first, Connie wasn't really on board with the plan. It took a little convincing.

Because, you know, that's how I tell stories. I use a husky voice and strange introductory statements and then I raise my eyebrow as a signal to the person I am conversing with, letting them know that if there were flashbacks in real life, this is where I'd be inserting one.

The Fine & the Surprising

Thankfully, yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful alleviated a few concerns about the new storyline regarding Karen and Danielle: turns out they were not in the closet when they lived in New York City (at least since the death of Karen's father), and that the only concern in L.A. is Bill, who Karen is (understandably) concerned will be as judgmental about it as their father was. That said, my question is this: so? It still seems odd to me. The explanation suggested that Karen's father made her stay closeted by basically blackmailing her regarding her career and her ownership shares in Spencer, but that's all done now so I'm not sure exactly what Bill could do to her.

Anyway, obviously this is much more about Caroline and how she's dealing with it than it is about Karen and Dani since Karen and Dani are totally grown women and this is B&B so, you know, eww. So Caroline and Thomas had their little chat about it and were so utterly enamored of each other's open-mindedness and compassion that they had a little heat-free kissy-face, after which Thomas immediately left. (I'm assuming to go ring-shopping.)

Well, Thomas, you should know better than to be a gentleman! Don't you know that you're on B&B and there's always someone waiting in the wings to get into an insta-serious relationship with whomever you're interested in?

Sure enough, Rick stopped by to explain to Caroline that he's not actually a cross-dresser. I'm plain delighted that I get to type that sentence about something that's happening on a real show. Delighted.

They chatted about how they don't like secrets, and Rick asked if it would be a secret if he told her he wanted to kiss her. Without waiting for an answer to such an illogical question (smart move), he went in for it...

The best part was that during this kiss, they were playing this really bizarre creepy "Danger!" music to underscore it. I interpreted that scary music as, "Look out! We're going to throw another boring love triangle at you, full of at least two people who are way too young to be so obsessed with getting uber-serious so quickly! And the characters will be super-bland! DANGER!"

Also, I need them to give this character a sense of humor.

The real meat of the episode, though, was Katie and Bill "discussing" her pregnancy. This was a fun surprise after Friday's episode ending with Bill ordering Katie to get an immediate abortion. I wasn't sure quite how they were going to spin that come Monday, but to their credit, they spun it well! Turns out Bill basically thinks pregnancy would be a death sentence for Katie because of her heart condition, and he cannot bear the idea of losing her.

Lamest Murder Ever

It's not that I won't forgive holes in soap stories; I will. I do routinely, in fact. Not being able to forgive holes in stories and demanding real-world logic of soaps at all times would make for a very frustrated (and undoubtedly brief) viewer indeed. But gaping holes are excusable if they exist to serve a great story. And in the case of the Murder of Lisa Niles? Oh, we have a big problem because this story is so far from great that not even the great Jason Morgan and John McBain's omnipotent spidey senses combined would be able to find their way without a detailed map.

Just to scratch the surface of the many issues I'm finding insurmountable:

• Let's start with a small one. According to Spinelli's insistence that Maxie is a peace-loving, do-no-harm type of gal, she won't even use makeup tested on animals? That must be difficult in her industry! Especially interesting since she wears animals routinely and apparently, according to her comment to Matt in yesterday's episode, eats foie gras. You know, like all animal rights activists do. I hear it's the nightly dish at the PETA convention buffets.

• Spinelli has now filled the court in on the fact that Matt killed Lisa and Maxie witnessed it, and the judge is utterly unconcerned that, if this is true, it means that Maxie provided a false confession and lied under oath and offered up falsified evidence.

• Somehow Maxie is now a martyr and did "all of this" to protect Matt, which is hilarious considering the EFFING CASE WAS MOTHEREFFING CLOSED. If Matt goes to prison for this, it's actually Maxie's fault. Maxie is a crap-ass martyr, to say the very least. And by the way, we all saw Matt and Maxie's relationship before and after Lisa's death. We were not born yesterday, and that was not a loving girlfriend trying to save her loving boyfriend's life.