Serial Drama

The Okay & the Different

Y'all. Yesterday's The Bold & the Beautiful wasn't about Steffy and Liam and Hope! I mean okay, Hope was on the episode, but not talking about Liam or Steffy and therefore far less irritating! It was incredibly exciting.

That said, the titular "Okay" is in reference to what we got in the Neverending Triangle's place being... okay. I mean if this is the next couple we're getting?

Okay. They're not awful, they're not great. In fact, they're incredibly bland. It speaks volumes about how sick I am of the usual storyline that I found the featuring of such a milquetoast pair to be a huge relief. Thomas can go listing all the wonderful things about Caroline he wants to, but it doesn't make them true. According to him, she is allegedly "smart, beautiful, funny, and sophisticated yet down to earth." Okay, Thomas. To me so far she's pretty (albeit way too skinny, and can she please get out of that awful yellow dress with the weird blue skeleton-enhancing waistband and matching wristband?) and stands up straight and speaks English. I look forward to this "funny," I do!

One thing we have learned about Caroline is that she's into terrible vampire movies. So I take that back, she is kind of funny. We learned this tidbit from her mother Karen:

And I'm excited to see Karen because admittedly I am looking forward to her upcoming storyline and to Crystal Chappell's arrival. Let's hope (a) Joanna Johnson's appearance as Karen yesterday means this is happening soon and (b) it doesn't just end up a story all about Caroline's issues. More grownups, please! (Yeah, I know. Wishful thinking.)

Psst. Starr. SHHH.

Starr, come here. No, closer. A little closer. I have something important to tell you. No, just a little bit --

 

Shhhhhhhhhhhh. SHHHHHHHH. Be quiet.

My lord this girl. I get that she's dealing with unspeakable tragedy and all that, but give us a break, please! People know that death means you'll never see someone again, Starr! Oh and also, Starr, you are not the first person you know to experience something incredibly tragic! In fact, most people you know have experienced something incredibly tragic! Recently, even! It's May now. If memory serves, the accident was in February. Can we ease up on the grief rage? I'm not saying it's unrealistic, I'm just saying it's tedious as hell to watch and try as I might, I've been having a tough time sympathizing with her. And that she's mad at her family now (all except the one family member who encourages her to hold on to her rage and get revenge) because they're trying to get her to continue living and trying to provide comfort to her is... it's not helping. Nothing's helping right now. Silence would help. You know how Patrick's grieving by hotly self-destructing quietly in his home? Try it!

But speaking of the one family member who is encouraging Starr to hold onto her anger and hatred and to go off half-cocked on revenge plans willy-nilly (that's right, I said WILLY NILLY, it's important to be a bad-ass when one is overreacting to a soap opera!), her father was a delight yesterday.

Carly: If you believe the whole split personality, D.I.D. thing --

Todd: Yeah, I do. I know a lot about D.I.D. It runs in my family. [An unfortunate non-hereditary ailment his niece inherited from his sister!  --Ed.] 

Carly: Really.

Todd: Really.

The Dreary & the Annoying

Be careful what you wish for.

There cannot be a single viewer of The Bold & the Beautiful who hasn't wished super-hard for a storyline other than this program-devouring Hope/Liam/Steffy horror show. There really cannot. Tastes vary, so I'm sure someone out there likes the storyline, but those viewers can't possibly think a one-plot daily soap opera is the strongest choice.

However, a subplot in which Caroline is totally freaked out beyond all reason that Rick wears dresses and makeup (which he doesn't, but Amber's set it up to look that way -- marking possibly the first time ever that Amber's instincts about how someone would react to something were bizarrely dead on) is not my idea of the proper fix.

And sure, sure, now they're trying to backtrack a little and say that Caroline isn't so shocked and startled that he likes to dress like a lady (Caroline, a young woman who supposedly grew up in New York freakin' City and has claimed to have literally never seen a man in heels) (as a New York City resident, allow me to assure the writers [some of whom have probably lived here] that, sorry Caroline, it's rare not to see men in heels daily here), but it's more that he kept it from her. But come on. And I'm not suggesting that she should shrug it off and be all, "Marry me tonight, man-in-dress!" (though this is B&B and it's totally within its paradigm for someone super-young to be super-eager to get married as soon as humanly possible for no discernible reason). I'm just suggesting that a man with a little makeup on should really not cause an adult professional woman to be so thrown off that she actually shakes and cries a little and drops an armful of stuff. 

