Serial Drama

The Finally & the Probably Not

So it happened. Color me surprised. Liam and Hope actually got married.

They really did it. And they did so in front of five hundred of....

 

Well, five hundred random complete strangers. (Romantic, right?) And naturally all of this happened while Steffy looked on. You know, from the side of a cliff. You know, like you do.

 Naturally, they couldn't resist. And so Steffy fell into the water.

This was, of course, after they'd already had seagulls poop in Steffy's hair and then played wacky music. You know, to show us what a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day she was having. Or more likely... 

More likely the whole thing was an excuse to get Jacqueline MacInnes Wood soaking wet and have her crawling out of the water in a skimpy outfit. (And the girl is smokin' hot, for serious, but really? I'm pretty sure straight dudes make up about 0.00001% of the B&B viewing audience.)

Anyway, Bill continued his miraculous turnaround and told Hope he'll love her as a daughter, the point of which I suppose is to up the ante when his shenanigans regarding Deacon are eventually revealed. But honestly, in show time it's been about an hour and a half since he was last twirling his mustache and plotting her demise. Come on now!

In Which I Am The "Get A Grip!" Friend

Granted, he has no real personality to speak of and even in episodes that see him appearing in several segments, I find myself staring at my television quizically and going "What's his name again?" before my internal monologue makes the leap from Ewen to Ewan to McGregor, to the filmography of Ewan McGregor and how adorable was Beginners, and so on and so forth, but what I'm trying to say is that even though Dr. Ewen Keenan brings new meaning to the word DULL, I still found myself protective of him today and I was filled with overwhelming sadness at Elizabeth declining a date with him because she's re-obsessed with Jason. "LIZ! Don't DO that!" I might have snapped at my television if I were crazy. "Ewen is Australian."

Oh, sure, she had her "reasons" but COME. ON.

Ewen: Hard to have a bad morning after we had such a nice time last night.
Elizabeth, with the fakest of fake smiles plastered on her face: You took the words right out of my mouth.
Ewen: Since you went to all the trouble of making me dinner, I'd like to return the favor. How about my place tonight?
Elizabeth, mentally imagining towels with an E.M. monogram: I don't think I'd be able to find a babysitter on such short notice.
Ewen: Another time, then?
Elizabeth, lying. So much lying!: Sure!

The babysitter excuse, Liz? Seriously? Let's not pretend you're the mother of some average children that babysitters wouldn't be flocking to. We're talking about Cam and Aiden. There's probably a cutthroat babysitting bidding war happening.

And ALSO--make sure to write this down because I think it's pretty good advice in general, even if it doesn't seem easily applicable to your own life right now--if there is ever a reason for you to choose between a guy and another guy who kills people for a living, choose the one who doesn't kill people for a living.  Even if he's boring or a terrible doctor or was introduced during that horrendous Cassandra story. If even I'm not holding that against him, and I hold everything against everyone, I think it's time for you to move on too.

The 2012 Daytime Emmys Live-Blogging Extravaganza

The biggest night in daytime television is here and I'm not quite sure how to feel about it. I feel dread, obviously, because I've been doing this long enough to know that the following two hours will be filled with random winners, celebrities of yesteryear and song and dance numbers so oddly staged and weirdly placed that we'll all feel like a fever dream. But I also feel excitement (I actually cheerfully answered a "Any weekend plans?" question with "The Daytime Emmys are on tomorrow night!" I...don't think that person will be talking to me anymore) because it could be fabulous. Or at least fabulously bad. Probably fabulously bad. But at any rate, it's here and I am here to liveblog it with you (Louise is off doing something fabulous and sends her regrets. I even think she was genuine when she said she's sorry she's missing it!).

8:00: And we're off! At the site of a murder-suicide, which I hope is not an omen of things to come. We open on the highest of high notes with the ever-charming Anderson Cooper and the iconic, amazing, perfect Oscar the Grouch (the Muppets are flaw-free and I will hear no arguments on the contrary). Anderson is excited to honor the best that daytime has to offer, which upsets Oscar, who is only there because Elmo had a prior engagement. Here's the first song of the night and while I'd normally be huffing and puffing, it's OSCAR THE GROUCH. Oscar asks Anderson to tell him anything good that's ever happened on Daytime; examples include Luke and Laura's wedding and Tom Cruise's couch jump o'crazy.

8:03: Really, though, Anderson Cooper is too adorable for words. He introduces the lads up for Outstanding Younger Actor who are here to hand out the Emmy for Lead Actor. They do the annoying thing where they all take turns talking about the perils of being a lead actor. I have to say that Nathan Parsons has never annoyed me less than he did just now.

