These are things I learned about Johnny Zacchara today (in order to save my fingers from the carpal tunnel that would surely arise after typing the following ad nauseum after every point on this list, please imagine that each item ends with the words "--what. What? WHAT?! And this happened because--because why? Why?! HORRIBLE. HORRORSHOW. HORRORSHOWIBLE"):
Johnny shot out Anthony's tires and is responsible for Hope and Cole's deaths, which is basically terrible because it means that Sonny was right to jump to the most anti-Zacchara conclusion in a matter of second and anytime Sonny is proven right about something, a small piece of my soul withers away. Also, it's terrible because, you know, a young father and a toddler are dead.
Johnny tells stories to dying people in the most dramatic fashion possible, complete with flashbacks and a gravelly voice and extremely dramatic segues.
Johnny: There she was in my face, as always. Connie. Just like she's always been.
Johnny: The idea came to me right away. The best one I ever had.
Johnny: You know at first, Connie wasn't really on board with the plan. It took a little convincing.
Because, you know, that's how I tell stories. I use a husky voice and strange introductory statements and then I raise my eyebrow as a signal to the person I am conversing with, letting them know that if there were flashbacks in real life, this is where I'd be inserting one.
Johnny is the kind of person who manipulates a (dangerously) mentally ill woman into confessing to a crime that he committed
Connie: What are you talking about? I didn't take the shot at Anthony. Why would I say I did that?
Johnny: Because Sonny is on the fence about Kate. It's only a matter of time before he forgives her and then Kate is going to blame the whole assault on Dr. Keenan on you and Kate is going to grow stronger and stronger with Sonny's love and support.
Connie: Yeah, because she's a freaking idiot and cant get out of her own way.
Johnny: She's going to be cured right, and she and Sonny are going to live happily ever after and you--you're going to be gone.
Connie: I ain't going nowhere. No one's getting rid of me that easily.
Johnny: Your plan this entire time was to get Kate out of Sonny's life, right?
Connie: Yeah. Okay, so you told me to confess to something I didn't do.
Johnny: Listen to me: sleeping with me wasn't enough of a betrayal, but if Sonny thinks that you framed him for murder, that you shot out Anthony's tires and caused that accident and then planted that gun? He's going to be done with Kate forever and you? You're going to be free.
...because Johnny wants a second chance with Carly, I guess, even though Carly's romantic history indicates that the only chance a man SHOULD want with Carly is a chance to erase their history entirely and save himself the pain and anguish that comes with romancing her. And I say that as someone who LOVES Carly! But really, she's mostly terrible.
And he also wants to make amends with Starr, whose family he killed.
Johnny: That's with me every minute of every day. Every time I go to the park and see kids playing, I see a little girl with her father...it stops my heart. I feel sick. I can't bring them back, but I can make amends and I owe that girl Starr.
And he plans to make those amends by allowing a mentally unstable woman to take the fall for his own crime?
Also...he goes to the park and just, like, watches children? Ordinarily, that throwaway comment would cause me great discomfort, but today, it's just another personality defect to add to a growing list that could probably be used in a class on criminal profiling.
Johnny is many things (a manipulator, a murderer, a creeper), but he's also unashamed to show himself in the most embarrassing light possible, judging by the flashback he had to the time he learned that Hope and Cole perished in his attack on Anthony.
JOHNNY: [Looks dramatically at the newspaper with Hope and Cole on the front page]
JOHNNY: Oh, no. OH, GOD, NO!
JOHNNY: [Collapses against his door]
JOHNNY: No! Not a little child!
JOHNNY: [Rocks back and forth in pure misery and shame]
Oh, and Johnny is also the kind of person who will kill his grandfather (who, remember, he thought of as his father until a few weeks ago!) in a cold, menacing way.
Johnny: You left me no choice.
Anthony: We're family. You're not going to kill your old man.
Johnny: You're not my old man. Goodbye, Grandpa.
I mean, it's not that Anthony didn't deserve to die, but...really? This is how they...REALLY? I mean, what IS this? Is he supposed to be evil? Is he supposed to be suffering through a (very) slow-motion breakdown following the whole Claudia revelation? Or has he always been crazy and is just incredibly skilled at hiding behind a charming facade? I mean....HUH?
Also, Jason is just a WRETCH.
Sam: Are you saying you want to raise this baby together?
JASON: Fuck, no!
Jason: You moved out so fast that we didn't get a chance to talk about anything. Any...alternatives.
Jason: Yeah. A way we could still be together.
Sam: Are you saying you want to put this baby up for adoption?
Jason: I don't know. I'm just saying there are people out there who would love this baby, who wouldn't judge this baby and that's what this baby deserves.
"And I am judging the fuck out of this baby already. Really. It probably has terrible hair and an ugly face. I hate it. And I hate you right now. I hate being in the same room as the uterus carrying the spawn of Satan. It's haunted, Sam. Your uterus is haunted."
"Haunted? You make it sound like there are fun house mirrors in there."
"There probably are. Call it like I see it."