Fortunately, we look to be getting a little movement in this story in that Hope has finally found out what Caroline is so freaked out by, and Rick is hooking up with Amber anyway.

The men on this show are ridiculously easy to seduce.

Mother Knows Best. Or Worst. Or Something.

One of the many things I love about soap operas is the comically low standards the characters and writers have for good parenting. Sonny Corinthos, for example, occasionally says positive things about his children and has only shot one of them, so he's constantly lauded as the greatest parent in all of Port Charles; his ex-wife is probably the runner up, referred to constantly as a great mother because...she seems to like Joss? Which, you know, who wouldn't?! The late and spectacularly unlamented Babe Carey and her equally repellent mother Krystal stole and SOLD children on All My Children and all people could talk about was how these two were the pinnacle of motherhood (the months since AMC's cancellation has not at all lessened my hatred for these two fictional creatures).

But there ARE some good mothers out in soapdom, and in honor of Mother's Day, I'd love to know: who is your FAVORITE soap mom? Biological mothers, adoptive mothers, mother figures, mothers who live entirely offscreen, mothers who are actually terrible but get treated like icons. Let's list away!

The Same and the Samer

Well, I hate to go with just a snarky straight recap again, but until this show moves out of this one never-ending storyline, there's really not much else to say or do. So here we go!

Casa Bridge. Hope wants Steffy to explain why she's awfully smug about Liam. Steffy flashes back to the not-at-all-overdramatic tearing up of the annulment papers. 

Bill is still trying to convince Liam to break up with Hope. Caroline and Katie come in and immediately take off, knowing the menfolk need to have an important discussion. This is no place for ladies!

Credits.

Katie is listening in as Bill continues to pressure Liam to break off the engagement. Bill thinks that Liam kissing Steffy means he doesn't really want Hope. (But does Liam kissing Hope means he doesn't really want Steffy? No, because this is Bill we're talking about.)

Brooke and Ridge wonder what Hope and Steffy are discussing, and Brooke picks on him for being unwilling to design Hope's wedding dress. Brooke doesn't seem to understand why Ridge would be reluctant to do this, despite his daughter being in love with the groom.

Steffy tells Hope that Liam did something in Aspen that made her sure he still loves her (Steffy, that is. I know. It's confusing.).

Commercials. I am endlessly baffled at ad demographics. Why do we get so many ads in New York City for yard items, car-related products, outdoor barbecue fixings and the like? I guess for all the rich New Yorkers with country homes?

Back at Liam's house, Bill is still laying it on thick and Liam (as per usual) does nothing to shut him up. I am reminded of the time Bill was being obnoxious about something and Liam said, "See? This is why I never tell you anything!" and I wondered what planet he was living because on Planet Earth, you see, what Liam does would be considered telling Bill absolutely everything, all the time, always. 

Katie comes out to announce that dinner is ready. I am so ashamed at my lack of appropriately fitting into proper gender roles when I think about how, at my house, this would all be reversed. The ladies would be chatting while the dudes were cooking and then I'd happily take care of dishes and trash afterwards. (Kick me out of the gender, I dare you!)

All these dinners and wine make me hungry. And thirsty.

Hilariously, Caroline and Katie have whipped up this tremendous feast based on what was in Liam's cupboards, which he claimed were virtually empty. So empty that there was fresh French bread, and plenty of fresh veggies for a huge salad. 

Katie toasts to getting to know Caroline and to the upcoming wedding.

