Serial Drama

The Pretty & the Olive

Well, we certainly know there will be pretty things to look at over the next few episodes of The Bold & the Beautiful.

Oooh, pretty architecture! 

Pretty views! 

Pretty buildings! 

Pretty villas! 

Pretty Deacon!

And I'm certainly envious of the actors and crew for getting to go on this little adventure. (We've only seen Sean Kanan [Deacon] in interior shots so far, but I'm assuming he'll be in some of the on-location scenes, so not a half-bad deal for him -- even though his return stint was far too brief, he got to do part of it in Italy!) (I'd say the same thing about the actress who plays Alison -- if she did in fact go on location -- but then I remembered that chick is some sort of Greek princess, so she's probably all set in the access-to-exotic-travels department.)

What Show Am I Watching? My Equilibrium Is Totally Off Kilter Now!

It's not that there was never truth telling in Port Charles; there always has been a small but determined chorus of residents willing to say things like "Sonny is a plague on our society", or "Killing people for profit is wrong" or "For the love OF, Spinelli, can you speak an actual human language for five minutes in a row?".

The problem is that these residents were usually supervillains mere moments away from their inevitable deaths, or the show's designated square characters, and either way, their perfectly reasonable assessments were meant to be scoffed at and ignored. "Oh, a killer who kills out of hatred, not monetary gain, feels like that?! Then I sure can't!" "A hot, charming financier with an amazing accent doesn't like Sonny? I'd die before I got lumped in with a loser like that!"

But Sam's utter devastation and profound grief has led her to be the most honest person in all of Port Charles, cutting down Jason and anyone defending Jason bluntly and unemotionally. Which on its own is strange enough, because that's happened between once and never. And, most shockingly of all, I think we are supposed to believe what Sam is saying wholeheartedly and perhaps, if you are the overly excited and overly invested kind of soap fan, cheer out loud and make encouraging faces at your television screen.

I'm Committed To Enjoying This While It (Briefly) Lasts

Because I know how this show works, I fully understand that for some reason the fact that Jason was telling Sam the truth today about having gone to the hotel to tell her he was sorry, the fact that he did try to call off (by voicemail) the beating of McBain, the fact that the baby isn't really dead, and the fact that Jason is actually the biological father -- well, all of these facts added up are obviously meant to somehow absolve Jason of his total and utter dickishness at some point in the future (not that it follows logically, but we've all been watching long enough to know Jason's never held responsible for anything for long, since he is the Saint of Port Charles and All Mob Enforcers). But for now? Can I please just savor Jason being told off? Can I please savor Jason getting looks like these from his wife?

I mean, sure, people should be looking at him like that every day. And those looks should be accompanied by dialogue like, "Wait a minute, you're a hit man? But this whole town looks to you for moral guidance?" "Hang on, you're a mob enforcer who is routinely called in by the local police force to rescue people and solve crimes?" "Just a second, you chose the mob-enforcing job over your first child, but everyone still treats you like the local child-whisperer?" "Hold up, your wife got raped and made the brave choice to raise her rapist's biological child and you decided to handle it by being a dick about some dude who was offering her more emotional support than you were, since you were offering none?" "Whoa, whoa, whoa, explain to me how you became a hit man because you had some sort of brain damage that took your emotions away, so you were able to injure and off human beings without feeling anything, and yet you frequently weep alone over a box?!"

But I digress. He still got a deeply, deeply appropriate guilt trip today. And I'm sure by the end of summer she'll be apologizing to him and praising him for all his wondrousness, but I'm damn sure going to love this while it lasts!

And when Sam confronted Jason about having had McBain beaten up, he totally just waved it off.

Jason: Sam, I wanted him out of the way! He was just going to be a problem. [Ah, Jason, this kind of thinking makes you such a stellar candidate for fatherhood. --Ed.]

Sam: No, Jason, John was not the problem, he was never the problem! It was you! You couldn't love my baby, and instead of admitting it you had those men beat him up, to punish him for helping me! 

Jason: I tried to call it off, it was too late! [Oh. Well then. No biggie. Bygones! I mean come on, you left a voice mail! --Ed.]

Sam: Too late for what, Jason? It was too late for John. And it was too late for my baby.

Sucks So Good: True Blood 5.1, "Turn! Turn! Turn!"

Nearly a year ago (NEARLY A YEAR! HBO, you are the cruelest group of people to ever produce television), I finished the season finale of True Blood flailing my hands, shrieking and generally acting like I was high. Which I was, on awesomeness.