8:06: And the first Emmy of the night goes to Anthony Geary. Sigh. Darnell Williams was ROBBED. ROBBED.

8:07: It takes him forever and a day to make it to the stage. The GH cast gives a standing ovation and the rest of the audience seems to be completely over it. He gives a really long speech that I didn't entirely pay attention to (I'm sorry! I am already falling down on the live-blogging job), but I did hear the shout outs to Bob Guza and Jill Farren Phelps and I gagged a little bit. Or a lot. But he ends with a really nice thank you to Jonathan Jackson, Julie Marie Berman, Nathan Parsons and Jane Elliott, which was sweet because three of them are stellar and deserving of all of the awards themselves.

8:12: The cast of The Talk is here, all dressed in black except for the personality-free Julie Chen who is in a sparkly green sack. Do you think they hate her for being married to the network boss? I would. I guess I do, kind of. They do some shtick about how similar their show is to The View that gets a lot of laughs from a very easy audience and present the award for Outstanding Game Show Host. As soon as Ben Bailey is even mentioned as a nominee, the crowd goes crazy. What are they drinking? Todd Newton, host of something called Family Game Night on something else called The Hub. I am learning all of these new channels tonight. I feel so sheltered. He is very appreciative and thanks the great television hosts who came before him.

Special Programming Note: The Daytime Emmys Are Here!

It's that time of year again--that special night in June where we sit, transfixed, by a televised awards ceremony that is ostensibly meant to spotlight the best in the world of daytime but instead serves as both a thinly veiled advertisement for a tourist trap and as an ode to the random. Yes, the Daytime Emmy Awards are tonight and I will be here, watching and live-blogging and, I'm sure, rolling my eyes.

Join me here tonight, at 8 PM, to watch the ceremony LIVE on HLN, which is a channel (I kept reading it as HSN when it was announced that the show would be televised and I could not for the life of me figure out why a Home Shopping Network would air an awards show and wouldn't that make the home shoppers mad?). We'll talk about Ronn Moss's formal scarves, the deserving people who were utterly robbed, the (fingers crossed) deserving people who did manage to catch lightning in a bottle and walk away with an award and the bizarre musical numbers that will make up the bulk of the evening. I know when I write it out like that it doesn't seem fun, but it could be! Maybe! This is why I am not in advertising.

Heat Stroke or Hate Stroke?

I can see why you'd assume that my default mood is irritable, since so many of my blog posts are soaked with irritation and eye-rolling, but I tend to be a very calm, even pleasant, person. Until it gets hot; then, all bets are off. My patience dwindles as my hair expands and I find myself grouchy to the point of hysteria at the slightest bother. My phone autocorrected "Dunkin" to something asinine and I practically wailed. I never felt more of a kinship to Sonny than I do in a heat wave.

Needless to say, the following bit made me actual cry from frustration.

Jason: You know, I wanted to help, and -- and I thought, for a second, that she might let me. But she can't get past what happened.

OHMIGOD, DID YOU NOT JUST LET OUT A STRING OF EXPLETIVES THAT MELDED INTO ONE UNINTELLIGIBLE, YET ODDLY EFFECTIVE SOUND?

My brain would not let me process the rest of the episode*. I saw some (hilarious) shenanigans with Heather and Luke, who delight me, and some excellent police work with Padilla and Anna, which is SO weird to say, sarcasm-free, but I remember absolutely none of it, mostly because I spent the entirety of their scenes saying, out loud because I am crazy, "She can't get past this horrible, life-altering tragedy?! The one that happened THIS MONTH?! FLARRRRR*."

*Also, I fell asleep a few minutes after that.

**"Flarrrr" is the best approximation of the sound I made, although not a perfect one.

The Slow and the Delaying

So after weeks and weeks of evil music and Bill alluding mysteriously to his big mustache-twirling plan to thwart Hope and Liam's wedding once and for all, after he got Alison involved and Justin involved and blackmailed a prison warden in Wisconsin to secretly release Deacon years before the end of his sentence, we finally got a little taste. A little chance to see part of his plan play out. Wait till you see how dastardly and brilliant it was!

He sent away Hope's ride to the church! HAS THERE EVER BEEN A MORE EVIL GENIUS?! Poor Hope! What can she do now? She's stranded! At a fully-staffed luxury hotel for millionaires! Her goose is cooked now, folks! Done and done.

Okay, I am seriously assuming there's more to come and this wasn't the end of the plan since, you know, he could have done that without having to get a dude released from prison, but whatevs. Just get to it, people.