A Happy Return and a Good Laugh

I admit I have extremely mixed feelings about Todd Manning on General Hospital. Sure, part of it is that it's bittersweet to see any Llanview residents in Port Charles because it serves as a reminder that One Life to Live is no more. And in many ways it would be easier on my heart just to imagine the characters living on happily with their families. And while I really love Todd Manning as a character (I phrase it that way to emphasize that I find him compelling, not that I think he's a super-swell guy who I'd really root for in real life), my very favorite thing about Todd Manning just happens to be Blair. So it's hard to see him without her -- even broken up they're better in each other's orbits than outside of them. Not to mention one of the coolest things about how they've developed his character over the years is that they resisted the urge to turn a gray-hat former gang rapist into some heartthrob who went from hot relationship to hot relationship. We've only ever seen him with Blair and with Téa (and in both cases, these were not typical romances by any means), and sexual intimacy has always been a careful issue for him. And that is so important to me. If you're going to pull that standard soap trick of turning a rapist into a viable leading man, it's the only way I can stomach it. I absolutely in no way, shape, or form, ever ever want to see Todd bounced from leading lady to leading lady and put through the usual battalion of chem-tests. I will lose my lunch. 

And, since I've launched into this dissertation, another thing that worried me was that we already have Sonny, a bad boy who gets away with tons of stuff but who genuinely loves his family and sometimes his woman and always has a gaggle of people making excuses for him, and do we really need another? And yes, I find Todd a million times more compelling because of his self-loathing and his constant battles with himself, but still. Might it be too much? 

So I was nervous. Very nervous. And today I was reminded why there's so much more that differentiates him from Sonny and the number one characteristic? Humor. Sonny is rarely written to have much of a sense of humor and, in fact, is quite frequently such a depressing wet blanket. The trademark Todd Manning humor was a breath of fresh air for me today.

So for now, I am cautiously optimistic and very glad to see him. For now. And he apparently is free of all charges due to PTSD which, ha, but it would be a pretty easy case to argue considering what he'd been put through for eight years (although I loved that his original version was that they acquitted him because his mother didn't love him!).

Also, I love how people (especially Sonny) on this show routinely point guns at people and threaten to kill them and then either change their minds or are somehow thwarted and it's either witnessed by or admitted to the police and nobody ever gets arrested for attempted murder, ever. Because attempted murder is not really a crime in Port Charles. And now Starr's locked up for it. I can't say I hate Michael for it, though, because it stops the cycle. I know he did it for childish reasons, but honestly if he'd ever been held accountable for flirting with crime early on, he might not have gone in the direction he did. (Of course here I am applying psychological growth principles to GH, when we know full well Starr won't "learn" from this because... well, soaps!)

The Heart of The Matter

Even though I like to consider myself an understanding person, which is a self-assessment that just caused everyone who knows even the slightest bit about me to burst into peals of scornful laughter, I see where Sonny is coming from here. I know, I can't believe that I typed that either, but really: if my significant other did something outrageously hurtful (like cheat on me) or unspeakably offensive (like occasionally adopting a Rosie Perez accent and spackling cosmetics on by the truckload) and then explained it away as being the actions of a split personality, I wouldn't know what to make of it. I like to think that unwavering support would be one of my reactions somewhere along the line, but it would probably follow reactions like Shouting "What does this look like, a freaking soap opera?!" and staring, wordlessly, in confusion and texting my friends "Can you believe this lame-ass excuse?!"

So I'm not quibbling with Sonny's reluctance to believe that there is a Connie, or even some of his anger.

What I am quibbling with is what a freaking child he is, always and forever.

Sonny: You went and banged my enemy! On my birthday, no less.

He doesn't have many linguistic skills, but his knack for filling a single sentence with that much self-absorption and grossness is pretty impressive.

Let's Join Our Hands and Say "This AGAIN?!" In Unison

I don't even want to think about how many minutes--nay, hours I've spent trying to put a fresh new spin on the same sentences. Writing something clever about Kelly Monaco spending the end of, literally, every General Hospital storyline ever tied up and looking miserable was easy back in 2006, when it only had a slight "Been there, done that" vibe and Sonny being held at gunpoint got stale a good few years before that. So when this week's run ended with both of those situations happening AGAIN, I rolled my eyes, gritted my teeth and started writing down nonsense sentences like "repeated repeatedly, in a repetitious manner" and planned a few references to Groundhog Day because, yeah: Sam was tied up. And Sonny was held at gunpoint.