After a hiatus spent wondering "How the hell are they going to resolve [INSERT RECAP OF INSANE SHENANIGAN THAT DEFIES REASON AND LOGIC AND CAN ONLY BE DISCUSSED IN ALL CAPS AND JAZZ HANDS HERE]?!?!?" and "But what happened offscreen to [INSERT ANOTHER RECAP OF A TOTALLY DIFFERENT SHENANIGAN WITH A LONG-LOST AND HILARIOUS CHARACTER]?!?!" and "How is it fair that Alexander Skarsgard was filming a movie 20 minutes away from me and I had no idea?! What crime did I commit that deserves such a horrible punishment?!", our show is finally back and Sunday nights are about to get a whole lot campier. Sometimes you need the ridiculous to ease you into a new work week.

So was "Turn! Turn! Turn!" the kind of crazy we all needed? Find out after the jump (and if you're not caught up on last season, get caught up because, you know...it made me high)!

The Wise & the Lack of Self-Awareness

Wow. Yesterday's episode of The Bold & the Beautiful gave us several scenes of people actually acting like grown-ups and showing each other some decency and empathy.

Brooke and Steffy had a nice, rational conversation in which Brooke extended her sympathies to Steffy for the end of her marriage, and was openly impressed when she learned that Steffy was the one who actually stood up and ended things with Liam. And Steffy listened graciously and you could actually believe that these two people were once de facto mother and daughter.

Will wonders never cease?

And then Hope and Steffy had a restrained but respectful conversation in which they spoke to each other with kindness and even reflected on the fact that, in many ways, they really are sisters. 

Hope: It was supportive, and it was nurturing, and it was fun.Steffy, we used to laugh all the time and we had each other's backs!

Is there a donkey outside my 30th floor window?

And Hope even went to Bill try to bury the hatchet with him, but then of course that devolved quickly since Bill rejected her completely and said a bunch of Crazytown stuff, which was ironic since the point he was trying to make is that Hope is mentally unstable. Pot! Kettle! I'd like to make an introduction! Which Hope bizarrely responded to with some nonsense about how she'd hoped Bill could be a father figure in her life. Good god, woman. I guess she is a little crazy. 

SPOILER, Alexis: It Gets So, So Much Worse

Let's be honest: how many of you made a fist pump of triumph when Alexis ran into Jason and gave him the most minimal amount of her attention, during which she had some harsh and simultaneously not-harsh-enough words about how he is, if I can sum things up quickly, a wretched person? I have no secrets from you dear friends, so I feel not even a little ashamed to say that I totally did.

Alexis: She's doing as well as can be expected. I'm looking for Dr Lee.
Jason: I haven't seen her.
Alexis: Well, Sam has a lot of questions. I think I'm going to have her paged.
Jason: I'm sorry about the baby.
Alexis: Are you?
Jason: I'm sorry Sam lost her son.
Alexis: Her son, not yours? Sam made it clear that you weren't going to accept Franco's baby. I wonder if maybe you had shown just a tad more generosity, just a little more compassion, she would have been with you last night and not in a lousy hotel giving birth in the middle of a storm. And that I would have my grandson right now.

Jason responded the way Jason always does, with a blank stare that I think was shooting for "profound inner pain" and instead hitting "I am making a tremendous effort not to let even the slightest whiff of guilt hit my face, because if you are this upset about run of the mill abandonment, how will you react to the news that not only was she giving birth in the middle of a storm at a dingy motel, but she was stranded there alone because I had her new friend beaten to a bloody pulp since I'm a territory-marking, violent asshole?"

I am eagerly--EAGERLY--anticipating the scenes in which the Davis clan learns that particular part of the story. Hopefully, they will all get a chance to hurt him with either their words or their nails; Molly, in particular, seems like she'd be adept with both. But with my luck, it will all take place offscreen but for the tearful scenes of the women eventually apologizing to Jason. So I should really take this Alexis greatness while I can get it, right?

Maxie Read a WHOLE BOOK, Y'all!

No really, Matt should be endlessly impressed with her because, as he explained, she read an entire legal textbook. At least up until the point where she learned about marital privilege.

Oh yeah, let's not forget that she WENT TO PRISON FOR MATT. I mean, sure, the case was closed and a dead woman was down as the killer and Matt was at no risk of being charged or imprisoned. But Maxie went and got the case re-opened and ultimately was responsible with his name being associated with it... FOR HIM. She's a freakin' saint, y'all. (Oh and that fun bit where in order to "protect" Matt, she made a deal with a mobster and got an innocent woman killed. I'm going to start calling her Maxie Gandhi.)