The Sniffly & the Damn Fine Soap

Sure, it's lazy to combine posts for The Bold & the Beautiful and General Hospital, and half pointless anyway because I'm not sure there's all that many folks who are viewers of both. But they were both so lovely and moving today that it only seemed fair to combine the praise. Look, it doesn't happen often, so let's make it a special occasion.

But because this is Serial Drama and because I am who I am, let's get a few things out of the way first.

Don't show us flashbacks of Steffy's wedding look if you want us to be sympathetic to her.

She just looks so threatening in that ensemble, advancing toward him. Let's just leave it in the past!

And I want to preface this next one by explaining that I AM NOT COMPLAINING ABOUT THIS:

In fact, I welcome this. What I do not care for is how utterly un-Todd it is for him to be all, "Oh, let me pose and show off my half-naked hot bod." That's not Todd, that's never been Todd. That's some traditional soap hunk who we never watched graphically gang-rape a gagged and restrained woman. There are about a million ways to show off what Roger Howarth's got under there, but it does not make sense to include "because he knows he's ripped" as one of them. Todd has been an acceptable anti-hero because he is the opposite of that. Don't let him act like a damn Ford! Let him be Todd and, I mean come on, we know Carlivati and Valentini can come up with other reasons to show the candy. 

Now about the priest who's slated to preside over Liam and Hope's "wedding" (I have to put that in quotes because I'm assuming it won't actually go through and they'll just have Ridge and Brooke get married instead) (Unspoiled here, just a suspicion!)...

I just worry for him, will he get out of whatever drama unfolds in time to make his nighttime gig as a Chippendales dancer?

Also, I say NO:

First of all, Anna woke up and Luke was literally just sitting there, in a bathrobe. Watching her sleep. And had apparently laid out her bra really nicely for her on the bed. That's not sweet, it's creepy. Second of all, I adore the idea of the over-fifty crowd getting a love triangle BUT IT SHOULD NOT INVOLVE ANNA AND LUKE. Nope, not those two. I just can't do it. I can't watch Tracy get humiliated (and lash out) over and over, and I can't watch Luke and Anna all smoochy. They are great in scenes togther as friends. Full stop. Beyond that? Heebie-jeebies. I just cannot get on board.

Now let's get to the good stuff.

Sucks So Good: True Blood 5.2, "Authority Always Wins"

Thank you, True Blood, for basically condemning me to a week of singing "Authority Song" under my breath in any and all situations, including those in which it is totally socially inappropriate. It may not leave my head ever. I am legitimately worried right now.

After the jump, a look at the latest episode of True Blood, including a now-redacted ode to the campy glory of Christopher Meloni that went through his filmography in vivid detail (Wet Hot American Summer, you guys!) and had lots of exclamation points and "I cannot WAIT"'s in it, which I erased because it was barely in English and if one looks at it in conjunction with similar odes to Alexander Skarsgard and Denis O'Hare, it paints what would be a very disturbing picture in the eyes of an FBI profiler.

I Am Collapsing Under The Weight of All These Secrets

Remember when the most painful secret Kate Howard was keeping was her secret past as a Brooklyn Italian?

I miss those days. I miss the days when the only things that ruffled Kate's feathers were being called Connie and getting shot because of her involvement with Sonny.

The tragic upon tragic backstory that's recently been re--revealed, I guess, although "rewritten, totally" is probably equally, if not more, apt, is causing me immense discomfort, thanks to Kelly Sullivan's complete and utter commitment to this devastating story. It would be so much easier for me, emotionally, if she could just put in the minimum amount of effort, because then I'd be able to just roll my eyes and say "Well, THIS isn't worth watching" and I could go along my merry way, fast-forwarding and pausing when Sonny is in the middle of saying something (terrible) and has a hilarious look on his face. But, no. She has to be all compelling and it's hard for me to miss it, even when the story is basically a nesting doll of horrible things happening to Kate, and each doll within a doll has an even sillier Brooklyn accent.

The Handsome & the Mistaken

The Italian scenery footage is almost enough to briefly lull you into think The Bold & the Beautiful is this super-classy show that hasn't been telling the same exact story every day for almost a year now, and on which people aren't bizarrely obsessed with giant olives.

And then they give us a hint that maybe they know what we, the audience, are going through by giving Steffy lines like, "I just can't stand another moment of the Hope and Liam Show." (Neither can we, Steffy, neither can we! Only... add one more name to that show title and you'll get the picture.)

And then they tease us with Deacon, a complicated character played by an actor who can actually play layers and simultaneously be ridiculously handsome in a dangerous sort of way. 

(Can someone explain to me how the folks in charge saw these scenes and didn't think, "Oh yeah, yeah, we need to be keeping this guy around long term, he's bringing some much needed spark to the canvas."????)