BUT! To be fair to the writers, while there is a minor sense of deja vu happening here, these stories aren't total retreads. I mean, yes, Sonny being on the wrong end of a gun is a total rerun of years past, but when you consider that he's so firmly entrenched in a life of crime and is a horrible human being to boot, his being held at gunpoint doesn't happen nearly as often as it could (I would actually be down for a Very Special Episode in which all sorts of Port Charles randoms hold a gun on him and rail at him for being horrible. "All I wanted was a coffee before I went to work and I get stuck behind you for two hours while you try to order a latte. You made me late, you bastard!"). And the circumstances leading to Sam's capture were...well, familiar, sure. A law enforcement agent in this town does something terrible? Imagine that, says nobody, because we don't need to imagine that; we've seen it happen, always. So while the reveal that Ronnie is violent and cah-razy (I say that if he makes it out of this story alive--I know, I know, as if--his attorney could try a defense tactic in which the chemicals in his hair dye are blamed for his descent into mental anguish) was expected, look at the other newfangled things that happened!

The Old and the Dutiful

Well, Steffy has finally signed the annulment papers. Hallelujah, this storyline is finally over! 

Just kidding. We should be so lucky. 

Considering this...

...was Liam's response to the news, I imagine this is far from over. Years from over, as if we've all committed some terrible, terrible crime against humanity and this is our punishment.

I'm going to have quite the headache if Liam fights Steffy on this. He's constantly impressed by her big turned-into-a-magnanimous-low-maintenance-saint-overnight turnaround lately, and I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he just loves having both of these women on the hook. (Not that I don't welcome this change in Steffy. While I don't think Jacqueline MacInnes Wood is exactly the next Meryl Streep by any means, she's got presence and charisma and is a hell of a sport with some of the embarrassing material they give her ["Cha cha cha!"], so seeing Steffy evolve into a spitfire with ethics who doesn't get all scheme-y and pathetic over a loser like Liam would be a welcome change. I am not, however, holding my breath.)

Do You Want the Good News or the Bad News First?

I'm practicing my "doctor breaking the news" speech because there's a new opening at General Hospital in Port Charles, New York. I hear it's a tough town and tends to be overrun by the mob, but I actually hear the particular mob that's generally winning the various mob wars is made up of saintly hitmen and mob bosses who really, really love their children. So it can't be all bad, right? 

Wrong.

So let's start with the bad news, shall we?

• Starr is back. She is looking for Sonny, the man who killed her family, "unless he dint." As she put it. Is that mean? I'm feeling mean. Anyway, she took Johnny's gun, so is of course off to do something really smart and fun.

• Jason is still an ass. Getting excellent advice from both Elizabeth and Sonny to actually try to be patient and listen to Sam and show her some compassion in the wake of her trauma, well... it didn't stick. He walked into his house and started yelling at his wife within seconds. And it's still about her talking to John McBain, just after he has reported Sam's personal business to two other people. After telling Sam that talking won't help anything. When she pointed out this double standard to him (after learning that he told Liz everything), he was unmoved. And then when she broke my heart, telling him it seems as though he can't even look at her...

"It's like I'm tainted!"

Hint to Jason: when your recently-raped wife tells you that you can't look at her and it makes her feel tainted, look at her. Immediately. (Spoiler: Jason did not take the hint.) Anyway, she's going to move out to give him some time to decide whether he's going to leave his wife over this. I hope he chokes on that time. She says she's trying to do what's best for her child and, hint to Sam: not raising your child with a hitman is a good start.

• In general, the usual dull things are happening, like cops trying to bust Sonny (Gasp! Will John McBain imprison Sonny for real? It's so hard to tell!) and Starr's after Sonny for revenge (Gasp! Will Starr kill Sonny? It's so hard to tell!). I have this little fantasy: since we know Sonny won't get killed or imprisoned, can someone opposing Sonny come up with a different plan? I'd love to see someone work to take away his power -- not a stronger mobster, but somebody smarter and with a moral or two. That way there could be some curiosity about the outcome. A powerless and penniless Sonny could actually be an interesting story. But this stuff? Old hat, we don't need it. But we're sure getting it.

The good news?

• We got a flashback to Sonny's shiny suit.

I'm already sick to death of the constant flashbacks to things that just happened (a Valentini/Carlivati habit I never did appreciate), but when they are to super-awesome things like destroyed cakes or funny shiny suits on angry men, I can live with it.