Upside? She's still in low-key prison makeup!

Yay! Jen Lilley looks so much prettier this way than in the pre-prison three-inch-thick situation.

You know, like someone else we know:

(And I can't even get into those scenes because I just can't with Starr these days. In any way.)

 Alas, Matt flashed back and miraculously remembered killing Lisa.

Which makes me sad because I loved Drunk "We're on a BOAT!" Matt. He was my very favorite Matt. And apparently he now recalls that killing Lisa was not in self-defense. Which MartyrMaxie knew all along. No mention of the probability that he killed her in defense of others. She was a fugitive trying to kill people on that boat but, no, apparently drunkenness just causes some perfectly nice people to randomly go around murdering for fun. Gosh I love this storyline.

The Lame & the Copout

Well, there it was. The big "good-bye."

And it's all over! The triangle is done! No more Liam and Steffy, and now we will move on to other storylines.

Just kidding! Nobody at B&B thinks the audience believes that, do they?

Look, I want to say nice things. I want to say, "Oh, how cool was it of B&B to show that a divorcing couple will always care about each other and let them actually take some time to reflect on and honor their marriage before saying goodbye!"

And I'd say that. If that's what they were doing.

And BOOM Goes the... Oh, This Again.

Oh Todd, you big dumb lug. Every time you are given the chance to make a choice, you make the wrong one. 

First of all, I love this adorable alien-baby they've got playing Sam's son.

And I have no idea what's coming (and for the love of god, don't tell me about spoilers in the comments please!), but this is a highly recognizable little fellow. A lot of babies look alike, sure, but I don't think Sam could very easily be convinced that another kid is this kid. (Of course, maybe she won't want to look? And maybe Téa won't notice that her son hasn't got a trace of Latino in him?)

Now, adorable as this little baby "actor" was, it was kind of hilarious how jarring it was when they would switch back and forth between the real baby and the prop baby.

Less hilarious and totally utterly morbid and something they should have fixed?

Fake prop baby? "Dead baby?" (I put that in quotes because this is a soap and there's always a way this baby can still be alive and PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let it still be alive for crap's sake because this is like the fortieth dead kid on ABC soaps in the past 14 months.) Uh, tuck the freaking leg in. That is some morbid shit. Nobody wants to see that. We know it's just a prop, but good lord. Please be soapy and not outright macabre, thanks. It reminds me of the prop baby on OLTL when Tess had Chloe and Bess drove the baby to the hospital and they just kept showing little parts of the prop dead baby's head. KEEP IT IN THE DAMN BLANKET, PEOPLE. We WANT to suspend our disbelief here! Come on now.

Also, who stands there and exposits for a half hour while they're holding a dead baby? Come on now.

What To Expect When You're Expecting in Port Charles

If I were pregnant in Port Charles, I would...I would be seriously upset, because odds are that Sonny would be the father of my child, even if we had never slept together, because the only real skill he seems to have is fathering children. Anyway, if I were pregnant in Port Charles, I'd go on bedrest almost immediately because everything on the planet is a danger for pregnant women in this town. Stairs? DEADLY. Inclement weather? KILLER. Dr. Lee? DANGEROUSLY INCOMPETENT.

Any reasonable woman knows this and, during a huge rainstorm, would simply call 911 at the first sight of drizzle and request to be taken to General Hospital just in case. Tea, clearly, doesn't know any better because she's just a visitor (and based on the sounds she makes, might not even be human at all. What were those noises? How can a person's vocal cords do that? I was mystified), but Sam? Sam should know! Sam should have parked herself in the GH waiting room in, like, January and refused to leave. Actually, scratch that--she should have parked herself in the Mercy Hospital waiting room and refused to leave, because then at least she wouldn't be grappling with Kelly. Fools, fools, fools!

Because of this foolishness, Tea and Sam found themselves giving birth in the most dangerous and unsanitary ways possible, each aided by a man noticeably lacking any sort of medical training, while a vengeful and ever-nutty. Heather Webber meanders around town accompanied by a corpse and dressed like she's living out her own version of I Know What You Did Last Summer. And they will soon find themselves in the midst of that soap staple: the baby switch story. I mean, right? We have a(-nother) dead/dying baby and a live baby whose mother is being targeted by a vengeful crazy. CLEARLY, we are in for some shenanigans and a whole lot of sadness on the part of Sam McCall.