Let's Join Our Hands and Say "This AGAIN?!" In Unison
I don't even want to think about how many minutes--nay, hours I've spent trying to put a fresh new spin on the same sentences. Writing something clever about Kelly Monaco spending the end of, literally, every General Hospital storyline ever tied up and looking miserable was easy back in 2006, when it only had a slight "Been there, done that" vibe and Sonny being held at gunpoint got stale a good few years before that. So when this week's run ended with both of those situations happening AGAIN, I rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and started writing down nonsense sentences like "repeated repeatedly, in a repetitious manner" and planned a few references to Groundhog Day because, yeah: Sam was tied up. And Sonny was held at gunpoint.
BUT! To be fair to the writers, while there is a minor sense of deja vu happening here, these stories aren't total retreads. I mean, yes, Sonny being on the wrong end of a gun is a total rerun of years past, but when you consider that he's so firmly entrenched in a life of crime and is a horrible human being to boot, his being held at gunpoint doesn't happen nearly as often as it could (I would actually be down for a Very Special Episode in which all sorts of Port Charles randoms hold a gun on him and rail at him for being horrible. "All I wanted was a coffee before I went to work and I get stuck behind you for two hours while you try to order a latte. You made me late, you bastard!"). And the circumstances leading to Sam's capture were...well, familiar, sure. A law enforcement agent in this town does something terrible? Imagine that, says nobody, because we don't need to imagine that; we've seen it happen, always. So while the reveal that Ronnie is violent and cah-razy (I say that if he makes it out of this story alive--I know, I know, as if--his attorney could try a defense tactic in which the chemicals in his hair dye are blamed for his descent into mental anguish) was expected, look at the other newfangled things that happened!
Lulu figured out that Ronnie was the mastermind. That's not a typo--LULU actually solved the mystery, not Jason. Then! Cops worked together and SOLVED THE PROBLEM. It was a little bit crazy. Anna contacted McBain and McBain worked with Dante, using clues left by SAM. You guys, women and police officers were portrayed as being capable of thought. On General Hospital. Let's all flail our hands a little bit here, shall we?
(Although, Dante. Really? Really.
McBain: We're going to find him.
McBain: I'd like to help.
Dante: Are you sure you got the time? Last I checked, you were too busy trying to take down my father.
First of all, that's way mature. Secondly, your father SHOT YOU IN THE CHEST. YOU should have been the one to take him down, so let's not whine that somebody else is taking the opportunity to do the right thing).
Speaking of flailing hands, I am just going to say it: I am obsessed with John McBain. Obsessed.
Part of it is the fact that he has an amazing voice that is endlessly fun to imitate (I have made myself hoarse doing my McBain impression to people who do not watch GH and who, therefore, cannot appreciate my genius. But seriously, it is awesome). And part of it is the fact that he says things like this:
Dante: I'm gonna call Jason.
Dante: Well, his pregnant wife has been abducted. I think he deserves to know.
McBain: Hey, it's your dime, Detective, but he ain't a cop. He don't belong there.
Amazing, right? Amazing. He shut down Jason involvement in about half a second! Like I said, obsessed. I mean, granted, I don't know anything about police protocol (all I do know, I learned from Law & Order and Lennie Briscoe never ran into any issues with notifying his friendly neighborhood hitman about crimes involving his loved ones, so I am ignorant here), but that can't be how notifying a spouse works, right? "Hey, so this happened. Why don't you and your weapons stash meet us at the Haunted Star, 'kay?"
Starr, bless her heart, is still clinging to the notion that she can punish Sonny for all of the pain he's caused her. Oh, teenagers can be so endearing with their naivete!
Honey, from one Sonny hate to another: he cannot be killed. He can also not be made to feel guilt or shame, because he doesn't care about other people. So you can rage at him all you want and pull the most painful, contorted faces your cheeks can muster, but just know that he's bionic, probably, for starters and also that he's probably listening to elevator music in his head.
Well, listening to elevator music written about him, because REALLY, with the self-absorption.
Sonny: If you pull that trigger, it's gonna be even more painful for Michael than if he took the bullet himself.
Sigh. Just...sigh. You should have saved yourself hours of painful conversation by shooting him (or attempting to shoot him since, as we established, he can't die) immediately after he opened the door.
I continue to have no idea what the show is going for with Kate and Connie and their epic, ridiculous crazy. Is it supposed to be dramatic? Am I supposed to find it hilarious? Just tell me how to feel! Because then when Connie does something like have a very public, very loud conversation with the voices in her head, I'll just be able to laugh without regret; right now, I am laughing and then immediately stifling it guiltily, because is this supposed to be sad?!
As Ms. Falconeri attempts to escape from Port Charles, she introduced us to two new friends (and reintroduced us to Sad Mirror Kate, who continues to crack me up with the depths of her malaise. But am I supposed to crack up? I don't know!). First, the airport employee who threw protocol (and common sense) out the window as soon as Connie flashed him.
When she explained away her ID snafu with a sob story about how she wants to travel incognito to avoid throngs of adoring fans (she actually said that! That definitely WAS meant to be funny, right?), and he called her Miss Falconeri with the most ridiculous and inside-jokey tone of voice, it made my day.
And the gal in the airport who loves a good trainwreck made my life.
The way she perked up when Connie started railing about something crazy delighted me, as did her gossipy phone call to a friend.
Girl: Girl, you are not gonna believe this. You know Kate Howard, editor of Crimson? She's in the airport and she's having a full-on meltdown. Yeah, screaming and shouting at herself. Oh, I bet she's on drugs.
She is living out one of my greatest dreams! Seeing a celebrity acting all wacky would be amazing, wouldn't it? Unfortunately, I spend a large part of my life oblivious to the world around me, so something completely insane could be going on right in front of me and I'd wind up seeing it on the news later...