What To Expect When You're Expecting in Port Charles
If I were pregnant in Port Charles, I would...I would be seriously upset, because odds are that Sonny would be the father of my child, even if we had never slept together, because the only real skill he seems to have is fathering children. Anyway, if I were pregnant in Port Charles, I'd go on bedrest almost immediately because everything on the planet is a danger for pregnant women in this town. Stairs? DEADLY. Inclement weather? KILLER. Dr. Lee? DANGEROUSLY INCOMPETENT.
Any reasonable woman knows this and, during a huge rainstorm, would simply call 911 at the first sight of drizzle and request to be taken to General Hospital just in case. Tea, clearly, doesn't know any better because she's just a visitor (and based on the sounds she makes, might not even be human at all. What were those noises? How can a person's vocal cords do that? I was mystified), but Sam? Sam should know! Sam should have parked herself in the GH waiting room in, like, January and refused to leave. Actually, scratch that--she should have parked herself in the Mercy Hospital waiting room and refused to leave, because then at least she wouldn't be grappling with Kelly. Fools, fools, fools!
Because of this foolishness, Tea and Sam found themselves giving birth in the most dangerous and unsanitary ways possible, each aided by a man noticeably lacking any sort of medical training, while a vengeful and ever-nutty. Heather Webber meanders around town accompanied by a corpse and dressed like she's living out her own version of I Know What You Did Last Summer. And they will soon find themselves in the midst of that soap staple: the baby switch story. I mean, right? We have a(-nother) dead/dying baby and a live baby whose mother is being targeted by a vengeful crazy. CLEARLY, we are in for some shenanigans and a whole lot of sadness on the part of Sam McCall.
So, let's rewind and discuss two very different types of ridiculous labor filled with contrivances galore.
Todd found Tea collapsed in a parking garage, in the midst of the storm, which is unsurprising because, you know, Port Charles, etc. When she comes to, the sparring begins and I have to say that as someone who only knows the most basic Cliff's Notes version of their past, I enjoyed it immensely.
Todd: You can't drive in that condition. Look at you -- you're about ready to pop.
Téa: God, I hate that expression.
Todd: You know what? Sit in the back seat, and we can discuss new ways to say it. Delgado, hate me all you like, but hate me from the backseat.
Téa: You drive carefully or I will kill you.
Todd: Okay. Watch your head. You're all right. [Muttering] "Thank you, Todd, for picking me up off the floor of the parking garage and holding the door for me."
Roger Howarth is hilarious.
Then, of course, Tea went into labor. During a storm, which completely knocked down cell phone towers and made roads treacherous, with only a nemesis to help deliver her child who, in true soap fashion, came in record-setting time. There were only a few minutes of Tea screeching and howling and bantering with Todd before her son was born.
Todd: Delgado, listen. You're in an economy-class rental car. I wouldn't change my shoes in here, much less have a baby.
Todd: I wish I could go back in time and change that. If I could, I would. But I can't. But I can help you move forward.
Téa: You call this moving forward, huh?! I'm at a bus stop!
Todd: Okay. Maybe the bus will come. Maybe there'll be a gynecologist on the bus.
I am trying to hold onto the humor while I can, because things got incredibly depressing incredibly quickly when Todd realized that the baby wasn't breathing properly. And when he went to look for a car to get the baby to the hospital, he found Anthony Zacchara. In a wheelbarrow. With sunglasses and a gruesome smile. Weirder things have happened to him, I'm sure, but even he didn't seem prepared for the sight of Heather Webber who is a nutter on a good day, but whose crazy is dialed up a notch or ten in a yellow rain slicker.
She is very interested in the baby, and when Todd agrees to let her look (with a threat that he'll hurt her if she hurts the baby), she looks concerned. And then I get concerned because I have a sudden psychic vision of Sam learning that her child has suddenly "died" and I am basically pre-crying.
Sam, meanwhile, went to ask my fictional boyfriend John McBain--oh, no, the obsession hasn't lessened. If anything, it has intensified. I LOVE him!--if he was responsible for Jason getting arrested for Franco's murder. She views this as a bad thing, and I'm just sitting here all doe-eyed, like, "And he upholds the LAW! And he's all GRAVELLY-VOICED!"". But he didn't. Anyway, they hash things out and wouldn't you know it, Sam goes into labor! Who would have thought?!
All things considered, the labor goes surprisingly well and Sam gives birth to an absolutely enormous preemie and I must be getting softer as I get older, but it gave me the warm and fuzzies to see her finally have her baby.
John went to go get his car to take her to the hospital and was interrupted by some life ruining, in the form of two thugs sent to take care of business, violently, on Jason's orders. I mostly blame this on Sonny--I mean, yes, it was Jason's and we all know that he's been about as dickish as can be these days, but Sonny was enjoying upping Jason's hatred of McBain a little too much. "I mean, the guy got you ARRESTED, right? And he's probably going to go after Sam, in the bedroom, if you know what I mean and I think you do. I mean that he's going to have sex with her, in all the different ways. And then he'll probably buy up all of the town's black t-shirts. CAN YOU STAND FOR THAT, JASON?!"
(I know, I know, he left a voicemail calling it off, which was way saintly of him. I'm interested in seeing how well he reacts to knowing that McBain helped Sam deliver her child--will he be grateful that John was there to help, or will he be enraged that Sam didn't at least hold out for a hotel maid?)
So John was beaten to a bloody pulp and left unconscious on the side of the road, in the rain and Sam, perhaps because she's dealt with so many infant tragedies in the past, starts to worry that something is wrong with her baby and panics that he's not breathing right and it's a little bit heartbreaking.
And I'm sure it will only get more so. But it's weird: I have seen this all before--seriously, all of this story's elements have been done dozens of times before--and I don't like where I can so clearly tell that it's going, but it was some engrossing soap. I barely even fast-forwarded towards the end of the week and I only had to mute it a few times, mostly when Sonny was talking.